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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have never met/ said hello to my in laws?

294 replies

AndTheSurveySays · 09/07/2023 23:25

Basically in 15 years of being with DH
I have never met nor appeared on video chat with my family in law (I did actually appear once on video chat and literally said 'hello' to his mother then disappeared. They've also witnessed me trying to pass by without being noticed, walking on my knees).
It hasn't been a problem, when they've asked to see me DH has always made some excuse but lately his siblings keep pestering him to put me on chat or at least share a photo. I've refused so far.

DH is now saying it's time I should just speak to them to stop his siblings from messaging about it so often. I really don't want to. I hate appearing on film and would have no idea what to say. I feel the fact it's gone on so long just makes it seem even weirder to suddenly decide to talk to them.

AIBU?

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 10/07/2023 08:48

HeddaGarbled · 09/07/2023 23:28

Yes, you are the most unreasonable of unreasonable people on unreasonable day in unreasonable land.

I couldn't put it better myself.

BakedTattie · 10/07/2023 08:51

Just when you think you’ve read it all on MN.

😂😂😂😂😂

TheUsualChaos · 10/07/2023 08:53

I'm sorry people are being so mean OP. Do you struggle socially in general or is it just this circumstance?
Basically, you've made a really big deal out of something that doesn't need to be a big deal at all. Why don't you you agree to sit with DH next time he calls but have an understanding that you might not speak much if at all so he needs to do the talking. Keep the call short, have an excuse ready for why it's only a short call, expecting a big delivery or something. Think it's just a case of needing to break the ice, they will just be happy to see you I'm sure.

Poppinjay · 10/07/2023 08:54

This is Mumsnet at its worst.

There's evidence on this thread to suggest that the OP is neurodivergent. She's probably felt trapped in this situation for a long time and been unable to make the first move towards resolving it. She may well even have been feeling stressed every time her DH made a call to his family.

Instead of supporting her, significant numbers of posters have turned on her and laughed at her like a pack of high school bullies. Since when was humiliation a good way to support a fellow MNer?

Shame on you all.

OP, I can absolutely see why meeting people through a mutual interest in a situation where you have a script to follow is easier than making small talk via a video link. You've had some helpful advice on this thread in amongst the nastiness. Please do take it.

Once you've broken the ice with this and managed a brief chat on a video call, you will feel 100 times better. I'm sure your DH's family members will be a lot kinder than some people on this thread have been. Get it over with and it will become a non-issue really quickly.

lljkk · 10/07/2023 08:54

You have a very small comfort zone there, OP.
Wouldn't you like to be less limited in your life options?
Just get it over with, on the calls with H's family.

User9753224 · 10/07/2023 08:54

My take away from this thread…

walking on my knees
Davros
Dalek
Exterminate 😱

so very biazarre 😂

babbscrabbs · 10/07/2023 08:56

Perhaps hold your child if that makes you feel more comfortable.

Picturing OP holding her strapping 13 year old son while shouting Dr Who phrases

I'm all seriousness yes you've let this really get out of hand.

Personally I'd tackle it head on. Go onto the call and say

"Hi - I'm X. I'm sorry it's taking me so long to do this. I can't stand being on video calls which is why it's taken so long but I can see now I was putting myself first ahead of meeting my husband's family and I know how important you are to him. I hope you can forgive me for not doing this sooner. So lovely to see you."

BakedTattie · 10/07/2023 08:56

I would start breaking the ice with emails/texts/WhatsApp messages first? Just sort of “hi, hope you are all well” then build on it.

I do think you have been rude.

And even if the op is ND this is not an excuse to have ANY communication whatsoever with her husbands immediate family.

carduelis · 10/07/2023 08:57

LAMPS1 · 10/07/2023 08:38

OP, would you be happy if your child grew up and acted like this. Or if they married someone who behaved like this, preventing you from meeting their life partner and new baby grandchild.
It must be so very painful for all concerned.
Your poor in-laws and their family have only seen their dear son twice in 15 years, have never met their precious grandchild and you refuse to even say hello to them on face time.
Imagine their continuing hurt and confusion over the years. Unbearable for them.
Imagine your DH’s hurt having to lie for you repeatedly.
You have inflicted your problem on all those people and you are modelling your problem to your own child.

It is so deliberately cruel of you, that I too, wonder if it is real. If it is, I’m finding it hard to have any empathy for you.

Why didn’t you at least write to them 15 years ago to explain your problem. You could have forged a relationship with them to at least let them know that it’s your problem not something they have done. You could have given them a chance to help you. They are your DH’s parents and siblings for goodness sake. They love your DH. They want to love you but you have selfishly blocked them.

Your DH has been forced to keep you a secret. Despicable.

It’s good you want to put this right. I hope you do all in your power to overcome your problem, apologise to them, invite them to visit and to make up for the last 15 years. And I hope they can accept your apology. Good luck.

Where has OP said that she’s prevented her in-laws from seeing their grandchild or son? All we know from what she’s said is that she doesn’t join in with video calls. I can’t see anything “deliberately cruel” about that.

M340 · 10/07/2023 08:59

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 10/07/2023 01:54

maybe start out by shouting EXTERMINATE at the screen. baby steps.

I'm pissing myself 😂😂😂😂

This better end up in classics.

carduelis · 10/07/2023 09:03

SilkTrees · 10/07/2023 08:46

Nothing is wrong with it. It's just funny in the context because you appear to be fine with acting out fictional characters online, but have, for a decade and a half, been unable or unwilling to say hello to your husband's family! Do you not see the irony?

I also loathe being photographed or having my video on for online meetings, but in some situations it's just necessary.

Also asking about MH support, anxiety diagnosis etc -- have you sought help?

Show quote history

I’m not seeing the irony here either. Meeting your in-laws is a high-stakes interaction - you really want them to like you - and they may be from a very different background or culture to you. Surely it doesn’t take that much imagination to see how much less daunting it would be to talk to someone online with whom you already know you have a significant common interest - particularly if you’re introverted, as I would guess OP is.

NotOnYourNellies · 10/07/2023 09:05

Brilliant 👏

M340 · 10/07/2023 09:06

OPs DH - 'darling my family are on the phone!'

OP -

To have never met/ said hello to my in laws?
fancreek · 10/07/2023 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Nordicrain · 10/07/2023 09:10

Your behaviour is utterly bizarre. I mean the crawling to stay out of site 😬

Just bite the bullet, and next time your husband is on a video call with them, lean over his shoulder and say "hi, how are you (all)?" Done.

readbooksdrinktea · 10/07/2023 09:11

PermanentTemporary · 10/07/2023 06:15

Well, on the off chance...

In 15 years (nice round number) there will have been a lot of sad and happy events in dh's family. And you haven't thought once about offering sympathy, support, writing to them, finding out how they're doing, celebrating with them?

You're totally focused on yourself. Try thinking of others occasionally. I'm out.

Good point.

burnoutbabe · 10/07/2023 09:11

Yes I don't see any issues with op preventing her husband doing anything.

He could arrange a trip more than twice in 15 years if he coyld be bothered. They could have visited. He can do regular calls with child if he wants.

He sounds not bothered about his family to be fair.

Original poster
AndTheSurveySays · 10/07/2023 09:13

Thank you to those that have offered advice and not just laughed at me. I think the suggestion of waitng until it's DDs birthday is a good one as theyll be focused on her and I can plan a little script to say.

She may well even have been feeling stressed every time her DH made a call to his family

This has been/ is the case, it makes me feel sick whenever they call. It all just snowballed, I didn't set out to appear rude or weird to them.

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 10/07/2023 09:14

😂 crawling on your knees to avoid your in laws, that's a new one!

Yes just say hello and ask how they are, conversation will take off from there.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 10/07/2023 09:14

utter madness

jannier · 10/07/2023 09:16

It's a script from a Bean film isn't it????
Wave say hi, sit in view for a bit listen and answer any question or just say I'm sitting off screen how are you all.
Do you participate in the normal world or just live indoors? Do you work....with Covid and team meetings, doctors appointments on line etc few people can never be on video even if it's a quick hello and turn your screen off....do you have body image issues?

HushHushDarling · 10/07/2023 09:16

AndTheSurveySays · 10/07/2023 09:13

Thank you to those that have offered advice and not just laughed at me. I think the suggestion of waitng until it's DDs birthday is a good one as theyll be focused on her and I can plan a little script to say.

She may well even have been feeling stressed every time her DH made a call to his family

This has been/ is the case, it makes me feel sick whenever they call. It all just snowballed, I didn't set out to appear rude or weird to them.

Do you plan scripts with everyone you converse with?

Do you have a job? Friends?

TallulahBetty · 10/07/2023 09:16

Total batshittery. And I hope your kids don't grow up with the same issues.

carduelis · 10/07/2023 09:17

I don’t quite understand all the “making it all about you” and “the world doesn’t revolve around you” comments. When my husband video calls his parents with our kids, I stay well out of it - if I turned up and started chatting to them while they were trying to catch up with their son and grandchildren, surely that would be “making it all about me”? OP is doing the exact opposite of making everything about her, isn’t she?

carduelis · 10/07/2023 09:22

burnoutbabe · 10/07/2023 09:11

Yes I don't see any issues with op preventing her husband doing anything.

He could arrange a trip more than twice in 15 years if he coyld be bothered. They could have visited. He can do regular calls with child if he wants.

He sounds not bothered about his family to be fair.

Exactly this. In OP’s first post she says her DH thinks she should say hi on a video call just to stop his siblings pestering him about it. There’s no evidence anywhere that her husband is hurt or even concerned by the situation.

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