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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is disgraceful behaviour for an adult, right?

267 replies

HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 00:44

DD 25 still living at home (unfortunately).

She insists she can’t afford to move out. Doesn’t want to move in with bf. Lots of issues about her cleaning up after herself, not doing anything around the house generally.

She regularly stays at bfs or other friends overnight. Sometimes not letting me know until I text her to ask if she’s coming home.

She regularly doesn’t answer phone or texts asking if she’s back for dinner.

I’d rather she just bugger off actually so DS can have her room which is only slept in half the week and still looks like a bomb site.

Last night (Friday) she said she was staying at a friends and would be back in the morning. Didn’t show which is not usual. I text her at 6pm asking if she’d be back for dinner, no response. Tried calling her during the evening but her phone goes straight to voicemail. No response to later texts.

She’s a relatively new driver so knows I worry if she doesn’t answer.

AIBU to think if you live with other people you let them what you’re doing so they don’t worry that something might have happened to you no matter how old you are?

OP posts:
Jellyheadbang · 09/07/2023 22:29

MammaWeasel · 09/07/2023 00:51

She's 25!! Just ask her to let you know in advance if you're catering for her, otherwise you will assume not. Just send a "checking in" text if you haven't seen her for a couple of days. You sound rather uptight....let her be free.

Hear hear. Let her make her own food if she wants it.
Swap her bedroom anyway as she's grown up, can't tidy and barely there.
Leave her to live her life independently which she's clearly showing she wants to
You can't constantly phone ref food and driving.
Exhausting, boring and unnecessary work for you.

UndercoverCop · 09/07/2023 22:38

I'm very much in favour of young adult children staying at home to save and get a good foot on the ladder.
However for it to work she needs to behave like an adult, keep her room tidy (she's 25!) , muck in with chores, contribute to her keep, do her own laundry, generally behave like a polite and respectful adult, I can't believe she's having hissy fits at 25. You also need to fret less. You're both behaving like she's still 17/18.

I moved home when I graduated at 22/23 and bought my first flat at 25, home counties in 2010 so it didn't cost tuppence.
During those 2.5 years I did more than half the cooking of dinners, most of the food shopping albeit I didn't pay for it all but did pay my keep, mucked in with general cleaning, put washing on for everyone, even played taxi driver of parents wanted to go out for the evening and my bedroom was spotless. Other than that I wasn't home much I was working 9-5 plus a bar job), and with friends/boyfriend I didn't always let parents know if plans changed late at night but they definitely knew roughly where I was and if I would be around for meals. In that time I also saved up enough to put a deposit on my first home on my own and furnish it.
She wants the leg up of staying at home as a young adult she needs to appreciate it.

UndercoverCop · 09/07/2023 22:39

Oh and definitely stop catering for her if she hasn't even said she'll be home and swap the bedrooms, if she doesn't like it she has other options

CauliflowerBalti · 10/07/2023 18:07

YANBU. Translate that behaviour to your partner and not one person on this thread would find it acceptable so I’ve no idea why 1/4 of people think it’s ok to expect to be fed but feel no obligation to stick to meal times or even commit to turning up for them.

Ilovecleaning · 10/07/2023 18:08

It’s your house for goodness sake! Clear out her room and move your DS into it. Give her what I assume is the smaller room. Tell her to cater for herself. What is so frightening about her having “a hissy fit”? She could “hissy fit” until the cows home if it were me.

MMUmum · 10/07/2023 18:09

My DD is 20, lives in Manchester at uni, she absolutely has to tell me if she leaves the city to go somewhere else, eg staying with friends. I have made it clear I don't need to know who she is with or what she's doing but I do need to know where she is, I need to know she is safe and can absolutely understand your concerns

Teaismymiddlename · 10/07/2023 18:18

Jongleterre · 09/07/2023 01:11

You have enabled her poor behaviour by being a complete doormat and letting her wipe her feet all over you and treat your home like a doss house.

You did so because she's your daughter and you wanted to be kinda

No more Mrs Nice Guy! You have got to boot her out or she will never stand on her own two feet.

You are setting yourself up for it happening all over again with your other child who is watching all this happening and they will also have no respect for you and will treat you with the same contempt that your daughter does.

Let her cry and whinge at how unfair it is and tell her well she can try it on with other people if she stays in their home and see how she gets on because no one is going to put up with a silly, immature, selfish and arrogant grown woman if she behaves in their home as she does in yours.

Stand strong. It's for her benefit as well as yours.

Absolutely this

Teaismymiddlename · 10/07/2023 18:20

Ilovecleaning · 10/07/2023 18:08

It’s your house for goodness sake! Clear out her room and move your DS into it. Give her what I assume is the smaller room. Tell her to cater for herself. What is so frightening about her having “a hissy fit”? She could “hissy fit” until the cows home if it were me.

Exactly. Don't get these adults that seem to have their homes ruled by their kids

If I wanted to change bedrooms damn right I would do. She can go be a brat in her own home!

Skodacool · 10/07/2023 18:22

HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 00:57

I’ve not done dinner for her before and she’s had a hissy fit! Also left dinner when she said she wanted it and it ended up in the bin - whole chicken fillets etc which is why I like to check in as Im doing it now. Hardly onerous to just say yes or no.

Whats weird about that?

Had a ‘hissy fit’ aka a tantrum, which most of us grew out of by the time we went to school. It suggests OP that you’ve been in the habit of giving in. DD needs a lesson in growing up.

Ilovecleaning · 10/07/2023 18:25

Teaismymiddlename · 10/07/2023 18:20

Exactly. Don't get these adults that seem to have their homes ruled by their kids

If I wanted to change bedrooms damn right I would do. She can go be a brat in her own home!

Show quote history

I know. In my long career (now retired) I met so many parents who were afraid of their own kids. They are often described as ‘spoiling’ them or ‘giving them too much of their own way’ or ‘trying too hard to please them’ but it comes from fear. Think Dudley Dursley! 🤣

Carpediemmakeitcount · 10/07/2023 18:43

She's not leaving she has everything free where she is.

Grrrrdarling · 10/07/2023 18:55

HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 11:00

Just to answer a few questions, she has had keys, she lost them. I’ve told her to get a new key cut herself but she hasn’t. She has turned up at 3am before waking us up to open the door totally not giving a shit. DH and I both work.

She does her own washing but leaves it in the machine for ages and puts it in the dryer on boiling hot days as she can’t be bothered to hang it, leaves it in the dryer when she disappears etc.

She hasn’t paid rent for the last 3 months as she lost her job (regular occurrence) has recently started a new one but not been paid yet. Before that she was paying a nominal amount. DH actually lowered it as she was going on about it being too much. We had a massive row about it.

She owes me £1500 for money I’ve lent her over the last 3 months and I want it back so can’t kick her out now. DH wouldn’t let me anyway! She needs a few months to pay me off then she can sling her hook.

I’ve asked her many times to leave but she plays the mental health card, threatens to harm herself. She shouts and swears, calls me a cunt etc. She deliberately shouts as she knows I don’t like DSs and neighbours hearing so will back down. She has turned into a monster but certainly was not raised like this.

I, myself left home at 18 and was on mat leave, had a mortgage, baby (her) and DH by her age. Certainly don’t infantilise her, I want her gone but if someone says they’re coming home and then don’t, go incommunicado, then you do worry, no? She’s had issues with drinking and drugs in the past.

I’ve even paid for therapy for her as she said she was struggling but she didn’t go so I refused to continue paying for it so she said it’s my fault that she has MH problems!

This is a toxic environment for the rest of the family.
She needs to move out, grow up & realise how easy she had it at home!
I would have given her marching orders the 1st time she called me a cee u next tuesday & refused to clear up after herself!
Stop pussy footing around her & let her fall in her own arse so she can learn how unreasonable & ungrateful she is!
Going forwards prepare meals for who are there, if she doesn’t turn up for dinner when she says she will she has what is put in the fridge for her next meal.
If she doesn’t like that she can get herself some food but due to her lack of respect for the kitchen & others in the house she cannot make food in the house unless she clears up after herself!
Sounds harsh but she needs to learn that her behaviour is not acceptable & has consequences.

Really upsets me when I hear of parents being taken advantage of by ungrateful children & those children also using mental health as a weapon!
If she genuinely had mental health issues she would take your offer of help & wouldn’t be throwing self harm around like a chew toy.
I wish I had a mum like you who would support & help me but I don’t so I just do what I can to keep going, like i have done since I moved out at 16. M

Stay strong, you have done all you can to support her & now she needs to go live in the real world!

YDBear · 10/07/2023 19:04

There’s only one reaction to people “playing the mental health card and threatening to self harm” and that’s “go ahead.” Sounds like the OP’s DH is part of the problem in forcing her to put up with this shit. If that were me I would throw her out tomorrow, and if the DH had much to say about it he would be coming home to find the locks changed.

PoshHorseyBird · 10/07/2023 19:39

So if you ask her to leave she screams and shouts, plays the mental health card, threatens to self harm and calls you a cunt?? ( I think I read that right correct me if I'm wrong) Well I think if at any point in my life I had called my mum a cunt I would have been straight out the front door with her foot up my arse! The fact she thinks it's ok to talk to you like that is disgusting! She needs to go. Kick her out and let her learn some life lessons. She can rent a room somewhere and see how long her mess and total inconsideration to others is tolerated by fellow housemates.

Lacucuracha · 10/07/2023 19:43

Please let us know you’ve chucked the twat out.

Galatine · 10/07/2023 19:58

Our grown up and very independent daughters know that, if they needed it ,there would be a home with us. But if they behaved like this, (they won't) even they would be shown the door!

SarahsHoneydew · 10/07/2023 20:03

Let her hissy fit about dinner all she wants I still wouldn’t be making her anything. She need to acknowledge if she wants to live like she lives alone then she buggers off into the real world and lives alone!

Timebomb1 · 10/07/2023 20:07

SoSadForCav · 09/07/2023 01:20

@HettyHetUp you're the one who brought her up. Why didn't you teach her better manners and greater respect?

whywould you throw untouched chicken breasts out?? There are so many things you could have done with them.

FFS 🤣😂

MsRosley · 10/07/2023 20:12

No amount of cajoling or reasoning with her is going to work, OP. She needs life to knock some of the entitlement out of her. Write off the money, tell your DH that either she goes or you go, then kick her out. She'll come round when she grows up a bit and realises what an arsehole she's been.

Teaismymiddlename · 10/07/2023 20:21

Ilovecleaning · 10/07/2023 18:25

I know. In my long career (now retired) I met so many parents who were afraid of their own kids. They are often described as ‘spoiling’ them or ‘giving them too much of their own way’ or ‘trying too hard to please them’ but it comes from fear. Think Dudley Dursley! 🤣

Show quote history

I worked for 12 years in a behaviour unit and in all honesty about 90% of the kids were there due to poor parenting and lack of rules or concequence

joycies · 10/07/2023 20:41

DiscoBeat · 09/07/2023 01:42

She's 25!! Just ask her to let you know in advance if you're catering for her, otherwise you will assume not. Just send a "checking in" text if you haven't seen her for a couple of days. You sound rather uptight....let her be free.
This!

Exactly my view to.

joycies · 10/07/2023 20:42

MammaWeasel · 09/07/2023 00:51

She's 25!! Just ask her to let you know in advance if you're catering for her, otherwise you will assume not. Just send a "checking in" text if you haven't seen her for a couple of days. You sound rather uptight....let her be free.

You sound very uptight to accuse someone else of being up tight.. There is freedom and there is not letting your Mum know you didn't crash the car!

joycies · 10/07/2023 20:43

SpinachSpinachMoreSpinach · 09/07/2023 01:08

Stop cooking for her.
Switch rooms so your son has the better room
Don't tolerate hissy fits - FFS!!
Make sure she pays rent.

Yay !

Cookiesam · 10/07/2023 21:05

When my husband was 18, his Mum printed him with a list of flats from the local paper and was told he needed to move out. Although I think that it was a bit harsh, your daughter should move out. While you make it comfortable for her, she is going to stay, but she really needs to grow up. My DD is a bit of a demanding nightmare, but flatshares in London. She has hissy fits when she visits home sometimes. I just ignore her. Sometimes, I even leave the house! Hissy fit for one is pointless!!!

OhcantthInkofaname · 10/07/2023 21:56

Can you move and not tell her?