To destroy my family for sex?

[Daebak]

Obviously slightly hyperbolic title, but also honestly how I feel sometimes.

I know there has already been quite a few threads on this sort of thing before (I believe I have searched and read every one) so I will summarise the important bits.

Yes, I have tried to talk to him about it. This usually ends in one of two outcomes. He refuses to talk about it at all, or he starts promising to try more.

I swing between feeling like a sex pest for even mentioning how unhappy I am and feeling angry at DH seemingly just not caring about the pain he is causing me.

It would make it easier if he was honest. I’ve begged him for the brutal truth so I can try to fix whatever it is. He says he is still attracted to me, that there is no problem and I’m making a fuss about nothing, that he wants me…but nothing ever changes and there is clearly a huge problem.

It’s hard to describe the deep soul crushing despair that the man I love just isn’t interested in me ‘that way’ at all.

He does have a medical issue, but he is seeking no help for it. I’ve even made him appointments when he has expressed a wish to get help that he just doesn’t bother showing up to.

It is also more than just the sex. There is no physical intimacy at all. And the effect it has had on me feels catastrophic. I used to be quite confident and happy, bubbly even. Now I feel so unattractive, like a Quasimodo figure lurching around the house.

We have two children, upper primary ages. The thought of me turning their word upside down ‘just’ because I’m not having sex is ridiculous and selfish isn’t it? Apart from this issue DH and I are like best friends, the dc and DH are very happy. That’s what I keep telling myself.

But I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m a shell of my former self. I feel anxious, depressed and at one very low point had very dark thoughts. It sounds ridiculous and shallow of me that this has had such an effect, but it really has.

Has anyone stayed/left in this situation? Many of the threads I’ve read don’t really cover whether it was worth it to leave an otherwise happy marriage for sex.

@lonelynfrustrated

surely if everything is in your name that’s a great position to be in?
just tell him that the marriage is over and he needs to leave

I'm sorry to read of your situation, we were similar several years ago but role-reversed. After birth, with PND and lots of other things I became asexual and had no interest in even being touched. We discussed having an open relationship so that he could have sex, and it took a while but I agreed and we started, at which point I thought I would try with other people and something re-ignited in me. My husband and I now have the best sexual relationship that we've had for over a decade. When I was undecided, my husband also said he couldn't cheat. I know of people who have a happy relationship as nesting partners, with romance and companionship, but in their open relationship they have other partners for sex. It does sound hard that he doesn't want to maintain a sexual relationship with you, but doesn't want you to have it with anyone else.

Your OP sounds just like my marriage - spent a good few years not having sex because he wasn’t interested. He let me think it was ED and that he was too embarrassed to see the doctor. I didn’t want to hurt him and break up my family so I accepted it and thought love was enough.

It got to the point where he wouldn’t even hug me anymore. He said he was stressed with work, started a new job and very, very quickly had an affair. He walked out last September and is with her now.

I’m not saying this is the issue with your DH but what I would say is that I put my happiness to one side for a long time to make him happy and in the end I’ve been dumped anyway. If I could go back I would see how much he actually didn’t care about me because he didn’t want to even consider fixing the issue and I could have left him years ago - I could have gone on to have more kids with a new partner but feel too old now and feel like I’ve wasted the last few years.

Your happiness matters and if he isn’t willing to meet you half way you shouldn’t feel bad for saying this isn’t working for you.

That’s a really interesting point early in your comment, about the lack of touch as emotional support. EXDH came to see me after an emergency operation just after I came round and didn’t reach out a hand to me, or ask how I was. I think I gave up on him then.

not just about the sex, then-but obviously no chance of a sexual relationship with such brutal coldness.