To not like my engagement ring and want to change it...

[heregoesnothing583959]

I know I'm going to get flamed for this and likely ripped to shreds by everyone but here goes.

My partner proposed to me on holiday, which was great and very sweet. We are both not the most socially outgoing types and he's quite uncomfortable with all the attention this news will bring so I haven't told a soul yet. I said yes, obviously.

We were in a country with a high crime rate so he had a temporary dummy ring for that and also because my actual ring hadn't arrived yet. It came yesterday and it's exactly the style I'd liked but the diamond is so tiny it's just lost on my hand.

I didn't want to be ungrateful as he really has tried here and the style of it is my dream ring, and he picked something from Tiffany all by himself. That may have a part to play as I know they mark up prices for everything. Anyway the diamond is a 0.22 carat and while it is very very sparkly it is so so small it's barely noticeable.

Do I just keep quiet about this even though I don't totally love it, or do I be honest - I'd be willing to pay for the difference to say change to a 0.5 carat diamond instead but don't want to offend him by suggesting this. I'm not after some big 2carat ring or something. I assume the platinum think band itself was pricey. I've no idea how much it cost and I know I don't need to know that, I don't know if upgrading the diamond by half a carat is going to be unreasonable either.

What would you do here? Do I just wear it regardless or should I be honest and try not to offend him while I do?

Thanks all... let the beating begin...

I’d find an away to gently tell him you’ll get more for your money buying something in Hatton Garden and get something else.

Did he think you'd like a ring from Tiffany's? Because basically it sounds like you think it looks a bit cheap

My husband and I had talked about marriage for a long time and he knew I wanted to help choose my ring. He was absolutely fine about that as he wanted me to love it.

When the time came for him to propose he’d been talking to some of his colleagues in the office and the women all told him he HAD to buy the ring to propose, it would be terrible to propose without one. They told him the kind of style to go for (over the top and blingy) and he went and bought one. It was 4 sizes too big and the total opposite of what I would have chosen.

It had to go back to the jewelers for re-sizing and on the way there he said if you see something you’d like better we can change it. So we looked at the rings and we chose one together… and I absolutely love it. I know some people definitely thought I was being ungrateful by not keeping the ring he chose but he quickly put them in their place telling them he shouldn’t have been influenced by colleagues and he wouldn’t want to wear something that didn’t suit him day in and day out so why should I.

My husband has since passed away but the memory of that day, when we chose the ring together, is still one of my favorites.

This was almost exactly what happened to me. Diamond was tiny but I kept it because he chose it. After about 12 years the little diamond fell out (it was a cheapish ring, not Tiffany!) I then stopped wearing it for a couple of years until we got round to fixing it and then took the opportunity to get a bigger diamond (but still pretty modest). I do prefer the new version as the previous diamond was so miniscule you could hardly see it so maybe I should have been braver at the start and got a bigger one then, but it felt a bit grabby. Maybe as you have to have it altered anyway you should take the opportunity to upgrade it a bit - just tell him you love it but just feel like the proportions don't work on your hand so you're going to see if they can set a slightly bigger diamond. Shouldn't be a big deal?

Another option, you don't have to wear the engagement ring alongside your wedding band once married, I don't because the rings we chose don't go with the engagement ring. Have it kept in a box for our children one day.

The fact he even tried to buy one is pretty awesome. And from Tiffany’s too. He obviously bought it thinking you’d love it and that would mean so much to me. I’d still change it though, but only because you could have a bigger and (hopefully) cheaper one that you are proud to wear.
Congratulations x

@heregoesnothing583959

I'm glad you were able to have an honest and productive conversation, which is the most important indicator for your future, and I hope you've found something you're happy with.

I spent quite a few years wearing an engagement ring I didn't love - it was also a Tiffany and, quite honestly, way too much for me. I stopped wearing it after having our first child and sort of just left in in the safe. When my DH asked and I confessed, he was more hurt that I hadn't been honest than that I hadn't liked the ring. It's still in the safe in case one of the kids wants it (they won't - no one their age seems to like diamonds) and I wear an antique diamond that we chose together and that makes me happy every time I look down.

@RosesAndHellebores

You haggled the price at one of the names above? That's surprising. Just for amusement, I banged £2500 into an inflation calculator for 1991-2022 and it came out as equalling just over £6200, for 2023, £6800, so it really didn't hold value any better than any other diamond of a similar size, cut and quality. Jewellery from those retailers may hold value for collectors and people who care deeply about the provenance. They will be more expensive to insure, but that value won't add up to much in the real world unless it's enormous, a rare antique, or unique or limited edition piece. Tiffany diamonds, for example, are sometimes seen as better, but that's really because their lowest grade is excellent and their lowest colour is I - any GIA-graded stone with those parameters is going to be just as good.

A .22c solitaire from Tiffany is showing on the website as £2.5K 😬 The next size up is still only .85c and that's £9.8K! Absolutely bonkers prices !! I think you could sell it op by saying you are worried he was ripped off and you could both get a getter ring by going to a more independent jeweller: my engagement ring is a 2.25C Emerald
Cut trilogy in platinum and cost £2.5K. Admittedly that was 16 years ago but even still wow 🙈

Be gracious and accept…you seem grabby and questioning your compatibility.

honestly who do some people on Mumsnet think they are.

You hopefully will be sharing your life and this engagement ring with your DP for many many years, why not be honest, say you love it but would like to change one thing. Start your life together off honestly. Congratulations

It's as normal to haggle at a good jeweller as it is to haggle over a car or a house.

I think the point is that the value has kept pace with inflation, that is often not the case for less prestigious jewellery.

Seriously? The ring size or diamond size doesn't matter. The msn you love chose it for you...🙄

And when the OP explained she didn’t like it, he decided he’d rather return it for a ring she loved rather than deciding his ego was more important than the preferences of the person who is going to wear the ring in question.

That’s what sounds like a good prospect for a husband to me.

It’s unfortunate he somehow got the impression that (as in past centuries), the man chooses the ring and the woman has no say other than in saying yes or no to the entire proposal but when it was explained to him that these days most couples choose the ring together, he immediately took steps to correct his mistake. Again, a good sign for the future relationship.

Fucking hell your standards must be low 😂 together for ten years and he produces a tiny diamond that isn’t to the OPs taste? He’s not doing her a favour by proposing.

It sounds like a doormat to me but then that seems to be the expectation of modern men. It’s common sense to choose a ring together but that ruins the perfect proposal that so many women seem to demand expect.

A .22 diamond solitaire is a very teeny diamond. There is nothing wrong with that but it's small.
Here is a .2 diamond solitaire from Samual's only £325. The teeny diamond has been surrounded by a circle of gold to make it appear bigger.

A diamond that size doesn't suit being in a solitaire type ring. It would look nice in a band perhaps with some other semi precious stones. There is no need to spend much on a ring but I think it's a mistake to spend money on a ring that isn't that nice.

I love diamonds. I've a few older ones that might not be ethical diamonds but all my newer ones and bigger ones are ethically mined and are either from Australia or Canada. They are fully certified and have microscopic laser inscriptions inside them. There is no way that diamond mining can be classed as environmentally ok though. So I judge any eco warriors who have diamonds.
Mine bring me daily joy! They sparkle so much and send out little rainbows. 🌈
I choose my own engagement ring. My husband got an equal 'engagement' present that he wanted.

@heregoesnothing583959

Hope you have had a lovely afternoon
Are you able to post a picture of the ring you've bought together or any that you've tried on?
Love looking at engagement rings

Could you have his diamond set into a smaller band? The band on mine is very delicate, and I've gone the same way for the wedding ring, I found any with stones deminished the engagement ring. (Not married yet)

If it was the whole style you hated I think you could ask to change it but saying the diamond is too small is a bit grabby even offering to pay the difference. It'll be more practical for day to day wear, if it's too big I'd be worried about it getting caught on things

ETA (why can't we edit posts!) Maybe he couldn't afford a bigger diamond? If the band is platinum like you say that's the best quality, having platinum and a bigger diamond would have put the costs up. Platinum is most hard wearing over time apparently.

Definitely change it if you're not happy. Its your ring, and you who has to wear it for the rest of your life. I changed mine, although to be fair, my now husband did say when he chose it, "he knew I wouldn't like it" WTF?! 🤣 He's a good husband so I'll let him off, but he got the ring and proposal so so wrong! Congratulations by the way ❤️

Yeah, ok. 🙄

I wanted to pop back on with an update and thank everyone who was so understanding and helpful with their advice.

We had a lovely day in one particular spot at Hatton Garden. My "fiancé" was so much more comfortable in this setting - the location was great and not pushy at all, spent a few hours there in the end learning about all the different diamonds and how to differentiate, designing something we both input into and to be honest we both agreed it blows the Tiffany ring out of the water.

They didn't hard sell anything and have told me to go away and think about it; it was such a relaxed and non pushy day and we both had a conversation and understood where the other was coming from. New ring is likely to be under budget too, I can get a 1 carat lab diamond for under 2k. I could go bigger but despite some peoples interpretation this was never about the value of the ring at all. The extra money will go back in his pocket.

Thank you so much for all of your help - taking him off out to dinner now to celebrate 🥳🥳

I forgot to say before, congratulations to both of you on your engagement!

Great to hear your update!

Good update.

What a super update OP! I’m so glad you’ve got something you’re both happy with and had a lovely experience getting it.