Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have never met/ said hello to my in laws?

294 replies

AndTheSurveySays · 09/07/2023 23:25

Basically in 15 years of being with DH
I have never met nor appeared on video chat with my family in law (I did actually appear once on video chat and literally said 'hello' to his mother then disappeared. They've also witnessed me trying to pass by without being noticed, walking on my knees).
It hasn't been a problem, when they've asked to see me DH has always made some excuse but lately his siblings keep pestering him to put me on chat or at least share a photo. I've refused so far.

DH is now saying it's time I should just speak to them to stop his siblings from messaging about it so often. I really don't want to. I hate appearing on film and would have no idea what to say. I feel the fact it's gone on so long just makes it seem even weirder to suddenly decide to talk to them.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Sugarfree23 · 10/07/2023 09:22

Op I've re-read your first post. His family are asking to see you either on video call or photo.

Surely you must have some family photos that you'd be willing to share, even a selfie with the 3 of you?

Daft but maybe practice a video call with DH ie you in different rooms, talking to each other.

I do think you need to do this for your marriage. He must be embarrassed that you don't want to engage with his family at all.
Is there a language barrier that needs considering?

Catlord · 10/07/2023 09:24

Stop being dicks, those who are doing so. Nothing wrong with meeting through a shared interest. Also, the family live a very long distance away and it's probably expensive to visit. Time goes by in a flash. It's a bit unusual but so what? No stranger than marrying a bloke from the same small town through meeting at the pub then wondering why you have nothing in common after a few years and row over not getting on with the ILs.

OP what has your DH's role been in all of this? Has he not facilitated a conversation? Tell him you would like to get to know them but are understandably nervous so would appreciate him ensuring the conversation runs smoothly, filling any gaps, changing the subject etc. Is he shy too?

The novelty will soon wear off. People inevitably love talking about themselves so ask about their lives, what they enjoy doing, their retirement or work.

I could be way off the mark but you say they don't know what you look like now. Does this mean there has been a big change, substantial weight gain or similar? If so, can he send them a nice, recent picture of you all looking your best so you go into it knowing they're familiar with your current appearance and won't make any tactless comments (if you're worried about this).

Have a read about news events in their area so you can sound interested and fall back on that. Keep the first chat short. Be honest if they ask why this hasn't happened before, making clear it's not personal. It'll be fine!

SleepingStandingUp · 10/07/2023 09:31

AndTheSurveySays · 09/07/2023 23:37

To answer some questions - DH is from a small island country far away from the UK and that's where all his family live. He has visited twice since we've been together (poor students when we met, then marriage, then had DD) but regular video chats with them.

I just really don't like being on video and find it difficult to talk to new peope.

Sorry but I think you're being incredibly rude. The fact you crawled across the room on camera to avoid them and they could see it. I'd be so hurt if I was DH.
Why have you never been to meet them? Has your DD met them? Is she allowed on video chat to them?

Jessica0508 · 10/07/2023 09:31

This is extremely odd!! There’s obviously a reason you don’t see them.. they must live abroad or something, but your poor husband!! You can even make the effort to be seen on camera??? I hate it too!! But I always say hello even though I see his family regularly too!! This is you being very unreasonable and I feel very sorry for your husband. I wonder if he would do the same if it was the other way round!

SleepingStandingUp · 10/07/2023 09:34

AndTheSurveySays · 10/07/2023 01:04

What exactly is batshit? I've not hurt anyone, I've not caused drama etc I've simply just never spoken to them.

Thank you to those that have offered advice, I do appreciate it.

I imagine your husband is hurt, regardless of what he tells you. And his family. Imagine DD moving far away, her DH point blank refusing to even meet you and him encouraging your GC to not talk to you either

toomuchlaundry · 10/07/2023 09:36

@Catlord you don’t think it is odd OP crawled along the floor rather than chat or even be seen by the in-laws, and that is the only interaction she has had with them

Catlord · 10/07/2023 09:39

Yes it is and she accepts that but she's trying to make it right now. She can't change that embarrassing episode but has said she would benefit from advice on how to start the conversation.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/07/2023 09:40

AndTheSurveySays · 10/07/2023 09:13

Thank you to those that have offered advice and not just laughed at me. I think the suggestion of waitng until it's DDs birthday is a good one as theyll be focused on her and I can plan a little script to say.

She may well even have been feeling stressed every time her DH made a call to his family

This has been/ is the case, it makes me feel sick whenever they call. It all just snowballed, I didn't set out to appear rude or weird to them.

But you've chosen to not do anything about it for 15 years, despite how it must make your DH feel.

How old is DD?

TrustyRusty68 · 10/07/2023 09:40

I get that’s it’s going to be weird talking to them for the first time after so long - but honestly, just suck it up and do it!! It’ll be less weird the second time!
It seems a bit rude that you’ve actively avoided talking to them for so long and pretty disrespectful to them and your husband. I’d say put your big girl pants on & join in the next chat!!

Pertinentowl · 10/07/2023 09:44

graygoose · 10/07/2023 07:17

Is this real?? My dad is from a tiny village in the arsehole of nowhere in a tropical country on the other side of the world. My parents married in the 1970s and my mum didn’t meet my grandparents until after the wedding. But she had spoken to them on the phone and managed to suck up temperatures of more than 22 degrees to go visit them. What is this about this temperature? This is very specific and parts of the U.K. get above this temperature frequently in the summer. Do you have issues with temperature regulation? Blood pressure? Sunburn?

I can’t believe this is real. If my mother managed to cultivate a relationship with her in laws, who did not speak English, in the 1970s, when phone calls and writing were the only methods of communication, you could certainly have done this in the last 15 years or your DH could have questioned this behaviour. I call BS.

So did my mum. In fact we ended up living there. My mum is seen as a kind of living saint for living and contributing to the tiny Island and not being just a white woman who doesn’t integrate. There are people who will lay down their life for her because she never made them feel less than.
My dad got in trouble with my grandmother for taking this poor girl away from her mother and bringing her to a country she would melt in though. But she hasn’t melted yet and it’s been 50 years

toomuchlaundry · 10/07/2023 09:46

How are you with people generally @AndTheSurveySays? Do you have friends, go out socialising, play dates for DC (depending how old)?

NolongerMom · 10/07/2023 09:49

As an autistic, I feel u. There's no law saying u have to video call anyone. But if ur husband wants u to and u don't mind why not just be in the background and wave? Then build up to a hello on occasion? I would legit hate this too but I have managed to say hello to my fiancé's parents and sister over video. It IS awkward but I find not looking at their face makes it easier, kinda look over their shoulder. Dunno if this helps.

carduelis · 10/07/2023 09:50

“DH is now saying it's time I should just speak to them to stop his siblings from messaging about it so often”

Honestly if I hadn’t met any of my in-laws and my DH said “look can you say hi one day just so my siblings stop asking to see a photo of you” I don’t think I’d be massively keen to either, particularly if I really hated video calls. From that perspective I’d assume they weren’t really that bothered about getting to know me and that DH wasn’t terribly concerned about my relationship with them either.

MumofNoahandMilo · 10/07/2023 09:52

I’m startled at the lack of empathy for your situation. I stopped reading after the first few - I hope people were more insightful further down the thread. But just in case…

I think you’ve reasonably asked for some help about an awkward social situation when maybe the answers to things involving social interactions aren’t natural to you? You aren’t alone in that at all.

It would be nice if your DH could facilitate your involvement a bit more tactfully- e.g. bring you in to a chat or mention your thoughts on something or even state that you feel shy/awkward? And the idea about chatting about DD sounds a good low pressure topic. You can look at the faces on screen rather than camera lens - eye contact isn’t so clear on video call so don’t let that worry you. Sometimes the anticipation is worse than the thing itself! Hope you can be brave and have a go! I wish you all the best.

Frankenpug23 · 10/07/2023 10:02

Perhaps find an occasion when the focus is not on you and you go on screen together as a family - you, your husband and daughter. Prep some notes - start with its so lovely to see you, I am still getting used to this technology and have found it tough….

Then have a list of recent things your daughter has done - how she is doing at school etc - what you have been up to as a family - ask them how they are - what they have been up too. Have an excuse to leave if you need too - apologies I just need to put the oven on for dinner - sorry just need to answer the door etc and leave your husband too it for the rest of the call. Then you have broken the ice even if its for 10 mins - next time will be easier 😀

PonyPatter44 · 10/07/2023 10:09

Maybe just start with a phonecall rather than video, it might be easier.

Failing that, could you find some sort of Dalek filter for the videocall?

HushHushDarling · 10/07/2023 10:23

I think after 15 years it'll be weird if you suddenly pop up and say hello with your preplanned script.

I'd write them an email and let them know a brief insight of your social struggles and now you'd like to open up the line of communication and get to know each other.

QueenMegan · 10/07/2023 10:26

Ignore people. My mum was on the spectrum and she struggled with talking to people.
Could you send pictures of children or befriend on sm.

rigamortiz · 10/07/2023 10:30

Just start off slowly and increase from there. If he's on a video call when you're home pop by without ducking, wave and say Hi as you're passing. If they ask how you are, tell them you're good, ask how they are then once the pleasantries are over, say I just need to put some dinner on or get the washing or something. I'm sure your DH knows how awkward you feel so he can play along. Keep saying hi every couple of calls and gradually join in a bit more until it all feels normal.

CrumbleTumbleHouseOfCards · 10/07/2023 10:34

QueenMegan · 10/07/2023 10:26

Ignore people. My mum was on the spectrum and she struggled with talking to people.
Could you send pictures of children or befriend on sm.

Where has the OP said she is on the spectrum? Or ND for a better choice of words?

Happiestinmygarden · 10/07/2023 10:47

Whilst I wish people would be a little kinder this is a very unusual and think DH and his family have been more than patient with you, they must find it v hurtful even if you don’t mean to be. I wonder OP if you have issues communicating with unfamiliar people in other situations? Did you talk to everyone when you went to school or was there a small select few who you felt comfortable with? Are you happy going out of the house, do you avoid other social situations? Will you talk to others in shops, businesses, at work? Face to face or over the phone? I agree with other who are suggesting you get an assessment for autism but I also wondered if you may have selective mutism? It’s rooted in anxiety and fear of talking to others. If that’s the case please get some professional help but as a starting point see what your comfort zone is an slightly broaden it. Let your DH explain it to his family first and say you need to build your confidence and not to put pressure on you to talk. Maybe you could talk to your DH or DD whilst he is on the call and out of shot, or sit with him for a little while and just communicating non verbally and let him do the talking and gradually doing a little more each time.

zingally · 10/07/2023 11:00

This is really fucking bizarre. Get a grip OP. You're not a shy 3yo hiding behind mummy's skirts any more.

weirdoboelady · 10/07/2023 11:01

I have several friends who really struggle with the phone and have never done video calls. I think the idea of DD's birthday is a great one, and good luck with just saying hello on that event - let us know how it goes. I'm sure your in laws are lovely people and I am hoping you will end up being able to chat to them every so often without any problems.

carduelis · 10/07/2023 11:02

What OP has said: “it hasn’t been a problem”
”his siblings have been pestering him for a photo”
”he says I should speak to them to stop his siblings messaging him”

What OP hasn’t said: this is affecting my DD’s relationship with their grandparents/aunts and uncles
my DH is troubled by my non-relationship with his family
my DH would really love my in-laws to get to know me
my DH says his in laws are sad that they never see or speak to me

I can’t believe how much judgement is going on here based on a series of unspoken assumptions.

Countingdowntodecember · 10/07/2023 11:36

It’s not just weird, you’ve been incredibly rude.

If there is a deeper reason for finding it difficult to appear on camera (body dysmorphia, crippling anxiety etc.) then ask your husband to explain and speak to them by phone.

Not visiting because you don’t like hot weather and refusing to even speak via video chat shows a complete lack of care and respect to your husband. They are his family and they have done nothing wrong.