How bad a parent do I look now to school/Headteacher?

[TheAwfulMumWhoDidLetHimKnow]

DD is 9, Y4. Has SN and a medical condition. She has come a long way in the 5 years she’s been at Primary School.

Today she had a choir concert with school. She was anxious about it but so excited, she was singing for the whole town.

Its her dad’s weekend to have her, and I told him about the concert on an email, what time I had to drop her off, what time she was singing and then when and where to meet me to collect – School don’t know ExH as he never picks up from school, ever. I then sent him another text with the same information on this morning.

ExH didn’t turn up. He does this a lot, doesn’t turn up for stuff if he can’t be bothered – so far this year he’s missed Sports Day, a girlguiding event where she was flag bearer, her Brownies Christmas Carol Concert and her school choirs easter church service. All things she really wanted him there for but then he also always blames me saying I didn’t tell him or he didn’t know when it was despite being on schools emailing list for letters and newsletters and me letting him know.

Towards the end of her singing bit, I could see her getting upset and she didn’t manage to do her solo she’d built up to and was excited for.

When I went to collect her, she started shouting and screaming at me that I hadn’t told Dad when and where it was or he’d be there and now she hates me. She then started hitting me. Headteacher and head of KS2 (who’s also the choir lead) both walked over to us, HT bent down and put her hands on DDs shoulders (not roughly) and bluntly said “It’s ok to be upset but while you are wearing school uniform, I will not allow you to hit anyone”, DD then started crying probably thinking she was in trouble and panicking then started shouting again that it wasn’t fair as I should have told Dad to be there. HOKS2 took her off for a calm down and HT told me to give them a few minutes – which I did.

ExH then turns up, a full 30 minutes after she’d finished singing, walked straight up to DD and the HOKS2 and claimed he didn’t know when it was, he wasn’t told. HT confirmed with me he was her dad and then they let ExH take DD off to his for the weekend.

She is never like that at school. She gets a bit giggly when she’s nervous, and can be cheeky to staff but I’ve been told it’s typical 9year old behaviour and “of no great concern”. I feel awful, I had told her dad when it was and like I said he is on the schools mailing list, so he will have received exactly the same emails as me about it.

She’s text me since getting to her dads to say she knows I didn’t tell him and she hates me.

I feel like the worst mum in the world, because I couldn’t make ExH be there when he should be. And then DD blamed me for it even though I have tried to let him know.

I’m also ashamed she started hitting me in front of her headteacher and worried they now think I’m the awful RP who never lets the NRP know when and where something is happening.

I have autism, so does my dd.

If the situation ever deteriorated to the point of a complete meltdown, that may be considered by some an excuse for physical aggression.

BUT in that case the head teacher getting involved would not have immediately stopped the violence. This girl knew exactly who she could hit and get away with it.

This, 100%. Send screenshots of the text messages. She needs to know that this isn't on you.

They will know. HT's and teachers go through horrible messy divorces and have nasty ex's as well,you know . They just are professional and can sort stuff in these situations for the children. Write them an email as pp mentioned ,but don't be too worried, as they know what happens in separations and their focus is on the children.

@Tantaijin This isn't her usual meltdown behaviour. Her meltdowns are usually, shouting and screaming then shutting down and crying without being able to speak. And it's HofKS2 she'd be sent to when she's going into one at school as her classroom is right near the sensory room where they put DD, let her have her moment and then talk to her to see if there was anything that triggered it.

She never normally hits so I don't think this was meltdown although it could be the verge of. She knows I don't accept hitting and I would have done very similar to what the headteacher did had she not stepped in.

Your daughter is old enough to understand text messages, show her the exchange between you and her father and explain that you had told him and that that proves it.

I’d do what @aperolspritzbasicbitch said re school and emails but I’d not bother school further - he’s not the first selfish fucker dad they’ve seen, I’m sure they’ve got his number.

I’ve got two kids with SN - you need to talk to your dd about hitting you. Mine hit me when they are angry too but I always talk to them after and talk about what they can do instead to manage their feelings and they say sorry, and the same needs to happen for the verbal I hate you nastiness too.

I’m not sure I’d show her the texts mostly as it’ll just be more he said/she said - he’ll come up with some other confusing crap to manipulate her. I would get her to text him next time from her phone, and agree that with her so she can tell him.

Talk to the school and talk to your daughter showing both the messages.

The school need to know for two reasons

Firstly it possibly presents a safeguarding issue for your daughter and secondly they may need to help with the emotional impact of this.

Blaming this on you is emotional abuse and coercive control to try and turn your daughter against you.

You need this on record with the school. And for your own protection.

100% this

And he's asked for you to be completely honest about it because he's LYING to her about YOU and YOUR actions to make himself look good and you look bad.

Tell her and show her. All of it.

And I'd let the Head know too under the guise of asking if more support can be made available since her father's behaviour is clearly triggering violence and upset. You need help and suggestions on how to get it for both of you.

Set up a whats app group with you, DD, and ex. Put all the details on there about where, when, etc. You will never again have ex claiming you haven’t told him and dd believing that you haven’t told him because it will be there for all 3 of you to see.

OP this ^ I'm really sorry, for you and DD
Really good idea from another pp, get dd text or call him if there are events she wants him to attend. Just say, then you know for sure he's been told.
Don't send screen shots to her though, show her the messages when she comes home so she can talk through it.
And keep showing up. She'll learn eventually, who is there for her when she needs it.

But tell her when she gets home not via text whilst she is still at her dad's.

I'd use the time she's away to be kind to yourself and relax OP, you did nothing wrong and you know it really.

In this situation I would speak to her when she came home, explain that you understand that it felt embarrassing and upsetting in the moment but we cannot lash out at people before we know the full facts, or at all in the way that she did. I would show her that he had the same information you did and the messages but explain for whatever reason was late and that you would like an apology for the hitting. Remind her that you are on her side, and want her dad to support her and move on to doing something nice.

It's much easier for her to blame you than to accept the reality that he doesn't give a shit.

I agree with PPs who've suggested you contact the school to explain the situation, they're definitely used to post-split issues like this.

I would show her the text but try not to hurt her further. Say daddy must not have read it....

I'd also quietly but firmly make it clear to her that it's not YOUR job to sort your ex's attendance at her events. he is on all the mailing lists, just like you are, and is refusing to calendar them himself like you do. he's a grown up and a parent but is refusing to act like one. He'd rather blame you, and you're not going to accept such blame from either of them.

If you're going to keep reminding your ex about your daughter's evens, then I'd also tell your ex you're going to open an email account for your daughter and cc her on every single email you send him about her events -time, dates, length, etc. And that you're going to screenshot and send texts and any other message as well to the account. Every. Single. one. So he can't say you didn't.

I agree that you should share the messages you sent to Ex with DD when she gets home. She does need to know the truth, even if the truth isn't nice - all you can do is do it as gently as possible.

I think too that the pp who suggested getting DD to send him some of the messages herself on a going forward basis might well be onto something too. Why not? At least then she knows for sure that they were sent because she will have done it herself. Even when it is you sending the messages, copy DD in with them so that there can be no doubt.

Tell Ex that you will be doing this from now on because you are no longer prepared to put up with his shit and be made out to be the baddie.

If Ex then still keeps failing to turn up then he will simply be shooting himself in the foot and confirming to all and sundry (you, the school, DD) what a dickhead he is. Yes, unfortunately it will hurt DD, but it already does. It is probably better that she gets to grips with the truth though. It is still perhaps the only thing that might just make him pull his socks up and stop dicking about.

To add to all the other texts, I'd send ' because you didn't bother to show up despite me repeatedly informing you of it, dd was too upset to perform. Grow up and stop breaking her heart. She is your child."
He should be called out totally bluntly on the damage he is doing to her.

Hard no. He's not playing fair and happily hurting her while blaming her mother.

This needs to stop.

Show her the messages and emails you sent to her Dad. She is old enough to see them and be told that her Dad is being manipulative and unkind towards you by doing this and you won’t accept it.

School were probably shocked and trying to help you de-escalate. I would follow up with them, but I’m sure they are just thinking her dad is a huge piece of shit honestly. If he was 30 minutes late then he did know about being at school that day and most of us have enough experience with lazy men to know not to blame the women in their lives. Don’t sweat it.

I would talk to school about options for your daughter to speak to someone. What her Dad is doing is really damaging and I had a Dad like that growing up and it would make me feel sick to listen to my Mum being slagged off. My mum was always honest with me and so I knew my Dad was a liar. I had NC with him from the age of 14 because he wasn’t interested in raising a teenager. Protect your child by being honest with her about who this man is. Don’t let her just idolize him at your expense.

For the future it’s worth you and DD texting him the details for things like this together. Get her to help you write the text and put her name at the bottom.

It won’t stop him being shit but hopefully it’ll stop him lying about you not telling him. It’ll feel harsh because you can predict what will happen. But, better to come to the realisation that he’s shit now with your support than in teenage years when she takes over managing contact herself…

oh, and don’t worry about school. They can see you showing up and him not. There’s no way they think it’s your fault.

I think that this is the best advice, so far:

Howdoesitworkagain · Today 16:12

Set up a whats app group with you, DD, and ex. Put all the details on there about where, when, etc. You will never again have ex claiming you haven’t told him and dd believing that you haven’t told him because it will be there for all 3 of you to see.

I would just email school and ask them to confirm he is on the mailing list as he said he wasn't aware and let them draw their own conclusions from that.
I wouldn't get into it with your daughter just tell her that you did give him the details and you don't know why he didn't see them, you don't need to get into tit for tat if you remain calm and don't say negative things about him even though its really tempting she will see for herself in time

Also this. He is an adult. You are not his secretary. He is responsible for his own management of school / after school responsibilities. Not you.