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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is disgraceful behaviour for an adult, right?

267 replies

HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 00:44

DD 25 still living at home (unfortunately).

She insists she can’t afford to move out. Doesn’t want to move in with bf. Lots of issues about her cleaning up after herself, not doing anything around the house generally.

She regularly stays at bfs or other friends overnight. Sometimes not letting me know until I text her to ask if she’s coming home.

She regularly doesn’t answer phone or texts asking if she’s back for dinner.

I’d rather she just bugger off actually so DS can have her room which is only slept in half the week and still looks like a bomb site.

Last night (Friday) she said she was staying at a friends and would be back in the morning. Didn’t show which is not usual. I text her at 6pm asking if she’d be back for dinner, no response. Tried calling her during the evening but her phone goes straight to voicemail. No response to later texts.

She’s a relatively new driver so knows I worry if she doesn’t answer.

AIBU to think if you live with other people you let them what you’re doing so they don’t worry that something might have happened to you no matter how old you are?

OP posts:
THisbackwithavengeance · 09/07/2023 07:13

I disagree with other posters. She's not acting like a child. It's you who are babying her.

She's an adult. She can come and go without having to check in and out with her mum. And FGS stop cooking her tea. Just let her be.

JT69 · 09/07/2023 07:14

My DS is still at home. He’s 24. His life seems pretty chaotic to me with lots of last minute plans and always chopping and changing but there you go. We charge some rent, I don’t do his washing, we don’t cook him dinner unless he’s actually here and have some idea of his fluid plans so we know what’s happening. He’s also mostly at his gf s. He isn’t great at doing his share of jobs but I blame that on DH! It is tricky having adult “kids” at home. A few ground rules makes it slightly more bearable and less stressy.

Clymene · 09/07/2023 07:14

What's weird is you putting up with it. Kick her out.

InSpainTheRain · 09/07/2023 07:15

If she has to continue to live at home with you then you need to have an adult conversation with her. Explain calmly and in advance that you'll be cutting apron strings. She may be pleased about this but you need to also explain that you won't be cooking for her either - so no checking up, but no cooking. It would also seem reasonable to say that living together is not working and you need the room she has. Set a reasonable date - say 3 months away - and give her the date to move out. If she gets angry and destructive then tell her she is just confirming your view that she needs to move out.

Alifelessweird · 09/07/2023 07:15

HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 01:18

If she cooks for herself, she won’t clear up after herself unless I lose my shit and I’m sick of it which is why I’ve told her she’s not to. We’re talking late night cooking and I come down to dirty hob and plates in sink. I have 2 DSs sharing a bedroom, can’t move one in hers until she moves out but she’s hardly ever here.

Not sure if I should actually be worried tbh. She would normally have responded by now. Bf didn’t answer the text I sent telling him to tell her to answer her phone either. Assumed she’d gone from friends to his.

Did consider driving to his to see if her car is there but DH said just leave it. Won’t be able to sleep now. Just so bloody unnecessary!

You texted her bf to tell him to tell her to text you?!

That is hardly the way to get her to do-operate with you on other areas.

You two sound like you have a near complete relationship breakdown.

It is not her responsibility to manage your extreme levels of anxiety about her being out of the house. It’s your responsibility to manage your feelings without impinging on her.

It is not your responsibility to do domestic tasked for her, or conjole her to do them herself. It’s her responsibility.

You have two courses of action to choose between. Sit her down and say that things are out of control with both of you. Tell her that you will stop asking her where she is. And she in her turn will cook and clean up for herself. You will trial this for two months. If it works it continues, if it doesn’t, she is out.

Or you hand her three months notice now. Personally. As your sons need the room, I would do this.

usernother · 09/07/2023 07:17

When I was young and still living at home we didn't have a phone in the house and my mum never knew if I'd be home or not and often I wasn't. Stop contacting her and stop cooking for her. In fact, stop doing anything for her. She's an adult.

Caradonna · 09/07/2023 07:17

Give DS her room now.

Zola1 · 09/07/2023 07:18

Just tell her that she's a big adult and she needs to sort her own meals as you won't be doing it any more

Goldfoot · 09/07/2023 07:18

Adult DC at home requires quite a shift. I don't expect mine to participate in family life like I did when they were younger, they are treated more like lodgers - I don't cook for them unless it's been specially arranged, similarly to if they had moved out and were coming round to dinner.

They do come and go and I don't really know if they'll be home from one day to the next. However:

  • They pay their way
  • They let me know if they're not coming home
  • They don't have regular chores, but they wouldn't dream of not doing it if I asked them to e.g. mow the lawn or clean the bathroom.
speluncean · 09/07/2023 07:19

Just stop. Stop cooking for her.

Charge her rent.

Leave her room be - she's 25 if it's a pigs midden that's on her.

Stop checking up on her and fgs stop texting her boyfriend to tell her to ring you.

Assume she's safe and fine unless you hear something to the contrary.

You're treating her like she's a teenager.

turnthetoiletpaperroundproperly · 09/07/2023 07:19

Very disrespectul to you and the other members of the household. Think it might be the time to sit down and spell out how inconsiderate her behaviour is. You have the power here OP. Whilst I am not in anyway saying you should do anything drastic theres nothing wrong at all in laying out the facts and maybe (and this is just a mum thing!) exaggerating what could happen if she fails to wise up and start being respectful. Sounds to me like she needs to grow up a little more!! There is nothing insurmountable here if an arrangement of basic manners is adapted by your dd. I would refuse to engage with the tantrums however and I would be setting out that I would not tolerate being dictated to or spoken to in such a way. Until she gets her act straight and acting like a grown up then she gets treated like a child. She is alienating the very people she should be cherishing ,silly girl. She doesnt have to agree with you but she does have to act decently. Nothing at all to stop you changing bedrooms either, do it. Its easy ,your house you pay for the bloody thing so you decide what works best for all who live there she has no say in that respect.

Alifelessweird · 09/07/2023 07:24

You're treating her like she's a teenager

And in turn she’s behaving like one.

Willmafrockfit · 09/07/2023 07:27

i can understand you worrying about where she is
i have been there
just think No news is good news op.
if she was staying with friends they wouldnt text asking where she was.
have a conversation with her.

loislovesstewie · 09/07/2023 07:27

If she can't actually afford to move out then she behaves in a more considerate way.
So;
she cooks and cleans up for herself
does own washing
cleans her room[because it will stink out the house]
stopping out is fine because she is an adult.
If she doesn't like it she gets out.
Break any rule she gets out.
As she is an adult she understands that actions have consequences.
Spell it out clearly.

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 09/07/2023 07:29

HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 00:57

I’ve not done dinner for her before and she’s had a hissy fit! Also left dinner when she said she wanted it and it ended up in the bin - whole chicken fillets etc which is why I like to check in as Im doing it now. Hardly onerous to just say yes or no.

Whats weird about that?

Let her have a hissy fit

Then remind her she is an adult and mistress of her own life.

Then tell her, if you're here rent free, then you pay your way with housework and chores, this isn't a doss house

Willmafrockfit · 09/07/2023 07:37

i dont think you shoudl force her to move in with her BF

pictoosh · 09/07/2023 07:38

LakeTiticaca · 09/07/2023 01:34

Yet another story of parents infantilising adult offspring.
Just pack her stuff and change the locks

Because of COURSE this is what you would do to your kid. Pack their stuff and change the locks. Ok.

People are full of shit bravado when it's not their problem.

I have a 21 yr old at home. His room's a tip most of the time, he's only here half the time, uses every dish in the house when he cooks for himself and he's crap at keeping in touch.
I am not about to change the locks ffs. I let him live his adult life as he pleases and ask him to let me know if he is looking for dinner, which he sometimes does and often doesn't. I love the lad you see.

IcedGemsandPartyRings · 09/07/2023 07:40

It's really disrespectful. Please tell me you don't do her laundry?!!

I get that it's hard for you g people right now, the rental market is a nightmare. I have 2 at home and I have very rarely had to throw away a meal because I didn't know if they wanted to eat.

Bedrooms are a bomb site, but it doesn't affect me. They know bin day.

Clymene · 09/07/2023 07:41

You're not doing him any favours @pictoosh by being such a mug.

BlanketSmoothies · 09/07/2023 07:41

HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 00:57

I’ve not done dinner for her before and she’s had a hissy fit! Also left dinner when she said she wanted it and it ended up in the bin - whole chicken fillets etc which is why I like to check in as Im doing it now. Hardly onerous to just say yes or no.

Whats weird about that?

A 25 year old had a hissy fit? Your daughter sounds like a spoilt child, and that’s probably because you still treat her like a child.

Give the bedroom to your son, stop feeding your daughter, and stop asking where she is all the time.

drpet49 · 09/07/2023 07:41

greenthumb13 · 09/07/2023 00:52

She's still acting like she's 18. You're going to need to be stricter and demand more respect or she needs to move out.

This

speluncean · 09/07/2023 07:42

Same @pictoosh

I pretend I live in a one bedroom house. Their rooms are their rooms.

I keep the rest of the house clean and I remind them (yap at them) not to leave dishes in their rooms and to put their dirty ones in the dishwasher.

They pay minimal rent during the holidays (they've literally just finished uni) and will be paying more rent once they get their first pay cheques.

I only cook for them at the weekends if they tell me they're in for food - through the week we share cooking.

They do their own laundry.

I'd never dream of driving round to see where their cars were or ringing their boyfriend to tell him to tell them to answer their phone.

If something bad happens, you'll find out and what can you do about it anyway? By the time you find out, it's happened already.

Qbish · 09/07/2023 07:46

If you want her to behave like an adult, why are you treating her like a child?

Stop texting her. If she's out, she's out. Stop feeding her, stop texting her about meals. Just leave her to it.

FrenchandSaunders · 09/07/2023 07:46

I wouldn’t chuck her out or ask her to leave. But I would stop cooking for her unless she’s says she’s going to be in.

I do get the worry when they don’t come home and don’t bother texting … my 22 year old DD is still at home and occasionally does this. Regardless of age it’s just considerate to let people you live with know if you’re staying out. I’d let DH know and I’m 55!

I don’t do her washing and she usually cooks for herself. Her room is fine most of the time. Does your DD work

Qbish · 09/07/2023 07:48

*Not sure if I should actually be worried tbh. She would normally have responded by now. Bf didn’t answer the text I sent telling him to tell her to answer her phone either. Assumed she’d gone from friends to his.

Did consider driving to his to see if her car is there but DH said just leave it. Won’t be able to sleep now. Just so bloody unnecessary!*

This is mad. If she didn't live at home, would you be texting her constantly asking her where she was?!

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