To destroy my family for sex?

[Daebak]

Obviously slightly hyperbolic title, but also honestly how I feel sometimes.

I know there has already been quite a few threads on this sort of thing before (I believe I have searched and read every one) so I will summarise the important bits.

Yes, I have tried to talk to him about it. This usually ends in one of two outcomes. He refuses to talk about it at all, or he starts promising to try more.

I swing between feeling like a sex pest for even mentioning how unhappy I am and feeling angry at DH seemingly just not caring about the pain he is causing me.

It would make it easier if he was honest. I’ve begged him for the brutal truth so I can try to fix whatever it is. He says he is still attracted to me, that there is no problem and I’m making a fuss about nothing, that he wants me…but nothing ever changes and there is clearly a huge problem.

It’s hard to describe the deep soul crushing despair that the man I love just isn’t interested in me ‘that way’ at all.

He does have a medical issue, but he is seeking no help for it. I’ve even made him appointments when he has expressed a wish to get help that he just doesn’t bother showing up to.

It is also more than just the sex. There is no physical intimacy at all. And the effect it has had on me feels catastrophic. I used to be quite confident and happy, bubbly even. Now I feel so unattractive, like a Quasimodo figure lurching around the house.

We have two children, upper primary ages. The thought of me turning their word upside down ‘just’ because I’m not having sex is ridiculous and selfish isn’t it? Apart from this issue DH and I are like best friends, the dc and DH are very happy. That’s what I keep telling myself.

But I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m a shell of my former self. I feel anxious, depressed and at one very low point had very dark thoughts. It sounds ridiculous and shallow of me that this has had such an effect, but it really has.

Has anyone stayed/left in this situation? Many of the threads I’ve read don’t really cover whether it was worth it to leave an otherwise happy marriage for sex.

Thank you for your replies, I know it’s trite to say I’m tearing up but I am. I was honestly expecting to be called selfish. Not that I needed ‘permission’ to leave but I really thought I’d be judged (I probably will be by family).

DH has suggested I’m a ‘nymphomaniac’ before.

Unfortunately therapy and ultimatums are things I’ve tried to use previously but he refuses therapy, or says he will go and then changes his mind at the last minute. And the ultimatum just made me feel worse (and I backed down anyway) because I didn’t want to force him to have sex with me. It felt so wrong.

The posts from those who found happiness again, thank you, that has given me some hope. DH would be extremely resistant to us splitting up, so it will be very difficult. But I hope it will settle down eventually.

There's a problem, he doesn't want to address it. You aren't happy with celibacy (don't blame you). Only way forward is out.
This. It would be one thing if he was willing to address the problem, was going to the gp appointments, was showing intimacy in other ways it would show the desire to change, the desire to make you happy was there. But it’s not.

Can I just ask, are you guys not being intimate at all or is it just a very week sex life and only having sex once a month or something?
If your still having sex but not regularly maybe you could spice things up abit. Talk to your other half about his sexual desires and interests and maybe work on adding some extras to the bedroom. A weekend away to explore and enjoy yourselves.
Have you tried sex toys to spice things up.

If your communication in the relationship is still strong and you are emotionally supportive of eachother then you can overcome this. If everything else is not working either and sex has stopped I would then question your ability to move forward.

You mentioned he has a medical condition, is this causing him to have reduced sex drive or unable to perform. If this is the case then maybe don't take it personally. He may be very attracted to you but just mentally and physically unable to perform. This can have an impact on him also, he may be feeling the added pressure of not being able to satisfy you.
I strongly suggest a love egg. You insert it and he can control this. Even if he is unable to perform he is playing a small part in your orgasm and may help build the connection you are seeking.

If you could feel sexually desired elsewhere would you want to stay with your dh? Perhaps an open relationship is something to consider.

I think his insults make this worse. Not sure this is fixable.

I realise everybody is different, but I have to say I find it quite extraordinary that lack of sex is having such a huge impact on you- your post implies that you have been verging on suicidal. It seems rather extreme. Is it really just about the sex?
Would it be worth talking to a sex therapist? Or just any therapist?

He will never ever change. At best you might see a short improvement but he will revert to type.

Sorry, crosspost, can see you’ve tried therapy.

Withholding intimacy is a form of emotional evasion.

I love my husband, but he uses emotional evasion (not sex but it can take many forms) and I don't want to live that way.

I have told him that unless he stops being so defensive and lets me express how his behaviour makes me feel, then he will kill our relationship.

He has shut me down for years by feeling 'attacked' if I express any needs and physically absconding via an out of control hobby.

The issue isn't sex. The issue is he is avoiding committing to your relationship.

Tell him he either listens and talks with you or you're done.

Don't let him shut you down.

It’s been no intimacy at all for quite some time.

I did try to ‘spice things up once’ by buying some items and it was an utter disaster. DH got very angry and ‘emasculated’ (his words) that I bought a toy.

An open relationship would never be a possibility. DH ironically is actually insanely jealous of other men showing any interest in me.

And I don’t think I could cheat, though I understand others can make that work to stay in the marriage.

I suspect it might make me feel much worse and I want to be able to hold my head high if I do leave DH.

I didn't leave for the same reason but I think the 'happy mum= happy kids' is also oversimplified bollocks. I am happier yes.

Your problem will be how to proceed afterwards. It doesn't sound like you want a shag, it sounds like you want a romantic, intimate relationship. That's hard to do with two children as a single mum. I literally have one day and one evening per week child free and they don't stay overnight due to my ex's living situation.
I wouldn't be able to move on even if I wanted to. I wouldn't feel completely moving a random man in and I'm pretty sure no man would agree to a one day, one evening relationship.
So I would definitely reconsider the relationship, but don't imagine that everything will be plain sailing after that. My son just came to me to say that he wants a photo of his dad by his bed so he can say goodnight and good morning to him. That shit hurts. I know deep down I did the right thing but prepare yourself for some complex feelings.

It's not about sex. Look at how this relationship is making you feel about yourself. You leave not for sex, but for your sanity and self love. You deserve happiness.

If your DH is truly your best friend then he will happily continue to be so as you separate, jointly raise your children and you find someone else who actually loves and desires you.

I would be happy for my best friend to find love after an unhappy & affectionless relationship; wouldn't you?

My ex had an affair and left me because of the lack of sexual intimacy in our marriage on my part.

It destroyed our children’s loves and the ex has never got over it. He quite simply didn’t want to be that man. Except he was.

It took me some time to work it out. Because I loved him and was devastated. But basically, he was do as I say and not as I do. He was rude about his clients at work. Referring to people as ‘just (insert expletive unpleasantry)’ but it was those clients who were putting food on our table (he was self employed). He pretended he had qualifications he didn’t actually have (unregulated industry) because he never finished anything. He was just way less of a person than he claimed to be, if that makes sense, and I had no desire to be intimate with such a person. He looked like the person I had fallen in love with but his actions spoke otherwise. I had pulled away from him because I didn’t want to be with him - but it was that part that I was struggling with and was unable to make that final move. So he did it.

It never had to happen and we were both very much to blame. The key, OP, is getting to the root of the problem. It is unlikely just that he doesn’t want sex. More likely that for some reason, you’re pissing him off in some way and he can’t bring himself to do it. He just probably has no idea why he feels like he does. Professional therapy that you both commit to is probably the only way of getting to the bottom of the issue and sorting it out. Preferable to family break up. And very much worth trying.

I guess I wouldn’t have believed it either before it happened to me. It sounds like such a little thing to get upset over I guess.

But it really has had that affect on me, it is deeply painful. It felt like a little part of me died every time I was repeatedly rejected or waiting every night hopefully for any affection at all, even just a cuddle, only for him to ignore me and turn to face the other way.

I could have written this.

I left. Best thing I ever did.

This.

Why would you destroy your family by regaining a confident, happy, fulfilled version of yourself?
you only get one life!

You can leave for whatever reason. BUT I do not think it is healthy at all that you have lost all sense of self worth because one particular man doesn't want to have sex with you. Any number of men don't want to have sex with me and I don't care. I also don't equate sex with love in the slightest. There is just no link. The fact he doesn't want to have sex with you doesn't mean he loves you less. Loads of people probably would have sex with you and not love you at all. We have to be complete people in ourselves. Your self-esteem can't depend on someone else's behaviour.

The problem is that he's not affectionate with you at all - that is heart-breaking. Also terrible is the fact he called you a nymphomaniac for wanting to have affection and sex with him. It's very difficult if your children are happy, but you matter too.

I don't think there's any coming back from this, tbh. I do think it's something your children will understand when they're older - and of course they will model their relationships on yours, which isn't good now. I couldn't forgive him for name-calling and I wouldn't have any faith in him if he said he'd try to fix it. He might even have sex with you again, but affection is such a huge part of a marriage and you can't force that.

Seek professional help...for yourself and together.
You do have a lot to lose.

Bacon, this is so astute:

'He looked like the person I had fallen in love with but his actions spoke otherwise.'

I have found myself occasionally quite attracted to others because of being nostalgic for particular qualities that remind me very much of the man I fell for. Those 'flashes' have waned, fortunately, but has happened enough to see a pattern, and the realisation that I don't see these traits any more.

I'm in a similar situation and stayed in a relationship where, at best, we speak to each other about the weather. I've become reacquainted with an ex boyfriend from many years ago and we bumped into each other at a public event.He hugged me when we met and I realised this was the first time i'd been hugged by an adult in over a decade.

Realistically how much sex us there going to be when you have split up and you are stuck in a smaller home with two kids and no money to go out and meet people?
Yes I’m sure there will be plenty of men up for a quick shag, but do you really want that sort of soulless sex?
Yes you might meet a wonderful man who wants a relationship with you and your children but there are not that many of them around. DD and her friends (late 20’s, early 30’s) are all single, no kids, decent jobs, attractive young women and they struggle to find any man who wants a relationship.
Sorry to be so negative but think very carefully about what you want and try and sort things with your husband first.

It's not about sex though is it? It's intimacy, respect, generally being on the same page. These are important foundations in a relationship, it's bigger than just the mechanics of the act itself. If you choose to end the relationship, it will not just be about sex, you don't need to try and trivialise it to punish yourself, your feelings of unhappiness are perfectly valid.