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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sibling got married last week and no one told me

338 replies

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 14:33

This happened 2021 and it still hurts me

My siblings and family live in three cities. My sibling got married last week and no one told me or made plans to see me. Baring in mind we haven't seen each other for 18 months due to pandemic etc.

AIBU to think someone should have told me? I found out via someone at the supermarket.

OP posts:
MammaTo · 08/07/2023 15:30

I think if the sibling who got married is NC with you then why would family tell you about their plans?
Dependant of the reasons for NC they might of thought you’d try to come the wedding or expect an invite?

Original poster
TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 15:30

TedMullins · 08/07/2023 15:28

Why did you go NC and whose decision was that? That is important context. However if I was NC with a family member I wouldn’t want to hear their news or have my news told you them so I don’t think your family have been unreasonable.

How do you expect it to pan out? I see the wedding photo on the mantle piece? See the christening?

Just because people are nC doesn't mean that your other relationships should be affected.

Which is what is happening.

People can go nc but their actions have consequences

OP posts:
LadinLee · 08/07/2023 15:31

I'm sorry but if you are NC then it isn't up to the rest of your family to act as the conduits for news.

This^
You and the NC sister have put the rest of the family in a very awkward and uncomfortable situation snd you both need to recognise snd own that.
They absolutely do not need to be passing info on about either of you

Original poster
TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 15:31

MammaTo · 08/07/2023 15:30

I think if the sibling who got married is NC with you then why would family tell you about their plans?
Dependant of the reasons for NC they might of thought you’d try to come the wedding or expect an invite?

Because it's a bit shut that I was the only family member not to be invited.... and left out. Which has happened before etc. This was 2021 where restrictions were lifted

OP posts:
category12 · 08/07/2023 15:33

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 15:20

Because it was going to come out one day so wouldn't it be better that they stop lying and that they just mentioned it?

Show quote history

It's still not their news to share if the sibling doesn't want it shared.

If you're no contact, then you don't get to know stuff about each other's lives.

I can see it's upsetting if your family came to your city for the wedding and didn't also visit you, but weddings tend to be a bit full-on and maybe it wasn't practical in the time they had.

I don't think you have a right to know when an estranged relative gets married or has a child or whatever, potentially not even being informed of serious illness etc. If it really bothers you, perhaps you should attempt to reconcile to some sort of truce level.

LadinLee · 08/07/2023 15:34

Because it's a bit shut that I was the only family member not to be invited.... and left out. Which has happened before etc. This was 2021 where restrictions were lifted

But why would you be invited if you're NC?

daisychain01 · 08/07/2023 15:35

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 14:50

It's not the fact I wasn't invited to the wedding, I literally don't care. It's the fact that no one told me and they were speaking about it behind my back. That is awkward. But no one decided to tell me, just so I didn't hear it how I did. That they also didn't make time to see me either. So it's just clear they don't care about me.

Show quote history

If you don't care, then try to separate it in your mind as being a completely irrelevant topic of conversation.

you're doing mental gymnastics and you'll exhaust yourself and drain your own self esteem. None of us on here have the solution for your family dynamics, or the history, all we can do is giving you some thought on survival/coping strategies.

Going Low Contact could be sensible for a few months just to get things sorted in your head.

nocoolnamesleft · 08/07/2023 15:36

Honestly, it sounds like a natural consequence of being non contact. And having been in the position of a close relative to people who had gone NC with each other but not with me, it's a fucking minefield which is impossible to safely navigate.

LakieLady · 08/07/2023 15:37

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 15:31

Because it's a bit shut that I was the only family member not to be invited.... and left out. Which has happened before etc. This was 2021 where restrictions were lifted

Show quote history

I wouldn't expect to be invited to the wedding of a family member I'm NC with.

NC is just that - no contact, no invites, nada.

Original poster
TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 15:38

nocoolnamesleft · 08/07/2023 15:36

Honestly, it sounds like a natural consequence of being non contact. And having been in the position of a close relative to people who had gone NC with each other but not with me, it's a fucking minefield which is impossible to safely navigate.

It could have been safely meet with - "hi sister, sorry you aren't invited. Would be great to see you after 18 months, will X weekend work for you".

That was all.

Clearly they also don't like me

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 08/07/2023 15:38

Because it was going to come out one day so wouldn't it be better that they stop lying and that they just mentioned it?
They're not lying.

They're having two separate relationships with two people who are non-contact with each other.

It's not their news to share.

Coralsunset · 08/07/2023 15:38

I’m really confused here.

Why would you expect to get invited to someone’s wedding if you are NC with them?

NC means NC. A family member is NC with me (and pretty much all the females in her family) but I regularly see my remaining sibling who still sees the person I am NC with.

We never ever discuss them, ever. Because we are NC with each other. I might not even be told when they die, and that’s fine with me.

landbeforegrime · 08/07/2023 15:39

it sounds like you are the one dragging your family into this. presumably your nc sister didn't want you to know. i feel really sorry for the rest of your family as they won't be able to do right for doing wrong and will never win. objectively you should give them a break and get over it. not sure why you care or why you think they should have visited you when they were there for a wedding and so wouldn't have had time to do that as well. all sounds a bit self centred and seld pitying tbh.

GrumpyPanda · 08/07/2023 15:39

If you're the one who cut your sister off then she's probably hurt and it would be incredibly entitled of you to expect to be kept up on her life.

If it's the reverse then yes, YANBU. That would also mean your family members are complicit in her treatment of you.

SadKendall · 08/07/2023 15:39

I'm leaning strongly towards YABU on this one.

standardduck · 08/07/2023 15:40

Sorry, but I think YABU.

It sounds like your family is in the middle of it. You are NC with your sibling, of course they will meet her or celebrate life milestones with her without you. I don't see why you should be informed if you are not in touch.

It also doesn't seem like you cared about being invited, so I am not sure why you are upset.

You haven't answered why you went NC - I think that will have a lot to do with it.

TheBeesKnee · 08/07/2023 15:40

You sound like incredibly hard work.

Why did your sister go NC with you?

Original poster
TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 15:41

@LakieLady mayne I didn't make
It clear. I wouldn't have gone if invited and I don't care I wasn't invited. That's not the concern. It's how my family acted - lying about it behind my back and not being truthful when asked.

OP posts:
Landndialamrhf · 08/07/2023 15:41

They’re not lying. You’re NC. It’s not your business
just like your life isn’t the NC siblings business
they’re being there for both of you and being respectful of everyone’s private business.
if you chose to go NC then this is a natural consequence of that
if sibling chose to, you need to think about why and how you can rectify it, if you care
if you don’t care, then let this go.

Curseofthenation · 08/07/2023 15:42

There must be more to this for your sibling to just cut you out. You must know why she is NC. You're very 'woe is me' but my guess is you did something shitty.

Merryoldgoat · 08/07/2023 15:42

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 15:41

@LakieLady mayne I didn't make
It clear. I wouldn't have gone if invited and I don't care I wasn't invited. That's not the concern. It's how my family acted - lying about it behind my back and not being truthful when asked.

Well this is clearly a lie.

Original poster
TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 15:42

@Merryoldgoat how so?

OP posts:
Coralsunset · 08/07/2023 15:42

TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 15:31

Because it's a bit shut that I was the only family member not to be invited.... and left out. Which has happened before etc. This was 2021 where restrictions were lifted

Show quote history

But upthread you are saying it was shit you weren’t invited…

Original poster
TomorrowToday · 08/07/2023 15:43

Curseofthenation · 08/07/2023 15:42

There must be more to this for your sibling to just cut you out. You must know why she is NC. You're very 'woe is me' but my guess is you did something shitty.

Who knows.

OP posts:
Curseofthenation · 08/07/2023 15:44

@TomorrowToday Bullshit.