My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

To have never met/ said hello to my in laws?

294 replies

AndTheSurveySays · 09/07/2023 23:25

Basically in 15 years of being with DH
I have never met nor appeared on video chat with my family in law (I did actually appear once on video chat and literally said 'hello' to his mother then disappeared. They've also witnessed me trying to pass by without being noticed, walking on my knees).
It hasn't been a problem, when they've asked to see me DH has always made some excuse but lately his siblings keep pestering him to put me on chat or at least share a photo. I've refused so far.

DH is now saying it's time I should just speak to them to stop his siblings from messaging about it so often. I really don't want to. I hate appearing on film and would have no idea what to say. I feel the fact it's gone on so long just makes it seem even weirder to suddenly decide to talk to them.

AIBU?

OP posts:
JennyJenny8675309 · 10/07/2023 00:58

This is so far out there that I’m not really buying it. On the off chance I’m wrong, the way to fix this situation is NOT to continue the behaviour that got you into this mess. Start talking—it’s what adults do—even though it might be uncomfortable.

DreamTheMoors · 10/07/2023 00:58

Do you have some sort of psychological disorder that prevents you from meeting them?

Do you avoid people in other areas of your life or is this specific to your husband’s family?

MumblesParty · 10/07/2023 00:58

It’s way more than “a bit odd”. It’s seriously bizarre, and rude. Unless you have a significant mental health diagnosis, this is possibly one of the weirdest scenarios I’ve ever come across.

JennyJenny8675309 · 10/07/2023 00:58

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 10/07/2023 00:57

it would meet my measure of batshit I'm afraid.

Mine, too.

Totalwasteofpaper · 10/07/2023 00:59

This (if true) is nuts...and there is NO WAY you believe this is normal behaviour.

The way you start is by saying "hi how are things?"
You should also maybe discuss this with your husband so he can support you in forming a relationship with your DD & DHs biological family rather than randomers on the internet.

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 10/07/2023 01:00

Trying to imagine having had a sister in law for the past 15 years who I'd never met and was just constantly told that she was 'busy making dinner' or had 'just popped out to the shops'. Bizarro.

Quiverer · 10/07/2023 01:00

AndTheSurveySays · 10/07/2023 00:47

Can you just send them little friendly messages on WhatsApp?

No. That will likely invite more conversation from them.

So what is wrong with that?

Quiverer · 10/07/2023 01:00

As you are apparently OK with being photographed, what is your objection to video?

Totalwasteofpaper · 10/07/2023 01:02

MumblesParty · 10/07/2023 00:58

It’s way more than “a bit odd”. It’s seriously bizarre, and rude. Unless you have a significant mental health diagnosis, this is possibly one of the weirdest scenarios I’ve ever come across.

Agreed.

AndTheSurveySays · 10/07/2023 01:04

What exactly is batshit? I've not hurt anyone, I've not caused drama etc I've simply just never spoken to them.


Thank you to those that have offered advice, I do appreciate it.

OP posts:
Unknownunknowns · 10/07/2023 01:05

Quiverer · 10/07/2023 01:00

So what is wrong with that?

This is how you get to know someone, by having conversations with them.

Serious question, have you ever thought about what would happen if your DH died? How would you tell his family? Imagine how much more awful that would be After 20 /30 /40 years, and never speaking to them.

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 10/07/2023 01:05

'I've simply never spoken to any of my in-laws during the 15 years I've been married to my husband. what's weird about that?'

JeandeServiette · 10/07/2023 01:07

AndTheSurveySays · 10/07/2023 01:04

What exactly is batshit? I've not hurt anyone, I've not caused drama etc I've simply just never spoken to them.


Thank you to those that have offered advice, I do appreciate it.

I think the knee walking thing added a touch of farce, but you've covered that now.

Beyond that, though, some people just can't imagine being very shy or self-conscious.

Don't let the tactless posts bother you.

toomuchlaundry · 10/07/2023 01:09

But why haven’t you spoken to them, you could always have camera off if you don’t like being on video?

And crawling on your knees to not be in shot is batshit.

If DH is on video call with his mum I will sometimes just call out hello if I need to walk past him, or sometimes stop for a chat. It really isn’t that difficult

I can imagine MIL (and DH) would be upset if I had avoided speaking to MIL and the rest of the family for so long

FrontEnd · 10/07/2023 01:11

I agree with the chat suggested by @MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly on p3...very sweet and you will definitely survive it. Social anxiety really sucks 💐

MysteryBelle · 10/07/2023 01:13

They've also witnessed me trying to pass by without being noticed, walking on my knees

🧐😄

That’s quite a visual. Walking on your knees to avoid being seen on video chat. Refuse to meet in-laws even on video chats. You’re a strange one, Op.

How did you come to meet and marry your dh if you ‘find it difficult to talk to new people’?

Get over yourself. You’re actually bringing MORE attention to yourself by acting weird. Hence all the questioning by family.

You are putting the spotlight on yourself, making yourself the center of attention, by being foolish.

If you think your husband is going to put up with your bizarre and unnecessary foolishness indefinitely, I’m afraid you’ve got a rude awakening coming your way.

Imogensmumma · 10/07/2023 01:15

AndTheSurveySays · 10/07/2023 01:04

What exactly is batshit? I've not hurt anyone, I've not caused drama etc I've simply just never spoken to them.


Thank you to those that have offered advice, I do appreciate it.

You are either rude, naive or stupid if you think you haven’t hurt someone or not caused drama.

You will 100% caused drama and have probably severely embarrassed your DH and made his family feel unworthy and unwelcome of your time.

I hope this is fake otherwise your poor DH’s family.

I hate video chats but seriously I get on with it for my DH and My DD and their families sake

AndTheSurveySays · 10/07/2023 01:18

How did you come to meet and marry your dh if you ‘find it difficult to talk to new people’?

Online via a Dr Who fan club, he was Davros and I was a Dalek Blush

You will 100% caused drama and have probably severely embarrassed your DH and made his family feel unworthy and unwelcome of your time

Why? His family don't seem the drama lama types.

I'm willing to put the effort in to making things right but I'm just still figuring out exactly how to.

OP posts:
HarrietSchulenberg · 10/07/2023 01:18

My eldest boys have long term girlfriends but are not quite at the point of seriously thinking of marriage. I have met both their girlfriends (who are both lovely). I would be very hurt and confused to think that one of my boys would marry and have a child with someone who couldn't even say, "Hello" on a video call with me. I would think you were either controlling or very rude, and would be worried for my son.
Mind you, you'd probably consider that I was unimportant anyway.
Have a think about how you'd feel if your DD built a life with someone who couldn't be arsed to speak to you, then decide if YABU or not.

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 10/07/2023 01:21

I'm going for ND and MH issues.

I only say this because what seems batshit to all else, can actually be a real anxiety issue.

Nearly 30 years ago my hairdresser would turn the chair so I didn't have to see my face in the mirror (I was actually lovely looking). I got a dream job 2 years ago, but would not put my face on screen for the training. Everybody else did, we all looked normal etc, but I just couldn't.

I haven't had my photo taken willingly in the last 15 years. My Mum started saying that the kids will look back and wonder why you were never there!

I wouldn't have my picture taken with my Nan, my everything, even though I knew she was dying.

So... It's not bullshit.

OP, what I would suggest is getting a photo of yourself, or one of you and DH or DD and using that as the picture and at least say hello to your family.

Of course they are going to think it's weird, they do already! Baby steps though and a little hello now and again, and new photo every couple of months if you are up to it?

I don't know what makes me, or other people this way, but it does happen.

All the best X

RantyAnty · 10/07/2023 01:21

Do you work outside the home?

FlamingoQueen · 10/07/2023 01:23

I completely understand not wanting to be on video - I hate it so very rarely say anything when I do have to appear. My tip would be to let DH / them do the talking. Look at the screen as a whole and smile and laugh politely. You may (eventually) find it okay.

HoppingPavlova · 10/07/2023 01:24

They've also witnessed me trying to pass by without being noticed, walking on my knees

You have to come on an internet site to ask if this is weird. Really? Either this is complete BS, or you need a massive amount of professional help.

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 10/07/2023 01:27

I've just read your previous post. Online makes sense - adopting a different personality - even though that personality is your true self.

Your husband loves and accepts you. His family have already accepted you (but probably think that you're a weirdo!) Just one picture of you both or all together.
You may need to take a hundred... But finding one that you agree to...
You'll find that the world doesn't end and that to DH family they'll not understand the fuss. Your anxiety will decrease so much and you may be able to speak to them (no Dalek voice! 🤣 Or was that him!)! X

HoppingPavlova · 10/07/2023 01:31

I accept the situation is a bit odd but I don't believe it's 'batshit'

Now intrigued. If you don’t think this situation is batshit, can you give an example of a situation you do you think is batshit?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.