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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sibling got married last week and no one told me

338 replies

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 14:33

This happened 2021 and it still hurts me

My siblings and family live in three cities. My sibling got married last week and no one told me or made plans to see me. Baring in mind we haven't seen each other for 18 months due to pandemic etc.

AIBU to think someone should have told me? I found out via someone at the supermarket.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 08/07/2023 14:59

Why did you say last week when it was 2021?

tuvamoodyson · 08/07/2023 14:59

Maybe your sibling asked them specifically not to tell you?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/07/2023 15:03

You can’t have it both ways. If you are no contact then you aren’t owed updates on their life.

Yes your family was talking about it behind your back, that’s normal.

GoodChat · 08/07/2023 15:04

It's none of your business if you're NC.

I'd be furious if people were telling someone I am NC with all my life milestones.

overwork · 08/07/2023 15:05

If you're none contact with them, do you expect to be kept up to date with their life? I ask as I'm none contact with a sibling, but I see the rest of my family. We don't discuss that sibling because I don't feel that I have a right to know what's going on in their life, as we've chosen not to be a part of each others. No idea if the sibling asks after me, I haven't enquired.

N0ëlle · 08/07/2023 15:05

@TomorrowToday I hear you. They all just colluded with never mentioning the wedding, never mentioning any of the plans, why that day would have been busy. They all went along with keeping that secret. It's bizarre imo, and shows how dysfunctional your family of origin is. Sorry, no offence intended, my own is the same. Somebody upthread said that they did it for ''peace'' and maybe they did but it's such a fake peace. It's a peace built on pain. Who'd want that kind of peace. My own family are so conflict avoidant it beggars belief. They will not talk about anything but their view of themselves is that they're perfect, so if I try to talk to them about the way they have treated me, just the act of trying to raise an issue for discussion is perceived as ''aggression'' so instantly i'm the bad guy.

If I remember some of the things that helped me, can't remember if it was my therapist or a youtuber, but for me, to begin to heal the wound of not being heard, I had to believe my interpretation of events. I stood firm in my perceptions. I wouldn't back down or agree that I'd been mad.

I suppose to apply that to the wound of being excluded, which is not about this one day or this one wedding, but the wound of not mattering on an important day, then you have to centre your world around you. You have to assess everything with what feels right for you. Where you live, where you work, what you do at the weekend, remember to centre yourself. So that your functional adult is sending your inner child the message, YOU MATTER

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 08/07/2023 15:05

Why are you NC with your sibling?

I suspect your family didn't want to be caught in the middle so found it easier to say nothing.

LolaSmiles · 08/07/2023 15:09

Who made the move to be NC?

My gut instinct says that if I knew two people were non-contact then I'd have relationships with each of them totally independent of the other and wouldn't mention them to each other at all because their relationship is separate to my relationship with each of them.

Gilmorehill · 08/07/2023 15:10

I can completely empathise. I was NC with my ‘d’b and he told my parents not to tell me. I only found out when his wife was seven months pregnant from a family friend who was baffled that it was news to me. That was ten years ago and it still hurts. We’re low contact now but I’ve only seen him and his family once in the last five years. I love kids and it hurts that he didn’t want me to be an auntie to his dcs.

Cherryblossomed · 08/07/2023 15:13

I think it’s really unfair to our responsibility onto other family members.

You are NC with the family member that got married. If I felt I had to go no contact with a. Family member I wouldn’t want other family members giving them updates on my life.

lljkk · 08/07/2023 15:15

I could see this happening among my kids. The eldest 2 detest each other.

I don't think either would tell me to keep an event secret, but it might also feel like it wasn't my information to share.

OP: you really need to explain what your sibs & parents feel & know about why you are NC with that sibling. If we asked your NC sibling why they are NC with you, what would they say? If we asked your parents why they didn't tell you, what would they say?

category12 · 08/07/2023 15:16

If you're no contact with the sibling who got married, then it wasn't your wider family's news to share with you, if he/she didn't want you to know.

It must feel horrible, but the point of being no contact is to be out of each other's lives.

LadyLardy · 08/07/2023 15:17

I'm NC with my sister. She's an utterly toxic bitch. I don't want to know 'she's getting married' from my parents/other siblings. I just don't care.

I don't want a conversation about her. I don't want 'updates' about her life. I don't want her name mentioned to me, thanks.

We're NC for many, many good reasons.

SausageMonkey2 · 08/07/2023 15:18

Assuming you’re NC for a reason. She didn’t want you to know. And that’s up to her.

Original poster
TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 15:20

category12 · 08/07/2023 15:16

If you're no contact with the sibling who got married, then it wasn't your wider family's news to share with you, if he/she didn't want you to know.

It must feel horrible, but the point of being no contact is to be out of each other's lives.

Because it was going to come out one day so wouldn't it be better that they stop lying and that they just mentioned it?

OP posts:
Original poster
TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 15:21

lljkk · 08/07/2023 15:15

I could see this happening among my kids. The eldest 2 detest each other.

I don't think either would tell me to keep an event secret, but it might also feel like it wasn't my information to share.

OP: you really need to explain what your sibs & parents feel & know about why you are NC with that sibling. If we asked your NC sibling why they are NC with you, what would they say? If we asked your parents why they didn't tell you, what would they say?

They said they thought she would change her mind. That they were too embarrassed about it. Everyone spoke about it at the time and said it was awkward etc but no one reached out to me. It's not the fact she got married, it's because they all knew and no one told me.

OP posts:
TiaraBoo · 08/07/2023 15:23

Hmm, if you’re NC with this sibling, then I can see why no one would bring up their news.

LunaMay · 08/07/2023 15:24

NC means NC, you can't have it both ways. It was not your families news to tell and the trip to your city wasn't about you. Are you jealous they still get on with sibling?

Quveas · 08/07/2023 15:25

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 14:46

The one that got married is NC. I speak to the rest.

Show quote history

I'm sorry but if you are NC then it isn't up to the rest of your family to act as the conduits for news. They have acted in accordance with the wishes of you and your sibling - they have stayed out of it and not interfered. If you want contact, it is up to you to make it. They are not responsible for keeping you up to date with family news. They were not speaking about it "behind your back" - they were talking about something that was none of your business because you made it none of your business. And I say that as someone who is NC with my sister - I have no interest whatsoever in her or her life, and I would be bloody furious with my brother if I found that he was talking about me to her; and I have no conversations with him about her, to the extent that I do not even know if he is in contact with her either.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 08/07/2023 15:25

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 15:20

Because it was going to come out one day so wouldn't it be better that they stop lying and that they just mentioned it?

Show quote history

There's a difference between lying and just not telling you.

Was it your choice to go NC?

Sapphire387 · 08/07/2023 15:25

So it sounds like your sibling has made the decision to go NC, rather than you?

Do you have any idea what led to that decision? Because you do sound like you are making this rather about you.

Wendysfriend · 08/07/2023 15:26

I'm in the middle of a feud between family members, I'm not involved directly but it affects me something terrible.

I can't open my mouth about anything, even just passing on information, as I'm accused of gossiping, if I don't pass on information I'm accused of taking sides.

It's extremely difficult for those not involved, you don't know what to do for the best. Your family may be feeling like this.

TedMullins · 08/07/2023 15:28

Why did you go NC and whose decision was that? That is important context. However if I was NC with a family member I wouldn’t want to hear their news or have my news told you them so I don’t think your family have been unreasonable.

Original poster
TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 15:29

Wendysfriend · 08/07/2023 15:26

I'm in the middle of a feud between family members, I'm not involved directly but it affects me something terrible.

I can't open my mouth about anything, even just passing on information, as I'm accused of gossiping, if I don't pass on information I'm accused of taking sides.

It's extremely difficult for those not involved, you don't know what to do for the best. Your family may be feeling like this.

It's one event, that I knew was happening just didn't know the dates (pre covid). For them to all see each other after 18 months and not see me, despite it being in the city I live, is bad. Ultimately nothing was said to my sister, when she should have been the one to say it.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 08/07/2023 15:29

I am NC with my brother, have been for years.
My parents are both dead now, but my mother used to drivel on about him regardless, so I minimised contact with her; my father respected that I wasn't vaguely interested /actively disinterested and rarely mentioned him (unless critically, he didn't rate him much either).

If you're NC, why expect updates?

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