How bad a parent do I look now to school/Headteacher?

[TheAwfulMumWhoDidLetHimKnow]

DD is 9, Y4. Has SN and a medical condition. She has come a long way in the 5 years she’s been at Primary School.

Today she had a choir concert with school. She was anxious about it but so excited, she was singing for the whole town.

Its her dad’s weekend to have her, and I told him about the concert on an email, what time I had to drop her off, what time she was singing and then when and where to meet me to collect – School don’t know ExH as he never picks up from school, ever. I then sent him another text with the same information on this morning.

ExH didn’t turn up. He does this a lot, doesn’t turn up for stuff if he can’t be bothered – so far this year he’s missed Sports Day, a girlguiding event where she was flag bearer, her Brownies Christmas Carol Concert and her school choirs easter church service. All things she really wanted him there for but then he also always blames me saying I didn’t tell him or he didn’t know when it was despite being on schools emailing list for letters and newsletters and me letting him know.

Towards the end of her singing bit, I could see her getting upset and she didn’t manage to do her solo she’d built up to and was excited for.

When I went to collect her, she started shouting and screaming at me that I hadn’t told Dad when and where it was or he’d be there and now she hates me. She then started hitting me. Headteacher and head of KS2 (who’s also the choir lead) both walked over to us, HT bent down and put her hands on DDs shoulders (not roughly) and bluntly said “It’s ok to be upset but while you are wearing school uniform, I will not allow you to hit anyone”, DD then started crying probably thinking she was in trouble and panicking then started shouting again that it wasn’t fair as I should have told Dad to be there. HOKS2 took her off for a calm down and HT told me to give them a few minutes – which I did.

ExH then turns up, a full 30 minutes after she’d finished singing, walked straight up to DD and the HOKS2 and claimed he didn’t know when it was, he wasn’t told. HT confirmed with me he was her dad and then they let ExH take DD off to his for the weekend.

She is never like that at school. She gets a bit giggly when she’s nervous, and can be cheeky to staff but I’ve been told it’s typical 9year old behaviour and “of no great concern”. I feel awful, I had told her dad when it was and like I said he is on the schools mailing list, so he will have received exactly the same emails as me about it.

She’s text me since getting to her dads to say she knows I didn’t tell him and she hates me.

I feel like the worst mum in the world, because I couldn’t make ExH be there when he should be. And then DD blamed me for it even though I have tried to let him know.

I’m also ashamed she started hitting me in front of her headteacher and worried they now think I’m the awful RP who never lets the NRP know when and where something is happening.

Ah mate.

You KNOW this isn’t on you.

Absolutely stop blaming yourself for his failings and direct your ire at the scumbag.

Personally I would follow up with the school next week and make it very clear that he is on their mailing list, plus you told him, and he has form for letting your daughter down in this way.

I would also show your daughter the texts and emails where you told him - I know she is a child but your ex is playing games with her and she needs to know you are on her side.

I would absolutely show her the texts so she knows it's not your fault.

Why don’t you show DD the messages you sent EX? To prove that you told him the correct information?

I would send an email to the school saying "I am truly mortified at the situation that happened the other day. I would like to make you aware that I communicated the date and time to her dad. More to the point, he is also on the school mailing list and his email address is xxxxx@hotmail or whatever. Please double check your records because I do not want you to think that he didn't know about it."

I would have to address it myself because I would certainly be concerned about what they thought of the set up otherwise.

Yes hard agree with the others, you need to tell the school and daughter that you did share the information, especially daughter. She's going to be upset but it's better for her to not be manipulated and upset.

Agree. Send screenshots to your daughter now so she see the mistake she has made. Hugs to you!

Don't worry about what the staff members think. They'll have seen worse!

Yes I don't get any you can't just send her screenshots of your messages?

Will show her the texts when she;s home tomorrow and will also email school.

I am always at these types of things, I rearrange work around it because I know how much it means to DD. I just feel awful for her, that he has 1) let her down again and 2) will make out it's my fault.

It’s all on email. Just defend yourself. And get the school to put him on the mailing list. Once you take the excuse away from him that he never gets told about anything then he might start turning up more (but probably not)

Just a question? Why wait to show her the texts when she probably getting angrier and her Dad is probably playing it up?

I am so sorry this happened to you both. I hope your DD is recovering now.

She can lash out at you because you are reliable and safe and you prove that you love her every day. Her dad’s love must feel very fragile, maybe even conditional. Does she know that he gets the same notices from school that you do? I think it’s fine that she should. It doesn’t help anything for her to believe lies. Confining the discussion to the notices, at least at first, keeps away from the ‘He said, she said’ go round that your DD might find painful.

Do the HT and HOKST know that het dad gets the notices and furthermore you remind him? The entire situation probably warrants an email to one of them expressing your concern, maybe asking for advice, and in your shoes I would definitely be dropping these facts into that email.

This sounds so painful for you both. Best wishes

School will know this is on him. If he didnt know where or when, how did he know where to collect her from?

(((HUG)))

Theyve seen it all before & most of them aren't stupid!!

id make an appointment with the HT & than her for helping calm DD down. Explain the issue you have with her Dad saying/telling DD you didn't tell him & how it's really affecting your relationship with her. Explain how you go to great lengths to tell him for DD's sake! (If they're friendly & receptive, show them the messages you sent him) and let them know he is on the school notification system as you are

AND if he 'didn't know' why did he go to that location instead of your usual arrangements??

THEN I'd write him an email and tell him if he doesn't up his game & let you know if he's turning up at events or not (so you can manage DD's behaviour) & stop blaming you for his shortcomings (which only upsets DD) then you will be taking further action.

I'd STOP protecting DD from the dipshit behaviour if the twat!! She needs to know YOU have her best interests at heart ALL the time. She's 9 & even with SN us old enough to know her Dad is a nob!! You can even show her your messages informing him of concerts etc.

he's a wanker!! Thank gid he's at least an Ex!!

This is 100% not on you, your DD probably knows it too but it’s easier to be angry at you than admit to herself that her dad couldn’t be bothered to get there. For future ask that the school email info to him as well (not that it will make a difference anyway) but it takes away the need for you to pass messages on. Your dd knows you were there for her, so don’t take to heart what she says in anger.

I would show dd the texts and remind her you're on her side and she can count on you. I suspect she knows that and that's why she's letting out all her upset feelings about her dad on you. I honestly wouldn't worry about the school. They know that your dd's dad can get emails straight from them and come to events if he wants to be involved. It won't be you they're judging it will be him for letting his dd down.

@poetryandwine I have told her before that he's on the mailing lists, because he asked me when she started school who he needed to speak to to ask that information and he's told me before "I got the letter on email about such and such a trip" without me mentioning it.

I will screenshot and send the messages but I'm sure he'll excuse it away, like he always does.

As a teacher I would not presume that yiu hadn't told dad nor would I presume you were an awful.parent. he sounds like an absolute prick. Although it would be tempting to vilify him to daughter, resist the temptation but let her know u did tell dad. Like others said, show her the email if necessary. I.wiukd also double check with the school.they have all dad's details
He could do this , but no doubt won't. When she had calmed down I would speak to her about sending such messages to u. Take care OP and try and have a good weekend. Your annoyance will fail but he will no doubt continue to be a dick

Poor kiddo.

I think, as gently as you can, you need to show her the truth, text messages etc. Separately I'd seek a meeting with the school and tell them exactly what's going on.

OP, Wow. I’ve changed my mind. I’m with everyone else: show DD the texts reminding her dad. But be prepared that she will have difficulty processing them, because to take in that he screws up with her so consistently leads to the question (for a child) of how much he loves her. Unbearable.

She knows you love her, so it is safe to redirect her anger to you. Hell of a compliment, isn’t it?

I'm sure she knows deep down what has happened, but kids lash out at their mums when they're hurt and insecure. It's not much help to you, though.

I think your plan of gently showing her the texts and mails is good. Let her know that you wouldn't ever forget her, you wouldn't forget to tell her dad, you love her and are doing your best.

She will be furious with you, but you know that's because the real cause of her anger keeps her hanging by an emotional thread and she's terrified that if her real feelings come out, her dad might just leave. She knows you won't so she can take that risk with you. Try to see it as an endorsement of the love and security you give her.

@poetryandwine I will always love her, and I am so very proud of her. It is a compliment really you're right.

They know he's ignoring the emails and messages and think he's an utter prick, don't worry.

You could have a word with the DSL/SENDCO about how this deliberate gameplaying is damaging your DD's emotional welfare and what can be done to try and make this less painful for her. It's a concern for them - he's deliberately hurting her in the process of trying to make you out as the villain in the piece.

@StephanieSuperpowers Thank you, I will always love her and I am really proud of her.

Will definitely show her and will have a chat with her head of KS as well.