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AIBU?

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Original poster

How bad a parent do I look now to school/Headteacher?

239 replies

TheAwfulMumWhoDidLetHimKnow · 08/07/2023 15:17

DD is 9, Y4. Has SN and a medical condition. She has come a long way in the 5 years she’s been at Primary School.

Today she had a choir concert with school. She was anxious about it but so excited, she was singing for the whole town.

Its her dad’s weekend to have her, and I told him about the concert on an email, what time I had to drop her off, what time she was singing and then when and where to meet me to collect – School don’t know ExH as he never picks up from school, ever. I then sent him another text with the same information on this morning.

ExH didn’t turn up. He does this a lot, doesn’t turn up for stuff if he can’t be bothered – so far this year he’s missed Sports Day, a girlguiding event where she was flag bearer, her Brownies Christmas Carol Concert and her school choirs easter church service. All things she really wanted him there for but then he also always blames me saying I didn’t tell him or he didn’t know when it was despite being on schools emailing list for letters and newsletters and me letting him know.

Towards the end of her singing bit, I could see her getting upset and she didn’t manage to do her solo she’d built up to and was excited for.

When I went to collect her, she started shouting and screaming at me that I hadn’t told Dad when and where it was or he’d be there and now she hates me. She then started hitting me. Headteacher and head of KS2 (who’s also the choir lead) both walked over to us, HT bent down and put her hands on DDs shoulders (not roughly) and bluntly said “It’s ok to be upset but while you are wearing school uniform, I will not allow you to hit anyone”, DD then started crying probably thinking she was in trouble and panicking then started shouting again that it wasn’t fair as I should have told Dad to be there. HOKS2 took her off for a calm down and HT told me to give them a few minutes – which I did.

ExH then turns up, a full 30 minutes after she’d finished singing, walked straight up to DD and the HOKS2 and claimed he didn’t know when it was, he wasn’t told. HT confirmed with me he was her dad and then they let ExH take DD off to his for the weekend.

She is never like that at school. She gets a bit giggly when she’s nervous, and can be cheeky to staff but I’ve been told it’s typical 9year old behaviour and “of no great concern”. I feel awful, I had told her dad when it was and like I said he is on the schools mailing list, so he will have received exactly the same emails as me about it.

She’s text me since getting to her dads to say she knows I didn’t tell him and she hates me.

I feel like the worst mum in the world, because I couldn’t make ExH be there when he should be. And then DD blamed me for it even though I have tried to let him know.

I’m also ashamed she started hitting me in front of her headteacher and worried they now think I’m the awful RP who never lets the NRP know when and where something is happening.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 09/07/2023 18:30

You must know this isn't on you.

Personally, being quite petty, I'd send your ex a text saying "I hope you're proud of yourself. What a fucking awful excuse for a parent you are, letting your child down like that".

I wouldn't worry about the school at all. They will have seen all sorts in their time and they'll know who the parents who care are.

Glasgowgal200 · 09/07/2023 18:33

No advice for OP buy ex sounds like an a!!!!!

CM1897 · 09/07/2023 18:34

You shouldn’t have to spoon feed information to your ex. He knows where your child goes to school, why isn’t he checking he’s on the mailing list? Why isn’t he asking for regular updates? Some NRP are so lazy

Poseypops · 09/07/2023 18:34

I haven’t read whole thread so this may have been suggested but in future send all the messages to her dad with her there. Negotiate with her what they should say, involve her in the planning. Let her know when he reply’s and what he says or doesn’t say. That way she knows what has been happening. I assume the aim is to help him to be present for her so you can let him know that she is sending the messages and encourage him to be honest about his availability.

Missingpop · 09/07/2023 19:04

How did you let the sad sorry waste of space know, email; text, what’s app? All will be registered on your phone with a date & time; I would resend this to useless ex; Dd & say with a heartfelt message stating you’ve spent this weekend reflecting on what’s happened & your 100% not the one at fault as messages state you did as you always do let useless father know absolutely everything that’s going on in Dd life times dates etc but that he is at fault because he’s a useless father; also tell your daughter her behaviour was unacceptable & you deserve a apology from her both for hitting you & for her nasty message, tell her you love her unconditionally but that you cannot allow that type of behaviour to happen againshe is old enough to know the truth about her father & he is useless enough to deal with the fallout because he’s on the whiter than white figure he’s making out he is; then suggest in future your daughter tells her father corresponds with her father directly

Juststopamoment · 09/07/2023 19:11

He needs to be on the mailing list and then you step back. He’s an adult and the other parent. He can make sure he gets himself there. Bet this was a major reason you separated. Man child.

LoisLane66 · 09/07/2023 19:17

But YOU have proof. Not only is he on the school's mailing list but you will have the sent email and text message(s) on your phone which will shows the times and dates you sent them to him.
I'd show these to your daughter, ex h and send in an email to the school head as an attachment.
Then forget about it.
In future, keep ALL text and emails regarding anything to do with your daughter.

LoisLane66 · 09/07/2023 19:18

@Juststopamoment
The OP said in an earlier comment that he IS on the school mailing list and always has been.

celticprincess · 09/07/2023 19:21

I’d be sending your DD a screenshot of the email you send dad from your sent items and also any texts to prove he was told if she believes him over you.

My ex also claims to never know things and is also on the school mailing lists etc. I also email him to remind him and he still often doesn’t go as he’s too busy. I always change my arrangements to try and get to see both my kids but he misses so much. They have learned though not to expect him now and seem less disappointed. My eldest is Autistic. The last thing he came to watch he left early and missed her solo and main bits as he had double booked himself. He missed her confirmation as he forgot to put it in his diary and arranged to work. I give up up!!

Don’t worry about what school think. I’m a teacher. We see alsorts and don’t judge. I work in sen as well.

PinkPlantCase · 09/07/2023 19:21

Hope everything goes well with your DD once she’s home OP x

JanglyBeads · 09/07/2023 19:25

9 is too young to involve her in checking dad knows all the details. It's pushing her towards dancing to his tune too.

Original poster
TheAwfulMumWhoDidLetHimKnow · 09/07/2023 19:54

DD is now home. She without prompting said sorry for hitting me, we had a chat and a hug and all is now ok.

I have decided to not show her the messages or emails, it's not for her to be dragged into but I will get her to text or email ExH herself.

OP posts:
Completelydonechick · 09/07/2023 19:54

She doesn’t feel safe enough to confront her dad, either physically or even by phone, but she feels safe with you. She knows that you will continue to love her and will always be there for her, she knows that he isn’t reliable. She is now at an age where she will be aware of her dad’s failings and her anger is being publicly misdirected. So sorry for you both, because it is now a time to face up her father for his selfishness, which is going to be painful for the both of you. If she wants her father to attend events in future, she will need to send the message across herself, which means the rejection will be for her, not a rejection by your ex of you, which is how, it appears, she is choosing to interpret this, of course. However, her anger is demonstrating a need to acknowledge the truth. I sincerely hope he steps up to the responsibility of his child asking for his support, but you have no control over this and you cannot feel responsible.

CelestiaNoctis · 09/07/2023 20:07

Stop telling him anything. I would say that you're on the mailing list, it's your job to be there and leave it at that. Show your daughter the texts you've sent every single time and explain that he does get the information but for some reason he doesn't come and it's not a reflection on her or yourself. Sometimes people are just bad daddies and it's no one else's fault but theirs.

Purpl · 09/07/2023 20:14

Ahh really feel for you. Sounds typical sen behaviour and sad for your daughter. I honestly think the head and key stage 2 leader were being kind and helping out. They woukd have heard all kinds of excuses from absent Dads. Send the email and show your daughter the texts and think no more of it. Next event if you are allowed film it as back up.
When she gets her own phone it be easier a what app group with 3 of you sending constant reminders. She work out the truth in time xx

godmum56 · 09/07/2023 20:24

TheAwfulMumWhoDidLetHimKnow · 09/07/2023 19:54

DD is now home. She without prompting said sorry for hitting me, we had a chat and a hug and all is now ok.

I have decided to not show her the messages or emails, it's not for her to be dragged into but I will get her to text or email ExH herself.

you are a lovely mum

Badanxiety · 09/07/2023 21:12

How awful for you both, my DS has ASD and I’m always the brunt of his meltdowns but not physically. The next time you need to test him to remind him I would say to your DD let’s text daddy to let him know about xyz and text with her there, that way he shouldn’t be able to lie his way out, also any reply’s show her that he’s acknowledged the text

FootieMama · 09/07/2023 21:12

Right decision OP. She doesn't need you telling how bad he is. Just carry on being reliable and great mum you are. She is lucky to have you🤗

LovelyIssues · 09/07/2023 21:28

Show the messages to staff & your DD. Explain he also receives the same emails & point out he has form for this. What a a**hole.

Ukrainebaby23 · 09/07/2023 22:08

Some people with borderline personality disorder are compulsive liars like this, I don't know how you deal with that. Perhaps next time involve DD in the messaging process for ExH. It must be awful for you and I'm sorry. Bet you're glad he's the Exh.

windowof · 09/07/2023 22:32

TheAwfulMumWhoDidLetHimKnow · 09/07/2023 19:54

DD is now home. She without prompting said sorry for hitting me, we had a chat and a hug and all is now ok.

I have decided to not show her the messages or emails, it's not for her to be dragged into but I will get her to text or email ExH herself.

You are honestly such a lovely mum. Well done for rising above it. Sounds like your daughter is showing empathy too, what a perfect example of how well you're raising her.

BestBeforeddmmyy · 09/07/2023 22:50

DD will blame you because the later active is to believe that her Dad knew but he did not care enough to be there on time.
My advice is to continue being a great Mum (and you are). In time she will see his true colours, and you need to be there to reassure her that she is a good daughter.
I had all this nonsense with my stepson’s mother. He is now 35 and has nothing to do with his Mum because he now sees that she was very manipulative. .

Grrrrdarling · 09/07/2023 23:21

LobsterCrab · 08/07/2023 15:23

I would absolutely show her the texts so she knows it's not your fault.

I would send her screen shots of the messages I’d sent to dad - multiple
times - telling him about the concert , inform her that while she is there she can take it up with him as to why he wasn’t there for her then tell her i love her & don’t blame her for being angry because you are angry every time her dad lets her down too!
Time for sugarcoating has passed on this one!

Mamanyt · 09/07/2023 23:25

Sapphire387 · 08/07/2023 15:21

Personally I would follow up with the school next week and make it very clear that he is on their mailing list, plus you told him, and he has form for letting your daughter down in this way.

I would also show your daughter the texts and emails where you told him - I know she is a child but your ex is playing games with her and she needs to know you are on her side.

This, pIus, in the future, say to DD, "I think we shouId text Daddy, and make sure he knows the pIace/date/time, right now. There we go! Now, you hit 'send' for me."

Grrrrdarling · 09/07/2023 23:30

TheAwfulMumWhoDidLetHimKnow · 09/07/2023 19:54

DD is now home. She without prompting said sorry for hitting me, we had a chat and a hug and all is now ok.

I have decided to not show her the messages or emails, it's not for her to be dragged into but I will get her to text or email ExH herself.

That is fair enough.
I’d advise that going forwards when you text him about activities make sure you keep DD in the loop about that so she can see that you have done so but remind her that there are no guarantees he will turn up as you can’t make him come.
Her SEN will make somethings harder for her to process & deal with but she will get the message, from him though his lack of attendance, as she gets older.

She blew up at you because you are her safe space & she knows you aren’t going anywhere.
Speak to school, to clear the matter up for your own sanity, & I am sure they will completely understand. This is not their 1st rodeo.