To have never met/ said hello to my in laws?

[AndTheSurveySays]

Basically in 15 years of being with DH
I have never met nor appeared on video chat with my family in law (I did actually appear once on video chat and literally said 'hello' to his mother then disappeared. They've also witnessed me trying to pass by without being noticed, walking on my knees).
It hasn't been a problem, when they've asked to see me DH has always made some excuse but lately his siblings keep pestering him to put me on chat or at least share a photo. I've refused so far.

DH is now saying it's time I should just speak to them to stop his siblings from messaging about it so often. I really don't want to. I hate appearing on film and would have no idea what to say. I feel the fact it's gone on so long just makes it seem even weirder to suddenly decide to talk to them.

AIBU?

This! 🙂

This is mad.

Please stop with all the troll hunting, I'm sure it's making OP feel even worse. I've never met or spoken to my BIL of 10 years, he lives overseas (but in my home country) and when I visit my sister comes over with her kids. They even lived with my parents for a couple of months and he barely spoke a handful of sentences to them. He is very very shy, but is obviously comfortable around my sister.

OP, if it makes you feel any better, neither myself or my family holds any grudges about this. We are chatty people but understand that not everyone is, and as long as my sister is happy then it's no issue for us. From my perspective, the best way to start talking would be to ease into it... Walk past in the background, wave, say hi but nothing else. Once you are okay with that, next step maybe pause and ask them how they are etc. Let the conversations build naturally over time, don't force yourself to sit there smiling unnaturally from the get go!

Meanwhile, on New Zealand Mumsnet, there's a MIL posting about how her DIL has been married to her DS for 15 years and she's wondering if the woman is a figment of her son's imagination because she's never seen her.

Deeply weird.

@AndTheSurveySays

how can you never have video called anyone?! do you not work? So many places started online meetings etc during the pandemic

you are being so rude and antisocial and I think in spite of the excuses you have made, deep down you know you are

I don't think op has to video call. A normal voice call would have been fine.

@ThatFraggle

absolutely yeah, a phone call, WhatsApp message anything really. But nothing is odd and not ok

Wow. You have a child with your DH and these people don’t even know the mother of their granddaughter? Have you stopped to think that not everything evolves around you? How selfish can someone be?

It’s a bit more than batshit

You’ve just invested considerable time invested in conversation with hundreds and hundreds of strangers.

communicating with family should now be a piece of piss.

why not start like you did here (if this is indeed a serious thread). Message them, explain what you’ve told us here and say you’d like to get to know them better via email. Explain your difficulties with video calls. Maybe over time when you feel confident that you know them you can progress to that.

How do you deal with meeting new people in real life?

Have you ever spoken to them on the phone? Would you find that easier without the video part?

Sorry OP but it really is batshit. 15 years you have been in the family - if it wasn't for dc, I would assume you didn't exist. Or that you were terribly rude and uninterested in your husband. Does he interact with your family?

Has he asked you to join in with a video call? You should really try to be a bit more engaged here op

Maybe your husband should pretend you died and he remarried. Obviously to a woman who looked very much like his dear departed wife, and coincidentally had the same name.
Then you can start afresh

I’d be more embarrassed walking around on my knees to avoid them than saying hi to them on a screen.
How weird.

Op I'd choose an event to crack the ice, DDs birthday or something. Let her Dads family see her blow out candles or opening her gifts.
So really the focus is on DD but you are there too.

Or if someone his parents/ siblings have a big birthday or anniversary use it, to wish a happy birthday 🎂.

I do think that you should attempt to visit which would be a whole lot easier to say hello

Well you’ve painted yourself into a corner haven’t you! The longer you’ve taken to say a simple hello the bigger it has become. This is one in the strangest threads I’ve read on here! You go around on your hands and knees to avoid being on screen (or did I just make that up🥴). I hate FaceTime etc too but I’m an adult and know when not to be ridiculous.

A hello, a smile and a wave to the camera with a ‘we meet at last’ said in a jokey way will probably break the long overdue ice.

I'd just bring your dd into the next chat - and say hello as passing.

I feel a right part sitting there at 50 having awkward video calls with partners parents. It's okay with mine as pauses are fine but with his it's weird.

So I mostly just sit by partner and say hello or happy Xmas and smile. He needs to lead the chat.

And do it on a laptop, just one window at other end and hide your picture.

After 5 mins agree with partner you will go to deal with dinner or child.

This is madness

While it is a bit weird I do sympathise to an extent. My in-laws are from a "far away land" and my wife used to make me talk to them on cam and it was excruciatingly awkward. There were issues understanding each other. They could never stay on cam together etc.

But it was only for 30-60 minutes every few months and it made her happy so it wasn't the worst thing in the world. Since we've had our daughter they don't want to talk to me any more :)

OP, would you be happy if your child grew up and acted like this. Or if they married someone who behaved like this, preventing you from meeting their life partner and new baby grandchild.
It must be so very painful for all concerned.
Your poor in-laws and their family have only seen their dear son twice in 15 years, have never met their precious grandchild and you refuse to even say hello to them on face time.
Imagine their continuing hurt and confusion over the years. Unbearable for them.
Imagine your DH’s hurt having to lie for you repeatedly.
You have inflicted your problem on all those people and you are modelling your problem to your own child.

It is so deliberately cruel of you, that I too, wonder if it is real. If it is, I’m finding it hard to have any empathy for you.

Why didn’t you at least write to them 15 years ago to explain your problem. You could have forged a relationship with them to at least let them know that it’s your problem not something they have done. You could have given them a chance to help you. They are your DH’s parents and siblings for goodness sake. They love your DH. They want to love you but you have selfishly blocked them.

Your DH has been forced to keep you a secret. Despicable.

It’s good you want to put this right. I hope you do all in your power to overcome your problem, apologise to them, invite them to visit and to make up for the last 15 years. And I hope they can accept your apology. Good luck.

I am surprised martiage actually lastex if this is true. I would not be happy with DH ignoring and actively avoiding my family, and vice versa.

So what? Surely occasionally sending a message isn’t going to be that hard?

I find it helps to write a 'script' when I'm preparing for difficult phone calls. Just rehearse a couple of sentences in your head. It doesn't need to be the best excuse ever, as long as you sound earnest.

eg. "Hello X, lovely to see you. DH has told me so much about you - I know I'm really shy on video, but it's always lovely to hear him chatting to you. I never wanted to disturb the calls."

Nothing is wrong with it. It's just funny in the context because you appear to be fine with acting out fictional characters online, but have, for a decade and a half, been unable or unwilling to say hello to your husband's family! Do you not see the irony?

I also loathe being photographed or having my video on for online meetings, but in some situations it's just necessary.

Also asking about MH support, anxiety diagnosis etc -- have you sought help?