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AIBU?

To have never met/ said hello to my in laws?

294 replies

AndTheSurveySays · 09/07/2023 23:25

Basically in 15 years of being with DH
I have never met nor appeared on video chat with my family in law (I did actually appear once on video chat and literally said 'hello' to his mother then disappeared. They've also witnessed me trying to pass by without being noticed, walking on my knees).
It hasn't been a problem, when they've asked to see me DH has always made some excuse but lately his siblings keep pestering him to put me on chat or at least share a photo. I've refused so far.

DH is now saying it's time I should just speak to them to stop his siblings from messaging about it so often. I really don't want to. I hate appearing on film and would have no idea what to say. I feel the fact it's gone on so long just makes it seem even weirder to suddenly decide to talk to them.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SparklyShoesandTutus · 11/07/2023 19:02

@AndTheSurveySays I havent read all the thread so apologies if I am repeating advice.
What you describe is a classic case of social anxiety. Far more common than many people think.
If you haven't already I'd suggest you think about accessing talking therapies this is absolutely something they cam help you with.
Alternatively the book over coming social anxiety widely available on the Internet would be a good call.
Please don't write a script foe your duaghters birthday call that will make you all feel awkward.
If you are happy to ask your husband to explain that video calls have always made you feel awkward but you are keen to try and join them however you are not sure if you are ready to partake.
They will most likely be fine about this (unlike many posters on here)
Then just show up on the calm and be present. If you have something to add to the conversation do, if you don't then don't. Just say hi and bye. No more than that is needed. The more you do it the more you will get used to it. Good luck

SilkTrees · 11/07/2023 19:36

whoamI00 · 10/07/2023 17:59

I could have been in a similar situation to OP. From my observation it's deepely rooted in insecurity.

I'm sure that's true, but I'm less convinced that makes the slightest difference.

I'm quite spectacularly shy, shyer than anyone I've ever met, but I don't let that let me off the hook when it comes to engaging with other people and fostering normal human interactions. I don't think shyness/anxiety/social awkwardness makes any type of behaviour ok.

Talkingtothetrees · 12/07/2023 16:00

Oh gif your poor husband. This is nuts

Talkingtothetrees · 12/07/2023 16:00

*god

Talkingtothetrees · 12/07/2023 16:02

Arrange to speak to them acknowledging fully that it is weird that you haven't. And fix it

carduelis · 12/07/2023 18:25

SilkTrees · 11/07/2023 19:36

I'm sure that's true, but I'm less convinced that makes the slightest difference.

I'm quite spectacularly shy, shyer than anyone I've ever met, but I don't let that let me off the hook when it comes to engaging with other people and fostering normal human interactions. I don't think shyness/anxiety/social awkwardness makes any type of behaviour ok.

Shyness and social anxiety are not the same though. Shyness is a personality trait, social anxiety disorder is a mental health issue. You can wonder where the line is drawn between one and the other, but you can’t assume that the OP is at the same place in the spectrum as you are and that they should be able to cope because you can.

JudgeJ · 12/07/2023 18:37

HeddaGarbled · 09/07/2023 23:28

Yes, you are the most unreasonable of unreasonable people on unreasonable day in unreasonable land.

Why? Some people don't do anything on screen, I never did it during lockdown nor do I do any of those zoomy-thing meetings for a voluntary job I do, I also don't do photos. It is perfectly reasonable for people not to do something if it makes them unhappy.

JudgeJ · 12/07/2023 18:40

AndTheSurveySays · 09/07/2023 23:37

To answer some questions - DH is from a small island country far away from the UK and that's where all his family live. He has visited twice since we've been together (poor students when we met, then marriage, then had DD) but regular video chats with them.

I just really don't like being on video and find it difficult to talk to new peope.

Then you don't do it, don't let your husband or the social butterflies on here bully you into doing something you don't want to do.

JudgeJ · 12/07/2023 18:42

ChocBananaSmoothie · 09/07/2023 23:38

I don't like it either but sometimes you've just got to.

No, you don't 'just got to' at all, stick to your guns.

JudgeJ · 12/07/2023 18:46

FannyFifer · 10/07/2023 00:51

Have you literally never video called anyone before?
What on earth does your husband say as to why you are so rude to his family?

She isn't 'rude' at all, whisper it softly dear but we're not all the same! I've never video called anyone nor been in a 'selfie', I took one of the pot when I broke my wrist. My family know the situation and are much nicer than the majority of people on here!

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 12/07/2023 19:21

JudgeJ · 12/07/2023 18:42

No, you don't 'just got to' at all, stick to your guns.

stick to her guns and refuse to interact with her in laws for the next 15 years?

fab advice. great example to set her child.

FluffyRabbitGal · 12/07/2023 19:27

This is fake surely?

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/07/2023 10:16

JudgeJ · 12/07/2023 18:40

Then you don't do it, don't let your husband or the social butterflies on here bully you into doing something you don't want to do.

@JudgeJ

lol saying hello to your husbands family is hardly social butterfly
to go all these years and never speak to them is rude
end of

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/07/2023 10:17

JudgeJ · 12/07/2023 18:37

Why? Some people don't do anything on screen, I never did it during lockdown nor do I do any of those zoomy-thing meetings for a voluntary job I do, I also don't do photos. It is perfectly reasonable for people not to do something if it makes them unhappy.

@JudgeJ

most of us have had to do video calls like it or not for our work
we can’t all decline cos we don’t want to like you obviously have the privilege of being able to

Toooldforthisshit49 · 15/07/2023 11:31

Sorry but I think this is a wind up post as there's no way normal people behave like this 🤷

Poppinjay · 15/07/2023 22:11

Sorry but I think this is a wind up post as there's no way normal people behave like this 🤷

So use the report function. Trollhunting is crappy behaviour 😡

Sauvblanctime · 15/07/2023 22:29

Not read all comments but yeah. You’re being weird

SilkTrees · 17/07/2023 13:23

Toooldforthisshit49 · 15/07/2023 11:31

Sorry but I think this is a wind up post as there's no way normal people behave like this 🤷

Before using Mn, I had no idea that there were so many people who regarded the most innocuous social contact as a major trial of nerves, whose major ambition was to come home from work, rip off their bra on the doormat and get into their pyjamas by six because clothes are uncomfortable, who regarded an unheralded knock at their front door as a personal invasion, and a wedding invitation as a virtual act of war.

So I suppose I'm no longer that surprised by how someone who has never appeared on a video chat to say hello to her overseas ILs over the course of a 15 year relationships/marriage.

Toooldforthisshit49 · 17/07/2023 20:07

@Poppinjay sorry to disappoint you but I'm not troll hunting 🤦

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