This is disgraceful behaviour for an adult, right?

[HettyHetUp]

DD 25 still living at home (unfortunately).

She insists she can’t afford to move out. Doesn’t want to move in with bf. Lots of issues about her cleaning up after herself, not doing anything around the house generally.

She regularly stays at bfs or other friends overnight. Sometimes not letting me know until I text her to ask if she’s coming home.

She regularly doesn’t answer phone or texts asking if she’s back for dinner.

I’d rather she just bugger off actually so DS can have her room which is only slept in half the week and still looks like a bomb site.

Last night (Friday) she said she was staying at a friends and would be back in the morning. Didn’t show which is not usual. I text her at 6pm asking if she’d be back for dinner, no response. Tried calling her during the evening but her phone goes straight to voicemail. No response to later texts.

She’s a relatively new driver so knows I worry if she doesn’t answer.

AIBU to think if you live with other people you let them what you’re doing so they don’t worry that something might have happened to you no matter how old you are?

Change the bedrooms around for your son and tell her that unless she keeps it tidy next stop is she’s out! Never make dinner unless she asks xx

Oh come on, would I disappear for two days and not let the rest of the family where I was? Would my husband? Would even my daughter, who lives with two close friends?

No, because the other people who we live with would worry!

Consideration for the people you live with is a basic part of living in a social group. if you don't like it, get a flat on your own or live in a houseshare with strangers.

And re catering; the person who does the meal planning and shopping still needs to know if they're shopping for three, four or maybe five if the boyfriend is eating with you too. One thing if it's just a curry which can be reheated but how many steaks do you buy for tonight,,how many jacket potatoes do you put in? It's also annoying when you buy less and suddenly it's all gone because someone has come in come in at an odd hour and cooked part of tomorrow's dinner for themselves.

You’re doing way too much! Considering driving to her boyfriend’s late at night because she didn’t answer your call? They’re probably asleep.

The consequences for not cleaning up after herself isn’t that she stops cooking and you cook all her meals. It’s that she’s made to clear up after herself.

Stop cooking for her. Tell her if she does cook, she needs to clear up after herself. And if she throws a hissy fit, she can hissy fit out of the door.

Where is your DH in all of this? Who’s paying for her car?

She’s too grown to be behaving like this, and for you to be catering and hovering over her.

those with little kids wont get it and are probably the ones saying to change the locks and throw her out, however you need to talk asap and say how much this is affecting you, that at 25 it would be better for her independence to move out, you can offer to help her look and help with the admin. Other idea is can she stay part the week at the bfs, maybe he stays part the week with you? On set days so everyone knows whats going on.
I know things are different now and young people live at home longer, but not at the stress and detriment of the rest of the family and the parents. x

You sound rather uptight....let her be free.

Wouldn't you be "rather uptight" if your adult DC behaved like this @MammaWeasel?

Do you have adult DC? You don't stop worrying about your DC no matter what age they are.

For the record DD stayed in her university city to live and work, but I know that if she was at home she wouldn't be this selfish or thoughtless.

The quickest way to get her to answer her phone would be to text, 'I am swapping yours and your brothers rooms around today.'

It is sad she has forced your hand. I don't see any reason to pack her bags or give notice, or any of that. As for the dinners, just put her portion in the fridge and you have it for lunch the next day. No need to mention dinners again.

She can throw the great-grandmother of hissy fits but until she has her own place, she can live how you decide is best for the family.

Let her be the adult she is and focus on your youngest dc. Get them in a routine of clearing away after themselves. Get them cooking. Good useful stuff to learn young.

I bet all the posters saying bag up her belongings, leave them outside and change the locks are parents of younger children.

This is so disrespectful. She's 25 though so doesn't have to check in even though she absolutely should!
Does she work? Decent salary? If so, I'd just say it's time to move out. She clearly doesn't respect you and your home or your feelings and whether she's 25 or not she either grows up and shows some respect ir moves out.

Yes! I love this!!!

At 25 she should not need to let you know when she’s coming home.

The only time an adult needs to tell someone what time they’ll be back is if they have kids, share cars etc.

I would ask will you be back in time for dinner and if she says yes then make them a plate which they can reheat later on.

Or just tell them if they’re not back by X time then they need to make their own food.

She does not need to let you know when she’s coming back but she does need to have more respect by tidying up after herself.

I don’t think you should be encouraging her to move in with her bf and it’s quite worrying that you want her to when she’s obviously not ready, just so your DS can have her room.

Does she pay rent?
At 25 it’s reasonable to ask for some contribution towards the food and utilities she’s using.

I was married and mortgaged by 25. Tell her to leave.

Change the dynamics. Tell her you will only make her dinner if she lets you know by noon that she will be eating with you.
Put a bolt on the entry door. Tell her this will be used when you go to bed unless she has let you know by message she will be home or out. No waking you up if she changes her mind.
Do it all in a good hearted manner, no arguments. I understand your frustration but fake it for now.
The mess in her room is her problem (I know it's annoying) and leave her washing etc to her.
A change in response from you often works to shift the dynamics.
Take back control of your home.
She's acting like a child but I suggest you treat her like the adult she is (yep, I know) and see if anything changes.
Good luck x

Why would you bolt her out and not just give her a house key?

Agreed ^

I'm sure she can sort her own food out.

She is 25. Stop treating her like a child. Make sure she pays board, buys and cooks her own food, cleans the kitchen immediately after, does her own washing, keeps her belongings in her own room, follows the cleaning rota, never leaves a trace if herself once leaving a room (ensure ds is the same btw).

It seems like you and her both need to renew and manage expectations. At 25 it seems utterly bizarre to be cooking her dinner or tolerating tantrums about it not being on the table if she does want it. She shouldn't need to tell you what she's doing or when she's staying out if she is an adult living in the home, I would just stop asking.

I'd have thought you could just sit her down and say that it is your home and you are happy for her to live in it but that if she wants to she needs to commit to keeping it tidy and respect it (not leave food out etc). Point out that you won't be cooking for her anymore or expecting her for dinner but if she wants to join she is welcome to text you ahead of time and you will do her a portion. I would also expect a financial contribution from a 25 year old and for her to do her own food shopping, for which I would clear an area in the fridge and leave it at that.

If she refused or continued to make a mess I would simply tell her that I am moving DS into that room and she can have the other one. If you don't enforce something then it will just carry on as it is, she is clearly used to doing what she wants and having it her way.

This can't carry on.
You both need to reset and have clear rules and expectations of each other.

No meals made for her unless she specifically says she is coming

No late night cooking.

Tidy room

Put stuff away

Rent

You will not check in / badger her.

Add whatever you like

Write it up and both of you sign it.

Be clear that you expect that she will move out sooner rather than later but you will always be her safe haven in case anything goes wrong with bf

There are 2 DS's who share the other room and the op hasn't said whether her dd room is bigger or smaller.

I agree about the young kids and untill they are on n that position they don't know, best thing is give them a key let them come and go as they please and if they come home and want a meal they can cook it themselves.

I have 3 adult ds's living at home and have similar issues but no longer ask them whether they will be in for tea etc. If they are not here at tea time they either get a plate left to warm up or they sort themselves out. I don't expect them to call to say they aren't home but then they are all lads so may be different in that you don't worry about them in quite the same way as girls. My main worry is that if we had a fire at home people could be risking their lives looking for them when they aren't here ! i am thinking of getting one of those boards where you check in and out like we have at work for fire safety purposes !!!

Being free is what you get when you move out.

This is ridiculous.

I've been thinking similar. I left home at 19 and rented with my then BF, bought my own house a few years later. And although rents were much lower then, they were still high relative to wages. The rent on that first flat was 80% of one salary.

Most of my friends had left home by the time they were 20, and the ones who went away to uni only went back to parents afterwards for a short time before moving out again once they were working.

I think the trend for young people to stay at home well into their 20s can be infantilising for some. They carry on living like spoilt teens for far too long. When I started work I gave my DM almost a third of my take home pay and only got dinner cooked for me if I expressly told her I would be in. I'd been doing my own laundry for a couple of years by then and had to keep my room tidy because it was so small I could barely get in there if there was crap all over the floor.

She needs to move out, OP, and take care of herself, but I'd give her 3 months notice so she can save up rent and deposit. In the meantime, stop cooking for her unless by prior arrangement and stop checking on her movements.

Also, there is rarely a good excuse for ignoring text messages. Situations in which you can’t take 5 seconds to reply to a text:-

1. if your job doesn’t allow it
2. you’re driving
3. you’re not with your phone

Option 3 doesn’t apply, because young people always have their phones in front of them. It takes seconds to read a text, reply, then get back to tiktok or whatever. It’s disrespectful to live in someone’s house and ignore their messages.

It's time for her to move out and live by her own rules and standards, OP.