How bad a parent do I look now to school/Headteacher?

[TheAwfulMumWhoDidLetHimKnow]

DD is 9, Y4. Has SN and a medical condition. She has come a long way in the 5 years she’s been at Primary School.

Today she had a choir concert with school. She was anxious about it but so excited, she was singing for the whole town.

Its her dad’s weekend to have her, and I told him about the concert on an email, what time I had to drop her off, what time she was singing and then when and where to meet me to collect – School don’t know ExH as he never picks up from school, ever. I then sent him another text with the same information on this morning.

ExH didn’t turn up. He does this a lot, doesn’t turn up for stuff if he can’t be bothered – so far this year he’s missed Sports Day, a girlguiding event where she was flag bearer, her Brownies Christmas Carol Concert and her school choirs easter church service. All things she really wanted him there for but then he also always blames me saying I didn’t tell him or he didn’t know when it was despite being on schools emailing list for letters and newsletters and me letting him know.

Towards the end of her singing bit, I could see her getting upset and she didn’t manage to do her solo she’d built up to and was excited for.

When I went to collect her, she started shouting and screaming at me that I hadn’t told Dad when and where it was or he’d be there and now she hates me. She then started hitting me. Headteacher and head of KS2 (who’s also the choir lead) both walked over to us, HT bent down and put her hands on DDs shoulders (not roughly) and bluntly said “It’s ok to be upset but while you are wearing school uniform, I will not allow you to hit anyone”, DD then started crying probably thinking she was in trouble and panicking then started shouting again that it wasn’t fair as I should have told Dad to be there. HOKS2 took her off for a calm down and HT told me to give them a few minutes – which I did.

ExH then turns up, a full 30 minutes after she’d finished singing, walked straight up to DD and the HOKS2 and claimed he didn’t know when it was, he wasn’t told. HT confirmed with me he was her dad and then they let ExH take DD off to his for the weekend.

She is never like that at school. She gets a bit giggly when she’s nervous, and can be cheeky to staff but I’ve been told it’s typical 9year old behaviour and “of no great concern”. I feel awful, I had told her dad when it was and like I said he is on the schools mailing list, so he will have received exactly the same emails as me about it.

She’s text me since getting to her dads to say she knows I didn’t tell him and she hates me.

I feel like the worst mum in the world, because I couldn’t make ExH be there when he should be. And then DD blamed me for it even though I have tried to let him know.

I’m also ashamed she started hitting me in front of her headteacher and worried they now think I’m the awful RP who never lets the NRP know when and where something is happening.

It’s not you she’s upset with. It’s him. But she can’t take it out on him, so she takes it out on you.

I’d ask for a meeting at school, discuss how hard she finds it that her father ignores her occasions and ask them to be supportive of DD. They might be able to help her manage her emotions.

The uniform comment was not necessary.

I disagree that she is too young. She needs to know that he is getting the information, even if he is ignoring it.

The Ex needs and deserves a huge kick up the arse. He's her father yet the school see so little of him that they don't even recognise him. It's not that unusual, sadly. They'll have seen it all before, and worse I am sure.

The school staff will have seen this all before. They know he is the problem, I guarantee it. They’ll have nothing but empathy for you and DD.

At this point I would stop telling him anything and I’d tell DD that he can find out about things from school/guides himself. Yes she’s upset but I would be coming down hard on the behaviour of blaming you.

It was fine. When in school uniform in public children are representing the school. Perfectly relevant and easy for the child to understand.

I totally disagree

Going forward, I'd make a thing of "let's tell Daddy" and send the texts together.

Depending on the maturity of your dd I would either setup one of the parenting apps and put everything on there (I'd probably do this anyway) or get your daughter to send him the details of everything she wants him to come to. Sit her down with the letter or whatever and get her to text the details. That way she knows he knows. In reality she does anyway - you are her safe person. (I've been there- well I still am there..)

As far as school goes DON'T WORRY. They won't think I'll of you over 1 incident. They know what absent fathers are like, they will likely check the mail out list to see that they have his details and then say "oh he's one of those" In terms of her hitting you and the heads reaction - I'd say good one HT, it shows dd that HT does not consider it acceptable behaviour - and also that HT does not see it as acceptable given DDs SEN. At best it will have added info to whatever SEN tracking they are currently doing for her.

@TheAwfulMumWhoDidLetHimKnow in the future for an actual event you need to email your dh and immediately show your dd and say ok dad has the message.
Don’t worry too much though, she’ll realise it’s him as she gets older.

In future I would be tempted to include DD in the arrangements.

ie " DD, see this text here, I'm sending it to Dad now to tell him about parents evening/sports day" ....

It is not fair, but he is not leaving you much choice.

Also, she will work him out in the long run. But that doesn't help you much right now

It sounds awful but like you handled it well @TheAwfulMumWhoDidLetHimKnow . I really don’t think a WhatsApp group is appropriate at all with a nine year old in it, though!

Get her a phone. Set up a group with you, her dad and her. Send the messages to that group.

She doesn't need to have the phone all day or anything. Just check it o fe a day perhaps?

Why didn't you show everyone the text that you sent. You need to defend yourself, now your daughter is saying she hates you. Why carry that burden

As you are entitled to do, but others do not have to agree with you.

He's a knob

@willWillSmithsmith yes but he's left her no choice, it's that or thinking her mum is willfully excluding her father.

I would explain it to her and say that daddy isn't very well organized and he's often late for things, not just you and it's nothing you've done wrong, unfortunately there's nothing either of us can do to fix that about him, but what I can do is eg film for you to show him later if you'd like me to do that if he's late. What do you think?

Speak to class teacher and make sure the school is fully informed of arrangements. Make sure that this information goes to the next teacher. I think the Head acted really well in that situation, they are an authority figure and the child represents their school.

The uniform comment was a great tactic for the school staff to step in and defuse the situation as it sounds like OP was struggle.

Personally I would have shown the child the messages when she was saying her dad had not been told and again to the dad when he rocked up.

Honestly do not worry about the school OP! My ex constantly reported me maliciously to social services which they knew was malicious but still had to put in a call to the head to check which I was fine with, but embarassing to be head of governors and have the head bothered by his shit every other month. We had a close relationship because of this and all she did was laugh at what a shit he was. They've seen it all.

The thing you need to worry more about is his attempts to alienate you and your DD. I'd normally say the truth needs to be told in an age appropriate way without leaving yourself open to allegations of parental alienation but it sounds like you need to nip this in the bud so I'd show her the messages as proof you told him, but when ahe inevitably gets upset about the reasons why he didn't come, keep it neutral and just say you don't know

You don’t need to defend yourself!

Teachers are human and have seen worse behaviour they know your DD was anxious and this happens - It happened on a school trip and the child was normally calm and engaged - she was fuming and hit her mother - there was no questioning her parenting for an over fraught anxious 9 year old who was hot and tired!

The school will do a lot of talks about being proud to represent the school and what expeditions there are on behaviour in public - so yes - the school uniform comment was a reflection on the school rules and a nudge to that effect.

Ahe is not saying you can hit mum in your own clothes - she’s saying she isn’t impressed with her behavior whilst representing the school.

HT bent down and put her hands on DDs shoulders (not roughly) and bluntly said “It’s ok to be upset but while you are wearing school uniform, I will not allow you to hit anyone

She added I will not allow you to hit anyone -

The shoulder touching - very common technique to release pressure in their shoulders - you’ll see this a lot in schools.

I would show her the email and texts and the times that you sent them to show her you did infact let him know in advance.

Did I say they did?

You are not his PA!

He has exactly the same access to info from school that you do and as an adult is just as capable of finding out when she has events.

I would stop making it your job to keep him informed and stop trying to rescue. It was never your job even when you were married.

Do school have a policy for engaging fathers? Look at all their literature and there may be something Hidden somewhere. May be worth reminding them perhaps they should put it into practice if they do!

She is nine years old. She has a phone and she can text. The next time an event is happening, have her text her father with all the information. Then she knows that he has been informed and if he doesn't show he is hurting her, not you. Let her see what he truly is.

Op I have similar problems so understand, it is hard cause you do t want to put her in the middle but you have to stand up for yourself.

Her outburst is her expression her anger with the person she feels safest with. Tbh I would wait till she's back home to show her and talk it through