Sibling got married last week and no one told me

[TomorrowToday]

This happened 2021 and it still hurts me

My siblings and family live in three cities. My sibling got married last week and no one told me or made plans to see me. Baring in mind we haven't seen each other for 18 months due to pandemic etc.

AIBU to think someone should have told me? I found out via someone at the supermarket.

Married in 2021 or married last week?

Were the rest of your family there, parents and other siblings? Are you close to your sibling? Has there been nothing put on social media? I think the back story is important.

I don't have social media. My siblings is NC. It happened 2021, it's upsetting me this weekend and I don't know why.

I was trying to be vague to be anonymous and not outing.

It's not that I wasn't invited it was that no one told me it was happening or made plans to see me.

How did they expect me to find out and react? My sister came to our city and didn't even see me.

Surely the bigger question is have you been in regular contact with your sibling?

Have they, as a family ignored you always?

Why would your sibling make plans to see you if you're NC?

Sorry if I'm misunderstanding

Well, if you’re NC it’s understandable (still hurtful though). It’s likely you’re sibling told others not to tell you.

Are you close to your other family members?

I don't think that you should've expected to be told if you're not in contact with your family.

If it is upsetting you, are you sure going no contact was the right decision?

The one that got married is NC. I speak to the rest.

I am in contact with my family, just not her

Yep.

That sounds really hurtful. Is it especially hurtful that the rest of the family all just colludes with your exclusion? Even if it were the wedding of the sibling who is NC with you, it is bound to be experienced by you as a betrayal. Have I understood correctly? Your sibling chose to go NC with you?

It would have been nice to think that they felt motivated to heal the rift before such an important day but I think you know where you stand.

Ah ok. Well yes maybe they should be told you, but I suspect it's awkward for them to be in the middle and they don't know how to behave/what to say etc.

Maybe they think you wouldn't be bothered.

I expect the rest of your family kept it quiet for the sake of peace. If you are NC with the sibling you wouldn’t have been invited, so they probably didn’t want you to be thinking about it on the day and feeling left out. They would have been in a difficult position. Also, why are you NC? That will have bearing on why you were not told.

Oh sorry, I see you answered those questions.

My mother doesn't speak to me and I just cannot overlook the issue she refuses point blank to discuss, once, for five minutes. So I do understand the pain of being excluded from your family.

What would happen if you invited your family excluding the NC sibling to an event? Would they come, would they go along with excluding her/? or would they just not bother to come along.

This 100%

If your NC with bride and other siblings aren’t id just presume the don’t discuss the NC sister with you and vice a versa to save getting caught between the 2 of you

It's not the fact I wasn't invited to the wedding, I literally don't care. It's the fact that no one told me and they were speaking about it behind my back. That is awkward. But no one decided to tell me, just so I didn't hear it how I did. That they also didn't make time to see me either. So it's just clear they don't care about me.

Depends on the reason for NC. Who decided that - sibling or you? If the sibling asked other family members not to say anything to you, that would leave them in an awkward position.

My parents didn't tell me either.

I think if you’re NC with the sibling who married, then actually it’s kind of the rest of the family not to mention it.

I would imagine it would be hurtful if you’d had heard regularly, everyone going on about what they would wear, where they’d be staying or the present they’d be buying. Better to be kind and not mention it.

I was ignored when my brother had a baby and I never knew about the pregnancy. They told me as casually his baby whatever and I wondered what baby. My cousin's wedding also, everyone but me invited ....and many other things. I understand.

I can completely understand why they didn't mention it, as you're NC.

You need to put this into perspective. You are NC with her and I assume the rest of the family know that
They are not NC. Therefore they have a relationship with her, attended the wedding etc

They have no need to tell you as you are NC and they doubtless think you wouldn’t care

But it seems you do,so you need to tell them to start letting you know about your sister because you want to know what’s happening even if you are NC

That is really hurtful. I'm not surprised it still feels extra depressing some days. That means that 90% of the time, you cope but you're human and occasionally it hurts you for REAL.

For ages, years, I wanted OPTION C where we all got together and talked and listened and sorted it out, but what was actually on offer was option A, endure the silent treatment and the stonewalling and the exclusion or B, say sorry to them for ''hurting'' them (having the expectation that they might hear me, listen to me, and care enough to modify their labelling of me).

I could be wrong but I think the options available to you are to 1) turn your back on all of them to avoid the pain of the ones who are talking to you still excluding you when it suits them. Pros and cons to that.

Or, go along with the mediocre connections you have with the rest of the family knowing you'll be excluded sometimes.

Which of these feels like the bigger loss ?