Am I too selfish wanting to restart my entire life and forget about the family I made and have?

[Justhereandthere]

I'm in a tricky relationship with my husband of 14 years. (Got married at 17 and wasn't by choice). We have 3 children (10m 5f(twins) )

Things aren't looking good and we just can't get along. I cant break up with him I won't cope alone with the twins. For now he helps clean the house he takes the children to school while I work as a teacher.

Iv been really down and depressed and there really isn't a way out ( I have thought of all the possibilities) I'm now tempted to leave my husband and children and start fresh. Move out of London start a new job and restart my life. I know its selfish but I can't live like this. I know it makes me a horrible mum but I have been happy for years. I just want to be free. Am I a monster? And has anyone ever actually left and started their life again?

I'm so sorry. How awful it must be for you to feel this desperate. I won't repeat the good advice already offered except to ask, do you really want to abandon the kids? Trouble is, we can't run from ourselves... you'd probably be haunted by the decision forever, as well as damaging kids. Would your family not help you? Or are there cultural pressures forcing you to stay together? Is DH working? There are always ways to part with a man you can't be happy with, even if it means perhaps taking a break until your girls are in school. You need to talk this through with a counsellor or psychotherapist before making rash decisions.
Are you being unreasonable? The question is much too black and white for this situation.

Your situation sounds really tough but leaving your children would be very drastic and probably irreversible. You should try even quite extreme alternatives before doing this. If your husband would be willing to walk away from them as you suggest do you think he’s a good person to leave them with?

I’ve recently become a single parent to a baby and toddler and though my situation is different to you I have found that I am a much stronger person for it. There were lots of things which I thought I couldn’t do whilst I was in a couple which I can do. I think that’s true of many single parents. You manage because there’s really no option not to manage and it can be very empowering and peaceful to be in control of your life, live alone and not have to please anyone else (except your children).

To be honest your being selfish think about your kids and how mucked up their lives will be if you walk out on them

And now she's said yet again that she isn't. Some people just regret their kids, both men and women. It's just rarer for women to leave.

So, brutal question time. Do you want him in your life?

If not, it might be hard at the beginning with the children’s attachments but you sound very well placed to start a new life with you and your little ones.

True

I’m not going to judge a desperate OP trapped in a miserable marriage living a life she did not want. If you want to leave and restart anew then do it. Only you can decide what to do with the children either take them with you or leave them in the care of their father. I wish you the very best of luck OP, I hope you find the happiness and life you’re looking for.

Don't sign his renewal and let him walk away. Now it's your time to take back control of your life and children.

But reach out also for practical support from some of the organisations suggested by other posters. I imagine that would really help too x

Interesting one.
Wonder if all posters would be saying the same thing to a man?

I would take a break definitely OP.

If you have the means, pop off to a hotel with spa and preferably yoga classes, leave the childcare to your other half for a couple of days, and see how you feel...

Don't sign for his visa though.

Had to write something because I’m feeling similar to OP. Until anyone has been through feelings of being desperate then please don’t write your crap. I totally sympathise OP been a single mother for 15 long hard years never looked after myself always putting others first. Often dreamed of walking away not because I don’t love my dd but because sometimes you have nothing left to give.
The only thing I would say is it could be depression without you even realising it.
For me it’s realising I can’t carry on living this life because I’m so deeply unhappy.
If you do decide to walk no judgement from me just try to think about how you would cope money wise , accommodation etc.

Some people (like those on this thread) will never be able to accept that. She MUST be depressed.

From the opposite view I know of a woman who left and I s enjoying her life now, father is the resident parent - she has them for the holidays. This isn’t what people want to hear or imagine could ever happen.

I hadn't seen this when I responded just now. So, you sound REALLY sorted; you're good at your job, you have a decent life and home and you have some savings to tide you over. Can you not sit down with him go over the options and figure out a co-parenting plan whereby one of you lives elsewhere but you both care for the kids? Is he a decent dad? Or better out of your life altogether?

Just read your post about savings so at least your ok money wise.

^^This OP.

Don’t sign his renewal. It’ll be tough for a while on your own with the kids but you’ll pull through. You’ve already come through so much - sending you hugs because I can’t begin to imagine how awful it must have been for you.

Hi OP.
I feel the same as you, my relationship is abusive, I’ve lost my friends, my opportunities and even my looks. I’ve become lazy and introverted and so anxious all the time. I’m a shadow of my old self. I feel robbed of the life I could’ve had by my DD’s dad. And I want to go back, I often feel like just fucking off and being free again. I’ve been diagnosed in the last few days with depression, anxiety and OCD due to obsessing over the past and wanting to relive it.

You’re not a monster, but you need to talk to a GP and see if they can advise you on how to cope with these thoughts. It isn’t monstrous, evil or hateful. It’s because your hopes and dreams that you had for yourself have been stamped on by the situation you’re in. Sending you love. If you ever need a talk you can PM me, I know how hard it is xxxx

You think a spa will fix this?

And he's hardly her 'other half'...

I have a friend who has done similar. Her family originated from Pakistan. She has a forced arrange marriage very young. Her husband did a lot of childcare etc and led her to believe she could never cope without him. He used to beat her. She ended up leaving him and the kids to go to the Middle East. She hopes to return one day once she’s built herself back up or have the kids move to her. Who knows if it will work out but good luck to her.

OP, in your case, what makes you think you couldn’t cope with your children without him? You seem so strong and together. You have a career, you are great with children and getting the best out of them, you have savings. I’m sure you’ve got this if you’d rather stay with your children and make him walk.

Jeez engage your brain. Op is obviously in a bad way.

Leaving your children is an awful idea.

Leaving your husband might be the answer instead but please seek professional help for mental health. Take care of yourself OP.

First, I think you need to seek more help from the GP for how you’re feeling. Things have moved on a lot since 2009. They can also point you in the direction of those who can help you leave your marriage.

You need to end your marriage but you need to keep the kids with you. You will cope, 100%, you just will, especially if you reach out for help.

You are likely carrying alot of depression and trauma because you have been raped and forced to live with your rapist. If you were forced married, you didn’t consent to sex, so you have been raped. Repeatedly. You are bound to be depressed and need therapy. Be kind to yourself about how you’re feeling.

This is why you can’t leave your kids with their father - a 28 yo who is willing to marry a 17 yo against her will, not knowing her at all, is not a good person to be raising children.

If there’s a chance he will just leave if you don’t sign papers, let him leave.

OP, I am so sorry for all you have been through. Forced marriage is horrific and sadly so many people (as this thread demonstrates) have no idea of the extent to which this is still a practice in the UK and beyond.

This charity offers support and advice - talking your situation through with their helpline could help you work through your options:

https://karmanirvana.org.uk/get-help/what-is-forced-marriage/

What would you like your life to look like, ideally?
When you say you want a new life, is that a life just without your husband, or is it also without your children?
What is it that you want to do with your life that you feel you can't do because of your current situation?

Thinking these things through may help you get some clarity as to what is making you unhappy.

If you truly feel that being a mother isn't something you are able to do, then leaving your children with their father and having some occasional contact may be what's best for everyone. Having a depressed and unhappy mother who is there all the time is no better for a child than an absent one. You didn't choose to have these children or to become a wife - these were choices forced on you. Your feelings of wanting to leave a life behind that you didn't choose are perfectly understandable, and contrary to what people on this thread are saying, certainly don't make you a monster.

Do you have any friends or colleagues you could turn to for support? Could you leave your children with a family member you trust for a while to give you some space?

I hope that you are able to get some clarity and find a way forward that will give you the quality of life you deserve after spending so much of your life trapped in a situation you never wanted. You have built a successful life for yourself despite the trauma of your situation and that shows how strong you are.

Your children are young now but you've done the really hard years. Hang in there and leave your husband. Don't ditch your children, it won't solve the pain and trauma of your arranged marriage.

If you’re not depressed but you feel trapped, helpless and hopeless, imagine how your children will feel if their mother walks away…?
Any parent walking away is going to be harmful (man or woman) but I know I wouldn’t want to be the parent inflicting that harm.
I’ve been picking up the pieces from the “man” who walked away and its exhausting seeing my child suffer but I’ll never have been the one to cause that.

That said, you deserve to be happy and emotionally healthy. There must be some way to do this and not leave your children. Even if he has primary residency and you see them. Walking out of their lives is not going to have a good outcome for you or them.

I know when it gets hard, sometimes it feels that running away will help but you’ll have huge baggage. You’re just taking the problem with you and the problem is it’s not easy to ‘forget’ 3 children and start again.

You are intelligent and capable. There must be a half way option between staying trapped in an unhappy marriage and running away and pretending your children don’t exist. I hope you can see that you can have a better life and you don’t have to suffer.

If she doesn't sign his visa he won't stay here.

So is he likely to try to take the children back to his home country?