To destroy my family for sex?

[Daebak]

Obviously slightly hyperbolic title, but also honestly how I feel sometimes.

I know there has already been quite a few threads on this sort of thing before (I believe I have searched and read every one) so I will summarise the important bits.

Yes, I have tried to talk to him about it. This usually ends in one of two outcomes. He refuses to talk about it at all, or he starts promising to try more.

I swing between feeling like a sex pest for even mentioning how unhappy I am and feeling angry at DH seemingly just not caring about the pain he is causing me.

It would make it easier if he was honest. I’ve begged him for the brutal truth so I can try to fix whatever it is. He says he is still attracted to me, that there is no problem and I’m making a fuss about nothing, that he wants me…but nothing ever changes and there is clearly a huge problem.

It’s hard to describe the deep soul crushing despair that the man I love just isn’t interested in me ‘that way’ at all.

He does have a medical issue, but he is seeking no help for it. I’ve even made him appointments when he has expressed a wish to get help that he just doesn’t bother showing up to.

It is also more than just the sex. There is no physical intimacy at all. And the effect it has had on me feels catastrophic. I used to be quite confident and happy, bubbly even. Now I feel so unattractive, like a Quasimodo figure lurching around the house.

We have two children, upper primary ages. The thought of me turning their word upside down ‘just’ because I’m not having sex is ridiculous and selfish isn’t it? Apart from this issue DH and I are like best friends, the dc and DH are very happy. That’s what I keep telling myself.

But I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m a shell of my former self. I feel anxious, depressed and at one very low point had very dark thoughts. It sounds ridiculous and shallow of me that this has had such an effect, but it really has.

Has anyone stayed/left in this situation? Many of the threads I’ve read don’t really cover whether it was worth it to leave an otherwise happy marriage for sex.

I agree with the first part, but not the second. Women can get sex whenever they want it. Intimacy may be harder to come by, but as a single mum with an XH who will presumably be looking after his own kids at least once a week, preferably more, she has ample opportunity to meet new people and forge new relationships. Almost everyone is a single parent at this age and we’re all dating!

Happy Mum happy kids is bullshit your children literally don’t care whether you’re happy or not will stay children. They may change when they’re adults but right here right now they don’t care.

Of course kids care, if they don't care on an empathic level (I'd probably take them to a psychiatrist as that's a bit worrying tbh) then they will at least care about the impact on them. You can feel it when you're around unhappy people, and it's not pleasant, if you don't feel bad for them, in the least it can impact on your own ability to be happy- raining on your parade and all that. I felt it when my parents weren't happy, and it wasn't a comfortable environment. I'm not saying divorce is rainbows and butterflies either, but I think there is a lot to be said about setting examples to children by treating yourself with respect, and having standards. Especially women who have a habit of putting themselves last which then only becomes a cycle.

I've only read your posts @Daebak so apologies if this has already been mentioned but do you know that withholding of sex is sometimes used as a method of abuse? You sound miserable, it's obviously not just the lack of actual intercourse but all that a loving relationship should be that's lacking. I know you say you are otherwise friendly with your husband but you are dancing to his tune, how often does he dance to yours?

Please do not feel that putting yourself through however many more years of feeling like this will be better for your children, it won't.

And to those who say you won't have time for sex being a single mother, I would say it probably won't be so much of an issue because you won't have that constant rejection every time you are in the presence of your husband. That is the thing that is the soul destroying part.

And this is why women tend to seek affairs, because they LOVE their partner and don’t want to be without them, but also don’t want to be without affection and intimacy for the rest of their lives when they are still young

I think that is very true.

I have no advice but am in the same situation. It's lonely and soul-crushing. My DH currently has some health issues - that do not affect his ability to be intimate - but he weaponises his health. It always has to be the priority and I'm supposed to be happy with crumbs. Last week he said I could give him a quick hug if I wanted - after almost nine months of no physical contact at all. I feel humiliated and needy and undesirable.
He knows I won't leave. One of our DC's best friends has fallen apart spectacularly since her parents' divorce last year and our DC (of that age) has always needed more support. I wouldn't risk the impact on them.
But that doesn't mean you should stay. Actually I agree with the posts saying you should leave. You deserve affection and touch and sex. You deserve to feel seen. It makes me so sad to think other people are going through this 💐

Read the thread and this stuck out. First of all no the replies aren't different. Firstly, it nearly always comes out that the husband doesn't pull his weight In the home and everything is left to the wife and she's exhausted. If this isn't the case then the OP is told that sex is a huge part of a relationship and it isn't fair to the husband. Very few posters agree that the husband should put up with a sexless relationship which is why I'm surprised that so many posters are encouraging the OP to stay or stay and get therapy. The OP should not have to have therapy due her husband not wanting ANY form of physical closeness.
This is no way to live, physical intimacy is what sets our romantic relationship apart from friendships. The OP deserves to be shown basic affection. As it is, she can't even hug her husband.
Women have wants just like men do and we shouldn't be shamed for that. Women who want and enjoy sex are viewed with suspicion, especially by other women.
I would sit down with him and have a cards on the table talk. You cannot go on like this and I doubt he will change, so how do you separate and make it as easy on the kids as possible. He is being unreasonable, not allowing ANY intimacy but being jealous of other men.

just saw another post, dh came out as gay after 27 years of marriage, op also described their marriage as 'best friends'.

people here are being gental and polite. here's the thing, if he knows that there are serious issues and you are unhappy, but still refuses to address them or to make any effort, then is he really your best friend? seems to me he totally disregards your feelings, he couldn't give less f about your misery, that's not what friends do to each other. the term 'best friends' are totally abused in terrible marriages. if your partner doesn't care and respect all your needs and feelings, you are not best friends. stop fooling yourself, he is the only one who benefits from it, your kids will be angry and ashamed if they learnt the truth about your seemingly perfect marriage.

It's not just sex though is it? It's intimacy, closeness and the need to feel loved and cherished. I sometimes think men do withdraw affection in order to push you away so you end the relationship and are the "bad guy". They then have neatly avoided the guilt of ending the relationship themselves.

I never understand why some people link their self worth to sex. We have gone through phases of being completely sexless (especially after IVF finally worked after 10 YEARS of trying, nothing takes the joy out of it like regiment schedual and repeated disappointment).

Sex or not I know Im no 'Quasimodo', its sad you see yourself like that. Sex is not the be all and end all of life, its a tiny part and shouldn't define you.

I ripped my life apart for this reason. A crush (not someone I ended up with) lit a fire in me and I realised couldn’t keep a lid on myself for the rest of my life. And looking back that’s what it felt like-being trapped in a metal box. The soul-crushing dissonance of being with someone who apparently loved me, but not my body. Who wouldn’t take any responsibility for understanding what was going on. And me begging for years and years and years.

It was really, really hard. My parents got it though. I remember explaining things to my dad (had to, we looked perfect from the outside) and he said ‘well you’re too young to give up on your life’.

Yes marriage is a partnership, you need to be on the same team domestically blah blah blah. But sex is a deep psychological need, not some frippery we can just give up on after we’ve had kids.

and re those kids-I was putting way, way too much pressure on DC to fulfill my emotional needs. All subconscious of course but they are much happier now they’re not being used to patch up the cracks.

Good luck xxxx

@JusthereforXmas and have those sexless periods of your marriage been something both you and your DH have been happy to accept?

Sex is never ‘just sex’ in a close relationship. Sex is bonding and beautiful, the thing that only you do together that builds that special closeness that you have together. It’s that wonderful blending of emotional and physical intimacy and sharing and caring for each other.

Most people need this in a relationship. And you have articulated very well the destruction it reeks when one partner finds themself in an unwanted sexless relationship.

Are people actually reading the OPs posts here? It’s no just about the sex. It’s a complete lack of any intimacy or affection. For YEARS! From the person you are supposed to be closest too. That’s not what a marriage is. Please ignore the posters who just don’t appear to comprehend what you’re talking about - you’re not being unreasonable at all! You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel loved and appreciated, not someone who won’t even hug you. And anyone who is saying otherwise is talking absolute bollocks! I refuse to believe any of the posters having a pop at you, would be happy as Larry to have their husbands flinching when they touched them. Utter bullshit.
im so sorry you’re dealing with this. It sounds soul crushing and you deserve so much better.

I was in this situation op and I ended it

I'm with someone the last few years and have great sex

It was such a shame to end the previous relationship as we got on great and we'd been together for 10 years.

Think about what kind of relationship you are modelling to your children. A lack of affection between you will be apparent to them.

Sone posters are really harsh here. It's not just sex. It's intimacy, affection.

He sounds like he doesn't want you and doesn't want anyone else to have you either. It's unfair he's willing to address any of it. There are two people in a marriage and he's treating you appallingly.

Why limit this to women? Look an any marital ‘dating’ site. Most middle aged men seeking affairs are in exactly the same position, ‘ I love my wife, she’s my best friend, and I will never leave her, but…’ is exactly what they say too.

And I agree with @AngleofTheNorth , being single is far far less painful than the desolation of constant rejection.

Also (I have lots of thoughts on this) I realised after we split that he’d been rejecting me on every level. Conversation, small acts of kindness, everything. Sex is the big thing we point to in relationships but it’s all about communication really.

3 years is a long time with sex in a marriage if either partner still wants it.

Honestly I'd leave - you're still young ! Enjoy life - let's face it it's not going to get any better ! He's had plenty of time to take action / discuss this.

Sex is the big thing we point to in relationships but it’s all about communication really

No. It’s about friendship. It’s about the attitude you have to your partner. People who say relationships are all about communication are deeply wrong.

OP this is no way to live, you shouldn't have to beg your DH for scraps of attention. Your relationship sounds good, but it sounds like you're friends, nothing more. This seems to suit your DH but you're clearly deeply unhappy. If he loved you as much as you love him he would at least try to resolve the issue or be honest about why he has withdrawn physically.

I've been on the other side of this, lost my sex drive after having children and saw my partner as a sex pest. His attempts to "spice things up" upset me. And then of course, we were in a downward spiral of me not wanting to sleep with him even more. I also withdrew from any kind of hugging/kissing in case it made him try and have sex with me.

My advice is to communicate about how you feel rejected, unattractive, how you are missing the romance etc.. rather than telling him how sexually frustrated you are, as you may be coming across as angry with him and putting him under pressure. Suggest to him that you get a babysitter and go out for dinner together, try to get the romantic stuff back and take the pressure off, the sex will follow in my experience. You are feeling resentful but he might be feeling like that towards you as well.

That was a bit simplistic of me. I meant that if you’re experiencing physical rejection, there’s probably significant rejection/aversion happening on other fronts, too.

You don't get it. Repeated rejection makes you feel worthless and unattractive. It's not about the sex in itself. It's about what it represents to the person. To the couple.

@Namechangenoo I think you're projecting a bit too much from your own experiences here, have you read all of OP's replies? I don't think it's reasonable to expect the OP to put in all that effort when the DH has completely disengaged. The kind of effort you are talking about only works when it is 2 way, which the DH seems to have no interest in.