To destroy my family for sex?

[Daebak]

Obviously slightly hyperbolic title, but also honestly how I feel sometimes.

I know there has already been quite a few threads on this sort of thing before (I believe I have searched and read every one) so I will summarise the important bits.

Yes, I have tried to talk to him about it. This usually ends in one of two outcomes. He refuses to talk about it at all, or he starts promising to try more.

I swing between feeling like a sex pest for even mentioning how unhappy I am and feeling angry at DH seemingly just not caring about the pain he is causing me.

It would make it easier if he was honest. I’ve begged him for the brutal truth so I can try to fix whatever it is. He says he is still attracted to me, that there is no problem and I’m making a fuss about nothing, that he wants me…but nothing ever changes and there is clearly a huge problem.

It’s hard to describe the deep soul crushing despair that the man I love just isn’t interested in me ‘that way’ at all.

He does have a medical issue, but he is seeking no help for it. I’ve even made him appointments when he has expressed a wish to get help that he just doesn’t bother showing up to.

It is also more than just the sex. There is no physical intimacy at all. And the effect it has had on me feels catastrophic. I used to be quite confident and happy, bubbly even. Now I feel so unattractive, like a Quasimodo figure lurching around the house.

We have two children, upper primary ages. The thought of me turning their word upside down ‘just’ because I’m not having sex is ridiculous and selfish isn’t it? Apart from this issue DH and I are like best friends, the dc and DH are very happy. That’s what I keep telling myself.

But I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m a shell of my former self. I feel anxious, depressed and at one very low point had very dark thoughts. It sounds ridiculous and shallow of me that this has had such an effect, but it really has.

Has anyone stayed/left in this situation? Many of the threads I’ve read don’t really cover whether it was worth it to leave an otherwise happy marriage for sex.

Apart from this issue DH and I are like best friends, the dc and DH are very happy. That’s what I keep telling myself.

Your life and your happiness have equal value.

So sorry that it's come to this dilemma. Totally get that you are quaking in consideration of breaking up your DC's lives, and for something that you can't tell anyone about.

Does your DH know that you are at this point? Maybe he should.

It's very selfish of him not to seek medical help if that is part of the problem. What would it take for him to do so?

Good luck @Daebak

You're aren't showing your family what a good relationship is, that kissing, hugging, non intimate touching in front of them is normal. It will fuck up their relationships and you deserve to be happy and have someone want you.

I also agree about the ''Happy mum = happy kids being bollox.

Divorce really can affect children badly, no matter how 'Carefully' it is done.
They are the real 'Losers' when it comes to divorce very often.

However...a Sexless marriage is miserable if you want an exciting sex life- and deeply lonely and frustrating.

Tricky one.

No easy solutions.

I think on a fundamental level he isn't sexually interested for whatever reason -

Does he watch porn?

If so, he clearly is interested, but not with OP..My Ex didn't;t have a large sex drive and could be emotionally remote- his third wife says the same thing!

So they don't seem to change much @Daebak .

I have felt the same op, right down to the hopefulness that is then totally destroyed by multiple rejections - not just about sex but about even sitting together, when he would find an excuse to storm off. I came to think it served a function for him. He did not have to confront any deeper problems within himself while I was there to be rejected over and over in these apparently small but soul destroying ways.

I was also left feeling completely suicidal after years of it. This forced me to realise that something had to change, continuing wasn't an option. So I did distance myself, stopped being available so the rejections couldn't happen. I started a hobby once a week for two hours which he predictably became angry about and repeatedly sabotaged. Of course it started having a huge effect on the children.

I am still here. Trying to figure out a way out that causes the least disruption and distress to everyone. Like you, though I am tempted by an affair, I don't think it would be good for me, I hate the thought and the fallout could be even more destructive.

I think we will end up with some kind of nesting arrangement. We get on OK and the space will mean we can get on better I hope. Very interested to read how others have managed.

Hi OP, I have name changed as this is a delicate subject matter.

I have endured 19 years of a sexless marriage due to dh's impotence. I was 31 then and 50 now. We have twins (their conception was only possible for reasons I won't go into).

Don't be me. Don't think that this will get better, locking your needs and desires away, then wake up to find you're 50, the kids are leaving home and kicking yourself that you didn't leave sooner when you were younger, sad that 20 years have just gone.

I loved sex. I met DH and made concessions because I loved him. He tried various things that did not work, including medication, counselling etc.

I learnt to stop asking for sex, to stop feeling like I was a sex pest. We did other stuff but like you, there was no intimacy.

We are essentially friends/house mates. A long time ago he said he was OK for me to meet my needs elsewhere, but I did not want to do that or break up the family.

So another year passed, then another. Until now when I realised all that time has been wasted and I supressed my needs and wants. I miss sex so much and now I face a crossroads, only it's harder now I'm in my 50s.

Do not minimise how you feel. Be braver than me, or one day you may look back and regret it. It won't improve, you may learn to live with it, but for me, it has been a great loss and I wish I had done something about it all those years ago.

I was wondering this too.

I'm in a very similar situation but my child is younger. I feel completely ridiculous as it consumes so much of my thoughts. I won't be leaving anytime soon as our family life is more important to me at the moment, but I don't know what the future holds.

Can I add that nearly 20 years of rejection, of feeling undesirable has left my self esteem in tatters.

Feeling like I'm abnormal when I just want sex, but because he has never successfuly had sex he does not know why I am so bothered.

As others say, it is lonely and isolating. A complete mind and body fuck, because I have dreams where I'm having sex and orgasming, only to wake up crying.

It is truly miserable, especially as I was single lots in my 20s and enjoyed a healthy sex life.

Thank you all I am still reading, little hectic here as we have extended family over for Sunday dinner.

PP are right when they say it isn’t just that I want a ‘shag’ from any one that’s available and willing. I know that I could go and do that if I really wanted to. No judgements on those that do so or have open relationships, but I don’t think it would work for me.

I want him to look at me how he used to (or even at all) I want to hold hands, kiss, cuddle in bed, to be close and intimate with my husband. And yes, sex, I really want to have sex. But without all the closeness and affection I’m craving it would be meaningless. If we were still intimate at all, even without full on sex all the time, I believe I wouldn’t feel like this.

We do have a bit of an age gap, I’m early thirties and DH is late forties.

To answer a previous question, though I’m not sure what the relevance or inference is, I hadn’t thought that far ahead but I would presume DH would move out.

DH had a house before marriage which he still owns, and (due to unfortunately losing my parents early) this is my family home that I grew up in and also owned before marriage.

A lot of people are urging you to end their marriage.

If this were a court of law, your barrister would quiz them on their own marital status and if, by chance, they had been jilted or were spinsters.

Better advice is to very openly explain to your other half all that you have written here and that you are seriously considering ending the marriage because of what you have explained. You sound very rational and I think honesty is the best policy. If it does come to divorce, then it will end so much better for you (financially) if you take this approach. Please do not let his lawyer ask you if you took advice on MN, you might suffer a financial hit!

Yeah, I've been there. And I want to acknowledge what a lonely, difficult place it is.

You have some options.
First, ask for an open relationship so you can get your needs met elsewhere. For me, this just drove home how lonely I felt at home.

Second, stay and do nothing.

Third, split but live together for the kids

Fourth split completely.

I ended up splitting fully, but honestly I am so damn lonely, I don't have time to date, and I constantly resent that exh doesn't do more with and for his DC. It's so hard. Often I wish I had gone with option 3. I'm sorry you're in this position.

Sorry I posted too soon…

It has been three years since we had sex. There were still occasionally kisses and cuddles up to around a year and a half ago.

No physical intimacy since then. I used to sometimes try to hug him when he got into bed, but quickly stopped when he stiffened up and was clearly uncomfortable even doing that.

However...a Sexless marriage is miserable if you want an exciting sex life- and deeply lonely and frustrating.

@oakleaffy

A sexless marriage, unless agreed, is miserable if you want a loving & fulfilling marriage.

HTH.

And nonsense re divorce & kids. Yes of course it affects kids adversely no matter what. So do many life events, sadly. However, where there is unhappiness & a lack of mutual love & respect in a marriage, the children are also affected. It's a matter of a least-worst option.

There is no friendship where the spouse ignores your needs.

As a child who grew up in a similar family dynamic I can tell you I'd prefer my parents would've divorced. I actually asked my mum to start the divorce process, I was 18 years at the time, and I told her I wouldn't mind if she'd have an affair if that'd make her happy(-ier). She stayed, got cancer - no support from her husband, no intimacy till the end - she died at 52, I was 25. I learned my lesson and I walk away from any relationship that is not fulfilling on all fronts. Life is short, sometimes awfully short. Don't wait for the "change" - it won't happen unless you initiate it. And living like this is not living at all. Better being single and happy - ultimately BOB (battery operated boyfriend :)) can do wonders.

If this were a court of law, your barrister would quiz them on their own marital status and if, by chance, they had been jilted or were spinsters.

I've read stupid comments on MN a lot. This might just be up there though.

What do you mean?

If this were a court of law, your barrister would quiz them on their own marital status and if, by chance, they had been jilted or were spinsters.

Never heard anything so ridiculous or just plain wrong.

Based on what you write, I'm inclined to think it's time for you to think about the bigger picture, and how things are likely to play out over the coming 2 years, 5, 10 and so on. You can see the impact on other posters.

There are so many such posts on MN about mismatched libidos. I'd imagine that most of those situations are not resolved? Wishing you all the best!

Time to follow through on the ultimatums. GP appointments, counselling, couples counselling and/or sex therapy or it’s over.

I would end a relationship due to the lack of affection and general intimacy. No pecks on the cheek, forehead, cuddles, kisses, spooning on the sofa/when going to bed, etc.
I also would not want our DC to think that no affection between couples is normal and what they should expect from a relationship.

He gets jealous when other men show you attention. This is selfish as he’s refusing to give you any physical reassurance and gets upset when others show you a flicker. I can see how this must be soul destroying for you. It also sounds abusive. He should want to be trying everything possible to improve the relationship. If this is a medical issue, he needs to want to fix it for everyone’s sake, including for his children and you, if not for himself.

You’re not compatible. You’re young and this is not fair. You’re not selfish. I personally wouldn’t involve a 3rd party, and it doesn’t appear that this is what you want. This will hurt more people in the long run (inclu. you’re DC) and won’t fix your H’s issues.

I said to DH the other day “I know something’s up if you’re able to walk past me bending down without touching my bottom.” We’ve been together nearly 30 years, last DC is primary school aged and we’re under 50.

@Daebak

Think of yourself as a flowering plant. The leaves are doing all the photosynthesis and the roots are taking up all the nutrients. This is what plants do to survive, from day to day, but bees, butterflies and humans seek them out for their beauty, their uniqueness, for their flowers. We want flowers that are alive. You are somewhere between Spring and early Summer. You should not be contemplating dropping your flowers. You are far too young and Winter is too far away to start closing down.

If you choose to bring your marriage to an end, it will be some time before you date again, if you do. But always put your children first. Never put them second through the divorce, sexual partners, dating and future relationships. If you can ensure they continue to feel loved and you are open and honest as they grow up, you can move on very easily.

Happy Mum happy kids is bullshit your children literally don’t care whether you’re happy or not will stay children. They may change when they’re adults but right here right now they don’t care.

How much sex do you think you’ll be having as a single mum with limited resources unlimited childcare? I can answer that for you not a lot.

I’m not saying, don’t leave him, but time it well.

Jesus OP, this is sad! Not even a cuddle in a year and a half? And he physically recoils from you? He really is sending the message to your that he is repulsed by you and doesn't even want you to touch him, this is heartbreaking, I truly feel for you, you need to get him out asap! I would now not even bother with an ultimatum, as he clearly does not care and if there was any chance he could change, it doesn't sound like he has it in him if he truly recoils from you. He does not deserve you as a housemate, even though that's what he clearly sees you as. The house is yours, so I'd evict him asap. Since the house is yours, you have nothing to lose. Instead you'll gain freedom and possible happiness.

This is what I would focus on too.

You wouldn’t be destroying your family for sex, you’d be ending an unhappy relationship where there’s no intimacy, and no regard for the impact that has on your self confidence. Reframe it. You have one life and you deserve to spend it feeling happy and fulfilled, you’re not a martyr here to pander to your children while you slowly disappear. Plenty of children deal with separated parents and as long as their needs are considered in the new set up it can work absolutely fine. Maybe you look at the nesting model for minimal disruption, or you could suggest and open relationship etc to your H as a middle ground if you want to keep the family ‘intact’.

Either way, wanting to feel cherished and attractive isn’t selfish, it’s part of being human. Plenty of things will change over the years without your input, this is something you can influence.

I used to sometimes try to hug him when he got into bed, but quickly stopped when he stiffened up and was clearly uncomfortable even doing that.

Ohhhhh @Daebak that is so sad. YANBU to be very unhappy with this situation and you need to change it.