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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is disgraceful behaviour for an adult, right?

267 replies

HettyHetUp · 09/07/2023 00:44

DD 25 still living at home (unfortunately).

She insists she can’t afford to move out. Doesn’t want to move in with bf. Lots of issues about her cleaning up after herself, not doing anything around the house generally.

She regularly stays at bfs or other friends overnight. Sometimes not letting me know until I text her to ask if she’s coming home.

She regularly doesn’t answer phone or texts asking if she’s back for dinner.

I’d rather she just bugger off actually so DS can have her room which is only slept in half the week and still looks like a bomb site.

Last night (Friday) she said she was staying at a friends and would be back in the morning. Didn’t show which is not usual. I text her at 6pm asking if she’d be back for dinner, no response. Tried calling her during the evening but her phone goes straight to voicemail. No response to later texts.

She’s a relatively new driver so knows I worry if she doesn’t answer.

AIBU to think if you live with other people you let them what you’re doing so they don’t worry that something might have happened to you no matter how old you are?

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 09/07/2023 08:33

Stop making her meals. Stop checking where she is and when she's coming in. And give her notice. She needs to move out. Set a date and stick to it.

GeriatricMumma · 09/07/2023 08:34

Give her notice to move out. She's a grown up and you don't want her there anymore as she is disruptive.

Humpobottomous · 09/07/2023 08:35

I would expect anyone living with me to reply to my messages to let me know they’re ok - regardless of how old they are.

JudgeRudy · 09/07/2023 08:36

I think irrespective of exactly what's she's said or done (or not done) you don't really want her there. Whilst in an ideal world it would be preferential for the child to dictate when they were ready to leave home, that doesn't always work out.
There are a couple of issues thst need addressing now. You've decided that your son should get her room.Tell her and give her a time line to clear the room. Maybe help by getting some boxes but make it clear that on X date you will be redecorating ready for son to move in. If she doesn't box her bits and sort her stuff, you'll do it and will be deciding what's worth keeping. Short term, she can store some belongings in son's old room until she secures accomodation. Re food - she's 25 and living an independent life. You don't need to cook for her. Maybe on the odd occasion have a shared meal. I'd suggest once son is in the room her 'board' is reduced as essentially all you're doing is storing her belongings short term. You need a time line for this, eg I'm not expecting board this month/I'm putting it to one side so you can use it towards a deposit/first month's rent. Is your son at school? Maybe end of summer holidays could be the deadline.
Of course, there's always the option of your daughter staying a little longer if she abides by your rules...so board for the other room and no meals. I do think you're being unrealistic to expect her to keep you informed where she is and what she's doing though. I'd imagine her plans tend to be pretty fluid.

Mamabear2424 · 09/07/2023 08:46

Id ask if she was here for dinner and if no, or don't hear just leave it. I don't ask my early 20's if they are coming back or not now, id like a text of course but don't hassle them, the only annoying thing is if i have made a meal so understand you there, that's the only bit that gets me.
Sounds like she has zero respect, at 25 i think its time to say she needs to get her own place, even if its renting a room in a shared house, as not fair on you with this attitude and her brothers having to share.

SideWonder · 09/07/2023 08:50

Stop including her in plans for the evening meal. She'll work it out soon enough.

Est1990 · 09/07/2023 08:51

Sit down and have an honest conversation...25 year old should not behave like (some) teenagers do.
Be kind but put your foot down. Make a plan and stick with it.
She sounds immature for her age and you need to help her sooner rather than later.

AmilyChestnut · 09/07/2023 08:51

Lay down some rules. And swap her and ds bedrooms so your child who is there full time can benefit from the better bedroom.

Tell her tea is at X time, and put it in the oven if she's not there

And as someone living under your roof you expect her to let you know if she's coming home or not.

5128gap · 09/07/2023 08:53

You have two choices here:
You either all accept that she is a fully iindependent adult who is living in your house like a lodger, in which case she fends for herself as far as meals are concerned and occupies the room the rest of the family has spare (your DS current room)
Or, she lives as a member of the family. So, turns up for meals or gives notice in advance she doesn't require them, and conforms to the courtesy within the family of letting others know she is safe.
Either can work, but at the moment she is doing the first and you the second.

Mamabear2424 · 09/07/2023 08:53

DreamTheMoors · 09/07/2023 07:05

When I turned 18, my mum said “school or work - either way, you’re outta here.”
And she meant it.
45 days later I was outta there, living with 2 roommates in a flat.

It’s seriously time for a “you’re outta here” chat of your own, @HettyHetUp- your daughter is 25.

thats harsh - i presume you dont have a close relationship with your mum............

Mamabear2424 · 09/07/2023 08:55

Goldfoot · 09/07/2023 08:00

I've got one like that too pictoosh.

He steps up whenever he's needed and is great company to have around.

The idea that any parents would change the locks on their child is bonkers. I can only assume that parents who suggest it currently have perfect 5yos who love "helping" and will look back and cringe at their naivety when they actually get to this stage

Show quote history

100% agree

speluncean · 09/07/2023 08:57

Yup same - as if I'm going to bag up my kids stuff and set it on the step and change the locks.

I wonder about the parents who say that. If you do that your relationship with your adult child is over.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 09/07/2023 08:57

She's 25 but wants to be treated as a child when it suits her

Stop checking up on her, she's 25 and doesn't need to tell you when she's got home, gone out etc

Set a time limit, the doors will be locked at 11pm weekdays and midnight weekends, if she's not home by then she can make other arrangements

She doesn't get made food unless expressly asks you to do so. The minute she doesn't arrive and you have to bin her food that privilege goes in the bin too

She pays rent

She moves into the smaller room so your 2 dc have a larger space to share

The above is none negotiable, if she doesn't like it she gets her own place

Come on OP, grow a backbone and teach your adult dc about boundaries

speluncean · 09/07/2023 08:58

Why can't you just give her a key and let her come and go as she please, as long as she's not walloping around waking the house?

Why would you try to give an adult a curfew?

MrsRachelDanvers · 09/07/2023 08:58

5128gap · 09/07/2023 08:53

You have two choices here:
You either all accept that she is a fully iindependent adult who is living in your house like a lodger, in which case she fends for herself as far as meals are concerned and occupies the room the rest of the family has spare (your DS current room)
Or, she lives as a member of the family. So, turns up for meals or gives notice in advance she doesn't require them, and conforms to the courtesy within the family of letting others know she is safe.
Either can work, but at the moment she is doing the first and you the second.

This is so true. My daughter lives with us and we cook meals and eat as a family. I’d be very upset if she didn’t let us know she wouldn’t be around. And shock horror, we even have each other on find my friends not because I want to snoop but on the odd occasion she stays out without letting us know beforehand, I can see where she is and not worry. She can see where I am too and I really don’t care.
You are putting up with being treated shabbily. As the above poster says, you are treating her like family, she isn’t. Tell her you’ll charge her for the uneaten food and for a cleaner.

Nellynoowhoareyou · 09/07/2023 09:02

She’s very disrespectful. And she’s 25, she should have grown out of it by now! I would lay down some rules and tell her you’re not putting up with the unnecessary stress anymore. Either tow the line like an adult child living under your roof, or bugger off!

LivingDeadGirlUK · 09/07/2023 09:02

If she wants to live like a lodger then she needs to pay rent and sort her own cooking and cleaning out.

Fandabedodgy · 09/07/2023 09:03

Start treating her like a lodger. Stop
Making her dinner, no doing her washing etc. she gets to come and go.

Presumably she pays you rent?

saraclara · 09/07/2023 09:06

She's an adult. So tell her that as an adult she gets to pay rent and take an equal share of the household chores. And if she's not prepared to do so, she needs to move out. Put a deadline on it.

Without actively shaming her, ask her what, as a teen, she thought her life would be as an adult. Was it living with her parents? Or was it having her own place, privacy, and base to socialise and bring people back to?

WaitingForNothingGood · 09/07/2023 09:10

Do you do your daughters laundry?
Does she pay rent?
Does she work full time?

I do think it's weird you do her cooking for her but the most wierd thing is the reason you do it is because she has a hissy fit when you didn't. That's just silly.

You (and your husband ) sound so passive. If my kids left a mess in the kitchen they had to clean it up - they had to as kids and they have to as adults. - mine have now left home.

Wanting to know where she is isn't that wierd but texting and worrying so much is.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 09/07/2023 09:18

If she's not home don't cook for her - if she has a hissy fit ignore her - like you would a tantrumming toddler. That way you don't have to be chasing around to find out whether she's home for dinner or not and can just get on with your day.
Both my two sons age 22 and 24 have moved back home due to the cost of rent - they both shop and cook for themselves and do their own laundry.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/07/2023 09:19

"AIBU to think if you live with other people you let them *know what you’re doing so they don’t worry that something might have happened to you no matter how old you are?"

Not in all cases, no. When I lived with my parents I did tell them if I was away overnight so they know to bolt the door, but I made my own meals. When living with housemates I don't report on my whereabouts to anyone so it's not an automatic thing that if you live with someone you should have to report where you are all the time. You can impose it I suppose, but it's not a blanket rule.

fishonabicycle · 09/07/2023 09:23

My son is back and forth from Nottingham (he's 22 and has just finished university). Whenever he is home he lets us know whether he will be here for dinn/sleeping - it's common courtesy and hardly arduous. Stop bothering about her. Don't cook for her. She's acting like a spoilt child.

Jibo · 09/07/2023 09:24

TWENTY-FIVE? There are many women on here younger that who are running their own households with jobs and young children.

Bag up her stuff and kick her out! Or at least move her out of her bedroom - where does your DS sleep at the moment, can't you swap them over next time she goes AWOL? And stop cooking for her whether she's home or not. Make the nest less comfortable. Your job is to support her to live as a functional and independent adult, not to baby her forever.

SlashBeef · 09/07/2023 09:26

Jibo · 09/07/2023 09:24

TWENTY-FIVE? There are many women on here younger that who are running their own households with jobs and young children.

Bag up her stuff and kick her out! Or at least move her out of her bedroom - where does your DS sleep at the moment, can't you swap them over next time she goes AWOL? And stop cooking for her whether she's home or not. Make the nest less comfortable. Your job is to support her to live as a functional and independent adult, not to baby her forever.

This! I'm aghast. I had 2 very young kids at 25. I can't imagine behaving like an overgrown teenager at that age.