How bad a parent do I look now to school/Headteacher?

[TheAwfulMumWhoDidLetHimKnow]

DD is 9, Y4. Has SN and a medical condition. She has come a long way in the 5 years she’s been at Primary School.

Today she had a choir concert with school. She was anxious about it but so excited, she was singing for the whole town.

Its her dad’s weekend to have her, and I told him about the concert on an email, what time I had to drop her off, what time she was singing and then when and where to meet me to collect – School don’t know ExH as he never picks up from school, ever. I then sent him another text with the same information on this morning.

ExH didn’t turn up. He does this a lot, doesn’t turn up for stuff if he can’t be bothered – so far this year he’s missed Sports Day, a girlguiding event where she was flag bearer, her Brownies Christmas Carol Concert and her school choirs easter church service. All things she really wanted him there for but then he also always blames me saying I didn’t tell him or he didn’t know when it was despite being on schools emailing list for letters and newsletters and me letting him know.

Towards the end of her singing bit, I could see her getting upset and she didn’t manage to do her solo she’d built up to and was excited for.

When I went to collect her, she started shouting and screaming at me that I hadn’t told Dad when and where it was or he’d be there and now she hates me. She then started hitting me. Headteacher and head of KS2 (who’s also the choir lead) both walked over to us, HT bent down and put her hands on DDs shoulders (not roughly) and bluntly said “It’s ok to be upset but while you are wearing school uniform, I will not allow you to hit anyone”, DD then started crying probably thinking she was in trouble and panicking then started shouting again that it wasn’t fair as I should have told Dad to be there. HOKS2 took her off for a calm down and HT told me to give them a few minutes – which I did.

ExH then turns up, a full 30 minutes after she’d finished singing, walked straight up to DD and the HOKS2 and claimed he didn’t know when it was, he wasn’t told. HT confirmed with me he was her dad and then they let ExH take DD off to his for the weekend.

She is never like that at school. She gets a bit giggly when she’s nervous, and can be cheeky to staff but I’ve been told it’s typical 9year old behaviour and “of no great concern”. I feel awful, I had told her dad when it was and like I said he is on the schools mailing list, so he will have received exactly the same emails as me about it.

She’s text me since getting to her dads to say she knows I didn’t tell him and she hates me.

I feel like the worst mum in the world, because I couldn’t make ExH be there when he should be. And then DD blamed me for it even though I have tried to let him know.

I’m also ashamed she started hitting me in front of her headteacher and worried they now think I’m the awful RP who never lets the NRP know when and where something is happening.

I worked in primary schools for most of my career, and I know that the school staff won’t make any assumptions on who’s at fault, they’ll just want to support. Do email them or speak with the teacher/ HT if you can, you’ll feel better and it’s the best way to make sure your daughter and you are both supported. Best of luck

This is so not your fault, suspect daughter lashed out at you because you are safe parent and just you got the brunt of the big feelings.

My ex has always been like this, he always blames others for why he doesn't show up. My kids are used to it now, when they were small I would cover for him but they know what he is like and see right through him now they are older.

You say she text you later, does that mean she has a phone? If so in future get her to tell her dad then she can't blame you.
Sorry you both have to put up with him being so shite

I've been following this, poor kiddo, her Dad is a proper shit!

I would let her know she can see the emails/texts you send him IF she wants to - she may not want to and I would not make her.

I would NOT however, make her text him/email him stuff - I think theres a very real risk that she may feel more rejected when he fails her, like its her responsibility to say the right thing to make him attend.

Just let her know he has access to the same info you have, and she can see any event related messages you send him if she wants to.

I think thats the best you can do to protect her from excess pressure or his behaviour. And let her know its ok to feel angry and upset, because it is... when people let you down! Just.. there are other ways of expressing it of course!

my ex did something very similar on many occasions , I emailed the school explained after the first time it happened which was a sports day. The school were very supportive . I had the same fears as you and was so worried but they will have seen this situations before. I was so so upset for my daughter, she kicked off massively infront of the teachers when I picked her up also

Telling the school shouldn’t be about defending yourself or worrying what they might think of you. Your ex is dishonest and is using your child to manipulate you both, and it’s having an emotional and behavioural impact on her. That is why the school needs to know. If possible it’s probably easier to explain this face to face.

Regarding showing your dd the messages, in future could you do this in advance? So ‘I’m just sending dad all the details about x. Can you check I’ve got all the info right?’ And ideally let her see you press ‘send’. Then you would be telling her before it becomes part of an argument or emotional situation.

HOKS2/Choir grabbed me as I was dropping DD at breakfast club.

Asked DD if she wnated to do her solo in the last assembly of the year next week and maybe mum could be there to watch, if she wanted but she had to have said sorry for hitting me and show she's going to be a big Y5 now by not hitting when we're angry or upset (I am happy with this btw, DD usually shuts down when she's angry/upset/overstimulated not hitting). She did add that DD was still welcome to use the sensory room at school and she (quote) "has her card to show to any adult so she can leave class without having to explain herself"

Without prompting from me or HOKS2 DD said "Please don't invite my dad".

Poor kid. I feel horrendously guilty for her feelings.

I had to get off to work so couldn't stay for long but have left DD thinking about it (I'm on the train now hence replying), and me, HOKS2 and class teacher - who is DDs teacher again next year - are meeting on Wednesday to discuss next steps and whether we add something to her IEP/EHCP.

Without prompting from me or HOKS2 DD said "Please don't invite my dad".

Oh bless her.

Don't feel guilty OP. I'd guess this means she knows he wont show and doesn't want the disappointment again. That's all on him. At least she can see what he is.

The school sound like they're doing a fantastic job, too!

@TheAwfulMumWhoDidLetHimKnow

your daughter making this request is very telling. Says nothing good about her father does it. Just carry on supporting her and loving her, being the parent that you are.
and as @GoodChat writes please don’t feel guilty. This is of his making. More often than not the veil will slip for children with a parent like this and it can be a very painful but important realisation for them. She will know who she can really count on.
Hope school continue to be supportive and the next steps with looking at any more support for her sound positive.

she has you in her corner.

Don’t feel guilty, OP. I think your DD has taken a big step towards acknowledging the real culprit.

OP I want you to listen very carefully to me.
I've been where you are and we all (me and the kids) ended up in counselling to resolve this - me feeling like a shit parent and them feeling so awful.

You are your dc's 'safe' parent. She KNOWS that you love her unconditionally. Sh shows that even when you're being mean by asking her to get dressed/brush teeth/hurry to school/stop doing xyz/any of the million parenting things that you love her, and when she loses it with herself/you/school/her annoying shoelace/any of the million things that can annoy kids, she is safe to react and find her way of dealing with it better next time.

It is easier for her to blame you in all of this rather than accept that yet again, her dad has let her down. These are massive emotions for a 9yo to deal with and she needs YOU to help her proceeds them, when she has calmed down/comes home. I'm in the 'show her the texts' camp so that she can see you have tried your best to remind him of the timings. She's of an age where she can process that sort of stuff.

I know all of that is easier said than done. Believe me, I know. But please do take time to think that this is very much because she is dealing with big emotions and her world is changing, her dad isn't the man she thought he was and she's not sure how to process that other than by lashing out, especially with sen.

Good luck op.

In future communicate these things by text and after you have sent the text show your daughter it has been sent, I had to do this with my son cause sure as heck the ex ain't ruining our relationship with his lies

That sounds really lovely OP, what the school have suggested. It's sad about her dad but she's starting to realise who he is now - which actually might be a positive in that she won't be hurt over and over again by his behaviour. She's got you looking out for her though and a very supportive school by the sounds of it so she will be ok. I hope she is able to sing her lines next time and has a wonderful time!

@TheAwfulMumWhoDidLetHimKnow

I wasn’t fully able to see - or admit - just how profoundly my dad let us down until I was in my 30s. Because I had the gift of hindsight that I didn’t have at 12.
Your ex is jerking this sweet little girl around just as much as he surely is you. Someday, just as surely as I’m telling you now, your daughter is going realise that and appreciate you even more - I promise you.
I guarantee you. Hang in there. ❤️