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AIBU?

To have never met/ said hello to my in laws?

294 replies

AndTheSurveySays · 09/07/2023 23:25

Basically in 15 years of being with DH
I have never met nor appeared on video chat with my family in law (I did actually appear once on video chat and literally said 'hello' to his mother then disappeared. They've also witnessed me trying to pass by without being noticed, walking on my knees).
It hasn't been a problem, when they've asked to see me DH has always made some excuse but lately his siblings keep pestering him to put me on chat or at least share a photo. I've refused so far.

DH is now saying it's time I should just speak to them to stop his siblings from messaging about it so often. I really don't want to. I hate appearing on film and would have no idea what to say. I feel the fact it's gone on so long just makes it seem even weirder to suddenly decide to talk to them.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Poppinjay · 10/07/2023 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Troll-hunting isn't an excuse.

This is exactly why MNHQ ask people not to do it.

GuinnessBird · 10/07/2023 11:56

I'm sorry but this is peak Mumsnet.

GroggyLegs · 10/07/2023 12:05

Not RTFT.

But you do realise people see your face everyday?

I don't get the 'oooh I don't like being on camera' thing - your face doesn't disappear just because you can't see it. You don't have to look at it if you don't want to, but it's still there.

fancreek · 10/07/2023 13:27

@Poppinjay I wasn't troll hunting, was just explaining to you why people were being flippant.

Not sure why my post explaining that was deleted when the ones ridiculing the OP are left standing.

Enko · 10/07/2023 14:15

AndTheSurveySays · 10/07/2023 09:13

Thank you to those that have offered advice and not just laughed at me. I think the suggestion of waitng until it's DDs birthday is a good one as theyll be focused on her and I can plan a little script to say.

She may well even have been feeling stressed every time her DH made a call to his family

This has been/ is the case, it makes me feel sick whenever they call. It all just snowballed, I didn't set out to appear rude or weird to them.

Op there is no difference to how you will communicate with them than how you would a new person in the fan club. Though perhaps talk less dr. Who 😀

But you know how to do this. You do it every day. Smile say hi and see where it goes. You don't need to be deep and heavy. Yeah I'm OK. It's so nice to meet you properly (even if you are wanting to run away) and we must do this again but for now I got to go put o. Some laundry.

When I zoom w my family dh pops over sticks his head down to the screen and says hiii. Then goes again.. could you start there?

Nanny0gg · 10/07/2023 15:43

My question would be, why hasn't your DH addressed this?

If it were my DH in this situation, not having spoken to my distant family I would have arranged something before we married!

AlfietheSchnauzer · 10/07/2023 16:13

@AndTheSurveySays Op, the reason people are saying it's batshit is because you are being incredibly cruel and astonishingly selfish. You are MARRIED! They are your family whether you agree with that or not. Not only that, you have a child who is being deprived of her grandparents just because it suits you. What kind of example are you setting for your child? That it's acceptable to treat family like strangers? How would you like it if your daughter married someone in a far away land AND then never saw you again (or rarely) because her husband didn't fancy meeting you? How do you think you'd feel if you weren't at her wedding?

whoamI00 · 10/07/2023 16:31

It's not weird. It seems you and your DH mutually have agreed on that relationship. Maybe he's not so comfortable to introduce them to you and you don't really feel need of meeting them. It's a mutual agreement. If your DH wasbfrom abroad, it can happen in combination with both you and your Dh's personalities.

Doone21 · 10/07/2023 16:44

Go visit them then

carduelis · 10/07/2023 16:44

AlfietheSchnauzer · 10/07/2023 16:13

@AndTheSurveySays Op, the reason people are saying it's batshit is because you are being incredibly cruel and astonishingly selfish. You are MARRIED! They are your family whether you agree with that or not. Not only that, you have a child who is being deprived of her grandparents just because it suits you. What kind of example are you setting for your child? That it's acceptable to treat family like strangers? How would you like it if your daughter married someone in a far away land AND then never saw you again (or rarely) because her husband didn't fancy meeting you? How do you think you'd feel if you weren't at her wedding?

But where does it suggest in OP’s posts that anyone is distressed by any of this? Literally all we know is that her DH thinks she should join in with a video call to stop his siblings hassling him about it. Nowhere does it say that anyone in her DH’s family is being deprived of a relationship with her DD (she says DD joins in with video calls) or that her DH is troubled by the situation. We don’t all have in-laws who think of us as family - plenty of us have in-less who treat us worse than strangers! - and maybe the indifference goes both ways here.

The only part of this that seems kind of a shame is the DD not having met her father’s family but this sounds logistical as much as anything else (it’s clearly a long journey) - I wonder whether OP would be happy for her DH and DD to visit the in-laws without her?

Elephantinasandstorm · 10/07/2023 16:50

whoamI00 · 10/07/2023 16:31

It's not weird. It seems you and your DH mutually have agreed on that relationship. Maybe he's not so comfortable to introduce them to you and you don't really feel need of meeting them. It's a mutual agreement. If your DH wasbfrom abroad, it can happen in combination with both you and your Dh's personalities.

I have not met anyone who haven't met spouse's family. Even just keeping up "hi" and wave on skype.
Most of my frienda are mixed marriages with families in different countries, including dh and I.
It is really weird if this isn't made up.

Elephantinasandstorm · 10/07/2023 16:51

I think dh just fell into the swing of things rather than happily agreed. I wonder if he tried at the beginning.

Iloveringos · 10/07/2023 17:32

HeddaGarbled · 09/07/2023 23:28

Yes, you are the most unreasonable of unreasonable people on unreasonable day in unreasonable land.

🤣

toomuchlaundry · 10/07/2023 17:39

I've certainly never met someone who has crawled on the floor to avoid saying hello to in-laws on a video call, in-laws who she has never spoken to in 15 years, and who OP hasn't alluded to being awful nightmare in-laws. Understand if they are absolute horrors who you would want to avoid, in fact she has said they seem nice people.

NameChange245 · 10/07/2023 17:46

May the force be with you OP. May the force be with you 💪

NameChange245 · 10/07/2023 17:51

NameChange245 · 10/07/2023 17:46

May the force be with you OP. May the force be with you 💪

Oh no wait!! Wrong catch phrase!! Wrong show!..

Fantastic.. geranimo ... Reverse the polarity of the neutro flow ..

I think the star wars catch phrase suits the situation better to be fair. But hey ..

uncomfortablydumb53 · 10/07/2023 17:57

How have you not met or spoken to them in 15 years?
Did you elope?
How can you not be curious?
They brought up your DH!

whoamI00 · 10/07/2023 17:59

I could have been in a similar situation to OP. From my observation it's deepely rooted in insecurity.

ALJT · 10/07/2023 18:00

I dunno if I’m reading wrong but it comes across abit rude on your part

ClementWeatherToday · 10/07/2023 18:06

There's no point in pretending it's not been fifteen years. Just acknowledge it, say hi and move on. Ask your DH to set it up: "Just so you know, next time we chat Dalek would like to say a quick hello."

Then towards the end of the next conversation he can say, "Just before I go, Dalek would like to say hello." You don't need a script, just say, "Hello, how are you?" Be prepared to say a little about your day/job/child/vegetable garden/DIY project/family. Then go from there.

popawheeelie · 10/07/2023 19:37

Hi I have some empathy here. We also live far from my DHs family. It's hard for people to relate to if you're not also in this situation. I don't join his regular video calls with his family. I used to but haven't for the past 5 yrs or so. There was an incident that started this (his dad annoyed me over whats app and after that i have put in minimal effort). Occasionally I'll wave in the background and smile. We exchange the odd message over what's app or email, and we visit them in person ($$$$) every few yrs but that's it. I don't like joining the calls I can't be bothered (bad attitude), it's awkward like a job interview, and really they only want to speak to him.

My advice is to make an appearance on their next call, say hi, ask them how they are, talk about the weather, then leave. That will buy you another 15 yrs of avoidance.

MrsWiggwiggs · 10/07/2023 20:50

Dotcheck · 10/07/2023 00:12

Ah…. Just when I think I should stop going on mumsnet so much. This is absolute gold

@Dotcheck brilliant 😂😂😂

Manthide · 10/07/2023 20:54

I'm not comfortable with video calls etc - in fact I really hate them but still managed to appear on screen and talk to dd1's in laws! I think you should forget about the 15 years and just say hello and perhaps arrange a visit to your dd's fatherland. My in laws lived abroad and didn't speak a word of English but I still interacted with them (and even learned their language).

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 10/07/2023 22:32

Could you wear your dalek costume on the call?

That way you can be yourself and they won't be able to see your face!

Sorry OP but you are a grown up woman with a child, why is this so hard? Do you work? Take your child to school? Go to the shops?

Come on now

ThatFraggle · 10/07/2023 22:36

>Could you could you wear your dalek costume for the call?

Just for clarity OP, that is a joke. Don't do that.

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