To have never met/ said hello to my in laws?

[AndTheSurveySays]

Basically in 15 years of being with DH
I have never met nor appeared on video chat with my family in law (I did actually appear once on video chat and literally said 'hello' to his mother then disappeared. They've also witnessed me trying to pass by without being noticed, walking on my knees).
It hasn't been a problem, when they've asked to see me DH has always made some excuse but lately his siblings keep pestering him to put me on chat or at least share a photo. I've refused so far.

DH is now saying it's time I should just speak to them to stop his siblings from messaging about it so often. I really don't want to. I hate appearing on film and would have no idea what to say. I feel the fact it's gone on so long just makes it seem even weirder to suddenly decide to talk to them.

AIBU?

Never to have visited your in-laws because you don’t like temperatures above 22c and never to have done more than say hello online then disappear because you don’t like being caught on camera (unless dressed as a dalek) is massively outside the realms of normal behaviour. I suggest you just make yourself sit in front of them, apologise, and explain you have a phobia of being caught on video, but are trying to overcome it.

If I were your in-law, I’d be wondering if you actually existed, or if my lonely son had invented you.

Do you have a diagnosis of something by any chance? Your approach to social interaction is not typical.

whilst I understand that this has escalated your overall approach to your in laws is not acceptable. The avoiding video calls was bad but the response to the suggestion of WhatsApp was even more telling. They are your family. The active rejection is quite unkind.

Well the situation is quite unusual obviously, but I don't understand the pile on.

OP when he next has a video call with his family could you get your husband to say "@AndTheSurveySays just wants to say hi.. " then you sit next to him and say "Hello, nice to finally meet you. I'm sorry it's taken so long but I'm really shy and find these things difficult, but I'm hoping to make a new start." Something like that, and then just talk about what DH has told you about them "DH tells me you've just: moved house/got a promotion/had a big birthday/been on holiday.... how did it go/is it going etc etc". It seems a huge deal but once you break the ice you'll be fine. If you don't want to talk about yourself, talk about what you've all been doing as a family or what your DC has been up to.

We were never introduced to my brother's ex wife in the 5 years they were together (they met and married abroad), so I can believe these situations happen. In our case she just didn't want to know us, probably because we were close to our brother's first wife who he left to be with her.

I hope you can resolve this OP, I'm sure your husband's family will be delighted to finally get to know you.

I don't think you can make this right tbh. If you speak to them now then the question of "Why have you ignored us for 15 years?" will forever be hanging in the air. My sister tried making overtures to our own extended family after decades of ignoring them and then was hurt because they didn't want to know - your ILs may well feel the same way.

Wow a lot of OTT reactions to this post. I can see it's an unusual situation but is there any need for insults?

It’s not just happened, youkve made it happen. Weird

This is all very strange.

In the circumstances, OP how could this situation even be reasonable?

... yes that's the point.

Honestly OP, building a relationship with your in-laws is part of building a marriage. If DH treated my family like this I would have left long ago.

If this is real you should consider seeking some help for your anxiety, or else pursuing a diagnosis and then using that to build strategies to enable you to build a relationship (a superficial one!).

For everyone who doesn't like having their face on video, I think the issue is the little thumbnail of your own face looking back at you (I'm not a fan either!) I've just started turning that thumbnail off so I can't see myself looking back at me and I just talk into the camera and I'm now much more comfortable in video meetings.

On the off chance that this is real,
OP I think the best way to start the conversation is to be entirely honest and address the elephant in the room. Say something like "I'm really sorry I haven't met you before now but I'm super-shy and hate video calls but I do really want to get to know you and I know this has gone on far too long so I'm trying really hard to make some changes." Most people will respond with sympathy and understanding and you've then broken the ice.

Tbh you and your partner seem quite suited. Any normal person would have introduced his partner to his parents years ago whether it be by video call or just having a conversation on the phone. Most people who have loving relationships with their families would be hurt of their paryner necer wanted any interaction with them. You seem to think it won't have hurt them but it likely will have. They are his family and you have shown (at least to them) no interest in getting to know them. Clearly by asking him about you they are wanting some form of contact. If you have anxiety over speaking to them then you need to see your gp and get some help.

As for how you do it, get him to do a videocall with his parents, talk to them for a while and then include you in the call sat next to him on the sofa. Introduce yourself, say it's nice to finally see them ask how their day has been, are they up to anything later. If you need an out say there is someone at the door or you need to attend to your dd. It's normal adult conversation unless you have some form of sen or anxiety you need help with a functional adult should be able to manage. It might well be awkward but that's because you've left it so late!

Why is everyone focusing on video calls? I hate them and avoid them.

Instead you can text or speak on the phone. Even write an actual letter.

Is this real?? My dad is from a tiny village in the arsehole of nowhere in a tropical country on the other side of the world. My parents married in the 1970s and my mum didn’t meet my grandparents until after the wedding. But she had spoken to them on the phone and managed to suck up temperatures of more than 22 degrees to go visit them. What is this about this temperature? This is very specific and parts of the U.K. get above this temperature frequently in the summer. Do you have issues with temperature regulation? Blood pressure? Sunburn?

I can’t believe this is real. If my mother managed to cultivate a relationship with her in laws, who did not speak English, in the 1970s, when phone calls and writing were the only methods of communication, you could certainly have done this in the last 15 years or your DH could have questioned this behaviour. I call BS.

Your DH says you’ve left him or died. Then he introduces you as “new partner “ . You choose a new name or coincidentally have same name as old wife. You cheerily say hello, how nice to meet them and let him get on with chatting while you nod and smile. Simples.

I doubt anybody has ever done this before. It is incredibly weird and rude.

This is beyond bizarre. If a husband of mine had refused to speak to my family I'd be rethinking my marriage. Your husbands parents are part of him. Family is so important. Id be incredibly insulted if my sons partner had refused to speak to me for 15 years and cross with DS for allowing this situation to develop.

This has made my day lol

The exterminate comment I mean!

Sorry you’re having a hard time on here op but when it’s written down surely you must see it’s all a bit odd

You dont think it is hurtful to refuse to talk to your own Ils or to have them look at you on video? To the point you crawl around on your knees to avoid it?

You have serious issues.

I have some ideas for you to consider:

1- Maybe write a short and polite message or email to let them know that being on video via FaceTime etc is really uncomfortable and anxiety provoking for you and therefore you have avoided it. However, having given it consideration you realise that this behaviour is something that you need to work on as you recognise the importance of getting to know them and having a good relationship.

sorry not quite sure on the wording but the gist is ‘sorry for being a bit weird but my intentions are not to upset you’.

2 - Think about some ways to try and make it a more comfortable situation for you. Would it be easier on a big iPad so their faces are a similar size to ‘normal’. Get rid of the thumbnail with your own face on? Can you make yourself a cup of tea to have so you can take a sip and a breather if feeling anxious.

3- maybe practice this with someone you are familiar with first. Eg with your husband and call him on FaceTime if this is something you don’t already do?

4- if they are aware that this is something you are trying to ‘learn’ because you want to have a relationship with them and value your husband but it is an area that you struggle with then you could ask to set up a shorter first call and try and then just build the time length until the calls are ‘natural’.

I would perhaps continue to explore perspective taking here. Thinking about how you might feel if your daughter gets married one day and lives in a different country and you are keen to get to know the person that she loves but it looks like they are not willing to do that. Maybe you might be ok with that if you see things through a slightly different lense but it might be that his parents would really love to know the woman that their son has married and it might bring them great comfort with living so far away (just one perspective on a situation).

Good Luck

Hi OP from a fellow whovian 👋

I can totally see how this situation could arise, because I don't video-call my in-laws either. Is there a language barrier there? That's my excuse 🙈

You either have to bite the bullet and appear one day acting as though these 15 years haven't passed or start small and build up. I personally couldn't bring myself to do the former so for the latter, my tip would be to start with a WhatsApp message... Maybe share a photo of something your daughter has done and go from there. Yes it'll invite conversation but, like a pp said, that's the point, they just want to get to know you.

Best wishes 💐

a friends mother only met friend’s husband once….even though they only live literally round the corner. It wasn’t at the wedding either, couple eloped. they’ve been together 25 years. The MIL was just incredibly shy. That’s all that was comfortable for her.

anyway I think there is something to be said for modelling behaviour for your daughter. So she’s more used to speaking to her relatives.

This.

I think it’s weird the in-laws are making a deal about it now after 15 years.

I'm sorry but the walking on the knees thing has killed me off 😭. While a bit extreme to take such measures to be unnoticed I do understand to an extent OP. My partner's family are also abroad and I don't participate in their video calls. We do however message from time to time and I visit them abroad every now and again. You need to make some form of effort to engage with them. Not least for your child's sake.

Can you not just send them a pic of the three of you that you took while out at the beach at the weekend (or, whatever).

Then get DH to bring it up in convo next time he calls them and you could coincidentally be walking by and pop your head round to say hi and see where the convo takes you?

Honestly op, this is a very strange situation. They probably think you very rude not to have once tried to overcome your shyness to introduce yourself.

And surely you realise how unusual it is and want to avoid your DD having the same anxieties? Model the sort of confidence you want her to have.