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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like my engagement ring and want to change it...

254 replies

heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 11:44

I know I'm going to get flamed for this and likely ripped to shreds by everyone but here goes.

My partner proposed to me on holiday, which was great and very sweet. We are both not the most socially outgoing types and he's quite uncomfortable with all the attention this news will bring so I haven't told a soul yet. I said yes, obviously.

We were in a country with a high crime rate so he had a temporary dummy ring for that and also because my actual ring hadn't arrived yet. It came yesterday and it's exactly the style I'd liked but the diamond is so tiny it's just lost on my hand.

I didn't want to be ungrateful as he really has tried here and the style of it is my dream ring, and he picked something from Tiffany all by himself. That may have a part to play as I know they mark up prices for everything. Anyway the diamond is a 0.22 carat and while it is very very sparkly it is so so small it's barely noticeable.

Do I just keep quiet about this even though I don't totally love it, or do I be honest - I'd be willing to pay for the difference to say change to a 0.5 carat diamond instead but don't want to offend him by suggesting this. I'm not after some big 2carat ring or something. I assume the platinum think band itself was pricey. I've no idea how much it cost and I know I don't need to know that, I don't know if upgrading the diamond by half a carat is going to be unreasonable either.

What would you do here? Do I just wear it regardless or should I be honest and try not to offend him while I do?

Thanks all... let the beating begin...

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
LadyBird1973 · 08/07/2023 22:26

Oh that's good. And Tiffany are okay about giving a refund?

Mischance · 08/07/2023 22:33

The ring is an expression of his love for you; and he chose it himself specially for you. I will say no more.

tiktokoclock · 08/07/2023 22:35

Lovely update! Enjoy your celebrations!

Kingsparkle · 08/07/2023 22:38

Lovely update OP, what a lovely day to look back on and be reminded of every time you look at your ring.

ChilliPixie · 09/07/2023 10:43

Ahh lovely update and by the sounds of it what a lovely day! Congratulations on your engagement 💍

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 10/07/2023 21:33

I wasn’t the biggest fan of my own engagement ring, but it was chosen with love and I wore it proudly. Over the years, as we got to know each other better, he bought me an eternity ring that I adored, that was bought with as much love, but also with the understanding of the style I would appreciate.

Mamabear48 · 10/07/2023 21:54

Wow you sound ungrateful. I wouldn’t suggest getting a bigger diamond to him it will hurt his feelings. Just suck it up and move on.

Kingsparkle · 10/07/2023 21:59

Read the updates people, the OP does not need your personally attacks. The issue is happily resolved.

Kingsparkle · 10/07/2023 21:59

*personal

Sofita90 · 10/07/2023 22:08

My ring is a solitere from Tiffany 0.31 carats and costs 2,250 pounds. I assume 0.5 carats will be about 3k . You may find something like mine ,slightly bigger of what he has . He will not notice for sure but i think you should be able to be honest with your husband . This is mine

To not like my engagement ring and want to change it...
kraftyKitten · 10/07/2023 22:24

Keep the ring but choose a lovely eternity ring together after your marriage, one that will set off the engagement ring

TaylorSwiftFan · 10/07/2023 22:37

Great update you are happy!

What style did you go for?

THEDEACON · 10/07/2023 22:53

So he's bought you a TIFFANY platinum and diamond ring and it's not good enough for you Of course you are going to hurt him bywantig a bigger diamond

Kingsparkle · 10/07/2023 23:08

@THEDEACON - you can hit see all next to the OPs first post before commenting. Luckily she didn’t take the advice you and some others gave and had an adult conversation with her DP and came to a lovely conclusion. TIFFANY is not the be-all and end-all. Most decent people would want their partner to have something they loved.

Mrsdht · 11/07/2023 15:52

Also together 10 years but we are, I imagine, older than you and we have 4 kids between us. Also got a haribo ring in Rome. He would, even after all these years, have no idea of what ring I wanted so we chose one together. Even I changed my mind when I got there. I purposely did not choose a small diamond...because they were so expensive!

ManateeFair · 11/07/2023 16:26

heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 20:03

I wanted to pop back on with an update and thank everyone who was so understanding and helpful with their advice.

We had a lovely day in one particular spot at Hatton Garden. My "fiancé" was so much more comfortable in this setting - the location was great and not pushy at all, spent a few hours there in the end learning about all the different diamonds and how to differentiate, designing something we both input into and to be honest we both agreed it blows the Tiffany ring out of the water.

They didn't hard sell anything and have told me to go away and think about it; it was such a relaxed and non pushy day and we both had a conversation and understood where the other was coming from. New ring is likely to be under budget too, I can get a 1 carat lab diamond for under 2k. I could go bigger but despite some peoples interpretation this was never about the value of the ring at all. The extra money will go back in his pocket.

Thank you so much for all of your help - taking him off out to dinner now to celebrate 🥳🥳

Hooray! I love a happy ending to a story.

Congratulations on the engagement x

windywalk · 11/07/2023 22:13

I'm single with zero intentions of getting married.
On the back of this post I have just had a lovely time picking out an engagement ring out Blush

Rooroo42 · 12/07/2023 09:03

If it doesn’t fit then it needs to be sent back anyway there’s no point in adding the expense of resizing. So send it back, go to Jewellers together and get one that fits. I don’t think it needs to be a big issue and yes he would of paid over the odds just because it’s a Tiffany ring. Find something that fits and suits your hand, I have very small hands so my rings have very slim bands otherwise I wouldn’t of been able to add a wedding or eternity ring so maybe broach it that way

Fuchs1a · 12/07/2023 10:12

Rooroo42 · 12/07/2023 09:03

If it doesn’t fit then it needs to be sent back anyway there’s no point in adding the expense of resizing. So send it back, go to Jewellers together and get one that fits. I don’t think it needs to be a big issue and yes he would of paid over the odds just because it’s a Tiffany ring. Find something that fits and suits your hand, I have very small hands so my rings have very slim bands otherwise I wouldn’t of been able to add a wedding or eternity ring so maybe broach it that way

Maybe read all of OPs posts

HulaChick · 13/07/2023 07:37

Tbh, I think you should just wear it and be appreciative that he was do incredibly thoughtful. If you don't like the size of diamond, buy another 'normal' diamond ring to wear on another finger. However, this is exactly why I would hate for a man proposing to me to choose the ring; I'd much rather there was a proposal and then go ring shopping together afterwards. I do think you risk really hurting his feelings by saying something and will sour your whole proposal. I would not want to do that to someone.

LadyBird1973 · 13/07/2023 07:50

But engagement rings are really expensive and the OP would be wearing it hopefully forever. A woman can appreciate the gesture and still not like the ring - so long as a woman is polite about it, there's no reason for him to be hurt - she still loves him and wants to spend their lives together.
But jewellery is very personal and she should wear something she loves.

This is a risk men run when the propose with a ring they've chosen and not taken into account the recipient's taste.

ThisIsACoolUserName · 13/07/2023 08:12

DH and I got married 10 years ago and my diamond is tiny too!

As a few years went by, I thought I'd probably want to get something bigger as I got older, but I am older now (and we have more money), and upgrading would feel like faking the past.

If I was only just engaged and it bothered me, I might get it replaced straight away though.

GC30 · 13/07/2023 08:28

So I had exactly this with my husband. He went to bond st, so prices marked up, and bought correct style but diamond was tiny, got lost on my hand and I really didn't like it. Was not about what he spent just where he chose to spend it, yes the thought counts but you are wearing this ring for the rest of your life.

I chose to keep quiet so as not to hurt his feelings, he gets wounded easily. Over the years, having to look at it every day I just hated it more and more and began to feel annoyed with him that he had chosen to go somewhere so expensive which just wasn't necessary. One day it just came out as part of an argument about other things, he was more upset I felt I couldn't tell him and of course now it is too late to change. I haven't worn it for 3 years now, it just sits in a drawer.

From my experience, it is better to broach it with him now whilst you can change it. Can always just explain so thoughtful of him and sweet to go somewhere special like Tiffany's but the ring gets lost on your hand etc. You have to wear this ring forever, yes his feeling may be hurt for a moment but it is better than looking at something everyday that you don't like. I so wish I spoke up.

Likewhatever · 13/07/2023 08:58

I think it’s fine to change the ring. Don’t tell him it’s because the diamond is too small because that will sound as though you think he hasn’t spent enough. Just say it doesn’t fit and rather than resize, choose a style together you prefer. You could suggest choosing your wedding rings at the same time, that would give you the excuse to change it for something matching.

Hibiscrubbed · 13/07/2023 09:29

Great to read, OP. It’s a good sign of a mature relationship that you were honest and you both worked together to get it right for both of you. And it sounds fun going out to choose together.