Am I too selfish wanting to restart my entire life and forget about the family I made and have?

[Justhereandthere]

I'm in a tricky relationship with my husband of 14 years. (Got married at 17 and wasn't by choice). We have 3 children (10m 5f(twins) )

Things aren't looking good and we just can't get along. I cant break up with him I won't cope alone with the twins. For now he helps clean the house he takes the children to school while I work as a teacher.

Iv been really down and depressed and there really isn't a way out ( I have thought of all the possibilities) I'm now tempted to leave my husband and children and start fresh. Move out of London start a new job and restart my life. I know its selfish but I can't live like this. I know it makes me a horrible mum but I have been happy for years. I just want to be free. Am I a monster? And has anyone ever actually left and started their life again?

You have to do everything in your power to try and fix the issues before abandoning your children. They are literally programmed to love you and whilst it doesn't always feel like it, removing yourself from their lives will damage them and their own future families. There are ways to improve your situation without the nuclear option.
Please discuss with someone what you could do before it's too late. There is always a choice.

I really feel for you OP.

But, when we have children, our needs cease to come first and our children become the priority.

If you abandon your children, that will have a v significant negative impact on them.

You need to look after yourself, leave your marriage if it's not working. But do not abandon your children. Do what works for you but also places your children at the v centre of your thinking 💐

The children's needs must come first OP. You need a way to improve your ow mental health, while also remaining their mother

😂😂😂😂

Read the thread.

I agree with the PPs who said the children were manipulated into crying. I hadn't even considered forced marriage as an avenue for your daughter(s), what a horrifying thought.

Honestly, you sound amazing. I think you would cope just fine, you've already coped with more than most. You might feel like you can't because you're so worn down. Please, please contact some of the organisations mentioned on this thread - they will have so much more practical advice than can be offered on here.

(Not that you've not had good advice on here, as some of it is excellent)

@Justhereandthere you’ve had some good advice on organisations that can help you and yes, attitudes and understanding has changed in the last decade.

You also have a huge advantage in that you have secure housing and savings and a profession.

I hope you will get the support you need to get shot of this rapist and live safely with your children. He has conditioned you to believe you cannot cope which is not true. You will get some state support financially if you need it at some point. You can afford to pay for therapy for yourself and your children if it’s not accessible via the state.

I very sincerely wish you luck. You are very young, have achieved an enormous amount and can live a happier life.

Leaving your children is not the answer.

You had those children and you have a serious responsibility to continue to raise them until such a time comes when they leave home.

Your husband has enabled you to save 45k - that is a lot of money to use towards childcare fees whilst you go to work.

You will even get help to pay childcare fees as a single parent

Cant you talk to him about a separation? I mean you both sound miserable? You said he is a good dad do you really think he will walk away?

Why not sign the 9 year agreement and let him go and both of you try to be happy

It is not as bad as you think being a single mother - there are millions -

Can I say OP your children love you from the absolute bottom of their hearts. There whole beings are in love with you. You’ve carried and nurtured them and made them who they are today.

This is a very complex traumatic situation and I don’t want to repeat other people’s advice. But you do need to turn to organisations that can help. You’re operating at a fight or flight level. I come from a culture like yours. My own mother was forced into marriage at 17. my Aunty had a similar marriage to you and did leave her daughters took her son (as she said the shame on her daughters would have been too much). This has left my cousins very very traumatised. They’ve made some bad decisions, ended up with controlling men, I feel so sorry for one of them who really should leave her husband. We are aware he’s had affairs etc but she won’t leave.

Get help, leaving the kids with him is not the answer. I wish you well.

If this was a man, nobody would be saying they should see the doctor or take time off work! My DHs mum did this and went on to have other children she actually raised so perhaps I'm sensitive because of this but I just think ' how could she'

Are you Muslim, op?

Absolutely ridiculous, forcing you into a marriage. In islam, you cannot force a Muslim women, whether she be virgin, divorced or widowed and the marriage will be invalid.

Its the womens choice who should she marry.
Even with arranged marriages, they should be happy and have to agree and consent, both the man and woman. I have sisters from Pakistan and Bangladesh who have arranged marriages and were asked. I know forced does happen but its haram/not allowed.

I honestly cannot believe you're going through this.
I am assuming your Muslim but does forced or arranged marriages happen in Hinduism or sikh?

Go to your local mosque for support and advice.
I wouldn't sign fir his visa if he is unhappy.
Yes, the kids will be sad but he can sort out his own immigration status. And make arrangements to see them otherwise.
You can't stay stuck with a man who has done this to you.
And I have no words for your family.
Can he not just give you the three talaq, in peaceful manner as the quran says.

Her youngest children are 5. She's stated she is not depressed. Why can some people not get into their heads that not everybody wants to be parents.

OP I haven't managed to read the whole thread so perhaps somebody has already suggested this, sorry if I am repeating. I really feel for you, it sounds like you have been in an abusive situation for many years, and been coerced to bring children into it, too.

Could you talk it through with someone at the Karma Nirvana team? If you read down, it does mention that they help women who have been in forced marriages for many years.

http://karmanirvana.org.uk/get-help/helpline/

Good luck!x

Just a note on a good husband / dad. A large proportion of men in any culture view their wives and children as property. The verb "to husband" means to manage resources wisely, and "a husband" used to be a man in charge of livestock. In those days his wife & children were part of his livestock.

Our understanding of marriage is still morphing into recognition of families as groups of fully individual humans, with individual rights. This change has barely even begun in many places. A "good husband" of livestock keeps them healthy, groomed, fed, watered & protected, and provides conditions in which they can flourish. He also impregnates his females to increase his stock, uses violent methods as needed to control roaming or non-compliance, and slaughters when he deems it necessary.

I don't think the OP's apparently reformed good husband is very likely to maintain a civilised co-parenting agreement with her after separation, and he is likely to arrange the marriages of his children as they reach their teens.

I'm not even judging hard over this: it's a big change to navigate and he seems to have partially managed it. But, seeing how many men of all types fail to uphold the "new" concepts of family, I'd give this one very low probability.

Hi OP I just wanted to add the link for Halo Project based in the North East but a truest amazing service and would be able to signpost to other services if you're not in an area they cover, they do fantastic work and have immigration lawyers who would be able to help with the visa questions, good luck OP you sound so strong to have survived all you have and you will get through this

https://www.haloproject.org.uk/about-us-W21page-11

I wouldn't judge you for it if you did but one thing to consider is whether he would still be a good dad when your daughter comes of age? Without you to prevent it, would he force her into a marriage and life like yours where she is desperately unhappy?

Please see your GP and get some support. Please consider some therapy or counselling to help you understand how you feel before you make any rash decisions. Do you do anything for yourself out of the house away from the kids and husband. Just getting out once a week to do something on your own could have a transformational effect on how you feel. It might not repair your relationship but you will feel better, with regards to your husband I would seek couples therapy for that.

@BLT24. OP wrote:
"In 2018-2020 I had post natal psychosis. I had intense therapy, medicine, home treatment treat and even then they all knew I was in a forced marriage and he used to rape me ( which did stop after 3 years of being married). And even then they didn't care about the marriage they just wanted to fix my mind."

Are you still recommending therapy to understand how she feels, and couples therapy?

Absolutely I would explore this as there might be the right support available this time. I don’t recommend couples therapy as a way to fix the relationship and stay together but to work through the issues with support, as they need to co-parent.

Are you suggesting just walking out of their lives completely....or do you mean you dont want to be the resident parent? If it's the latter then I suppose the children would probably benefit from living 'full time' in one home and it might as well be with your OH than you. If you're seriously thinking about just walking away from your family and your life I'd suggest something was amiss with your MH. That's a very unusual and extreme thing to do. I don't necessarily think you're selfish. I do think you're desperate.
You've made the first step by typing out your true feelings. Now you need to talk with someone. A professional would be good (GP, health visitor) but if it might take a while for the appointment to come through then anyone else you trust will do....a church member, friend, family, neighbour, even the twins teacher....someone.

You would fuck your kids up for life doing this. I have seen this scenario many times and the lasting impact is devastating. When it is mum who leaves there is an extra layer of hurt for the children/adults, maybe not quite as extreme as if the mum committed suicide but it is very like a bereavement with no answers. Please, please don't just abandon your children.

How are you op?

Wow

She has a 10 year old son and 5 year old twin girls.
Why can't people read the thread (or at least the OP) before posting?
Forced marriage, years of rape and abuse.
The OP needs compassion and support.

So much holidays have started and there's been constant arguments at home back and forth. Iv told him I will not be signing hence all the arguments. Iv not been able to do much with the kids. Maybe I am feeling a bit depressed now. I miss the children I worked with and I miss school. Being a teacher is a hard job and this holiday should be about relaxing etc. But instead, I'm counting down the days till I am back.

I did an econsult form for my GP about how I am feeling. They owe me support, they knew my father was forcing me to get married and they did not stop it.

I'm so tired or arguing, crying and trying to sleep. It's a toxic cycle.