Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sibling got married last week and no one told me

338 replies

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 14:33

This happened 2021 and it still hurts me

My siblings and family live in three cities. My sibling got married last week and no one told me or made plans to see me. Baring in mind we haven't seen each other for 18 months due to pandemic etc.

AIBU to think someone should have told me? I found out via someone at the supermarket.

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 08/07/2023 16:27

You are nc. You wouldn't have gone if invited. You don't like that your wider family didn't tell you about it but why should they? Maybe your sibling asked them not to? Maybe they thought you wouldn't care or better yet it's none of your business as you are nc. Maybe they dislike being in the middle of the two of you. If you are hurt about it speak to them, ask to be informed next time and that you don't expect them to hide info from you.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 08/07/2023 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

greenisnotserene · 08/07/2023 16:42

What's the thread about this thread called?

greenisnotserene · 08/07/2023 16:43

Found it, it's "you sound like hard work" on AIBU

dizzygirl1 · 08/07/2023 16:43

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 15:44

They did lie about events. Such as when I asked them if the date was set and various other outing events.

Show quote history

This is why you weren't told about it. You were asking about it and asking about your NC siblings business. Your family obviously realise its much better to give you no information so you can't use it as a weapon - as you are currently doing.

NC means not being involved in their life and them in yours.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/07/2023 16:47

@TomorrowToday

Why won't you say who initiated the NC? You don't have to say why.

So at any rate:

If she initiated the NC, the family was correct to keep her news from you because NC means a complete 'blackout' of her life from you and they need to obey her wishes. You have no right to hear about her life. Your family needs to respect her confidentiality, just as I'm sure you want them to respect yours.

If you initiated the NC, the family was correct to keep her news from you since NC means "I do not want to be around this person AND I do not want to hear anything about them". You should not want to hear about her life and you shouldn't want her to hear about yours. NC doesn't mean 'tell me all about her so I can pick her and/or the rest of the family to pieces and make grudges'.

As far as this 'get together' which I assume is what just happened, you're upset because you weren't invited. But if the primary reason for the gathering was to celebrate her marriage (which happened in 2021) why should she want you invited and why should you want to go? If you just want to be invited you so you can have the satisfaction of pointedly declining the invite, that's pretty petty of you.

Sounds to me as if you need to get over whatever it is that's stuck in your craw.

Ohdave · 08/07/2023 16:50

Don’t know why everyone is kicking off at op like she has personally affronted you all. Calm down. Talk about projection.

@TomorrowToday Im not gonna stick the boot in. I know how painful it is as my sister got/is getting married and I’m not invited but my paedo uncles are invited which makes me feel great!! But I’m nc and I expect everyone to keep quiet and not tell me anything/see me as that’s the road I/we took sadly. Try to focus on yourself and forget about it.

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 08/07/2023 16:50

OP - you object to people calling you hard work and then say "Women are often much worse than men at putting their same sex down'.

Firstly that is a prime example of a woman putting other women down! Secondly, it's total bollocks. Men are excellent at putting other men down. They might use different words and phrases but the negativity is there.

Likewhatever · 08/07/2023 16:56

I don’t understand why you even want to know. I’m NC with my sibling, everyone knows not to mention her, or anything about her to me.

Nanny0gg · 08/07/2023 16:58

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 15:29

It's one event, that I knew was happening just didn't know the dates (pre covid). For them to all see each other after 18 months and not see me, despite it being in the city I live, is bad. Ultimately nothing was said to my sister, when she should have been the one to say it.

Show quote history

But then they'd have had to have told you about the wedding.

If you're sibling is NC with you then maybe they don't want you to know anything about their life?

It's hard and it's hurtful but I think you have to adjust your expectations

Mari9999 · 08/07/2023 17:04

@TomorrowToday
If you are NC with your sister, maybe the rest of the family did not feel as though it was their news to share.
Perhaps, even if they disagree with the NC relationship between the 2 of you, they are respectful of the lack of contact enough not to share news involving either of you.

Life is way too short to be a participant in someone else's animosity and drama. No one wants to be anywhere involved in those types of situations than they absolutely have to be.

You family took the sensible approach and stayed out of the drama, Your sister may have asked that they not tell you

Butchyrestingface · 08/07/2023 17:06

YABU. Utterly. Your poor family must be exhausted.

Btw, OP, I (and doubtless others) likely would never have known about this thread's existence but for the TAAT.

IncomingTraffic · 08/07/2023 17:07

Of course you know why your sister has gone NC with you. The whole family does.

It’s probably fair to say that your sister does not like you. She’s allowed to not like you. And, since she’s NC with you, why would you be annoyed she visited a city but didn’t see you? It sounds like she’s been pretty clear that she doesn’t want anything to do with you.

You may need to just accept this. Acting confused and upset about being excluded is totally disingenuous. You do know why your sister dislikes you so much she no longer wants anything to do with you. Whether she’s reasonable or not doesn’t matter. You know what’s happened. You know she isn’t interested in seeing you or having you know about her life.

Being evasive on MN and complaining when people say this is ‘hard work’ isn’t helping you here.

Butchyrestingface · 08/07/2023 17:08

greenisnotserene · 08/07/2023 16:42

What's the thread about this thread called?

It's called "Deleted for being a TAAT". Grin

pandarific · 08/07/2023 17:12

You are coming off as having a victim complex here. If you and your sibling are NC, that means they are not in your business and you are not in theirs. Highly likely they told all involved not to
mention their wedding to you - because you are not in contact. I don’t see how your family are being unreasonable by respecting their request. your sibling gets to choose this because it is their wedding. it’s not about you - let it go.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 08/07/2023 17:13

IncomingTraffic I read it that OP was upset that her parents didn't come to visit her? I could be wrong though.

I understand that the OP is in paid. Going no-contact is painful for everybody involved. For the person who instigates it, the person who is the recipient of it - and the whole family. Pain for all.

It is what it is though and, if bridges can't be mended then the only thing to do is come to terms with it and I think that's what the OP needs to do, with the help of friends or a therapist, not her family.

I know what it feels like, I was no contact with my brother for four years, he instigated it. We're no longer no contact as my mother interfered and I let her for her sake, but mine and my brother's relationship will never be as it was. It's peaceful now though. If he did it again it wouldn't bother me.

OP, I know this thread has been a hard read for you but I don't think any of it will have been a surprise. Get some real life support for how you're feeling so that you can come to terms with this; you can get there.

ASGIRC · 08/07/2023 17:17

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 15:44

They did lie about events. Such as when I asked them if the date was set and various other outing events.

Show quote history

I am very LC with my step sister. I would expect my mom and my stepdad to LIE through their teeth about any questions she might ask about my personal life.
Not in a making things up way, but just denying any knowledge of anything!

"Oh, is ASGIRL getting married?" "No idea" "oh is ASGIRL sick?" "Not that I know of".

Why would you expect them to tell you details of a wedding when you are not in that persons life?!
Just as I expect you wouldnt be best pleased if the rest of the family went on babbling to your sister about your personal life!

IncomingTraffic · 08/07/2023 17:19

My sister came to our city and didn't even see me.

This is from one of the OP’s posts.

The posts are generally confusing though. Even in the OP it’s not clear what happened in 2021 and what happened last week.

VisitationRights · 08/07/2023 17:22

you are being very unreasonable. Your sibling has gone NC for a reason and you have no right to make things awkward for your other family members by asking about the NC sibling. If they lied to you it seems it was because you were pressing for details about the NC sibling. Let it go. Stop being awkward.

GoodChat · 08/07/2023 17:28

Clearly they also don't like me

People don't tend to go NC with people they like

MammaTo · 08/07/2023 17:30

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 15:31

Because it's a bit shut that I was the only family member not to be invited.... and left out. Which has happened before etc. This was 2021 where restrictions were lifted

Show quote history

I’m really struggling as I don’t think you’re making much sense to anyone. I’m assuming you’ve done something negative as you seem reluctant to say why your sibling is NC and you’re struggling to comprehend that if sibling didn’t want you to know then she has every right not to tell you and it’s not other family’s news to spread.
You need to do some self reflection on what’s caused this.

Ohdave · 08/07/2023 17:30

IncomingTraffic · 08/07/2023 17:07

Of course you know why your sister has gone NC with you. The whole family does.

It’s probably fair to say that your sister does not like you. She’s allowed to not like you. And, since she’s NC with you, why would you be annoyed she visited a city but didn’t see you? It sounds like she’s been pretty clear that she doesn’t want anything to do with you.

You may need to just accept this. Acting confused and upset about being excluded is totally disingenuous. You do know why your sister dislikes you so much she no longer wants anything to do with you. Whether she’s reasonable or not doesn’t matter. You know what’s happened. You know she isn’t interested in seeing you or having you know about her life.

Being evasive on MN and complaining when people say this is ‘hard work’ isn’t helping you here.

Why are you talking so personally to op? Do you know her family? Confused

Ohdave · 08/07/2023 17:31

Op is allowed to not reveal outing details. Stop steamrolling her.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 08/07/2023 17:32

IncomingTraffic
This was the bit of the OP's post (first one) that made me wonder if she was referring to her parents.
My sibling got married last week and no one told me or made plans to see me.

It is all very confusing but I really hope the OP has some support for herself, she really needs it.

saraclara · 08/07/2023 17:33

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 15:41

@LakieLady mayne I didn't make
It clear. I wouldn't have gone if invited and I don't care I wasn't invited. That's not the concern. It's how my family acted - lying about it behind my back and not being truthful when asked.

Your sister didn't know that you wouldn't come. And why would she invite you if you're no contact anyway? It's as if you want all the upsides of going NC (so not having to see or deal with her) with none of the downsides (not being invited to her events while the rest of the family are).
You can't cherry pick.

You and the NC sister have put the rest of the family in a very awkward and uncomfortable situation snd you both need to recognise and own that.

What that poster said. It's incredibly awkward and difficult for the remaining family (not to mention really distressing for the parents) when siblings go non contact. It's not just the two of you that are affected. No-one can live a normal family life when this happens. So yes, you need to own it, and have more empathy for the rest of the family who had no choice but to be stuck in the middle..