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Original poster

How bad a parent do I look now to school/Headteacher?

239 replies

TheAwfulMumWhoDidLetHimKnow · 08/07/2023 15:17

DD is 9, Y4. Has SN and a medical condition. She has come a long way in the 5 years she’s been at Primary School.

Today she had a choir concert with school. She was anxious about it but so excited, she was singing for the whole town.

Its her dad’s weekend to have her, and I told him about the concert on an email, what time I had to drop her off, what time she was singing and then when and where to meet me to collect – School don’t know ExH as he never picks up from school, ever. I then sent him another text with the same information on this morning.

ExH didn’t turn up. He does this a lot, doesn’t turn up for stuff if he can’t be bothered – so far this year he’s missed Sports Day, a girlguiding event where she was flag bearer, her Brownies Christmas Carol Concert and her school choirs easter church service. All things she really wanted him there for but then he also always blames me saying I didn’t tell him or he didn’t know when it was despite being on schools emailing list for letters and newsletters and me letting him know.

Towards the end of her singing bit, I could see her getting upset and she didn’t manage to do her solo she’d built up to and was excited for.

When I went to collect her, she started shouting and screaming at me that I hadn’t told Dad when and where it was or he’d be there and now she hates me. She then started hitting me. Headteacher and head of KS2 (who’s also the choir lead) both walked over to us, HT bent down and put her hands on DDs shoulders (not roughly) and bluntly said “It’s ok to be upset but while you are wearing school uniform, I will not allow you to hit anyone”, DD then started crying probably thinking she was in trouble and panicking then started shouting again that it wasn’t fair as I should have told Dad to be there. HOKS2 took her off for a calm down and HT told me to give them a few minutes – which I did.

ExH then turns up, a full 30 minutes after she’d finished singing, walked straight up to DD and the HOKS2 and claimed he didn’t know when it was, he wasn’t told. HT confirmed with me he was her dad and then they let ExH take DD off to his for the weekend.

She is never like that at school. She gets a bit giggly when she’s nervous, and can be cheeky to staff but I’ve been told it’s typical 9year old behaviour and “of no great concern”. I feel awful, I had told her dad when it was and like I said he is on the schools mailing list, so he will have received exactly the same emails as me about it.

She’s text me since getting to her dads to say she knows I didn’t tell him and she hates me.

I feel like the worst mum in the world, because I couldn’t make ExH be there when he should be. And then DD blamed me for it even though I have tried to let him know.

I’m also ashamed she started hitting me in front of her headteacher and worried they now think I’m the awful RP who never lets the NRP know when and where something is happening.

OP posts:
SparklingGrapeWater · 08/07/2023 15:43

@TheAwfulMumWhoDidLetHimKnow Sending you hugs. You sound like an awesome Mum!

Nicetiesandwhatnot · 08/07/2023 15:43

Don't send her texts . Once she comes home tell her that sometimes grownups lie to get out of trouble and then show her the emails you sent to her dad. Tell her you understand that she is upset. It's not your fault op. Please go easy on yourself.

mondaytosunday · 08/07/2023 15:44

To answer your title question, you don't look bad, your ex dies. Yet make sure he gets all communication from school, from the school directly. Then he had no excuses - he needs to take as much responsibility for his child as you do. When he lets her down again, explain calmly to her that he did know, and that she needs to ask him why he doesn't read what the school sends him.

Original poster
TheAwfulMumWhoDidLetHimKnow · 08/07/2023 15:46

I had to tell him about this concert as it fell on his weekend so it was up to him if she took part or not. He agreed on email to let her take part, I have that reply as well.

OP posts:
Moomuffin · 08/07/2023 15:47

Does she have a phone? If not I’d get her one and then I would get her to text him to let him know when these events are.
It might guilt him into attending and if he doesn’t then he knows the truth.

what a piece of shit he is.

Original poster
TheAwfulMumWhoDidLetHimKnow · 08/07/2023 15:48

Moomuffin · 08/07/2023 15:47

Does she have a phone? If not I’d get her one and then I would get her to text him to let him know when these events are.
It might guilt him into attending and if he doesn’t then he knows the truth.

what a piece of shit he is.

@Moomuffin She has a phone yes she text me on it today. She has her dads number but never calls or texts him, always me or my mum or my best friend.

OP posts:
aperolspritzbasicbitch · 08/07/2023 15:49

Forward the email you sent to your ex to the school, copying your ex in.

Say something along the lines of - following the unfortunate events of the weekend, can you please ensure ex's email is correctly entered in to the system, as he doesn't seem to be receiving notification of dd's events.
Please see email thread below for confirmation of the correct address.

A touch pass agg perhaps, but you have then provided them with proof that you have informed him, and you are also showing him that you aren't going to take his shit and be painted as the bad guy.

Sorry this has happened to you.

StripyHorse · 08/07/2023 15:49

I would do as other PP have said and show her the messages. I don't believe in drawing DCs into an argument, but equally, when Ex is telling her lies and that is coming between you then it is only right that you let her see the truth.

As far as school are concerned - I am pretty certain he is not the first crap NRP they have seen. I would perhaps speak to them along the lines of... "I do forward emails, and I am pretty certain you have his email address, but here it is just in case." When they go to add it to the system and see they have it they you have made your point. If it was not on the system / wrong then they can rectify.

DysmalRadius · 08/07/2023 15:49

It sounds like your daughter would rather believe that there's a reason her dad didn't turn up other than that he couldn't be arsed.

I appreciate that you want to prove to her that you told him, but it might be easier to approach it from the perspective of how it felt to her that he didn't turn up and his sometimes people let you down and it's ok to be hurt about that and want to know the reasons.

She's lashing out but you can address the underlying hurt without having to highlight that he chose not to be there for her and robbed her of that special moment.

JanglyBeads · 08/07/2023 15:50

Don't allow him space in your head OP.

School will have a very good idea as to who's in the right here.

Your main concern and their main concern should be the same thing : your DD's emotional well being. On that basis go and talk to school (do you have a parental support worker or something) about what's going on and the effects it's having on DD.

iminvestednow · 08/07/2023 15:51

I have a ND child and appreciate how hard it can be but you’re doing your child no favours by allowing her to beat you because she is cross!

Soontobe60 · 08/07/2023 15:51

I actually wouldnt show her the emails you sent to your ex because thats drawing her in to the argument between you and him. What I would do, though, is speak to your ex and remind him that unless he can suddenly ‘remember’ that you did in fact send him notification of the event, and apologise to her immediately, then you will have no choice but to show her the proof.

LolaSmiles · 08/07/2023 15:52

This is 100% not on you, your DD probably knows it too but it’s easier to be angry at you than admit to herself that her dad couldn’t be bothered to get there
This. Sadly it's a lot for a child to process that one of their parents can't be bothered to step up.

Agree with the posters about talking to school because it's likely to be the sort of situation that will affect your DD the longer it goes on.

She is probably terrified that if he barely makes an effort when she's at her best, he might disappear for good if she shows him her real feelings.

You're the dependable adult and you're her stable parent and her rock. She knows you love her unconditionally and it doesn't matter what behaviours or emotions she throws your way, you're always going to love her and be there for her. You're a brilliant mum and deep down she knows this.

Soontobe60 · 08/07/2023 15:52

iminvestednow · 08/07/2023 15:51

I have a ND child and appreciate how hard it can be but you’re doing your child no favours by allowing her to beat you because she is cross!

She wasn’t just a bit ‘cross’, she was devastated. What’s she supposed to do, internalise her emotions so she doesn’t show mum up in public?

TheGriffle · 08/07/2023 15:54

It sounds like school handed it brilliantly and so did you. Emailing or asking to speak to the head is a good idea to go through what happened and to explain your side of you want to.

Next time there is an event he needs to attend, sit with your daughter and email him together so she can see for herself that you have contacted him (even though you shouldn’t have to, I know) so when he doesn’t turn up she knows you let him know and she has no one to blame but him.

Shes lashed out at you as you are her constant and she knows she can and you will still be there. If she lashes out at him she might feel he will stop seeing her.

KingOfThieves · 08/07/2023 15:55

just send her the screenshots! She is getting older now and it just provides clarity. Just send them over along with you appreciate that she is frustrated but it isn’t fair to lash out at you and that you can discuss her it further when she is home and hopes she has a nice weekend.

HappyasLarrynot · 08/07/2023 15:55

Absolutely this.

JustMarriedBecca · 08/07/2023 15:56

I wouldn't worry about school.

In terms of your DD, I'd show her the messages and agree that from now on, she can send voice messages from your phone to him so she knows they have sent.

poetryandwine · 08/07/2023 15:56

@Soontobe60 has a good idea about giving her dad a chance to ‘fess up before you tell her. It might not work but it would be much better coming from him.

BTW you and your DD sound fantastic.

HappyasLarrynot · 08/07/2023 15:57

Sorry my random reply was in agreement with @Sapphire387

mrsbitaly · 08/07/2023 15:58

Nobodywantsme · 08/07/2023 15:23

Why don’t you show DD the messages you sent EX? To prove that you told him the correct information?

This is exactly what I was thinking.

Or better still for important events get your DD to tell him about them and she will know that he was given the info.

I'm sure the school have seen alot worse and they know your DD and will know its out of character

Tinkietot · 08/07/2023 15:59

If I thought my dad kept letting me down and he was being awful, I would take it out on someone I feel comfortable with and that’s you.

Maybe when there’s things like this again, text her dad but also give her a hand written note with the time and date to pass to the dad. Then she physically knows he knows. There no way you can ever be blamed…..although you probably will still be blamed at least you are slowly showing her that’s it’s not you.

nevynevster · 08/07/2023 16:00

Personally I'd write to him, forwarding your message and say that you had told him and he needs to set DD straight. And furthermore if he doesn't, you will yourself and you won't be reminding him in future so he'll have to sort himself out by reading all the emails.

And don't worry, the HT seems like they will work out the real situation!

5128gap · 08/07/2023 16:03

The school will know that it is on them not you to inform him of school events, and will know they have done so. It won't be the first time they've witnessed this sort of performance from a NRP, so please don't feel judged. Their opinion of you will be formed by now.
I think in future I'd show DD the messages I was sending to her dad about events, maybe even encouraging her to send her own. Obviously it's a bit of a poisoned chalice because then she will know he isn't bothered, which will hurt her. But that's the reality, and you can't keep letting him hide behind you.