To destroy my family for sex?

[Daebak]

Obviously slightly hyperbolic title, but also honestly how I feel sometimes.

I know there has already been quite a few threads on this sort of thing before (I believe I have searched and read every one) so I will summarise the important bits.

Yes, I have tried to talk to him about it. This usually ends in one of two outcomes. He refuses to talk about it at all, or he starts promising to try more.

I swing between feeling like a sex pest for even mentioning how unhappy I am and feeling angry at DH seemingly just not caring about the pain he is causing me.

It would make it easier if he was honest. I’ve begged him for the brutal truth so I can try to fix whatever it is. He says he is still attracted to me, that there is no problem and I’m making a fuss about nothing, that he wants me…but nothing ever changes and there is clearly a huge problem.

It’s hard to describe the deep soul crushing despair that the man I love just isn’t interested in me ‘that way’ at all.

He does have a medical issue, but he is seeking no help for it. I’ve even made him appointments when he has expressed a wish to get help that he just doesn’t bother showing up to.

It is also more than just the sex. There is no physical intimacy at all. And the effect it has had on me feels catastrophic. I used to be quite confident and happy, bubbly even. Now I feel so unattractive, like a Quasimodo figure lurching around the house.

We have two children, upper primary ages. The thought of me turning their word upside down ‘just’ because I’m not having sex is ridiculous and selfish isn’t it? Apart from this issue DH and I are like best friends, the dc and DH are very happy. That’s what I keep telling myself.

But I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m a shell of my former self. I feel anxious, depressed and at one very low point had very dark thoughts. It sounds ridiculous and shallow of me that this has had such an effect, but it really has.

Has anyone stayed/left in this situation? Many of the threads I’ve read don’t really cover whether it was worth it to leave an otherwise happy marriage for sex.

It doesn’t sound like a happy marriage at all though?

The marriage is over so it's up to you when you end it physically. Now, or in a few years when the kids are over 18 and you're even more depressed and lonely?
There is no saving the marriage, that's your starting point.

Yanbu. You won't be destroying your family. You will be creating a happier one albiet on a different for. Happy mum= happy kids.

I left my fiancé two weeks before our wedding for exactly this reason. I was exactly as you describe. I have never regretted it for one minute, even though he was the love of my life and I adored him.
My current partner I have since been with for 20 years, we have had amazing sex in that time, even though nothing physical for a while now due to ED.
we don’t have kids though, so I can’t offer up any advice on that front. But an unhappy wife is also an unhappy mum :(

I think happy mum = happy kids is over-simplistic bollocks tbh. But I also think that sexual compatibility is too big and too important a piece of a relationship to ignore.

There's a problem, he doesn't want to address it. You aren't happy with celibacy (don't blame you). Only way forward is out.

Go for it. The kids will be ok.

You shouldn't have to lead a stunted life.

Doesn't sound like it's just sex, and you would not be the only person 'destroying' (or working on) things. In the end, there are things you can make decisions on as only one person with the guts to do that, one half of the equation. I think it's possible to do them with integrity - though is very hard - or, eventually to take a route which really is something that might drop a bomb in it all. It's not possible to make someone else willingly have sex with you long term.

I stayed for years when there was no intimacy. No sex. No discussion. I was called a nympho for just needing human touch.
Do not be me. This does not get better without effort on his part and I doubt he will make any effort.
Don’t waste more time like I did. Your years are precious. Don’t waste them @Daebak

I'd have one more go and tell him you are considering ending the relationship, not because of the lack of intimacy but because he won't discuss or address it. If he doesn't respond I would say it is reasonable to leave.

This is clearly a massive issue for you (it would be for me too) and he is simply refusing to address it. If my DH had ed, had tried everything and it still couldn’t be sorted, I wouldn’t leave him for it. But if he refused to even address it and just…watched as it took a massive toll on me? I think I would leave. I’m sorry op, what a shit situation 🥺

Could you try counselling? Set it as an ultimatum if he's resistant.

Whatever else happens, you shouldn’t allow other people to determine how confident or attractive you feel in yourself. Don’t cede that power to other people.

Was he always like this, or did something happen to make him change?

Personally I would keep trying to work on it for the sake of the kids.

Give him an ultimatum

He gets proper help or you get divorced

Then follow up on that, don't let it go on longer then a few months.

I left my exhusband after 29yrs, we were just brother and sister and no sex. I wanted to feel desired. Kids were a bit older and I was 47ish

I'm now 52, remarried and my new husband makes me feel beautiful every day and we have great sex.

I really feel for you. My marriage has very recently ended for pretty much this reason and we have two school-age DDs. The trouble is it’s not just about the sex and the loss of confidence, it ends up with resentment building. In your shoes I would be struggling with the fact that he isn’t accepting help for the medical problem, despite the impact it’s having on the relationship.

Would you and he consider relationship/sex therapy? We found a great therapist and although the problems were too big for us by the time we got to that, for lots of couples outcomes can be good.

You are important too, the d s will pick up on your unhappiness! I’m sorry but the marriage is over unless you both don’t want sex and saying your like best friends is very telling, why not say you are best friends??

better to be single and celibate than to be in a relationship like this!

It’s a difficult one, is there no physical intimacy between you at all? I’m in your husband’s situation in that I really am not interested in sex at all. I love my DH and find him physically attractive but I just have zero desire for sex. Probably as I’m a menopausal woman and I’m also knackered most of the time. Me and DH do have sex but not as often as he would like. I don’t know what the answer is and I can see it’s unfair if one of you wants sex and the other doesn’t. It’s easy for others to say leave but it depends if he will talk about it so you can find a solution. It’s not necessarily the case he doesn’t love you or fancy you but he may just not have any desire. That’s not to say you have to accept the situation. I think communication is key here to find out what the issue is. It’s all very well people saying leave but if you’ve got an otherwise good marriage, are best friends and have children in the mix it’s not as simple as that.

Have an affair. Worst that happens is he finds out and leaves you...which is what you're contemplating anyway.

If he won't discuss it or do anything about it, it's on him. Tell him that you're on the cusp of leaving and ask if he wants a last chance to solve. I left a 10 year relationship for this reason (no kids though) and don't regret it for a second. This isn't about who's right or wrong, it's about what's right/OK to do. Sexuality is super delicate for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. He might have a deep, even unconscious, trauma. But if he won't acknowledge your distress and needs, it's OK to leave.

Would some kind of short sharp shock work? Like taking the kids away for a time over the summer as a trial separation, or you telling him that you want a trial separation in the Autumn? If the issue is that he still doesn’t realise that the issue is important to you this might give him a wake up call?

Do you think you’d be happy staying with him but dating other people on the side? What do you think he would think about that?

OP I really feel for you and I hope you find a solution you are happy with.

My whole adult life I have been mystified why we as a society and culture seem to be convinced that men are always wanting sex and that women have to be persuaded. In my own case, and so many cases on MN it’s really clear that isn’t true.

This false belief makes things far worse for women who want sex more than their partners because it’s easy to believe or be gaslighted into believing that you are weird or have a problem because apparently most women don’t have a high sex drive. This is so obviously untrue.

It's not just about sex though. It's about the fact that he doesn't care at all that it's upsetting you.

Have you talked to him about getting your jollies elsewhere? If you're happy living together maybe it's something to try before leaving. I know several people who are in the same situation (me included) who have saved a relationship through this.
Drop me a DM and I'll give you details.

How upset would he be if you suggested living separately?

I genuinely don’t think separations in of themselves are catastrophic for children at all. If they can be done amicably and with parents on the same page and good communication, especially. Yes they might have to move house but kids do that all the time and are ok.

i think it can be damaging when there’s acrimony or they see a lot of arguing and upset and parents bad mouthing each other, but it may not be like that for you?

I think a roommate situation can only last for so long. I was flabbergasted when a friend ended what looked like an incredible marriage with two very young DC. But she said she felt like his sister. Intimacy is very important for most people I think.