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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is disgraceful behaviour for an adult, right?

267 replies

HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 00:44

DD 25 still living at home (unfortunately).

She insists she can’t afford to move out. Doesn’t want to move in with bf. Lots of issues about her cleaning up after herself, not doing anything around the house generally.

She regularly stays at bfs or other friends overnight. Sometimes not letting me know until I text her to ask if she’s coming home.

She regularly doesn’t answer phone or texts asking if she’s back for dinner.

I’d rather she just bugger off actually so DS can have her room which is only slept in half the week and still looks like a bomb site.

Last night (Friday) she said she was staying at a friends and would be back in the morning. Didn’t show which is not usual. I text her at 6pm asking if she’d be back for dinner, no response. Tried calling her during the evening but her phone goes straight to voicemail. No response to later texts.

She’s a relatively new driver so knows I worry if she doesn’t answer.

AIBU to think if you live with other people you let them what you’re doing so they don’t worry that something might have happened to you no matter how old you are?

OP posts:
Cornchip · 09/07/2023 01:47

I can see it from both sides.

From your perspective I can totally see how her behaviour is quite selfish in some ways (hissy fit over dinner but not replying to let you know about dinner, being messy etc). But I can also see from her perspective how you might be coming across as quite suffocating because she is an “adult” (even though she isn’t really acting like one).

That being said, if she was 18-20 I’d have more sympathy for her as she’s figuring things out but she’s 25- at that age I’d moved out, was completely financially dependent from my parents and had a baby.

I think you need to give her an ultimatum of sorts. Ie if she continues to live at home she needs to clearly communicate when she won’t be back so you aren’t wasting time/money catering for her (and so won’t have to hassle her) and she needs to contribute to the household more. Even if it isn’t financial, there’s nothing stopping her sticking a wash on and giving the living room a vacuum. Or… she moves out and is free to do what she wants.

She’s acting like a bit of a baby and needs to grow up regardless of moving out or not.

mathanxiety · 09/07/2023 01:47

HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 00:57

I’ve not done dinner for her before and she’s had a hissy fit! Also left dinner when she said she wanted it and it ended up in the bin - whole chicken fillets etc which is why I like to check in as Im doing it now. Hardly onerous to just say yes or no.

Whats weird about that?

So what if she throws a hissy fit?

And why didn't you put the dinner she didn't eat in the fridge for lunch for yourself the next day?

Ignore this young madam from now on. Stop texting her to make sure she got wherever she was going. She is 25. Deal with your anxiety over driving some other way.

The default wrt dinner should be that unless she opts in, she's out. And if she doesn't turn up for a dinner she said she'd be there for, wrap it up and refrigerate it.

Codlingmoths · 09/07/2023 01:47

I think you should ask her to move out. You are failing her by letting her stay and telling her NOT to cook for herself to be honest. Does she have her own wash basket? I hope so and you don’t do her washing! If you aren’t evicting her, empty a fridge shelf and label it for her. Tell her she has to clean up after herself, and you won’t be cooking for her anymore. Make it clear if she won’t clean up after herself she will have to move out. Get a tub and put her dirty dishes in there if she leaves them in the morning and when she’s next home say you have dishes to wash before you do anything else. Does she pay rent? Ask her to.
I suspect you won’t do this, and she will continue living a 15 year olds life while you are frustrated and your other kids could have their own room. This won’t do her any favours, she will stay a 25 year old who doesn’t have to adult.

ASGIRC · 09/07/2023 01:51

Ive been back home as an adult at times (either back on a long holiday, as I lived abroad for years or during the pandemic, when I moved back to my home country, while waiting for my new house to be ready to move in to).

Ive always made sure to let my mom know if I was coming home or whether I was having dinner or not. So that she could plan. By default, Id be home for dinner, but if I wasnt, id let her know.

its not hard. She can have her freedom and also be respectful of you and your house...

Landndialamrhf · 09/07/2023 02:13

She’s 25, you don’t need to make her dinner. Tell her you won’t be making dinner unless she specifically asks, with enough notice
pick your battles, take a step back
ask her for rent if she’s not already paying
or tell her to leave

If she moves out you won’t know she’s safe or be able to check up on her so much, so I don’t know that you need to keep checking now really.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 09/07/2023 02:21

Let her throw a hissy fit.

I don’t know what other advice you’re looking for.

You’re completely pandering to her, and she doesn’t give a shit.

Just say ‘this is the deal’, and stick to it.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 09/07/2023 02:23

And if she leaves dirty dishes out, then you don’t cook for her again until the place is cleaned up.

She might find she has to clean some stuff up to make her own food.

Or she might find she has to clean stuff up, if she wants you to cook for her.

Either way, she might find she has to get off her arse.

Splishsploshsplash · 09/07/2023 02:27

For goodness sake stop being a doormat!

Lay down strict boundaries. If she doesn’t like it she moves out.

You are doing her absolutely no favours.

MayThe4th · 09/07/2023 02:34

my ds is 20 and his bedroom is a tip which drives me mad but I just shut the door on it. However, he always lets me know where he is or if he’s not coming home or if he’s home for dinner. And if he doesn’t know (he works erratic hours) then he either picks something up or makes something when he gets home.

tell she either gets her act together or she moves out.

LifeExperience · 09/07/2023 02:36

She's been an adult for 6 years! She acts this way because you never established proper discipline, rules or boundaries. She's an ungrateful, self-centered twat because you've allowed her to be. Give her notice and tell her to move out. Then change the locks. It sounds harsh, but it's the most loving thing you could do if you really want to help her.

HoneyBunnii · 09/07/2023 02:38

Have a sit down with her the next time you see her and tell her you need her to move out by such a such date.

Tell her the reason (same reasons you have told us here)

Also tell her you have given her enough chances.

Also give the room back to your DS and tell her to sleep on the sofa. Whoever needs to use the room most deserves the room and obviously your DD is not using it half of the time.

I know it is tough because you are her mother and you worry about where she will go etc etc. But from what i can see she has friends and a bf and so on whom she can also get support from.

I say you tell her to move out on lets say exactly 2 months from now (9th september). She has a 2 whole months to find a place to stay etc.

Also make it clear to her in person that the next time she doesnt answer your text regarding dinner or does not tell you if she will have it with you or not then you wont make it. You are not her slave.

If you stop making life so cushy for her at home she will want to move out.

Involve her in all your chores even if she gets moody over it.

Yes you will have to be the ultimate horrible parent for some time (maybe a few years to come) but once she has kids of her own ome day that take after her and drive her made she will understand why you did this.

JennyJenny8675309 · 09/07/2023 04:11

DiscoBeat · 09/07/2023 01:42

She's 25!! Just ask her to let you know in advance if you're catering for her, otherwise you will assume not. Just send a "checking in" text if you haven't seen her for a couple of days. You sound rather uptight....let her be free.
This!

I disagree. My DD is 25 and lives in a different city, but when she is here visiting she has the courtesy to let me know if she’s not going to be home. I want to know that she’s okay and she’ll respond to a quick text, “are you ok?” or similar. It’s not too much to ask.

Stillcantbebothered · 09/07/2023 04:12

MammaWeasel · 09/07/2023 00:51

She's 25!! Just ask her to let you know in advance if you're catering for her, otherwise you will assume not. Just send a "checking in" text if you haven't seen her for a couple of days. You sound rather uptight....let her be free.

If she wants to be free she can move out and be a responsible me adult. Free my ass.

Babsexxx · 09/07/2023 05:46

She’s literally 25 I assume she has her own key? So locking ups not a concern don’t make her meals she can fend for herself!

Echio · 09/07/2023 05:58

Wow some harsh replies to you here OP!

I think it's really difficult with adult kids at home not to 'regress' to the dynamic of adult / teenage kid.

I speak as a 39 year old who has been at home with my folks for the last 3 years, and before that they had my adult brother and his gf here for the last 8. Before anyone pounces, it was covid, job insecurity, then looking for a FTB which has just happened - I'm out by the end of this month at last!!

As the adult kid, it feels rubbish reporting to your parents on your whereabouts for dinner - it's like you feel you are not independent, and I think it feels worse when you're out with people not in that situation who aren't having to check in with their parents. I think also - with me - it feels like dinners are only on my parents terms - I have to eat with them, at their times, with their very boring old fashioned meals, which exacerbates the feeling.

But I have to counter those feelings with a) am pretty bloody lucky to have dinner cooked for me at least 6 nights a week (we've fallen into a habit where I do one), and b) if I were with a partner we'd communicate about dinner anyway. I think it's this last one I have to tell myself more re letting my parents know if I'm not about. It feels like you're not being treated like a grown up having to check in with your parents, but in reality, I'd be doing the same for whoever I'd be sharing food with.

Anyway- no real advice- you are not 'at fault' or unreasonable to ask. Sounds like an old pattern now that has gone on too long so is now difficult to change.

Tbh it sounds like it's approaching time she moves out, if she's unable to live with you in the way you need for a calm and happy household. Maybe increase her rent to help incentivise her moving out so it's not an advantage being at home? Is there anything you can do to help with moving out - covering rent deposit on agreement it comes back to you at the end, that kind of thing?

boboshmobo · 09/07/2023 06:10

Swop her rooms , give your ds who is there full time the best room.

She doesn't sound very nice or grateful tbh !

Alifelessweird · 09/07/2023 06:16

Stop making her dinner.

At the moment it is probably pissing her off that she has to be accountable to you for movements, yet she is still quite happy to have you cook he dinner. The former is reasonable of her, the latter is not.

Start treating her as an independent adult. She makes her own dinner, pays her share of bills and is expected to clean up after herself in communal areas and to do a fair share of household chores. If she is not happy with that, she has to move out.

Mollymalone123 · 09/07/2023 06:18

Is she paying rent? If not she needs to start and honestly when things get this bad the only way to resolve it is to give her notice.I bet you find that once she has her own place your relationship will improve. At the moment it sounds like mother and teenage not adult daughter-time she flew the nest! Any rent you take maybe hold some back as a deposit and rent/moving money.

Augend23 · 09/07/2023 06:31

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect to know who's in the house at night. I'd expect you to let her know if you were going away/staying with friends as well.

If she doesn't want to let you know if she's in for dinner then the consequence of that is no dinner.

When I shared a house we used to manage this with a whiteboard: one column for each person's name, one row per day. We each filled in when we would be in or not for dinner, then put a +1 or +2 or whatever if we were bringing guests. Put our initial next to a day when we were cooking. It worked quite well.

In all honesty, it doesn't sound as though anyone is happy with this situation, including her or she wouldn't be there almost never. That means the above suggestions may be of no use. But they might be worth a try as a final punt to salvage the situation and not have to kick her out. It feels like the best option is for her to conclude she wants to move out of her own accord - but part of that has to be setting and meeting boundaries and expectations that come with living in a multi adult household rather than an adult-child one.

Willmafrockfit · 09/07/2023 06:49

oh i have been through the same scenario
it is hard
although ds didnt throw a hissy fit if i didnt cook
i am sure she will leave eventually op

Lacucuracha · 09/07/2023 06:51

She’s disrespectful and inconsiderate.

Please give her a deadline to leave. And mean it.

Nordicrain · 09/07/2023 06:55

Well she’s being inconsiderate and shit for sure. But I think you are being overbearing too - considering driving around looking for her when you say this behaviour is entirely usual. She’s 25 for goodness sake, not 16.

tell her what the rules at home are, charge her rent and tell her to start looking for her own place.

DreamTheMoors · 09/07/2023 07:05

When I turned 18, my mum said “school or work - either way, you’re outta here.”
And she meant it.
45 days later I was outta there, living with 2 roommates in a flat.

It’s seriously time for a “you’re outta here” chat of your own, @HettyHetUp- your daughter is 25.

RedRobyn2021 · 09/07/2023 07:05

At 25 she should be behaving better yes. She's acting like a teenager at the moment.

The thing that would upset me most is not bothering to text if she's not coming home, that's really not on.

Maray1967 · 09/07/2023 07:11

HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 00:57

I’ve not done dinner for her before and she’s had a hissy fit! Also left dinner when she said she wanted it and it ended up in the bin - whole chicken fillets etc which is why I like to check in as Im doing it now. Hardly onerous to just say yes or no.

Whats weird about that?

What’s weird is that you haven’t knocked this on the head. My DS 23 is at home with us. He tells us if he’s not in for tea. He tidies up his room at least once a week. He lets us know if he’s staying out. He asks if it’s ok for his girlfriend to come over. You need to lay the law down and mean it. She does all the above and treats you with respect or she’s out. So what if she had a hissy fit when you didn’t cook for her? She would have had a bollocking from me if she’d done that.