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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To destroy my family for sex?

379 replies

Daebak · 09/07/2023 10:06

Obviously slightly hyperbolic title, but also honestly how I feel sometimes.

I know there has already been quite a few threads on this sort of thing before (I believe I have searched and read every one) so I will summarise the important bits.

Yes, I have tried to talk to him about it. This usually ends in one of two outcomes. He refuses to talk about it at all, or he starts promising to try more.

I swing between feeling like a sex pest for even mentioning how unhappy I am and feeling angry at DH seemingly just not caring about the pain he is causing me.

It would make it easier if he was honest. I’ve begged him for the brutal truth so I can try to fix whatever it is. He says he is still attracted to me, that there is no problem and I’m making a fuss about nothing, that he wants me…but nothing ever changes and there is clearly a huge problem.

It’s hard to describe the deep soul crushing despair that the man I love just isn’t interested in me ‘that way’ at all.

He does have a medical issue, but he is seeking no help for it. I’ve even made him appointments when he has expressed a wish to get help that he just doesn’t bother showing up to.

It is also more than just the sex. There is no physical intimacy at all. And the effect it has had on me feels catastrophic. I used to be quite confident and happy, bubbly even. Now I feel so unattractive, like a Quasimodo figure lurching around the house.

We have two children, upper primary ages. The thought of me turning their word upside down ‘just’ because I’m not having sex is ridiculous and selfish isn’t it? Apart from this issue DH and I are like best friends, the dc and DH are very happy. That’s what I keep telling myself.

But I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m a shell of my former self. I feel anxious, depressed and at one very low point had very dark thoughts. It sounds ridiculous and shallow of me that this has had such an effect, but it really has.

Has anyone stayed/left in this situation? Many of the threads I’ve read don’t really cover whether it was worth it to leave an otherwise happy marriage for sex.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 09/07/2023 11:14

Fairyliz · 09/07/2023 10:46

Realistically how much sex us there going to be when you have split up and you are stuck in a smaller home with two kids and no money to go out and meet people?
Yes I’m sure there will be plenty of men up for a quick shag, but do you really want that sort of soulless sex?
Yes you might meet a wonderful man who wants a relationship with you and your children but there are not that many of them around. DD and her friends (late 20’s, early 30’s) are all single, no kids, decent jobs, attractive young women and they struggle to find any man who wants a relationship.
Sorry to be so negative but think very carefully about what you want and try and sort things with your husband first.

That's an utter reduction of the significance of sex.

Broadly, sex is the distinguishing factor between intimate relationships (marriage or equivalent) & all other relationships (family, friendships).

It is about connection at a profound level (not saying sex in marriage has to be always profound either!).

It's not that OP wants any sex - it's that the person who is supposed to want her & desire her not only doesn't want her but makes her feel bad, refuses to address the issue and demeans her. That's soul-destroying & OP is right to make plans to leave.

OP I'd suggest counselling for you as you make this decision & plan your steps. You are in no way unreasonable or selfish.

RecycleMePlease · 09/07/2023 11:15

It is also more than just the sex. There is no physical intimacy at all.

You said it yourself.

My ex would say that he slept with all and sundry (causing the end of the relationship) because I didn't want to have sex with him.

From my side, there was no intimacy - no peck good morning, or even having a cup of tea together, no squeeze of my thigh or shoulder when I sat down next to him. Sex was actually the least of the issues.

Luckydip1 · 09/07/2023 11:16

Normally it's the other way round but probably the REAL reason most marriages fall apart, very sad but time to move on.

Tooyoungtofeelthisold · 09/07/2023 11:16

Tbh if you feel like sex is the only thing that's wrong in your marriage, you need to tackle it in an I'm unfulfilled, what I need sort of discussion.
As a last ditch attempt, you should discuss what this is doing to you, and that you want the ability to have sex, even if not with him. Or you need to leave to have sex.

It's him that doesn't want to have sex, it requires a discussion and compromise from somewhere or your marriage will end

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 09/07/2023 11:16

Have you got a sexual partner lined up?

EarringsandLipstick · 09/07/2023 11:17

BeeDavis · 09/07/2023 11:01

The replies on this are so different to threads where the OP is moaning about her husband wanting sex but she doesn’t. Very very different. It’s interesting.

No, they are not.

If you look at those threads they are almost always utterly different.

Husbands pestering for sex while being selfish & refusing to participate in daily life, or underlying relationship issues.

Depending on the situation the advice is often similar: talk to your husband, suggest counselling, let him know what your issues are. And if no resolution possible or this has been tried, you need to separate.

Zingys · 09/07/2023 11:17

Daebak · 09/07/2023 10:06

Obviously slightly hyperbolic title, but also honestly how I feel sometimes.

I know there has already been quite a few threads on this sort of thing before (I believe I have searched and read every one) so I will summarise the important bits.

Yes, I have tried to talk to him about it. This usually ends in one of two outcomes. He refuses to talk about it at all, or he starts promising to try more.

I swing between feeling like a sex pest for even mentioning how unhappy I am and feeling angry at DH seemingly just not caring about the pain he is causing me.

It would make it easier if he was honest. I’ve begged him for the brutal truth so I can try to fix whatever it is. He says he is still attracted to me, that there is no problem and I’m making a fuss about nothing, that he wants me…but nothing ever changes and there is clearly a huge problem.

It’s hard to describe the deep soul crushing despair that the man I love just isn’t interested in me ‘that way’ at all.

He does have a medical issue, but he is seeking no help for it. I’ve even made him appointments when he has expressed a wish to get help that he just doesn’t bother showing up to.

It is also more than just the sex. There is no physical intimacy at all. And the effect it has had on me feels catastrophic. I used to be quite confident and happy, bubbly even. Now I feel so unattractive, like a Quasimodo figure lurching around the house.

We have two children, upper primary ages. The thought of me turning their word upside down ‘just’ because I’m not having sex is ridiculous and selfish isn’t it? Apart from this issue DH and I are like best friends, the dc and DH are very happy. That’s what I keep telling myself.

But I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m a shell of my former self. I feel anxious, depressed and at one very low point had very dark thoughts. It sounds ridiculous and shallow of me that this has had such an effect, but it really has.

Has anyone stayed/left in this situation? Many of the threads I’ve read don’t really cover whether it was worth it to leave an otherwise happy marriage for sex.

If there is a problem in marriage and husband or wife knows about it and refuse to get help- then you are not destroying a family. You are saving yourself. You matter, your happiness matters. Your children want to see mother happy and unhappy unfulfilled marriage is not a good example to them.

moonlitwalks · 09/07/2023 11:18

I did try to ‘spice things up once’ by buying some items and it was an utter disaster. DH got very angry and ‘emasculated’ (his words) that I bought a toy

He is behaving appallingly. Calling you a nymphomaniac is also disgusting, its completely normal for married couples to want sex and intimacy from their partners otherwise, whats the bloody point of having a relationship in the first place?- you may as well raise kids with a close friend or share a house with flatmates. If he thinks sex is so disgusting and only for nymphos then how did you end up having children together?! Let me guess- it was different when HE wanted sex and I suppose that did not make him a nymphomaniac did it? funny how that works.

I also think this is about control - he is belittling you and dragging you down because of a deep insecurity within him. Maybe he has ED issues and instead of addressing them, he's calling you names to make out its you who are abnormal for wanting sex when the problem is actually him. I'm sorry but he sounds horrible and I would absolutely leave. Calling your partner names is repulsive behaviour.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/07/2023 11:18

If you're extremely compatible in every other way, would he accept if you visited a sex club of some sort once a week or so?

Christ.

Did you even read OP's posts?

She doesn't want a sex club. She wants intimacy with her husband who demeans her about this & refuses to engage.

Not enough 🙄🙄🙄 for posts like this.

SayHi · 09/07/2023 11:18

I feel anxious, depressed and at one very low point had very dark thoughts. It sounds ridiculous and shallow of me that this has had such an effect, but it really has.

But you’re not leaving because of the lack of sex, you’re leaving because this relationship is making you depressed.

I know someone who got pregnant and stopped having sex and then had a difficult birth and wouldn’t have sex afterwards and after 2 years of trying and feeling like a sex pest my friend decided to leave the relationship.
So many people called him selfish and a lot worse because he left simply because his wife wouldn’t have sex with him but I felt he did the right thing.

If you are unhappy in a relationship then you try and make it work but if you’ve tried and tried and the partner isn’t trying then you have no choice but to leave.

I’d start looking for somewhere else to live and then tell DH you want some space and stay single/with DH for a few months.

It may be that after a few days you miss him and the DCs and think you’d rather be in a sexless relationship with him than without him or you may think you wished you’d done this years ago and separate for good.

DamaskRosie · 09/07/2023 11:19

Question- would you feel this sort of "deep soul crushing despair" if you were a single woman who just happened not to be having sex? If the answer is no, the issue is not just sex.

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 09/07/2023 11:22

Quick message as I’m up to my eyes in it.

I left. Very similar circumstances, that eventually I realised were linked to other behaviours as you describe.

I only had 1 dc who was a bit younger than yours, and was 30. I just couldn’t face waking up at 40 and realising I’d wasted the “best” years, sleeping alone, feeling unloved and living a half life. So I left.

it was tough, at the time I didn’t have a huge amount of money, so there were sacrifices. Had a few shortish relationships, and am now with a lovely guy who hopefully is the one.

ironically sex isn’t as important to me as it was 10 years ago, but as I said, and as have you, it isn’t just the physical act. It’s feeling wanted, cared for, attractive and that the person you’re with values your needs and happiness.

I can’t advise you, none of us can, but think about 10 years time, when the kids are grown up, where do you want your life to be?

MichelleScarn · 09/07/2023 11:24

Will you move out or expect him to? Is it thar there is NEVER sex and intimacy or just not as much as you'd like? How long has it been?

Iolani · 09/07/2023 11:26

If you are in a marriage with someone who is asexual and you are not then maybe it’s time to move on.
A friend was in what everyone thought was a wonderful marriage then suddenly she started divorce proceedings. Over a few glasses of wine she mentioned he doesn’t do sex. 10 years and nothing.
They divorced, she found a new partner, married and is very happy now.
Don't become a shadow of yourself over this.

Sugargliderwombat · 09/07/2023 11:26

It's not the sex. He doesn't care, there's no intimacy or compassion. You sound very lonely.

creasedclothes · 09/07/2023 11:26

DisquietintheRanks · 09/07/2023 10:12

I think happy mum = happy kids is over-simplistic bollocks tbh. But I also think that sexual compatibility is too big and too important a piece of a relationship to ignore.

There's a problem, he doesn't want to address it. You aren't happy with celibacy (don't blame you). Only way forward is out.

I agree

Theunamedcat · 09/07/2023 11:29

My friends parents had an open relationship when they became sexually incompatible

Greeneyedmonster · 09/07/2023 11:29

Somanycats · 09/07/2023 10:45

You can leave for whatever reason. BUT I do not think it is healthy at all that you have lost all sense of self worth because one particular man doesn't want to have sex with you. Any number of men don't want to have sex with me and I don't care. I also don't equate sex with love in the slightest. There is just no link. The fact he doesn't want to have sex with you doesn't mean he loves you less. Loads of people probably would have sex with you and not love you at all. We have to be complete people in ourselves. Your self-esteem can't depend on someone else's behaviour.

I think this post is 100% right.

Theos · 09/07/2023 11:30

Orchidgal · 09/07/2023 10:35

I realise everybody is different, but I have to say I find it quite extraordinary that lack of sex is having such a huge impact on you- your post implies that you have been verging on suicidal. It seems rather extreme. Is it really just about the sex?
Would it be worth talking to a sex therapist? Or just any therapist?

This

Smoothiecarton · 09/07/2023 11:30

@Luckydip1 i don’t think I normally it’s the other way round and this makes women feel like shit when people say it. Women have been less likely to talk about it in the past, because of the way we’re conditioned.

PaulRevere · 09/07/2023 11:31

I ended my long marriage for similar reasons. To the PP who thought it was a bit of an overreaction - no, it is utterly soul destroying to not be hugged, kissed, touched by the person who supposedly loves you the most. I cried myself to sleep so many times, felt ashamed of both wanting sex and of clearly not being attractive to him (whatever he said), felt too embarrassed to talk to my friends about it (have since) - I was dying inside. My kids are older now and I finally feel like I can be myself again. And I’m having a great sex life with someone who worships the ground I walk on as well as my body!

ButterflyOil · 09/07/2023 11:31

chohiad · 09/07/2023 10:46

It's not about sex though is it? It's intimacy, respect, generally being on the same page. These are important foundations in a relationship, it's bigger than just the mechanics of the act itself. If you choose to end the relationship, it will not just be about sex, you don't need to try and trivialise it to punish yourself, your feelings of unhappiness are perfectly valid.

Quite. Not to mention the sheer frustration of being with someone who is insanely jealous and yet doesn’t want to actually connect in any intimate way.

OP it isn’t just sex, don’t listen to people who make out like it is. You’ve done what you can by trying to communicate and being supportive for him to seek help and he’s not interested. Instead he expects you to sacrifice your happiness so he can continue in a comfortable platonic relationship. That’s not healthy.

ArthurPoppy · 09/07/2023 11:31

find a couples sex therapist

Blueblell · 09/07/2023 11:31

Does he have erectile dysfunction and doesn’t want to deal with it?

MissConductUS · 09/07/2023 11:32

How old is he? My DH experienced low testosterone in his mid 40s, and that's pretty common. See if you can get him to talk to the doctor about it. It's a simple blood test to find out.

My DH was right as rain two days after he started testosterone replacement therapy. He received a testosterone gel that he rubbed a small amount onto his upper arm once a day, so no injections.