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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I too selfish wanting to restart my entire life and forget about the family I made and have?

325 replies

Justhereandthere · 10/07/2023 22:00

I'm in a tricky relationship with my husband of 14 years. (Got married at 17 and wasn't by choice). We have 3 children (10m 5f(twins) )

Things aren't looking good and we just can't get along. I cant break up with him I won't cope alone with the twins. For now he helps clean the house he takes the children to school while I work as a teacher.

Iv been really down and depressed and there really isn't a way out ( I have thought of all the possibilities) I'm now tempted to leave my husband and children and start fresh. Move out of London start a new job and restart my life. I know its selfish but I can't live like this. I know it makes me a horrible mum but I have been happy for years. I just want to be free. Am I a monster? And has anyone ever actually left and started their life again?

OP posts:
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7
AuroraForever · 10/07/2023 23:05

You’re not unreasonable to feel the way you do.

However, you mentioned the nice things, the house, the savings you have etc… would you not just be better off letting him walk away and you stay put and build a new life where you are with the kids? You have money to pay for things like cleaners, childcare outside of school hours, holiday clubs, get a nanny etc which will all help you cope better on your own.

If you left the kids with him then he left and went home anyway, what would happen to the kids in this scenario? Where would they go if you’re not around?

Think through all your options and all the possible outcomes, good and bad, before making any rash decisions.

Just to up and leave everyone to start a fresh somewhere else sounds ok in theory but the reality for all including yourself will be very different from what you imagine it to be.

Best of luck with whatever you decide OP.

Jetband · 10/07/2023 23:05

Annaishere · 10/07/2023 22:27

Also, it’s very possible that you will feel able to cope with the 5 year olds were you not unhappy in a bad marriage

Good point, that.

AlwaysTheSupplierNeverTheBride · 10/07/2023 23:07

I'm so sorry that you were forced to marry, and that both you and your children are living with the consequences of that.

Can I suggest the Karma Nirvana helpline? They're a specialist charity for honor based abuse and issues, and will be a listening ear https://karmanirvana.org.uk/

Karma Nirvana

Our goal is to end Honour Based Abuse in the UK. We run a national helpline, offer training to professionals, gather data to inform policies and services, and campaign for change.

https://karmanirvana.org.uk

Buninthecorner · 10/07/2023 23:07

Please don't walk out on your kids.

Seek advice from GP as others have suggested. Can you go to counselling, either by yourself and, or with your DH.

You can leave the marriage if you are unhappy.

Walking away from your kids however. That is cruel and will not be the quick answer you are looking for.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/07/2023 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Well that's two reception age kids who need looking after before school, dropping off to school, picking up from school, all whilst OP is teaching in a different school. So there's that.

And that's without any insight into whether they have behavioural issues, her work load etc.

DamaskRosie · 10/07/2023 23:08

Take your time. Leave your husband and stick with your kids. Then you can reconsider after a while whether you also want to leave your kids or whether it just felt like they were part of a package with your husband.

Jetband · 10/07/2023 23:10

Nanny0gg · 10/07/2023 23:03

If she doesn't sign his visa he won't stay here.

So is he likely to try to take the children back to his home country?

Show quote history

Yeah - visa thing is what I meant by 'better out of your life altogther?' But you raise a good question. If already married 14 years, how come he doesn't have right to remain already?

KingJamesTheTurd · 10/07/2023 23:11

I'm just in 2 minds, do I leave him with the kids or does he leave me with the kids

There are no 'two minds' about this. You let him leave you with the children, obviously.

You can't begin to entertain the idea of leaving them with him for a fraction of a second, surely. In your position, I'd be more afraid that he'd want to see them every other weekend, because the only thing that stopped me getting divorced when my children were younger was that I wanted them to be with me the whole time.

It is not normal for a woman to think of abandoning her children, and I think you should seek urgent medical advice. The "but men do it all the time" argument is pointless - so what if there are lots of crappy men around?

drpet49 · 10/07/2023 23:13

Anon891 · 10/07/2023 22:16

I wouldnt be if she just discussed separating from her husband,but to think to abandon own children one who is just 10months old- you call me an arse? If she is unhappy there are councellors,psychologists,psychatrists etc who can offer either therapies or medicines- she hasnt seeked any of them out.

Show quote history

This!

Original poster
Justhereandthere · 10/07/2023 23:15

He got it under a marriage visa and he did the first 8 years or something which I signed every 3 years and now this is the sign for 9 years or permenant who knows he wouldn't tell me.

I'm going to be honest he is a good dad. We just have a crap marriage and he refuses couple therapy. Yes he raped me alot when I was much younger and how I got through it and remained strong is a history to me. He hasn't hit me in over 8 years now and I don't think he would dare to now.

It's been a tough time for me but in that time I did my degree online, learnt how to drive, learnt how to save did my PGCE etc like non of this came at an ease. Yes I am strong but I don't know if I'm strong enough to cope on my own with the kids.

I cant go to my family for support they are the ones who pushed me into the marriage in the first place. For now all 3 of my children are doing above average in school and are academically one year above. I guess I'm just worried I won't cope but even then the thought of walking away because he is a good dad is something I can't just shift out of my mind.

OP posts:
Isthisexpected · 10/07/2023 23:15

Do you have access to your savings to consult an immigration solicitor and find out your rights? When you say you won't cope in what way do you mean? What's so different about you to all the other single mums in their thirties? I don't mean that unkindly, just trying to shift your thinking back from the gloom of desperation to reality and facts. Can you use savings to pay for a cleaner or childcare?

What's the worst thing that will happen if your husband walks away? What will do the least damage to these innocent kids?

AngryPrincess · 10/07/2023 23:17

Let him walk out and get some help, like a cleaner or a nanny. Or start getting help now before he goes.

RugbyMom123 · 10/07/2023 23:18

You have a council house. You are secure. He can leave and you can survive. Take a sabbatical from work if the juggling is too much with full time work. There will always be space for you back as a good teacher. Raise your children - now 5 and in school in September will give you time to breathe in the day. Focus on you. Rebuild your passions. Find hobbies. Find a new support network / community.

This is a fork in the road of your life. It’s not going to be easy, but what seems like the harder route in the short term (staying with the kids), will pay dividends and be easier in the long run.

EnidSpyton · 10/07/2023 23:19

So many women on this thread don't seem to understand that not every woman feels the same way about being a mother as they do.

Some women don't enjoy being mothers.
Some women don't bond with their children.
Some women don't love their children.
Some women actively hate their children and are abusive towards them.

You can have all of these feelings without being depressed or needing some kind of medical explanation for it. Motherhood and the corresponding emotional connection with your children does not come naturally to everyone.

Women do walk away from their children all the time. Just because you can't understand or entertain the idea, doesn't mean other women couldn't possibly feel differently. Saying it's abnormal or unnatural to do so is deeply insensitive and continues to perpetuate the myth that maternal feelings are something all women are born with.

Flossflower · 10/07/2023 23:21

Don’t walk out on your children. Posters on here have given you ideas of who to contact for help. I used to work with someone who walked out on her children. She left them with her husband when the marriage broke down. She never got over it.

eggsbenedict23 · 10/07/2023 23:21

It makes me feel sick that OP told multiple people and nothing got done

Circe7 · 10/07/2023 23:22

It sounds like you would cope and probably thrive. You’ve done so much even whilst in an abusive marriage.

I found it helpful to visualise life as a single parent including all the mundane practicalities. It seemed completely impossible and awful when I started to do this but gradually seemed more and more possible.

I would check your husband’s immigration position. Are you sure he couldn’t stay on the basis of his children being here? Also maybe hide your children’s passports if you do refuse to sign the visa docs.

NotGotAClue1 · 10/07/2023 23:22

Leaving your husband? Yes absolutely. Leaving your kids? No, incredibly unfair. I agree with other posters to seek some help.

stardust40 · 10/07/2023 23:22

With your savings could you employ a nanny to look after baby and do housework/school runs etc it might relieve a lot of pressure on you and enable you to keep the children but also have you own space?

SimonsCow · 10/07/2023 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Plenty of men have that thought and they get called bastards but nobody suggests a psychiatrist.

however, OP has reached out before she does something like this. Suggests she wants help. There are some NHS mental health services that you can self refer to.

Plantymcplantface · 10/07/2023 23:24

I’m so sorry you are in this situation. It’s your marriage that is crumbling and when the rot started. Don’t let it spread to the rest of your
life or the children’s lives. You have already achieved so much without his support or family support. Other posters have it right: please take professional legal advice about separation. Make plans to be happy which it sounds like you would be without him. Pay for help like childminders etc to get through. You sound so strong. Good luck.

Severalreasons · 10/07/2023 23:24

You ARE tough enough to get through it as a single mother.
HE is the reason you're unhappy, not your children.
Let him walk away.
I know someone who walked out on 7 children.. they are all in therapy 3 years on even with so many people around them who have helped and shown them so much love and support.

Original poster
Justhereandthere · 10/07/2023 23:25

I think what has triggered me to think and feel like they are better off without me is based on an incident that occurred today.

Before he left for work today he spoke to my 10 year old son and the twins and said in a few weeks time he might have to leave because I'm kicking him out because I don't want to be with him. (Untrue I did not say that, all I said was I am not signing for him).

My son and the elder twin started hysterically crying for a while saying they don't want him to leave and how they want to live with him etc. My son was more towards he wants us to live together and not split but my elder twin is attached to her dad. I guess seeing the kids reaction just makes me feel they would choose him over me. Is it because he feeds them and takes them to school? Is it becaue3 he picks them up? Do they think the cares more than I do? Am I too busy? All these questions just floating away in my head.

OP posts:
JeanRondeausMadHair · 10/07/2023 23:27

If you don't sign for his visa, what are the likely repercussions with your family? Will they cut you off?

redressgirl · 10/07/2023 23:28

anon666 · 10/07/2023 22:41

I know a lot of people who have lost their kids to social services. Even though they weren't capable of properly looking after them at times, it leaves a deep scar.

You sound desperate and depressed. Many women and maybe men have thoughts like this. It's the panic button, it's your brain wanting things to change.

But it's time to open up to someone in real life and get some help. You need help coping with the little as, but it doesn't have to be by running away.💐💐💐💐💐

I don't judge you in the slightest, I think we've all considered it but treat it as a, warning sign of how bad it's got and how much you need help. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

How do you know they wasn't capable of looking after their kids? Judgemental much

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