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Original poster

To destroy my family for sex?

379 replies

Daebak · 09/07/2023 10:06

Obviously slightly hyperbolic title, but also honestly how I feel sometimes.

I know there has already been quite a few threads on this sort of thing before (I believe I have searched and read every one) so I will summarise the important bits.

Yes, I have tried to talk to him about it. This usually ends in one of two outcomes. He refuses to talk about it at all, or he starts promising to try more.

I swing between feeling like a sex pest for even mentioning how unhappy I am and feeling angry at DH seemingly just not caring about the pain he is causing me.

It would make it easier if he was honest. I’ve begged him for the brutal truth so I can try to fix whatever it is. He says he is still attracted to me, that there is no problem and I’m making a fuss about nothing, that he wants me…but nothing ever changes and there is clearly a huge problem.

It’s hard to describe the deep soul crushing despair that the man I love just isn’t interested in me ‘that way’ at all.

He does have a medical issue, but he is seeking no help for it. I’ve even made him appointments when he has expressed a wish to get help that he just doesn’t bother showing up to.

It is also more than just the sex. There is no physical intimacy at all. And the effect it has had on me feels catastrophic. I used to be quite confident and happy, bubbly even. Now I feel so unattractive, like a Quasimodo figure lurching around the house.

We have two children, upper primary ages. The thought of me turning their word upside down ‘just’ because I’m not having sex is ridiculous and selfish isn’t it? Apart from this issue DH and I are like best friends, the dc and DH are very happy. That’s what I keep telling myself.

But I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m a shell of my former self. I feel anxious, depressed and at one very low point had very dark thoughts. It sounds ridiculous and shallow of me that this has had such an effect, but it really has.

Has anyone stayed/left in this situation? Many of the threads I’ve read don’t really cover whether it was worth it to leave an otherwise happy marriage for sex.

OP posts:
adviceneeded1990 · 09/07/2023 10:48

How old are you? With upper primary kids I’m guessing not even 50? There’s a lot of life left to feel like this if you don’t act on it.

Grumpigal · 09/07/2023 10:50

You wouldn’t be leaving just for “sex”, you’d be leaving because your husband either cannot or will not address an issue that has affected you the extent you have questioned your body, your character and even your life.

Not only has he removed any sense of intimacy from your without your consent or consultation, he has the brazenness to gaslight you about it. “I do still fancy you, there’s nothing wrong” etc.

The relationship is over, even if you can recover intimacy, will you ever fully love and respect him again when he has so casually and brutally destroyed you?

baconcrisp · 09/07/2023 10:50

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 09/07/2023 10:53

Somanycats · 09/07/2023 10:45

You can leave for whatever reason. BUT I do not think it is healthy at all that you have lost all sense of self worth because one particular man doesn't want to have sex with you. Any number of men don't want to have sex with me and I don't care. I also don't equate sex with love in the slightest. There is just no link. The fact he doesn't want to have sex with you doesn't mean he loves you less. Loads of people probably would have sex with you and not love you at all. We have to be complete people in ourselves. Your self-esteem can't depend on someone else's behaviour.

This post is utterly fucking ridiculous.

This is the only man she's able to have sex with. Sex is a hugely important part of most people's lives, and being rejected over and over again can be devastating, no matter how good your self esteem starts out.

At the moment, it's not like she can go, Oh, this blokes not interested, I'll look elsewhere. If she were single, she could.

PragmaticWench · 09/07/2023 10:55

Orchidgal · 09/07/2023 10:35

I realise everybody is different, but I have to say I find it quite extraordinary that lack of sex is having such a huge impact on you- your post implies that you have been verging on suicidal. It seems rather extreme. Is it really just about the sex?
Would it be worth talking to a sex therapist? Or just any therapist?

You make this sound very simplistic but OP has been clear it's a lack of emotional intimacy, not just a lack of sex. It would be fine to leave if it was just sex, but the lack of emotional intimacy in a relationship and lack of communication about your relationship is crippling.

happyfoot · 09/07/2023 10:55

The problem is, people view sex as merely a physical transaction between two people (and it can be in some situations) but in a committed relationship its so much more than that. Its not just about the physical mechanics of it, its also about intimacy, feeling close to someone, expressed affection and being loving towards one another. I suspect you wouldnt feel this bereft if you even got non sexual physical affection but you dont even get that either!

Therefore, it comes down to- whats the point of a relationship if you get no sex, no intimacy, no physical affection, no loving words etc To me, that sounds more like a friendship or house mates sharing a space than an actual relationship and you are not unreasonable to feel upset by that because thats not what you signed up for when you got married/got together. He has effectively changed the goal posts of your relationship without discussing it with you first and then just expects you to be fine with it and carry on as normal. Its not ok.

I think you are feeling guilty about this because you are viewing it as "just sex" but as I said, its not just sex is it? Even in marriages where one party is medically unable to have sex its still possible to have lots of physical touch, intimacy and closeness but you arent getting that either and he refuses to do anything about it.

I think you need to talk to him and tell him that you cannot go on like this as its now starting to affect your mental health. If he still decides to not do anything about it and still wont even physically show you affection then you have your answer and I would leave. That way, he has had every opportunity to express his feelings to and take action. If he wont, then that speaks volumes about how much he truly cares about you.

Summerfun54321 · 09/07/2023 10:56

Sapphire387 · 09/07/2023 10:22

It's not just about sex though. It's about the fact that he doesn't care at all that it's upsetting you.

This 100%. There is an issue in your marriage that is deeply effecting you and he is unwilling to make changes to accommodate. The fact that it's sex isn't hugely relevant. It could be anything and it's rooted in a lack of respect for your feelings.

Temm · 09/07/2023 10:57

It is soul destroying. Firstly, there is the pain of the on-going rejection, and secondly, he's putting 2 fingers up to you by not trying to resolve it. I'd get out. I did. My story sounds very similar to yours, I tried everything to make it work. Ultimately, I found he had a porn thing going on and that was the push I needed to leave him. 3 years on and I've still not had sex as yet! But I feel so much happier not being in that soul crushing relationship any more.

Someboysaretryintoohard · 09/07/2023 10:59

We're on the same boat op. It is absolutely soul destroying. It's so hard wanting someone who doesn't feel the same.

Our dc are younger and I just can't do it to them. I just daydream about having someone who makes me feel loved. I've accepted it's not him so I'm trying to find other ways to fill the void.

Makes me feel so sad though knowing it could be another 15 years before having sex again. Even writing that makes me feel dirty, like it's something I shouldn't want. Ugh.

Jibo · 09/07/2023 11:01

Comedycook · 09/07/2023 10:20

Have an affair. Worst that happens is he finds out and leaves you...which is what you're contemplating anyway.

This.

BeeDavis · 09/07/2023 11:01

The replies on this are so different to threads where the OP is moaning about her husband wanting sex but she doesn’t. Very very different. It’s interesting.

sandyhappypeople · 09/07/2023 11:02

If you're extremely compatible in every other way, would he accept if you visited a sex club of some sort once a week or so?

As far intimacy goes, it could be that he doesn't want to engage as he fears you may press for more, and he obviously doesn't want to have full sex for whatever reason, if he KNOWS it's not going to lead to anything more do you think that could improve?

He needs to meet you halfway with this somehow, otherwise you'll be left with little choice but to things because you're just not compatible. It's awful not to feel wanted, you're not selfish for feeling that way.

Tinkerbyebye · 09/07/2023 11:03

It’s not just about sex though is it! There’s no comfort from him at all. You have told him how you feel he promises to change and he doesn’t, he fails to attend appointments you make, implying he is actually not interested in doing anything to help

my guess is at the moment it’s comfortable for him to promise and do nothing, and leave you unhappy, he doesn’t care about your feelings

so ducks ina row and leave

Jk987 · 09/07/2023 11:05

It's the lack of hugs and a holding hands that would be a dealbreaker almost more than sex. This is no way to live OP. There must be an underlying problem that your husband isn't willing to admit.

EsmeSusanOgg · 09/07/2023 11:06

Sex is one part of intimacy. OP isn't getting any physical intimacy, not just sex. That is an issue. In relationships we go through periods of higher and lower sex drives. That is normal. But not cuddles, hugs, kisses? That can be really demoralising for the partner who wants those things.

EsmeSusanOgg · 09/07/2023 11:07

Jk987 · 09/07/2023 11:05

It's the lack of hugs and a holding hands that would be a dealbreaker almost more than sex. This is no way to live OP. There must be an underlying problem that your husband isn't willing to admit.

This! Having mismatched libidos is one thing. But no other intimacy sounds like there is a deeper issues.

WildfirePonie · 09/07/2023 11:08

Leave. My ex partner was the same. We went for over two years without any sex or intimacy. I didn't have kids back then but i'd still have left. It's too depressing otherwise and soul destroying.

sunshinestar1986 · 09/07/2023 11:09

What the point of being in a relationship then?
Are you supposed to just raise kids together

DamaskRosie · 09/07/2023 11:10

My heart goes out to you, OP. What you've described in this thread is a far more profound rejection than "just sex"- it's a complete lack of intimacy and disregard for your feelings. Your description of yourself feeling "like a Quasimodo figure lurching around the house" was at once disturbing and heartbreaking and totally understandable- there's been a lack of intimate connection- or more, a denial of the need for intimate connection- that has made you feel completely denatured and humiliated.

The way you talk about what's happened to your relationship makes it sound as if you've internalised what your husband has said- that the problem is just sex and that in finding it a problem you're some sort of sex maniac, so the locus of the problem is therefore you and not him (it's a sort of gaslighting). This is entirely false. I imagine that, in a situation where your husband could not have piv sex but acknowledged the effect of this on you and made efforts to maintain sexual, physical and emotional intimacy in other ways, you'd feel very different. So it's not lack of sex that's the issue- it's the denial of your basic need for intimacy and understanding.

I'd strongly recommend that you try to recast the situation in your head in this light, with the help of a counsellor if that's an option, with a view to leaving.

BathroomOnTheRight · 09/07/2023 11:11

You have a right to be happy. A happy mother is a good mother. It's not like you haven't tried. You have. You've told him repeatedly how you feel, asked for therapy, you have TRIED HARD to keep your marriage. You put the effort in. He didn't. You tried, he didn't. He killed the marriage. This is not your fault. A marriage takes two. No marriage can survive if only one is putting in the effort.

I would give him one last ultimatum. Tell him you want something to change by say, 6 months. Your choice of timeframe. Say if it doesn't, you'll file for divorce. Tell him you are very serious, this time it's for keeps, and say you've even started speaking to a divorce solicitor. Make him understand, so he has plenty of warning, that this time is the last chance he has, and that you will 100% file for divorce if no change by x date. And if he agrees to therapy with you, he MUST turn up because if he doesn't, you will file that very day. He needs to know this, is it.

AdamRyan · 09/07/2023 11:11

Your later messages make it sound like sex is just one of the ways he is controlling the marriage and its bordering on abuse imo

  1. he won't try to have sex even though he knows it's important to you
  2. he won't go to therapy or the doctors to improve the situation
  3. he called you names and insults you for wanting sex with him
  4. he doesn't want you using toys for your pleasure
  5. he will be angry and blame you if you leave

It sounds like he's withholding sex rather than doesn't want it.

I think you should get counselling yourself to understand why you would see it as you destroying the marriage if you leave. From where I am, he's the person who is destroying it by removing any option for you to address something that's making you miserable.

Esmejane81 · 09/07/2023 11:11

OP what you are clearly saying is there is a problem in the marriage you would like to work to fix but your husband doesn’t. That’s not unreasonable at all on your part.

If he is invested in you and your family then he should want to resolve whatever issues come up and work together to overcome them.

You are entitled to want and need physical intimacy as well as everything else, otherwise you will just be housemates.

It may be worth being really clear with him that you’ve reached the point of feeling like this has damaged the relationship beyond repair unless he is willing to meet you halfway and address it.

You are definitely not a nymphomaniac at all, he’s just deflecting by saying that.

LaMaG · 09/07/2023 11:12

Sorry OP, that sounds tough. My first read if I'm really honest would be that it wouldn't be worth uprooting a family for. You will be accountable to your kids for this. If the thread said DH is going to leave me unless i have sex but i dont want to, there would be very different responses, and i do worry that you will end up being the bad guy.

if you were to leave there is a chance as a single mum there may be little sex or none on the table and you may feel very used and abused by men who want a quick shag and don't care about you. If you feel DH cares about you and kids then it comes down to whether that is worth the trade.

That said I think as PPs suggest the issues are a little deeper. His jealousy for example or nasty words to you don't paint a good picture of your relationship in general.

Batalax · 09/07/2023 11:12

It’s a shame that your self esteem is so linked to this, but you are not wrong in wanting to be happy, and if leaving him is what it takes, then that is what you must do.

Voyager54 · 09/07/2023 11:13

I think that you are being brutally frank about your situation. Also reading between the lines it may well be the cause of very many marriage break ups and both parties decline to say for obvious reasons.

If he will not talk about this and get help then I think its over however difficult this may be.