Am I too selfish wanting to restart my entire life and forget about the family I made and have?

[Justhereandthere]

I'm in a tricky relationship with my husband of 14 years. (Got married at 17 and wasn't by choice). We have 3 children (10m 5f(twins) )

Things aren't looking good and we just can't get along. I cant break up with him I won't cope alone with the twins. For now he helps clean the house he takes the children to school while I work as a teacher.

Iv been really down and depressed and there really isn't a way out ( I have thought of all the possibilities) I'm now tempted to leave my husband and children and start fresh. Move out of London start a new job and restart my life. I know its selfish but I can't live like this. I know it makes me a horrible mum but I have been happy for years. I just want to be free. Am I a monster? And has anyone ever actually left and started their life again?

You’ve been let down by everyone this is so sad I wish I could hug you.

Is there a chance you can go on a holiday even with just your 10 year old to get some space and away from the arguments?

Your children don’t love their dad more, he was manipulating and gaslighting them and you when he said what he did to them and it worked he upset them and triggered you.

Even though everyone let me down I never stopped working, studying and achieving. I went college when everyone told me not to. I knew uni was not practical being a South asian woman who was married with a kid so I did it online. I lied and said I was working when I trained to become a teacher. I am proud of myself and maybe I am going through a tough era.

My husband would not let my son out of his sight. He is teaching him and taking him tuition in time for him to sit his 11+ exams in September even though I don't want him at a grammar school

I think it is disgusting and naïve to blame a victim of force’s marriage and rape for that happening to her. To suggest it was a choice is not right at all.

'You didn't need to get married, you should have said no'

Oh yes ok, why don't all the woman who are being forced to marry just say no, it would solve the issue all together - gosh why aren't women saying no already?!

Mightymam I think you are detached from the reality of life. You carry on living in your dream world, but don't comment on other people's lives which certainly don't fit in your own version of reality.

If you're sad and down because you're in an abusive situation then the answer is to get out the abusive situation, not to stay and try to treat the depression.

No. She was a child who was forced into marriage. She reached out for help and someone should have helped her. She is in no way to blame for the situation she's in.

You are only 31 and you are coping with an amazing number of responsiblies. You are bound to be feeling over whelmed at times.
See a GP to assess whether you are depressed.
To have raised twins until aged five is a feat in itself and they will soon be less of a burden once they can go to school, dress themselves etc. you might see a flicker of daylight and space for yourself.
You need to find a way to enjoy parts of every day regardless of what you will do in the long term.

Can you and your husband organise to have one full day off to yourself each week? And another half day where the children are minded by someone else and you two can spend time together.
Can you do one thing every day that brings you joy - reading, bathing, walking the dog, eating icecream - only you know what will help you relax and smile. You deserve to like some parts of your life though the going is tough with a family.

Can you start a hobby? Join a support group? Obtain a plot in a neighbourhood garden? Paint a room in your house your favourite colour? Start a sport?
You should be able to think of things you want to do, and can do, without leaving your whole family.
Your children will be affected in a big way if you leave but they will all benefit if they see you becoming happy and enjoying some independant activities.
Once all of the kids are in school you could seriously consider changing your career or studying for a new direction.
You can make big changes slowly with support and I think you will feel better if you do that without abandoning your children.

Are you really suggesting she should work on her marriage? Spend more time with her husband? She needs to leave her husband, it's just figuring out how.

Really pleased that you're talking to your doctor about your current situation.

Remember that your body is processing what you are going through - you cant bring happiness into this environment. You can only leave to find it.

You can find support here

Forced Marriage Unit: Government help and support line – +44 (0)20 7008 0151 (Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm) email: [email protected]

I don't understand why signing something means that you have to stay together.
You trust that he will no longer hurt you.
Will he go to counselling?
Why can't you sign and make a life where you both give each other more freedom and support each other in more individual pursuits? Your children know only a good father.

Does it mean he will stay in the country - surely that is better for you all as he contributes to the children's lives and resources.
Can you not work as a team - acknowledge that it was a forced marriage - and help each other to lead fullfilled lives?
If you signed would he support planning a separation?
Why do you have to sign?

You have gone through a horrendous time and survived due to your own bravery and strength. I understand that its not the life you chose but you can't go back - you nee dto try and understand the options available for you. Spek to the Southall black sisters - also there is a government body for helping survivors of forced marriages https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/879927/Forced_Marriage-_survivor_s_handbook.pdf

in the meantime are you able to spend some time with the children away for your husband - to try and enjoy their company ? and to have a break?

OP you are bloody amazing. Your life will be a lot happier and easier once your rapist "husband" is out of it. You and your DC will need a lot of counselling but that is not your fault.

You keep saying he is a good father but he is not.

• You say that if you don't sign he will stop seeing the kids. Not because it would be impossible, because of trauma, depression or believing it's best for them. He would stop seeing them just to punish you. Would a good dad so casually stop seeing them just to punish their mother?

• He repeatedly raped and hit their mother. It doesn't matter how long ago it was. When your girls grew up, how likely is it that he will let them get careers, choose their own husbands, make their own way in life? Very low I would guess.

• He manipulated the children to make you think they would choose him, purposely making them cry and scaring them. The conversation was not done with them in mind, to help them understand. It was done simply to get at you and to try to turn them against you.

He is a bad husband and a bad father. They reacted the way they did because he said that. Honestly I am sure that if it was the other way around and you said "you won't see me anymore because your dad won't let me" then they would scream and insist they wanted to live with you.

You have been through so much trauma. You have been let down my the system, let down by your family and let down by the husband they forced you to marry. Look at everything you have achieved in the face of that.

A life where you get to go it alone with your kids is going to be much easier than it is now. I would guess that he's gotten in your head and convinced you that you're not capable of coping but you are. You have dealt with something so awful and have kept fighting. You are doing the right thing reaching out for help.

You need that poisonous man's voice out of your head so that you can see clearly and know that you can do this. Seek advice and take whatever path will get rid of him. If it is really going to come down to you or him, the kids really need it to be you.

I am so sorry for the lost years of your life. You should be so proud of your accomplishments. You are being fair to your husband by telling him in advance that you will not sign, he has the opportunity to make his own arrangements now. Whatever you do is going to be awfully difficult for a while. Think about what is the most important to you and plan to protect that. Personally I think you’d regret leaving your children, my mum left me, and I never forgave her. An Asian woman I know did the same and it broke her heart into a thousand pieces. She would text me asking for photos of her children at school events. You can’t come back from the pain that does to a child. Your children do not prefer their Dad, at that moment they showed their love for him, which is equal to their love for you. Does your husband work? You seem to say he does the most of the child caring ? I am wondering if he could ask you for maintenance if you left? Don’t make your life more difficult by leaving your children, or make them suffer because your marriage is miserable. Use the advise and phone numbers here to educate yourself on your options. You have done well for yourself and now you can use that to your advantage by giving yourself and your children a better life. Good luck.

Your husband is not a good dad either. It takes a good man to be a good dad. He is not. He would have never married a child bride for a visa, against her will, raped her, hit her, and then to add insult in all those injuries treat you like a precious love of his life like you deserve. Good dads come from good men. He is not a good man.

I haven’t read all the comments. But how about your relationship isn’t helping with the depression and you might actually be able to do it on your own without him…… you might find some energy and be able to do the housework etc without him?

Oh piss off @jasper333. I'm a SE Asian woman myself who works in safeguarding and see this shit played out on a daily basis: Issues of forced marriage- girls are given the option to have their parents arrested and charged for committing an offence, the option to be taken to a refuge/safe house. I'm sure OP would've been offered the same. Clearly her family had a big hold over her and she went through with what they wanted. it's important for her to seek counselling and unlock what's happened and instead of adopting the 'woe is me' narrative, make a commitment to move on for her children's sake at least. She's wanting to abandon her children before her husband abandons them- there's a lost and hurt little girl in there and she needs some support.

OP just like you've moved mountains to make your life a success- teacher and a big pot of savings- you can navigate the next step of your life too. Don't forget that.

@user1492757084 "you two can spend time together" "support each other" "work as a team"

Did you miss the bit where he is a rapist and a shit husband?! Why the fuck would she want to spend time together and support him? Fuck off.

If you don't trust your GP because they let you down so badly before, could you move practice? A new GP would be really shocked to hear all you've told us and might be more proactive about putting support in place, or guiding to to find some.

Changing GP can be straightforward. This page has links to all the resources you need.
https://digital.nhs.uk/services/register-with-a-gp-surgery-service

Best wishes

You have done incredible under the circumstances, actually you’ve done incredible anyway.. you’ve accomplished so much.

It sounds like you’ve had your life stolen from you and not had any control over any of it apart from the things that you’ve accomplished like studying/ driving all these amazing things that you said no I’m doing this, it’s like those things were also an escape for you and now you’re at a place where you feel you want your life back, of course you do when everyone’s taken from you!

You don’t want to leave your children, you didn’t want marriage or the children did you, you wanted the life you wanted and now you’re where you are and trying to work out what to do. Nobody can tell you what to do.

I feel like you can make that choice and that there’s been a lot of abuse in this marriage so leaving is the best option, you have the money to get hep with your twins, you don’t need him for anything and he’s not going to leave the children to spite you, he won’t let the older one out of his sight,

You don’t need to be depressed to get therapy either, you can have therapy for yourself to help you make some decisions, try to go on a holiday on your own for space, or join a gym to go in the evenings even 2 hours on your own while children are in bed can help you when you’ve been in a house of arguments all day.

@Whataretheodds which is exactly what I did.

sorry if I message seemed ambiguous but I am not for one second suggesting you take anti depressants and struggle on in an abusive situation.

being diagnosed with depression was the first step in recognising I was in an abusive situation and kicking HIM out and staying with my kids.

And my other friend who felt like this definitely wasn’t in an abusive relationship- she had depression.

Stay strong

Have you contacted

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Question

If you have been married for 10+ years, why does he need a visa ?

What is the visa for ?

Do you need to get legal assistance before signing a document
What document is he asking you to sign ?

Sounds like you need help from your local Citizens Advice