Page 13 | Sibling got married last week and no one told me

TomorrowToday · 2023-07-08T13:33:31+00:00

This happened 2021 and it still hurts me My siblings and family live in three cities. My sibling got married last week and no one told me or made plans to see me. Baring in mind we haven't seen each other for 18 months due to pandemic etc. AIBU to think someone should have told me? I found out via someone at the supermarket.

Quveas · 09/07/2023 08:34

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 09/07/2023 08:22

I think saying "You can't go NC and expect X Y Z" is a bit unfair when the OP has said it was her sister who made the decision to go NC.

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The OP has said quite a lot of things, most in direct opposition to other things that she has said.

The OP has said very clearly that she didn't want to go to any of these events and wouldn't have gone if asked because she is NC with her sister. So she is at least half of the NC. Regardless of that, whatever the OP thinks of this, if it was the sisters decision it still doesn't matter - the sister has a right to say that she does not want her life discussing with the OP. The OP needs to accept that, whatever her opinion of it is.

LolaSmiles · 09/07/2023 08:37

Bit I already knew she was engaged. They lied to me and didn't bother to see me. I have a relationship with them. You don't keep "secrets" you aren't 7 in the playground. It's a life event, it was going to come out. You just get on with it.

You're right that you have a relationship with your family.

That relationship is entirely separate to your relationship with your sister.

You need to respect that because nobody is entitled to stamp their feet and demand to be told information about someone else.

You know that if your family start spilling everything you demand then your sister will find herself unable to trust her family and she loses the ability to confide in anyone who you're in contact with (which I also suspect is what you're hoping because you talk about people being able to go NC bit they should expect consequences for it).

It's painting a picture to an outsider that suggests your sister probably has very good reason for going NC, your family are doing their best to handle an awful situation, and you're throwing your toys out the pram for not being able to get involved in your sister's life still.

If you're going to love forward you're going to need to come to terms with why your sister might have gone NC and work on that because I can't see the relationship recovering whilst you're this wound up about not being in control.

IncomingTraffic · 09/07/2023 08:38

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 09/07/2023 08:22

I think saying "You can't go NC and expect X Y Z" is a bit unfair when the OP has said it was her sister who made the decision to go NC.

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If someone goes NC with you - and you know they’ve done so - then why would you expect to know anything about their lives. They’ve decided they don’t want you in their life.

There’s obviously a back story. And the family clearly have some understanding of what’s going on. That’s why they aren’t giving the OP information when she keeps asking.

Motorcycleemptyness · 09/07/2023 09:12

You have been told a thousand times on this thread OP that you are NC with your sister and have no right to know the details of her life. This still stands. It is entirely unreasonable to expect your family to take time out of her wedding weekend to visit you. That weekend was for her wedding. Not you. You are irrelevant here.

Reading this thread it is entirely unsurprising that your sister has gone NC. You sound impossible.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 09/07/2023 09:15

IncomingTraffic · 09/07/2023 08:38

If someone goes NC with you - and you know they’ve done so - then why would you expect to know anything about their lives. They’ve decided they don’t want you in their life.

There’s obviously a back story. And the family clearly have some understanding of what’s going on. That’s why they aren’t giving the OP information when she keeps asking.

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My point was that people are clearly going in on the OP based on the first post and assuming she went NC with her sister, not vice versa.

Shows the problem with drip feeds, I suppose.

SilkTrees · 09/07/2023 10:22

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 09/07/2023 09:15

My point was that people are clearly going in on the OP based on the first post and assuming she went NC with her sister, not vice versa.

Shows the problem with drip feeds, I suppose.

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To be honest, I think this attitude is being fostered by the OP's touchiness, anger and rudeness on this thread. And the people who have registered that it was her sister who went NC with her are thinking that, based on the OP's behaviour on here, there's almost certainly a big backstory that may make the sister's decision understandable, and also might explain the family's decision to not contact her when visiting for the sister's wedding for fear of a big blow-up.

Cherryblossomed · 09/07/2023 10:34

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 09/07/2023 09:15

My point was that people are clearly going in on the OP based on the first post and assuming she went NC with her sister, not vice versa.

Shows the problem with drip feeds, I suppose.

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To be fair though. Op isn’t really clear which is a theme.

The last contact was from the sister, who sent a birthday card then got engaged. Op says she hasn’t spoken to her since.

Op doesn’t mention if she sent a card for the engagement (at this point she wouldn’t have known the sister wanted NC as they hadn’t spoken) or has actually tried to contact the sister herself. She hasn’t spoken to her at all.

it sounds like it’s mainly a mutual NC.

AndrexPuppy · 09/07/2023 12:55

It doesn’t really matter who initiated the NC, does it? The family are respecting the NC boundaries and not passing the marriage news on.

FictionalCharacter · 09/07/2023 14:05

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 09/07/2023 09:15

My point was that people are clearly going in on the OP based on the first post and assuming she went NC with her sister, not vice versa.

Shows the problem with drip feeds, I suppose.

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In fact, the first post said nothing about the two of them being nc. She just said that sis had got married, nobody had told her and it was hurtful. She also said in the OP that they hadn’t seen each other due to the pandemic. Totally different slant to what she said later.
The story has been “developed” as the thread has gone on and she’s getting angry at people making fair points and pointing out inconsistencies. This thread isn’t going anywhere for the OP and not helping her, but that’s her own fault.

Original poster

TomorrowToday · 09/07/2023 14:07

AndrexPuppy · 09/07/2023 12:55

It doesn’t really matter who initiated the NC, does it? The family are respecting the NC boundaries and not passing the marriage news on.

I literally think people live in some weird world where they keep "secrets" from people that are blatant. There are pictures of her wedding in the family house - you think that should be taken down when i go home because "no contact".

She doesn't have to invite me to her wedding that's her choice. If people aren't going to tell me than that puts everyone in a difficult position so it's up to them to deal with it.

You can't expect a whole family to meet and it to never be spoken about in my presence.

Who's the dock head now - my sister.

No contact means you don't want to speak to that person, not that you make everyone's relationship difficult with that person after that.

Literally all anyone needed to do was say - look she's getting married and you aren't invited. Let's catch up in the near future.

OP posts:

Carpediemmakeitcount · 09/07/2023 14:12

You new about the wedding did you expect to get invited?

Kingdedede · 09/07/2023 14:13

‘Literally all anyone needed to do was say - look she's getting married and you aren't invited. Let's catch up in the near future.’

So have you told the people involved that so that know who to navigate similar situations in the future?

If you have then, there that’s done move forward.

CrackerAndPudding · 09/07/2023 14:13

But why? You knew she was getting married, just not when. She went NC so why would your siblings share info on her life? Doesn't mean your family need to pretend she doesn't exist and take down all photographs - simply just not share info and updates about her instead.

From what you've posted it doesn't sound like she's making any of your family's lives difficult. That's you, deciding that by not acting as a flying monkey they no longer like or care about you.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 09/07/2023 14:17

You don't really care when her wedding was it's the fact they didn't make time for you. You have to tell them that they are not making anytime for you and their behaviour is shitty and is upsetting you.

Stuffin · 09/07/2023 14:19

Literally all anyone needed to do was say - look she's getting married and you aren't invited. Let's catch up in the near future.

Why do you think they didn't say that?

Can you hand on heart say it isn't because you would have made it difficult for them or your sister because I think you need to consider how you are affecting the relationships you still have around you.

People generally don't go NC on a whim and your response to this is telling given that you won't acknowledge anything anyone has said on this thread that doesn't agree with your view point that you are the wronged party.

HowcanIhelp123 · 09/07/2023 14:21

No contact is no contact. You are NC so you don't get updates about her life, and your family also should be doing the same and not giving her details about your life. That's how it works. You don't have to like it, those are the rules.

Cherryblossomed · 09/07/2023 14:30

TomorrowToday · 09/07/2023 14:07

I literally think people live in some weird world where they keep "secrets" from people that are blatant. There are pictures of her wedding in the family house - you think that should be taken down when i go home because "no contact".

She doesn't have to invite me to her wedding that's her choice. If people aren't going to tell me than that puts everyone in a difficult position so it's up to them to deal with it.

You can't expect a whole family to meet and it to never be spoken about in my presence.

Who's the dock head now - my sister.

No contact means you don't want to speak to that person, not that you make everyone's relationship difficult with that person after that.

Literally all anyone needed to do was say - look she's getting married and you aren't invited. Let's catch up in the near future.

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But that’s not what you wanted.

You wanted them to see you that weekend. Not in the near future. The fact they didn’t make time for you that weekend is your entire gripe.

NC doesn’t mean one thing. Some people don’t want the person they are NC to be told anything.

MatildaTheCat · 09/07/2023 14:39

So what do you want going forward? The wedding news is over with and has upset you. Can you have a discussion with your parents and explain that despite being no contact you’d like to at least know big family news?

Having said that they will be in a very difficult position if your sister has expressly asked them not to share.

If you have only just seen a photo on their mantelpiece or whatever it does suggest you don’t see them very often. Maybe if you want to rebuild some closeness you could start with your parents?

Carpediemmakeitcount · 09/07/2023 14:45

I don't think it's a case of she didn't want her to know she will find out regardless. They probably didn't want to upset you about the wedding and couldn't stay too long as well. You need to cut them some slack and explain your feelings rationally and give them a chance to give you a reasonable response.

Ellie1015 · 09/07/2023 14:55

The photos show it isn't a secret but there is no point in them specifically saying "sister's wedding is this weekend, we will all be meeting nearby but cant find time to see you then. Will catch up another time" there is no way that would be helpful to you or your sister.

thecatsthecats · 09/07/2023 14:55

TomorrowToday · 09/07/2023 14:07

I literally think people live in some weird world where they keep "secrets" from people that are blatant. There are pictures of her wedding in the family house - you think that should be taken down when i go home because "no contact".

She doesn't have to invite me to her wedding that's her choice. If people aren't going to tell me than that puts everyone in a difficult position so it's up to them to deal with it.

You can't expect a whole family to meet and it to never be spoken about in my presence.

Who's the dock head now - my sister.

No contact means you don't want to speak to that person, not that you make everyone's relationship difficult with that person after that.

Literally all anyone needed to do was say - look she's getting married and you aren't invited. Let's catch up in the near future.

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It's a very different thing to have people take time out of a wedding weekend to visit a NC family member/not share news about it beforehand, than it is to hide pictures for years afterwards.

My sister is NC with my parents, and my other sister arranged to see her for a window during the wedding day. It was hugely stressful for all concerned. I didn't ask the same sister to my wedding, because in all honesty all the effort has been one way for years, me to her, and I wasn't inviting that sort of faff to my wedding.

I think that your family were very sensible to not try and blend the two.

ChuckMater · 09/07/2023 14:58

You say your nc so why would you know or care

Lefteyetwitch · 09/07/2023 15:26

TomorrowToday · 09/07/2023 14:07

I literally think people live in some weird world where they keep "secrets" from people that are blatant. There are pictures of her wedding in the family house - you think that should be taken down when i go home because "no contact".

She doesn't have to invite me to her wedding that's her choice. If people aren't going to tell me than that puts everyone in a difficult position so it's up to them to deal with it.

You can't expect a whole family to meet and it to never be spoken about in my presence.

Who's the dock head now - my sister.

No contact means you don't want to speak to that person, not that you make everyone's relationship difficult with that person after that.

Literally all anyone needed to do was say - look she's getting married and you aren't invited. Let's catch up in the near future.

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No it's still very much you who look like the Dock head.

dizzygirl1 · 09/07/2023 15:59

Lefteyetwitch · 09/07/2023 15:26

No it's still very much you who look like the Dock head.

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Completely agree with this poster! It's definitely not your Sister OP who looks completely unreasonable and a 'dockhead' definitely all you.
No pictures don't need to be put away when you come round, family won't mention it, you're the only one mentioning it and causing a fuss. * *

BoohooWoohoo · 09/07/2023 16:07

You don't understand NC OP.
It means she doesn't want you to know about her life and she doesn't want to know about your all. She wants to pretend that you don't exist and wants you to do the same towards her.
It means that your family don't talk about her to you and she has probably asked them not to talk about you to her.
If they had said "this weekend is the wedding and you're not invited" then it goes against the NC which means that they are not respecting her decision. Not respecting her decision means they risk being NC with her too.
Your parents and siblings want to take the course of action that means they are in contact with you and her. The only way to do this is to pretend that she doesn't exist when talking to you and you don't exist when they talk to her.
Yanbu to be pissed off that her decision affects your relationship with your family but it really sounds like they don't want to fall out with either of you. It's fair that the wedding weekend was all about your sister.