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AIBU?

To have never met/ said hello to my in laws?

294 replies

AndTheSurveySays · 09/07/2023 23:25

Basically in 15 years of being with DH
I have never met nor appeared on video chat with my family in law (I did actually appear once on video chat and literally said 'hello' to his mother then disappeared. They've also witnessed me trying to pass by without being noticed, walking on my knees).
It hasn't been a problem, when they've asked to see me DH has always made some excuse but lately his siblings keep pestering him to put me on chat or at least share a photo. I've refused so far.

DH is now saying it's time I should just speak to them to stop his siblings from messaging about it so often. I really don't want to. I hate appearing on film and would have no idea what to say. I feel the fact it's gone on so long just makes it seem even weirder to suddenly decide to talk to them.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Nousername94 · 10/07/2023 01:31

AndTheSurveySays · 10/07/2023 00:56

Have you literally never video called anyone before?
What on earth does your husband say as to why you are so rude to his family?

Why would I need to video call anyone? I don't find it a necessary part of life.

He's always just said that I'm a bit shy or that I'm busy/not home.


I hope you aren't holding your DC back with your crippling batshitness

I accept the situation is a bit odd but I don't believe it's 'batshit'.

Your DH has been saying your just shy, busy/not home
for the past 15 years?
That’s so weird

Avondale89 · 10/07/2023 01:32

Just when I think this place can’t get any weirder. What the actual fuck have I just read?

readbooksdrinktea · 10/07/2023 01:38

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 10/07/2023 00:20

Definitely in the top three weirdest things I've ever read on MN in my decade of being here. And that's a competitive category.

Yes! I'm kind of amazed.

AndTheSurveySays · 10/07/2023 01:42

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter I really appreciate your reply, I feel you understand my perspective. I do think you're right that it may get easier the more I interact.



Your DH has been saying your just shy, busy/not home
for the past 15 years?
That’s so weird

Yes. Until you see it written down it doesn't seem so odd.

OP posts:
Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 10/07/2023 01:47

Op have you ever talked to a professional about your anxiety? Has autism ever been suggested?

GodspeedJune · 10/07/2023 01:49

It’s interesting to hear this from your perspective as my friend has a sibling whose partner has never met my friends family.

I understand it would be a big undertaking but if you can meet them in person it would probably be more natural and break the ice for future interactions. It’s not always easy to build a relationship via video calls.

FiveShelties · 10/07/2023 01:52

Online via a Dr Who fan club, he was Davros and I was a Dalek

So you were ok pretending to be a Dalek online and now you cannot say 'hello' to your inlaws?

Too funny but 10/10 for effort😂

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 10/07/2023 01:54

maybe start out by shouting EXTERMINATE at the screen. baby steps.

AndTheSurveySays · 10/07/2023 01:56

So you were ok pretending to be a Dalek online and now you cannot say 'hello' to your inlaws?

Too funny but 10/10 for effort😂

What's funny about that? Have you never interacted with people in fan clubs?

OP posts:
Thebigblueballoon · 10/07/2023 01:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AndTheSurveySays · 10/07/2023 02:00

I understand it would be a big undertaking but if you can meet them in person it would probably be more natural and break the ice for future interactions. It’s not always easy to build a relationship via video calls

I do think it would be easier if they were in the UK. I'm put off visiting their country due to the heat (I really don't do well in temps above 22 degrees) and many hour sit would take to get there.

I will resolve to make an effort though.

OP posts:
readbooksdrinktea · 10/07/2023 02:01

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 10/07/2023 01:54

maybe start out by shouting EXTERMINATE at the screen. baby steps.

Brilliant!

AndTheSurveySays · 10/07/2023 02:05

maybe start out by shouting EXTERMINATE at the screen. baby steps

Can you articulate what you find so amusing about people meeting via a fan club? People use tinder etc so what's wrong with meeting through a mutal intrest?

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 10/07/2023 02:16

You can just join when DH next talks. Sit next to him on the sofa. Assuming he’s using a laptop with a camera built in to the top of the screen, just look at them on the screen. Say “Hi. I realise I should have done this long ago, but I’m shy and it just got a bit out of hand. It’s lovely to finally talk to you though.” and take it from there. Maybe think before hand about some things you’ve been curious about about them of you’re worried about having nothing to say.

You could have your DH prime them a bit before hand and have a short cut off time for the first one so you know it won’t be ages of sitting there in silence. Then make sure you’re there - every other time or something - from then on. It will likely be a bit awkward at first, but as you get to know them you should start to get more comfortable with it.

madamemoth · 10/07/2023 02:18

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 10/07/2023 01:54

maybe start out by shouting EXTERMINATE at the screen. baby steps.

😂😂😂😂 the best comment I’ve ever seen on here. My shoulders are shaking whilst I’m trying not to wake anyone. Brilliant.

daisychain01 · 10/07/2023 02:19

AndTheSurveySays · 09/07/2023 23:44

People can report away.


I'm fully prepared to be told I'm unreasonable.

How would people go about actually saying hello to them after so many years? Won't they think be even weirder than they probably already do if I do suddenly start speaking to them?

Presumably you're a grown adult. It's really weird that you:

a) started this thread asking for input about the world's most weird made up situation

b) don't think your behaviour is a source of embarrassment to your DH

c) are asking for advice on how to wave a magic wand over a situation of your own making and decision, that is difficult if not impossible to reverse after 15 years. We may be lots of things on MN but miracle-workers and magicians we're not.

daisychain01 · 10/07/2023 02:23

I'd style it out and just not even mention it. They know of your existence. Just get on the next video, say hi and let your DH do the talking. Then say something when the conversation moves towards you. It's already a bonkers situation so you may as well just continue as if nothings the matter. If you can't do that, then why ask the question.

Tourmalines · 10/07/2023 02:35

Weird
im glad you are not my DIL . What a waste of years .

moonskye · 10/07/2023 02:39

I don't think it's totally unreasonable that you've never met your DH's family if they live in another country, but 15 years is quite a long time. The situation certainly won't get any easier if you keep putting it off.

I think NumberTheory has a great solution and I totally agree with what they've said. Doing this in steps and doing it together with your DH makes sense. Why does it have to be a video call? If you'd prefer not to be on camera, would it be easier to talk on the phone instead? If they live abroad, you could call using Whatsapp messenger but without using the video element and you and your DH could be on the phone call together. If the phone is on loud speaker and you both talk it would make everything feel more casual and less weirdness or pressure. (of course apologise that it's taken you so long) but then move quickly on to talking about other things like your DH...

The call would only need to be short at first and then do it again in a few weeks time - as NumberTheory suggests.

I really dislike video calls as well (mainly because I seem to look absolutely awful on video chats regardless of how much make up I wear, or how much sleep I have had) I even often find speaking on the phone with my in-laws quite uncomfortable too, but if your DH is keen for you to try for him and they've been asking for a long time, it seems only reasonable for you to try your hardest (even for a few minutes at first) to show willing and out of love for your DH. I would give it a go.

moonskye · 10/07/2023 02:41

(sorry I meant to type - talk about other things like your *DD)

RegimentalSturgeon · 10/07/2023 02:46

Sounds pretty much perfect to me. Seems unlikely that OP will be confronted by in-laws in the flesh any time soon and her husband has been ok with the set-up for however long.
Family is overrated.

MysteryBelle · 10/07/2023 03:03

AndTheSurveySays · 10/07/2023 01:18

How did you come to meet and marry your dh if you ‘find it difficult to talk to new people’?

Online via a Dr Who fan club, he was Davros and I was a Dalek Blush

You will 100% caused drama and have probably severely embarrassed your DH and made his family feel unworthy and unwelcome of your time

Why? His family don't seem the drama lama types.

I'm willing to put the effort in to making things right but I'm just still figuring out exactly how to.

Introduce yourself as a Daley then 😄

Easy. Walk into the frame and say hi! Smile and talk and laugh. Don’t even mention the long absence. If they bring it up ‘finally get to see you!’ etc, simply smile and say ‘it’s nice to talk to you’ repeat as necessary.

Op, you may think none of us know how you feel. I do. I was painfully shy and at work I refused to get my picture taken with colleagues in group pictures. I didn’t want to be ‘seen’. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself. I finally realized one day after several had to cajole me into getting into the shot, that I was wasting everyone’s time and putting the spotlight on myself unnecessarily thus accomplishing the very thing I claimed to myself that I didn’t want. My childhood was not the best and I had self worth issues but that day I realized I didn’t have to live in the past, I didn’t have to treat myself as unworthy to be seen or unworthy to be part of a group or to act weird and sabotage myself.

You can do this. Act natural. Practice in real life situations until it is natural.

💐💐💐

MysteryBelle · 10/07/2023 03:04

Dalek not Daley!!

Alstoybarn · 10/07/2023 03:15

Jesus christ this made my day 😂😂😂

MysteryBelle · 10/07/2023 03:24

Alstoybarn · 10/07/2023 03:15

Jesus christ this made my day 😂😂😂

What, the walking on her knees and getting caught? Me too 😂😂😂

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