This is disgraceful behaviour for an adult, right?

[HettyHetUp]

DD 25 still living at home (unfortunately).

She insists she can’t afford to move out. Doesn’t want to move in with bf. Lots of issues about her cleaning up after herself, not doing anything around the house generally.

She regularly stays at bfs or other friends overnight. Sometimes not letting me know until I text her to ask if she’s coming home.

She regularly doesn’t answer phone or texts asking if she’s back for dinner.

I’d rather she just bugger off actually so DS can have her room which is only slept in half the week and still looks like a bomb site.

Last night (Friday) she said she was staying at a friends and would be back in the morning. Didn’t show which is not usual. I text her at 6pm asking if she’d be back for dinner, no response. Tried calling her during the evening but her phone goes straight to voicemail. No response to later texts.

She’s a relatively new driver so knows I worry if she doesn’t answer.

AIBU to think if you live with other people you let them what you’re doing so they don’t worry that something might have happened to you no matter how old you are?

This

Very frustrating OP.?like others have said, give notice of the change in house rules, swap rooms, have strong boundaries and She should contribute to the household in both the financial and living cost. At 25 she should know better.

It sounds like she has a pretty chaotic lifestyle all round. Given that she has had drink and drug issues, loses her keys, has had a succession of jobs, has a very nasty temper and has threatened to harm herself, I wonder if there is something going on in her life which makes her so unreliable and volatile. Is the relationship with her boyfriend part of the problem? Is he working and has he got his own accommodation or does he live with his parents too?

Not when you are in the middle of an argument but at a quiet and relatively conflict-free moment, is it possible to have a calm conversation with her to find out if there is some underlying problem that makes her so uncooperative and unpleasant? Rather than rant about how lazy and unfair she is (though I can quite understand why you might do this), perhaps if you explained how you feel - confused, exhausted, sad, worried about her - she might respond better.

I would be surprised if it's just a case of her being "spoilt". Having said that, you should not be enabling such immature and disrespectful behaviour, for instance by lending her significant sums of money, particularly as she has made no effort to pay any of it back.. She is old enough to sort her own food out ("hissy fit" or not), clear up any mess she makes and keep her room in a reasonably tidy state.

It seems that you are your husband are not united in your approach. It appears that you have been the one to try and lay down the law (perhaps because her behaviour affects you more, I don't know), whereas your husband doesn't want to rock the boat. If you presented a united front, rather than her being able to convince herself that it's just Mum who is being unreasonable, she might pay more attention.

Give her 60 days to get out, and mean it. Otherwise, stop complaining about the terrible you're enabling.

I know! Needs at least half a dozen 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 plus a couple of 🙄🙄 finishing off with a big 🤪. Talk about not seeing the big picture. What to do with chicken breast FFS???

She’s 25, not 15
Charge her “rent” to cover the cost of bills, not food, and let her live her life. Why are you cooking for her? If she’s not there when you cook, and doesn’t let you know if she’ll be home, then she can sort out her own dinner. I hope you don’t do her laundry either.

She needs to move out. Set clear expectations of timeframe that she can work towards and how she needs to act if she wants to live at home up until that point. She isn't going to meet a life partner like this. It sounds like she has another 10 years of growing up to do that haven't happened yet.

Don’t want her at home but still babying her? She is 25 and doesn’t need to turn up for family dinners. Just stop cooking for her and trying to keep control

What are her mental health problems? She sounds a lot like me friend who was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. Poor decision making, difficulty holding down a job, lack of impulse control, drink and drug problems etc. My friend has been massively helped by therapy and medication and wishes she could have had an earlier diagnosis as it held her back so much in life. I imagine this situation is very painful and stressful for you though.

That made me laugh! Those proprietors were very strict, as though they were doing you a favour for staying there. The ones in London and Edinburgh in the 70s were just the same.

Treat it like she's renting a room and seeing to herself... dont stress about her dinners or if she's coming home ..

As for tidying up just crack on with it or chuck it in her room from a distance. Close the door and breathe....

I don’t even live with my parents and haven’t for 26 years… but I still message them just to touch base and if I’m going on holiday I text to say we’ve arrived safely, if I’m out late I text and let them know I’m home … even if they don’t check till morning at least they know I got home safely

I would also just tell her that your decoration her room for the son as she’s barely ever there and that she can have the smaller room. Also if she can afford a car and afford to drive it then she can afford to pay you rent. I hope she does!

When I was over 18 and still living at home I always let my parents know if I wasn't coming home and didn't have a mobile till I was about 22 so no it's not unreasonable to expect for her to let you know what is happening. Have to wonder why when she doesn't pull her weight yer still cooking for her? Please say ya don't do her washing etc

Now we know why she stays out so much if this is your general attitude on your daughter growing up and finding her self.
DO NOT FORCE HER TO LIVE WITH A MAN SHE CLEARLY ISNT READY TO LIVE WITH Assume she's out until she is in

How are you doing OP? I hope you are ok as all this is v stressful for you. I don't have a 25 year old yet but only a few years off that and i wouldn't want to cope with such awful behaviour and attitude she has. I would be talking and suggesting a room in a shared house she may be able to afford as this cannot continue, BUT you need your husband with this too.

Can i add - i'd just get the spare keys cut and save the hassle of her waking you up