This is disgraceful behaviour for an adult, right?

[HettyHetUp]

DD 25 still living at home (unfortunately).

She insists she can’t afford to move out. Doesn’t want to move in with bf. Lots of issues about her cleaning up after herself, not doing anything around the house generally.

She regularly stays at bfs or other friends overnight. Sometimes not letting me know until I text her to ask if she’s coming home.

She regularly doesn’t answer phone or texts asking if she’s back for dinner.

I’d rather she just bugger off actually so DS can have her room which is only slept in half the week and still looks like a bomb site.

Last night (Friday) she said she was staying at a friends and would be back in the morning. Didn’t show which is not usual. I text her at 6pm asking if she’d be back for dinner, no response. Tried calling her during the evening but her phone goes straight to voicemail. No response to later texts.

She’s a relatively new driver so knows I worry if she doesn’t answer.

AIBU to think if you live with other people you let them what you’re doing so they don’t worry that something might have happened to you no matter how old you are?

I wouldn't be running around after her. You're treating her like a child when she's quite old enough to look after herself. And I certainly wouldn't check up on her whereabouts all the time. She's a grown up.
No dinner. She can cook for herself when she gets home.
She should do her own washing and clear up after herself. If she is too lazy, ask her to leave. I hope she pays rent?

She sounds like a spoilt child, which I think you know anyway. Your 2 boys will see this behaviour and copy it.

Tell her you want a meeting to discuss it.
No more meals as standard
Bedroom and house tidy
Make a plan for her eventual exit with a deadline
No more checking in (if she were living away you wouldn't know when she was home)

She will hissy and stamp her feet but ultimately respect you more if you stick to it.
You got this 💪🏻

OP, kindly meant as I have a 23 year old.

You are a mug and she is a brat that needs sorting out.

There is absolutely no way this is acceptable.

Take away her choice.

Tell her you want her out and give her a date to be gone.

This behaviour is not normal and there is absolutely no way that me or my friends would be tolerating such rudeness and disrespect.

How have you allowed her to get to 25 and be so rude and inconsiderate?

In life we get given as much shit as we will take.

With her exhibiting such selfishness at 25, how do you think she will behave in a relationship.

I think my 23 year can be thoughtless and selfish at times, but he wouldn't be a 100 miles near what you are describing.

She doesn't get to decide at 25 that she's using your home as a doss house, you do.

I know of people who said it took their child moving out for both the penny and appreciation to really kick in.

Assert yourself, you sound like a total doormat which is awful modelling for all your children.

I bet she can afford to move out she just doesn’t want to. When I left home I was on 13k and rented a place with my boyfriend who was still job hunting (we had just left uni). We had no extra money to spare and had to be frugal until things got a bit better but we made it work like a lot of people have to.

I bet she just doesn’t want to give up her lifestyle especially if she’s not paying you rent

Yeah this sounds awful for your DD. She’s 25 not 15. Stopping cooking for her, ask her to contribute financially/ needs to buy her own food. Stopping messaging her so often.
Set some strong ground rules; needs to treat it this like a room to rent, need to clean up etc. if not then she will have to leave.

I've got one like that too pictoosh.

He steps up whenever he's needed and is great company to have around.

The idea that any parents would change the locks on their child is bonkers. I can only assume that parents who suggest it currently have perfect 5yos who love "helping" and will look back and cringe at their naivety when they actually get to this stage

First off: she is an adult, stop chasing after her with calls and texts.
Swap the bedrooms round when she's not in. If she pushes off on a Friday, chances are you won't see her until Sunday? be prepared with your DS and do it in a day. If she doesn't like her free accommodation - she can move out.

The mess? gather it up into rubbish bags and either dump it in her (new) room, or the garage. If it's there a week, it gets junked.

Can you lock the kitchen and only give her access at pre-arranged times? And if it's not tidy afterwards: one warning and then access is revoked.

Continuing residence at your place is tied to behaviour/tidiness and rent?

And? Let her throw a hissy fit. Don’t chase her either. If she can’t be bothered to tell you if she’s home to eat, she can either cook for herself (if you are happy to let her use the ingredients - I don’t know how carefully you meal plan), order and pay for take out or have toast and jam/ peanut butter to keep herself going.

If she has a bigger room than ds, swap them.
I did this when dd1 went back to uni for year 3, after yet again leaving her room like a shit pit.
Cleared it completely, decorated it for dd3. Moved dd1s stuff into the smallest room

You've allowed this to happen and you're continuing to allow it to happen

I feel so sorry for your poor son

Agreed @Goldfoot.

I am actually proud of raising such a genuine, caring and likeable man. He lives in his own 21 year old world obviously but having been a chaotic, messy 21 yr old myself I don't expect him to prioritise my 47 yr old agenda.

He does all his own housekeeping, ie, I leave him to it. If I don't hear from him I don't include him in the meal and he makes a toastie.

I'm not infantilising him...I'm letting him get on.

i think the op has two sons in one room and a dd in another, so they are kind of stuck

She’ll treat you how you let her treat you I’m afraid.

I’ve not done dinner for her before and she’s had a hissy fit!

So?

I suspect this is exactly why she behaves as she does now, because you’ve spent her entire life trying to placate her and doing what she wants so she “doesn’t have a hissy fit”.

This is a situation of your own making.

I'd give her a week to pack up her stuff in her room into boxes or suitcases to store in the loft or for her to take elsewhere, then next weekend you move one of the boys into her room and on the odd occasion that she stays she can sleep on the couch .

Really? She's 25 - old enough to have her own house and fund her own lifestyle, then?

Op, she's really rude and inconsiderate. I'd ask her to move out, especially since you need the room.

How long ago was that and where was it? Someone on £13,000 (or the equivalent today) in London or in much of the South of England has no chance today of renting a place with or without a boyfriend.

At 25 she's grown up and independent, you need to stop cooking her meals and stop questioning her, I get it it's hard especially like you say the driving part but you need to let go and leave her to him, she probably feels like your still treating her like a child and holding her back.

OP, I would move your DS into her room today. If she doesn’t like it, she can move out. I’d tell her it’s happening by 11am, and if she wants you not going through her stuff she needs to have it all out by 2pm. DS would be ensconced in her room by 6pm.
if she’s reasonable, she’ll appreciated that her little brother would love the space and she barely uses it. If she’s not reasonable, that’s if little relevance because it’s your house and free-loading comes with disappointments now and then!

I think you need to treat her like a lodger. She pays her way. She keeps her room tidy. She cleans up after herself in kitchen. She lets you know if she wants dinner but if she doesn’t, you don’t include her in dinner plans.

if she doesn’t comply with the rules then she gets notice to find alternative accommodation. Have a conversation with her with your DH where you both set out the house rules from now.

She is an adult not a teenager. You wouldn’t check up on her whereabouts if she was living elsewhere, would you? I can understand it’s difficult but you have to be strong here as she is not being respectful at all.

You’d think this wouldn’t you

Sadly in the exact same situation.

At 25 she needs to grow up and stop acting like a brat!

I would say unless you specifically say you'll be eating with us I will assume you're eating out.

I'm currently going through this with DS18, he left college and so now he pays board, this is non negotiable. No meals are prepared unless he tells me he'll be in.

The respectfully informing us of his movements, untidy room and bomb site of a kitchen late at night is still ongoing and yet to be resolved!

At 25, she needs to pay rent, cook for and do her own shopping

She's treating you like a housemate so you treat her the same back

It does an adult no favours to be treated like a child, with everything paid for and lodging provided. In addition, in this case it seems there are no bounds either.

She is old enough to stand on her own two feet. Give her a month’s notice to move out. Don’t worry about what she wants on where (she has plenty of options). Then, hopefully, you can build a respectful adult relationship with her.