Sibling got married last week and no one told me

[TomorrowToday]

This happened 2021 and it still hurts me

My siblings and family live in three cities. My sibling got married last week and no one told me or made plans to see me. Baring in mind we haven't seen each other for 18 months due to pandemic etc.

AIBU to think someone should have told me? I found out via someone at the supermarket.

They did lie about events. Such as when I asked them if the date was set and various other outing events.

I think if you are NC with sibling, then of course you wouldn't be involved.

I image your wider family are trying not to be involved?

Hard if it was their decision to go NC and not yours, but clearly there's a history connected to this.

Why were you asking about it? You’re NC.

I started this thread with a lot of sympathy for you, and some understanding of how hurtful it must be to be in the middle of a family mess up.

But your answers on this thread are exasperating and I am rapidly siding with your family.

You have been asked many times WHO went NC, you or your sibling? This is crucial. If it was you then no, no-one should keep you up to date with the wedding plans, you chose to step out. It puts the family in a really awkward position to be piggy in the middle.
But if it was your sibling, and you would at least liek to be kept in the loop, that is much harder, and without knowing the details, none of us cane comment.

You keep saying you don't care, but you obviously do care, you are hurt, so stop being so defensive and just say - yes it hurst, my sibling didn't invite me to the wedding. I might not have gone, but to not even be invited hurts.

You said earlier it’s shit you weren’t invited. You’re annoyed you didn’t know, yet you’re NC but still feel like they should’ve contacted you.

You are refusing to give context so no one can give you meaningful advice.

Oh that wonderful mums net saying to put women down when they dare to voice an opinion or call out shitty behaviour "you sound like hard work".

Women are often much worse than men at putting their same sex down.

It's not your place to be asking mutual family for details about your NC sibling's life. You put them in a situation where they had to choose between betraying your sibling or lying to you.

This really isn't any of your business, OP. You and your sister are no-contact. That means that you are persona non grata to each other, not in each other's lives any more. If neither of you have made up then that is the current status.

Why on earth should your family be obliged to tell you anything about your sister? They're not lying to you, they're following yours and your sister's instructions that you are no-contact with each other.

Stop saying things that you don't mean and make up with your sister if that matters to you. If you're not going to do that then leave it be but stop talking about her and them, they have done nothing wrong.

So you and your sister don't get on and are not on speaking terms. Your sister had a special event and your family went, what did you expect them to do? I'm sure you and your sisters relationship issue is difficult for everyone. If you got married you most likely would have invited all your family but not your sister, you would expect your family to go. I don't understand what you want from either your sister or your family. You say they didn't tell you, well so what, you seem to hate her.

Maybe instead of complaining about how your family deal with this difficult situation, you should return to being speaking terms with your sister. I am sure it is awkward for everyone around the two of you.

Why are you NC? Its rubbish that your family didn’t come and see you if they were in the area but it’s not up to them to tell you about the wedding.

I'm really sorry, but you simply aren't getting it. If you operate with your family they way you are on this thread, then perhaps they find it difficult to manage interactions with you.

You cannot expect them to talk to you about your siblings, their life or their events - you are NC and that is your choice. Do not blame them for a choice that you have made.

You cannot expect them to not put up photo's of the weeding or the christening because you are NC. It is you, not them, that is NC. They are in contact, and it is their mantelpiece, so they can dispaly what they want, and you don't have a right to object or find it uncomfortable.

You can't expect them to apologise for the fact that you weren't invited - you were not invited because you are NC and it is neither up to them to explain that nor to apologies, because it isn't their wedding.

If you never see them, how are you spotting the photo's of weddings and christenings on their mantelpieces?

I really think you need some help about this. You are making everything about you. The wedding etc is not about you. It is about someone you have no interest in, and are NC with - so you have no right to comment or complain. But if this is how you are coming across to members of the family, it is you who is putting them in an impossible position, and I can see why they may find being with you uncomfortable. Perhaps some therapy to help you process why you act like this may help? Family dynsamics are always complicated, but they simply do not rotate around one person and their demands, and this is how you are coming across.

and if I was your family I would not have visited on the same weekend as the wedding.
How exactly did you imagine that was going to go?
They trun up in wedding attire havign just come from wedding, but if they talk about it, you are going to pour cold water all over it becuase of horrible sibling?

Or they turn up next day, but worry about fielding off questions about the wedding, so they have had a lovely time at the wedding, but now find themselves having to defend/explain sibing to you.

I wouldn't want to do that after a lovely weddign, I want to talk about it with people who care.

OP. If you are NC then this should not be something that would concern you.

It sounds like your sibling and family understands what NC means whereas for you you think it means contact through others so you can turn down invitations or discuss their life so you can comment on it.

And I suspect your family don't want to get involved in all the drama. I too would not have mentioned it

Obviously not read the thread

To me it sounds like your family have all made the right call.

But if you don't speak then surely it's none of your business. Maybe she asked them not to tell you?

Women are often much worse than men at putting their same sex down

Sex doesn't come into this.

If two people (either sex) are non-contact then it would be wrong for one of them to expect relatives to play piggy in the middle with news, updates, sharing information about the other.

I can't help but wonder in your situation OP whether your sister might have been the one to choose to go non-contact and you're not happy about the situation.

As others have asked it depends why you are NC.
I got married and even then I was NC with my sister - she basically ignored me all my childhood and stopped speaking to me when I was 17. My parents insisted on her coming or else they said they wouldn’t come - they didn’t contribute and I was blackmailed into it. In fact my mother wanted her as my bridesmaid and I refused. She was foul at the wedding. Overtook the wedding car and stop at the front of the church looking like thunder. What a bitch.
She walked out during my dads speech as he actually said nice things about me and he ended up leaving to console her - the whole thing was disgusting.

when she got married I wasn’t invited. I queried this and my parents said ‘they had seen the errors of their ways’ so I, my then DH and my children were not invited. She invited everyone I mean everyone obscure aunts etc she then framed a photo of her wedding with the title The Jones Family (name changed) and posted it on all social media but also posted me a framed picture to my home address.

I felt she was a total bitch but she clearly was unhinged about me - I often wondered if her not inviting me was because she was worried I would repeat her disgusting behaviour at my wedding at hers 😆🙄either way let it go. I know it stings it is your whole family meeting without you but it says more about them than you.

tell them you feel hurt they didn’t mention it

Yes, this is exactly how you are coming across OP.

Did you want to be NC but to keep tabs on everything they did and comment, having your say indirectly?

Thats not how it works. That’s contact indirectly.

You are blaming your family who have done nothing wrong.

It’s none of your business and they have no business passing on information to you. You’re trying to get people on here to agree with you that you had a right somehow to know your sisters private business even though you’ve cut her out of your life. You didn’t.

I generally take a very dim of lying, but is it possible that they were either asked to keep it a secret or opted not to tell you because it might cause yet more strife in an already divided family?

Maybe your NC sibling didn't want you to know in case you rocked up at the wedding and made them feel ill at ease, which imo would be understandable given the circumstances.

You really are not explaining yourself very well . Why are you NC a with your sibling ? Was it your choice or theirs ?

if your family know you are no contact then it is not for them to get involved and perhaps they were told specifically not to tell you . And if you really don’t care about the wedding then I don’t see what the big deal is ?

if they had called in you would have asked why they were in your city then the whole conversation would have been bought up and perhaps they just want to keep out of it all ?

It’s very telling that you won’t answer why she went NC with you tbh