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AIBU?

To have never met/ said hello to my in laws?

294 replies

AndTheSurveySays · 09/07/2023 23:25

Basically in 15 years of being with DH
I have never met nor appeared on video chat with my family in law (I did actually appear once on video chat and literally said 'hello' to his mother then disappeared. They've also witnessed me trying to pass by without being noticed, walking on my knees).
It hasn't been a problem, when they've asked to see me DH has always made some excuse but lately his siblings keep pestering him to put me on chat or at least share a photo. I've refused so far.

DH is now saying it's time I should just speak to them to stop his siblings from messaging about it so often. I really don't want to. I hate appearing on film and would have no idea what to say. I feel the fact it's gone on so long just makes it seem even weirder to suddenly decide to talk to them.

AIBU?

OP posts:
12RedRoses · 10/07/2023 00:18

BishopRock · 10/07/2023 00:16

Me too!

Three!

AndTheSurveySays · 10/07/2023 00:18

Ok, I accept I'm being unreasonable.

How would people go about actaully talking to them?



you are being so incredibly unreasonable and are now getting defensive when people have unanimously told you so

Eh? Are you quite alright?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/07/2023 00:18

Batshit thread of the day.

Latenightreader · 10/07/2023 00:18

Have you had any sort of contact - letter/postcards/friendly message in a seasonal or birthday card?

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 10/07/2023 00:20

Definitely in the top three weirdest things I've ever read on MN in my decade of being here. And that's a competitive category.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 10/07/2023 00:21

It’s bound to be awkward after so long, just say hello, nice to meet you, hope you’re having a good day. I suppose it’ll feel like being in a gold fish bowl at first until they’ve got over the novelty of actually seeing and speaking to you but it’ll pass.
I can’t image creeping past on my knees to avoid being on camera. that’s just silly.

Ohhhhhhhhh · 10/07/2023 00:23

AnxiouslyWait · 10/07/2023 00:17

Don’t mention the gap.. just say hi and ask about their day etc

This is probably your best bet. Just pretend like everything is normal even though it's totally bizarre

I do have some sympathy OP, I have terrible social anxiety and literally hide when mil does a video call with the kids, I absolutely hate it. I regularly speak to her in person though.

Verbena17 · 10/07/2023 00:23

Hi @AndTheSurveySays just wondering, does your dh send gifts for their birthdays? So they send you birthday/Christmas gifts etc?

Do you find other social situations difficult would you say? What about seeing if there is an online course you could do (not video course obviously) that might be able to help you feel more at ease starting up conversations with them. It just seems such a shame that they have a granddaughter they only see occasionally and a daughter in law they’ve never seen/met.

Do you have your own family too, who you see here in the UK?

JeandeServiette · 10/07/2023 00:23

Just come to the screen and wave and say hi next time it crops up. Maybe say something about your child. Answer any questions briefly. Smile. Doesn't have to be a long speech.

They just want to see you and have a chance to be friendly to you.

ZiriForEver · 10/07/2023 00:23

I kind of understand the "it's going on for so long, that it is impossible to change".
On the other hand, it will hopefully last even longer from now on, so it is still worth it.

Your position is definitely unusual, but you know that.

My partner often joins video calls for 5-10 minutes, says literally hello, shares some small things, and than excuses himself, he has some stuff to finish or so.
Find a minimalistic way which has a chance to be ok for you, don't explain the change, maybe have one sentence ready ("we planned a bit differently this time, so I am able to join for a few minutes).

JeandeServiette · 10/07/2023 00:24

They already know you're shy. You don't need to reference that or the long silence. They'll just be pleased to exchange a few words.

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/07/2023 00:26

Can you just send them little friendly messages on WhatsApp?

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 10/07/2023 00:37

I would go on screen and say "hi, I'm x, it's lovely to finally meet you. Sorry it's taken so long, I'm extremely shy, but decided to be brave today. How are you all...." and go from there. I think not acknowledging that you haven't been in contact for 15 years will just make things even more awkward.

Mothership4two · 10/07/2023 00:38

MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 10/07/2023 00:20

Definitely in the top three weirdest things I've ever read on MN in my decade of being here. And that's a competitive category.

^^THIS

& I'm shy and hate video calls

DyslexicPoster · 10/07/2023 00:42

That's really, really strange. I avoid talking to mil via video call but I talk to her all the time

EasterBreak · 10/07/2023 00:45

This has to be a joke?

AndTheSurveySays · 10/07/2023 00:46

I can’t image creeping past on my knees to avoid being on camera. that’s just silly


The creeping on my knees thing does make me cringe but I didn't think they'd be able to see me.


It’s bound to be awkward after so long, just say hello, nice to meet you, hope you’re having a good day. I suppose it’ll feel like being in a gold fish bowl at first until they’ve got over the novelty of actually seeing and speaking to you but it’ll pass.

Yes, I think I'll just have to grin and bear it at some point though I'm not sure how. Do I say hello to each person individually? Do I look at their image or the camera lense? How do I exit talking to them? I do feel sick about it all, the years seem to have flown by.

OP posts:
Arrgghhdecisions · 10/07/2023 00:47

Eh? 🤣🤣

Your poor husband and DC.
Your poor in laws

How do you function in every day life? I hope you aren't holding your DC back with your crippling batshitness

AndTheSurveySays · 10/07/2023 00:47

Can you just send them little friendly messages on WhatsApp?

No. That will likely invite more conversation from them.

OP posts:
CuteKidsx5 · 10/07/2023 00:48

Are you Anna Kournikova? Been with Enrique Iglesias for 20 years or so, I remember reading she hadnt met his father!

FannyFifer · 10/07/2023 00:51

Have you literally never video called anyone before?
What on earth does your husband say as to why you are so rude to his family?

MintJulia · 10/07/2023 00:56

The funny thing is, OP, if more people stayed away from their ILs completely, there would be far fewer unhappy people on MN.

It is a bit weird not to say hello though. If your DD speaks to them occasionally, I think I'd just pop up in one of her calls, passing in the background, and say Hi.

Start small and try to build up.

toomuchlaundry · 10/07/2023 00:56

Could you start small and just have his parents on the call to start with?

Have they never seen a photo of you, do you not do social media with them? Did they come to the wedding? Have they never visited?

AndTheSurveySays · 10/07/2023 00:56

Have you literally never video called anyone before?
What on earth does your husband say as to why you are so rude to his family?

Why would I need to video call anyone? I don't find it a necessary part of life.

He's always just said that I'm a bit shy or that I'm busy/not home.


I hope you aren't holding your DC back with your crippling batshitness

I accept the situation is a bit odd but I don't believe it's 'batshit'.

OP posts:
MouseSculptureMadeOfOldHairbrushFluff · 10/07/2023 00:57

it would meet my measure of batshit I'm afraid.

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