How bad a parent do I look now to school/Headteacher?

[TheAwfulMumWhoDidLetHimKnow]

DD is 9, Y4. Has SN and a medical condition. She has come a long way in the 5 years she’s been at Primary School.

Today she had a choir concert with school. She was anxious about it but so excited, she was singing for the whole town.

Its her dad’s weekend to have her, and I told him about the concert on an email, what time I had to drop her off, what time she was singing and then when and where to meet me to collect – School don’t know ExH as he never picks up from school, ever. I then sent him another text with the same information on this morning.

ExH didn’t turn up. He does this a lot, doesn’t turn up for stuff if he can’t be bothered – so far this year he’s missed Sports Day, a girlguiding event where she was flag bearer, her Brownies Christmas Carol Concert and her school choirs easter church service. All things she really wanted him there for but then he also always blames me saying I didn’t tell him or he didn’t know when it was despite being on schools emailing list for letters and newsletters and me letting him know.

Towards the end of her singing bit, I could see her getting upset and she didn’t manage to do her solo she’d built up to and was excited for.

When I went to collect her, she started shouting and screaming at me that I hadn’t told Dad when and where it was or he’d be there and now she hates me. She then started hitting me. Headteacher and head of KS2 (who’s also the choir lead) both walked over to us, HT bent down and put her hands on DDs shoulders (not roughly) and bluntly said “It’s ok to be upset but while you are wearing school uniform, I will not allow you to hit anyone”, DD then started crying probably thinking she was in trouble and panicking then started shouting again that it wasn’t fair as I should have told Dad to be there. HOKS2 took her off for a calm down and HT told me to give them a few minutes – which I did.

ExH then turns up, a full 30 minutes after she’d finished singing, walked straight up to DD and the HOKS2 and claimed he didn’t know when it was, he wasn’t told. HT confirmed with me he was her dad and then they let ExH take DD off to his for the weekend.

She is never like that at school. She gets a bit giggly when she’s nervous, and can be cheeky to staff but I’ve been told it’s typical 9year old behaviour and “of no great concern”. I feel awful, I had told her dad when it was and like I said he is on the schools mailing list, so he will have received exactly the same emails as me about it.

She’s text me since getting to her dads to say she knows I didn’t tell him and she hates me.

I feel like the worst mum in the world, because I couldn’t make ExH be there when he should be. And then DD blamed me for it even though I have tried to let him know.

I’m also ashamed she started hitting me in front of her headteacher and worried they now think I’m the awful RP who never lets the NRP know when and where something is happening.

now I’m thinking that your ex is on the school emails, he’s an adult and neither you nor your dd have a responsibility to tell him arrangements when he’s getting this info directly from school.

im wondering why you were bothering to tell him at all, so he could blame you. He’s an adult, adults sign up and read emails from their kids schools about important events.

I think leaving out your comms which you shouldn’t have needed to do anyway is key - as you’re still acting like his wife admin.

1. your DD wants to believe that you somehow didn’t tell her dad the details which caused him to be late because what’s the alternative? He doesn’t care enough to turn up? Be careful how you approach ‘proving’ to her that’s it’s not your error.
2. I guarantee the school have the full measure of your ex and it won’t reflect badly on you at all. While everyone thinks they’re the only one, most families have something issue they don’t advertise but the school know about. It’s not at all rare. You don’t need to prove anything to school. However, because of the nature and severity of your DDs response, I would get in touch with school just to discuss how to support your DD going forward.

I should have added that you shouldn't worry about the school. I'm sure they won't see you as a shit parent because they see you turning up to things and him not even though he gets the notifications.

You could just give them a quick call this week to ensure they are fully in the picture of what is happening, but I would bet that they have seen it all before and will most likely have worked much of it out for themselves.

But yeah, I’ve been hit in public, several times, it feels awful. Especially if your child is also saying hurtful things that outsiders could think are true - i’m so sorry. I’m sure most of the teachers get it though.

She said you can’t hit in uniform?! What nonsense.

I've had my ex say I've not told him stuff I have. Dd came home saying I'd not told daddy something I ducking had. After a couple times of that I started telling dd I'm emailing daddy to tell/remind him of x is there anything else I need to remember to tell him? Literally tell her when you are sending the message. In a casual factual way absolutely you need to avoid a tone of voice that's accusing ex of being the dick he is. I assume next time my ex said "mummy didn't tell me" my dd said she'd seen me send the message so now he's given that tactic up

That's a good idea. That will teach her a vital lesson for the future too.
Your exes behaviour is not uncommon.

As both a teacher and a Step Mum, all I would be thinking here is that this is 100% on him! I’d be judging him like hell for failing to be on time and upsetting his daughter!

He has the exact same school info as you, and it’s on him to read their mail and find out information about times/dates/etc, he’s a father and an adult. You’re actually much nicer than many women would be, because you tell him and remind him! To be honest I’d be explaining this in an age appropriate way - you don’t want your 9 year old thinking she has to grow up to facilitate useless men!

My DH has a daughter just a bit younger than yours. We’re 50/50 now but when we first met her Mum was the RP (she was tiny when they split and they agreed to move to 50/50 in stages once she was no longer breastfeeding). He never relied on her for information! He was a contact with the nursery and later the school. Now that they are 50/50 they share info about hobbies that my DSD only does on a ‘Mum’ day or a ‘Dad’ day, such as dates of shows/competitions, but they give each other the date and time - it’s on the other one to then show up! You both have a responsibility to your daughter equally and he needs to realise it!

@TheAwfulMumWhoDidLetHimKnow
You know you weren't the issue here.
I'd bet the school staff are also well aware this was not caused by you. The fact they calmed your daughter down and spoke nicely with you is positive.
The fact they didn't engage with the ex when he started claiming he hadn't known etc speaks volumes to me. They will have met a thousand parents just like him before, they'll be able to tell who is and isn't genuine by now.

I think you're right to hold off and show your child the texts tomorrow rather than send screenshots. Far less petty and again speaks volumes about your respect for your child.
This really hasn't been your fault at all.

Awful. I would show your daughter every time you tell him the info so he can't blame you. What a useless lump.

She is taking her feelings out on you as you are her safe place and her home and her reliable adult.

Sorry this is happening x

Do you not think this was just a tactic by the head to give the child the space to calm down? FFS. I think it was inspired by the teacher. Enough to give DD a moment to pause and regroup. To bring her back to where she was.

It might not have worked - but for a distressed child certainly a valid approach.

What an absolute choad of a man.

I'd advocate putting the record straight and going forward, anything that doesn't turn you into his secretary. Bottom line is that if he was interested in his daughter he'd be proactive in keeping tabs on the school calendar and other events. It's not your job to facilitate his relationship with your daughter. Tragically, she'll have to accept sooner or later that he's a waste of space - but you don't have to speed this sad process up.

Hard no on violence and cruel words - this is a separate issue to the father (and yet is linked to him in that it is coming from the distress he causes.) Nevertheless, serious talk needed about the seriousness of such actions, and possible consequences that perhaps the child could herself suggest.

That is a horrible post to read, what a terrible dad he is. You sound lovely and you sound like you manage your DD very well. The school know you and your child and will feel that you're a good mam, the constant reminders to her dad show how much you care. The fact the school had to verify with you he is her dad speaks volumes.

Talk to your DD and explain. I was going to say for her to text him direct but I just keep thinking of how much easier it would be for her not to find out that he doesn't care enough to turn up and to leave her to think he missed the school emails (not your correspondence so not to blame you).

I don't think you should show your dd the texts from this incident. Show her future texts before he gets a chance to say you didn't send them but think hard about how she will feel being shown these ones. It's not just realising her dad is how he is it's facing she kicked off at you wrongly. That's a lot of emotions for a child. She needs to realise dad is a dick for herself not have you tell her so explicitly. If she realises for herself you can be supportive but if it's him vs you sort of thing then she's just a child caught in the middle and that's not fair to her

This also sounds like a great idea. The message is then clearly there in writing for all three of you to see.

But she's a child caught in the middle now purple.

I tell my DD when I’m texting her Dad and what I’m telling him. That allows her to see for herself that I’ve given him the arrangements and she is learning not to expect him to turn up on time! I’d suggest you do the same. It’s hard watching them learn that their other parents is shit but it’s better than them blaming you.

I don't think you look like a bad parent at all. The school won't judge you badly for that.

I have mixed feelings about showing dd proof of who is in the wrong. I would simply tell her I did tell her dad. I bet she sub consciously knows this but it's easier to tell herself he wasn't told than to know he didn't make the effort to see her.

Hugs to you. I have a ex who constantly disappoints our son and it hurts your heart every time x

Not sure that’s the right approach. Her daughter is still too young to process those texts and not feel her dad doesn’t care enough about her, which he obviously doesn’t if his cavalier manner to parenting is anything to go by.

You can prove easily to DD that you did tell him.

Don't worry about the school, they'll have seen much worse and have nothing but sympathy.

Don't be utterly ridiculous.

I think it was a great intervention by the teacher. It helped calm the DD and bring her back down to earth so that she could start thinking more clearly.

I think a better tactic would have been “I know you’re cross but it’s never ok to hit mummy”

I would have come down hard on DS if he'd hit me and shouted at me in public like that and would have made damn sure she saw the texts and emails.
In fact in future I'd make her send them so she knows full well they were sent.
There is no way I'd be taking the blame for a flakey shit like that.

I think the HT was making the point that she did have some authority to intervene between mother and child, I can see plenty of parents objecting.

I am not being ridiculous. There were many things the head could have said that would have had same effect, that didn’t give the message that we can hit people in our own clothes.