To destroy my family for sex?

[Daebak]

Obviously slightly hyperbolic title, but also honestly how I feel sometimes.

I know there has already been quite a few threads on this sort of thing before (I believe I have searched and read every one) so I will summarise the important bits.

Yes, I have tried to talk to him about it. This usually ends in one of two outcomes. He refuses to talk about it at all, or he starts promising to try more.

I swing between feeling like a sex pest for even mentioning how unhappy I am and feeling angry at DH seemingly just not caring about the pain he is causing me.

It would make it easier if he was honest. I’ve begged him for the brutal truth so I can try to fix whatever it is. He says he is still attracted to me, that there is no problem and I’m making a fuss about nothing, that he wants me…but nothing ever changes and there is clearly a huge problem.

It’s hard to describe the deep soul crushing despair that the man I love just isn’t interested in me ‘that way’ at all.

He does have a medical issue, but he is seeking no help for it. I’ve even made him appointments when he has expressed a wish to get help that he just doesn’t bother showing up to.

It is also more than just the sex. There is no physical intimacy at all. And the effect it has had on me feels catastrophic. I used to be quite confident and happy, bubbly even. Now I feel so unattractive, like a Quasimodo figure lurching around the house.

We have two children, upper primary ages. The thought of me turning their word upside down ‘just’ because I’m not having sex is ridiculous and selfish isn’t it? Apart from this issue DH and I are like best friends, the dc and DH are very happy. That’s what I keep telling myself.

But I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m a shell of my former self. I feel anxious, depressed and at one very low point had very dark thoughts. It sounds ridiculous and shallow of me that this has had such an effect, but it really has.

Has anyone stayed/left in this situation? Many of the threads I’ve read don’t really cover whether it was worth it to leave an otherwise happy marriage for sex.

I can’t believe how many people are encouraging you to leave your husband. It’s crazy.
you have children you both owe your children to try harder. Try therapy try absolutely everything before you give up
on your marriage.
those poor kids will have their lives torn . I’d never do this to my child.
you say he’s your best friend and the kids adore him. Please don’t make a huge mistake. I find the reason a selfish one indeed.

@Hihellogoodbye I smell misogyny and religion.

I could have written your post nearly 25 years ago. I was early 30s, 6 years married, 2 small children. And no sex after my first daughter apart from to conceive my second. I’d had a difficult birth and felt let down by him which led to a short spell of vaginismus, which led to him having ED and then turning away from me. It went on for years and was devastating. Damaged my mental health. We got it together to conceive again and then back to his old ways. Completely uninterested in me and wouldn’t talk about it or see a doctor. Eventually he did see a complementary therapist but told them his libido was fine. I think that’s when I knew he would never change and I had to choose between keeping the family together or living the life I wanted. I left him but we worked hard to have a good divorce for the sake of the children and that worked well.

I’m 59 now and live with a lovely man. My girls are grown up and I’m still fond of my ex. Now the passion of my 30s has faded I do sometimes wonder if I did the right thing but I believe the lack of intimacy between us was a symptom of a broken relationship which he wasn’t willing to fix.

Good luck OP with whatever path you take. Don’t sacrifice your happiness.

@Hihellogoodbye

op has done all she can

no one should stay in an intimacy free marriage for the sake of their kids

you do know OP’s happiness is of equal value to her kids right?

I'm still living with my husband who also put me through years of rejection like yours. He, too, would either refuse to talk about it or downplay it, or make promises to change things but then put no effort in to do so. He also called me a nymphomaniac sometimes too or asked why I was so obsessed.
He would stay up late most nights, avoid me. Endless excuses. He became more & more distant.

I eventually realised he was still using porn - he'd had a regular habit in the early years of our relationship but it hadn't affected our intimacy then. Now it felt like he was happily replacing me with it. I got him to agree to counselling but he wasn't particularly open or honest in the sessions we went to and refused to go again after the first few.
After this I gave up. Realised it wouldn't improve because he didn't care enough. I never initiated again & what was left of our sex life died completely. We moved to separate rooms right at the start of the first Covid lockdown.

In an attempt to keep things stable for our kids during the pandemic & then cost of living, we've stayed living together. For years I was financially dependent on him so I've been trying to remedy that, taking work where I can and doing training to refresh skills.

It's been a lonely, horrible 3+ years. There's been a lot of resentment & he's been quite emotionally cruel towards me.
We've tried to hide it but kids aren't stupid - I can see it's affected them now & feel huge guilt that my DD is struggling with MH issues.
My self-esteem is in tatters & I've felt depressed & anxious for a long time now.

I'd urge you or anyone else in this situation not to hang on as long as I've done if it looks like your partner isn't willing to address the issue.

I'm still not sure how I'm going to cope financially or what the future holds but as soon as our house sells we will be living separately and I'm so ready to move on.

Maybe he doesn’t want sex as much as you want it. He might fear any intimacy will lead to sexual advances so avoids it.

Hello @Daebak . I left an otherwise happy and stable long term relationship for this reason. 3 young kids at the time. Yes it was worth it but yes it was very hard. Ex was very hurt and it took a long time to build up a good relationship for co-parenting. But I’m now at 5 years later and we have a fab co-parenting and friendly relationship. I’m also now happily married and a different person to who I was. My kids have settled and know we are all still a family no matter what and he’s a great dad. Some people don’t agree with a mum leaving a family (we obviously don’t leave our kids but some people don’t see it like that) but I’m definitely a better mother now that I’m happy, they really do feel it. I hope this helps.

If you're otherwise happy,maybe you need a "friend"

“You both owe your children to try harder” is correct……….. BUT the problem is that her husband refuse to try anything, refuses to address the problem, refuses to see a GP or a counsellor, refuses to talk to OP about it, calls her a horrible name and gaslights her about it. The OP has explained that she has repeatedly tried harder but her husband has not at all. What are you meant to do when the other person is doing absolutely nothing? How long do you stay in a miserable relationship continuing to try harder…… when the other person refuses to.

I can’t believe how many people are encouraging you to leave your husband. It’s crazy
you have children you both owe your children to try harder. Try therapy try absolutely everything before you give up
on your marriage
those poor kids will have their lives torn . I’d never do this to my child.
you say he’s your best friend and the kids adore him. Please don’t make a huge mistake. I find the reason a selfish one indeed

Then why isnt HE trying harder? why isnt HE seeking help, why is HE calling the OP names and telling her there is something wrong with her (nymphomaniac)

Its all very well bashing the OP but I dont see him trying to work with her to fix this. Even if he doesnt want sex, why doesnt he hug her, hold her hand, kiss her, support her? The only one trying here is the OP, not her husband.

Have you even bothered to read ALL of the OP's posts, @Hihellogoodbye , and not just the first one? No sex in 3 years, not cuddles for over a year and a half. He PHYSICALLY RECOILS when she even touches him. He won't let her touch him at all even on the shoulder. He WON'T go to therapy. He WON'T do anything about it, she has BEGGED him for therapy.

FFS, READ ALL OF THE POSTS, before replying. Jesus.

😑😑😑😑😑

Did you read OP's posts at all?!

I can't help but feel that the best thing you can do is go and talk to a professional yourself. Surely the problem is as much about what you want as it is about what your husband doesn't want.

Op has tried everything, as I did, as did lots of other posters on here. By the sounds of it he is never going to change. How would you like it? I've been there. The constant looks of hatred, the flinching everytime you touch, even accidentally. The constant rejection, making you feel like dog c*. Op really needs to leave. The kids will see how much happier Op is and be absolutely fine. Life is too short to live with that constant rejection and feelings of insecurity.

Sorry OP this is very sad for you. Of course sex is important otherwise you may as well marry your friend or sibling. It’s part of a marriage, a very important one. Your husband not wanting to address it when he knows how important it is for you is not even how a friend should treat you, since you say you’re like best friends. A best friend would want to help and fix things. Good luck.

@GingerNutMe

no it’s not. Op just wants some intimacy and some sex with her husband. That is completely normal.

If that's how you feel, who are we to dismiss your feelings? I feel sure you've thought through those feeings many times and come to the same conclusion.
Sex isn't necessarily love, I think love goes deeper than that but the need for closeness and some form of intimacy is a valid need in order to feel womanly, attractive and valued. It's an affirmation of a couple's togetherness.
Would your husband be amenable to you having a sexual partner outside your marriage, say once a week? He can't rightly do nothing, not turn up for appointments and expect you to be happy about it
Time for serious discussion and a proper outcome.
Best wishes ...💐

Been here. Done that.
I sometimes wonder if children have separate happy parent are better than together not happy parents.

If the opportunity arises so to speak elsewhere take it.

I totally understand how you feel. Me and my (now ex) husband didn’t have any infancy for 3 years…. Even when I got off to my mum on the phone saying she was in hospital with a suspected heart attack he didn’t hug me!…. I took it very personally and feeling unloved is soul destroying. I ended up comfort eating and loosing motivation, feeling fat and ugly….. it’s awful!
He decided to leave, and honestly I’m so relieved to be single… I don’t want another man, I’m happy being a single mum of 1…
It isn’t and wasn’t about the lack of sex for me, I couldn’t care less about that, but it was the way it made me feel as a woman and as a wife… it is soul destroying to feel undesired.
mum now happier, not needing to ‘feed myself’ to comfort myself… I’ve started swimming again and slowly rebuilding my fitness…. I’ve lost a stone in 10 weeks which was impossible before no matter what I tried.
Good luck @Daebak with whatever you decide…. Maybe you could suggest marriage counselling or maybe you just need to prioritise yourself and get yourself socialising with friends or work colleagues do that you can feel like an individual again and not just wife and mother

There is nothing wrong with the way that you are feeling… it’s clearly not just about sex it’s about affection/attention. It’s totally normal to crave them things!
I can relate to where you are coming from and honestly I am so moody and stressed when I have had no ‘attention’ for a while. But the lack of cuddles or anything is even more depressing.
it sounds like you are quite different to each other with your needs.

if you are like best friends then hopefully if you do decide to split then you can continue to have the friendship for your children.
But honestly if you’re not happy in yourself then it’s better for you to walk away if he is not willing to cater for your needs to. Even if there is a issue sexually there is other ways in which he could make you feel more secure.
I hear love honey have some sales on 👀😂😘

I left my husband of 10 years for precisely this reason. No medical issues but everything else the same. Years of begging and trying to change anything was useless. My two children were both under 10. I felt terrible about leaving but I met a wonderful man very quickly - we are now married, 4 years together, and I am still having the best sex of my life. He makes me feel like I am the most important person in his life, I’ve never felt so loved and cherished, and the luckiest woman alive. And I have blossomed! I share custody 50:50, very civil co-parenting with my ex, who is also happy with a new partner. My children love both homes and step-parents - we’ve all won.

You WILL meet someone who loves you like you should be loved.

I think if this was a man saying that his wife makes him feel unattractive and that she doesn’t want sex , etc, etc everyone on here would be outraged that he thought like that.

i don’t know what the answer is.

My personal feeling is that sex isn’t as important as closeness and feeling loved. And as you get older, that companionship means everything.

But the OP ISNT getting closeness either- thats the whole point! This isnt just about sex, she isnt getting any physical affection or touch or loving words either. He has also called her a "nymphomaniac" just because she would like to have sex with her own husband. Calling your partner names isnt loving, or indicates closeness at all.

If this was a man saying the above about a woman, I would think the exact same thing. Talk to them. If they arent willing to do anything about it, then leave. Gender is irrelevant- if your partner cannot or will not offer you any affection whatsoever then what is the point of a "relationship"?

@Daebak I could have written this post myself. In fact I have, more than once, under different names - most recently 2 years ago but going back a great many years.

I'm still here, due to finances (everything is in my name so I can't simply walk off and spouse doesn't earn enough to take on the house) and because of the kids.

I've told myself for many years I'll leave when the kids start school...when they both get to secondary school...when eldest has done GCSEs....and on and on. But I'm still here.

We haven't had sex for at least 9 years now. He barely touches me unless it's to to swat my ass as i go by, and I've no clue why he does that. He told me 3 years ago he didn't want to talk about this stuff any more (after a few weeks of marriage counselling) and that he never wanted to try and have sex ever again ; he has total ED and found the counsellors suggestions of other ways to maintain intimacy to be 'too upsetting'.

I'm terribly lonely and unhappy. To be unwanted by the one person in the world who should want you just destroys you. I try not to think about it as I get physical pains and tightness in my chest when I do. I just don't have the energy to even leave any more. After all, who the heck would want what I've become?

Don't be me. Be kind to yourself. I wish you all the very best.

How are things now op?