Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is disgraceful behaviour for an adult, right?

267 replies

HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 00:44

DD 25 still living at home (unfortunately).

She insists she can’t afford to move out. Doesn’t want to move in with bf. Lots of issues about her cleaning up after herself, not doing anything around the house generally.

She regularly stays at bfs or other friends overnight. Sometimes not letting me know until I text her to ask if she’s coming home.

She regularly doesn’t answer phone or texts asking if she’s back for dinner.

I’d rather she just bugger off actually so DS can have her room which is only slept in half the week and still looks like a bomb site.

Last night (Friday) she said she was staying at a friends and would be back in the morning. Didn’t show which is not usual. I text her at 6pm asking if she’d be back for dinner, no response. Tried calling her during the evening but her phone goes straight to voicemail. No response to later texts.

She’s a relatively new driver so knows I worry if she doesn’t answer.

AIBU to think if you live with other people you let them what you’re doing so they don’t worry that something might have happened to you no matter how old you are?

OP posts:
Original poster
HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 00:48

Sorry terrible typing:

Last night (Friday) she said she was staying at a friends and would be back in the morning. Didn’t show which is not *unusual. I text her at 6pm asking if she’d be back for dinner, no response. Tried calling her during the evening but her phone goes straight to voicemail. No response to later texts.

AIBU to think if you live with other people you let them *know what you’re doing so they don’t worry that something might have happened to you no matter how old you are?

OP posts:
xyz111 · 09/07/2023 00:50

Say to her you are not making dinner for her unless she specifically tells you she is going to be home. Does she pay you rent?

MammaWeasel · 09/07/2023 00:51

She's 25!! Just ask her to let you know in advance if you're catering for her, otherwise you will assume not. Just send a "checking in" text if you haven't seen her for a couple of days. You sound rather uptight....let her be free.

iminvestednow · 09/07/2023 00:51

Agreed! If I visit my mum there’s no way I would not let her know what my plans were and I’m in my 40’s. If she wants to live an adult life then she has to pay for that and live the life of a grown up!

greenthumb13 · 09/07/2023 00:52

She's still acting like she's 18. You're going to need to be stricter and demand more respect or she needs to move out.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2023 00:52

Time she chooses. Move out or clean up.

The food stuff is weird, just don't cater for her.

iminvestednow · 09/07/2023 00:53

(In case anyone asks my mum has no knowledge of anything I get up to in my own home but if you live with others it’s just polite!)

WonderfulUsername · 09/07/2023 00:54

Just stop making her dinner.

My 31 year old DS has moved back in with us temporarily and because he comes and goes, he buys his own food and cooks it when he's hungry.

How old is your DS? Why not just let him have the room?

Original poster
HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 00:57

I’ve not done dinner for her before and she’s had a hissy fit! Also left dinner when she said she wanted it and it ended up in the bin - whole chicken fillets etc which is why I like to check in as Im doing it now. Hardly onerous to just say yes or no.

Whats weird about that?

OP posts:
LadyLardy · 09/07/2023 00:57

Give her notice. Tell her that her attitude is one of a fairly rude lodger who feels they owe you no information on when or if they will be home and that you are not prepared to tolerate this any longer.

She's a grown up (in her own head apparently). She can find her own place to live and come and go as she likes without needing to let anyone else know.

Saschka · 09/07/2023 01:00

HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 00:57

I’ve not done dinner for her before and she’s had a hissy fit! Also left dinner when she said she wanted it and it ended up in the bin - whole chicken fillets etc which is why I like to check in as Im doing it now. Hardly onerous to just say yes or no.

Whats weird about that?

This is unreasonable of her, and I’d have no patience with her hissy fits. Just stop cooking for her, and tell her she needs to clear it with you if she wants to be included in dinner plans, otherwise she can cook for herself.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2023 01:04

HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 00:57

I’ve not done dinner for her before and she’s had a hissy fit! Also left dinner when she said she wanted it and it ended up in the bin - whole chicken fillets etc which is why I like to check in as Im doing it now. Hardly onerous to just say yes or no.

Whats weird about that?

But it's all coming from your boundaries. Just ignore a hissy fit.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 09/07/2023 01:04

Stop cooking for her and switch the rooms around

A 25 year old shouldn't be having a "hissy fit" about anything

SpinachSpinachMoreSpinach · 09/07/2023 01:08

Stop cooking for her.
Switch rooms so your son has the better room
Don't tolerate hissy fits - FFS!!
Make sure she pays rent.

Jongleterre · 09/07/2023 01:11

You have enabled her poor behaviour by being a complete doormat and letting her wipe her feet all over you and treat your home like a doss house.

You did so because she's your daughter and you wanted to be kinda

No more Mrs Nice Guy! You have got to boot her out or she will never stand on her own two feet.

You are setting yourself up for it happening all over again with your other child who is watching all this happening and they will also have no respect for you and will treat you with the same contempt that your daughter does.

Let her cry and whinge at how unfair it is and tell her well she can try it on with other people if she stays in their home and see how she gets on because no one is going to put up with a silly, immature, selfish and arrogant grown woman if she behaves in their home as she does in yours.

Stand strong. It's for her benefit as well as yours.

Throughabushbackwards · 09/07/2023 01:12

HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 00:57

I’ve not done dinner for her before and she’s had a hissy fit! Also left dinner when she said she wanted it and it ended up in the bin - whole chicken fillets etc which is why I like to check in as Im doing it now. Hardly onerous to just say yes or no.

Whats weird about that?

What's weird is that you're indulging this behaviour from a grown adult. Time she moved out.

Gymnopedie · 09/07/2023 01:14

She insists she can’t afford to move out. Doesn’t want to move in with bf. Lots of issues about her cleaning up after herself, not doing anything around the house generally.

And you are equally free to insist that she can't live there any more. It sounds like you've tried to have some (common courtesy) rules and some boundaries but they are ignored. If she wants to live like she's on her own in her own place, then tell her that's what she has to do. Give her a deadline to move out and mean it.

Original poster
HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 01:18

If she cooks for herself, she won’t clear up after herself unless I lose my shit and I’m sick of it which is why I’ve told her she’s not to. We’re talking late night cooking and I come down to dirty hob and plates in sink. I have 2 DSs sharing a bedroom, can’t move one in hers until she moves out but she’s hardly ever here.

Not sure if I should actually be worried tbh. She would normally have responded by now. Bf didn’t answer the text I sent telling him to tell her to answer her phone either. Assumed she’d gone from friends to his.

Did consider driving to his to see if her car is there but DH said just leave it. Won’t be able to sleep now. Just so bloody unnecessary!

OP posts:
SoSadForCav · 09/07/2023 01:20

@HettyHetUp you're the one who brought her up. Why didn't you teach her better manners and greater respect?

whywould you throw untouched chicken breasts out?? There are so many things you could have done with them.

SoSadForCav · 09/07/2023 01:27

@HettyHetUp well she's probably sleeping ike a baby, you should sleep too.

if you can't make yourself go to sleep, ring local hospitals and the non emergency police. Check she's not been in an accident then go to sleep.

over the weekend, tell her it's not working and she either need to abide by house rules or fly the nest. You're not obliged to have her living with you. How old are the boys? Why should they share,when she's routinely not there, bedroom going to waste??

Aquamarine1029 · 09/07/2023 01:32

You've let her get away with an unbelievable amount of bullshit for far too long. It's time to lay down the law.

She abides by all of your rules and standards regarding cleanliness and courtesy or she moves out. She starts paying for all of her food, phone, whatever, AND she pays you a fair amount to live there.

It's high time she grows up. You aren't doing her any favours by allowing her to be so immature and irresponsible.

Primrosefrill · 09/07/2023 01:33

HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 01:18

If she cooks for herself, she won’t clear up after herself unless I lose my shit and I’m sick of it which is why I’ve told her she’s not to. We’re talking late night cooking and I come down to dirty hob and plates in sink. I have 2 DSs sharing a bedroom, can’t move one in hers until she moves out but she’s hardly ever here.

Not sure if I should actually be worried tbh. She would normally have responded by now. Bf didn’t answer the text I sent telling him to tell her to answer her phone either. Assumed she’d gone from friends to his.

Did consider driving to his to see if her car is there but DH said just leave it. Won’t be able to sleep now. Just so bloody unnecessary!

OP this just gets worse. She’s disrespecting you. Your DSs should be able to have separate rooms. Why aren’t you giving her notice?! She’s 25 ffs

LakeTiticaca · 09/07/2023 01:34

Yet another story of parents infantilising adult offspring.
Just pack her stuff and change the locks

Pawpatrolsucks · 09/07/2023 01:39

I would sit her down and lay down the law. Let her know that if she doesn’t start cleaning up she will be given 3 months notice before she has to move out. Let her know that you are serious and this is not negotiable. She needs to text you by what ever time you set if she wants dinner. If she doesn’t come home and wastes the food she has to pay you $10. If she carries on like a teenager and throws a fit she will be given three months notice to move out. Her rent if she pays any goes up to a large amount. I’m not in the uk so maybe someone else can suggest a fairly high amount. Less than if she moved out, but not by a lot. Save this for her so when she moves out you can give it back to her. Write down the conditions in a contract and have her sign it and give her a copy. If she still carries on like a child give her three months notice to move out. She will probably ignore it, but once the three months is up box up all her stuff and give one of your sons her bedroom. If she won’t move out she can sleep in the lounge.

DiscoBeat · 09/07/2023 01:42

She's 25!! Just ask her to let you know in advance if you're catering for her, otherwise you will assume not. Just send a "checking in" text if you haven't seen her for a couple of days. You sound rather uptight....let her be free.
This!