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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like my engagement ring and want to change it...

254 replies

heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 11:44

I know I'm going to get flamed for this and likely ripped to shreds by everyone but here goes.

My partner proposed to me on holiday, which was great and very sweet. We are both not the most socially outgoing types and he's quite uncomfortable with all the attention this news will bring so I haven't told a soul yet. I said yes, obviously.

We were in a country with a high crime rate so he had a temporary dummy ring for that and also because my actual ring hadn't arrived yet. It came yesterday and it's exactly the style I'd liked but the diamond is so tiny it's just lost on my hand.

I didn't want to be ungrateful as he really has tried here and the style of it is my dream ring, and he picked something from Tiffany all by himself. That may have a part to play as I know they mark up prices for everything. Anyway the diamond is a 0.22 carat and while it is very very sparkly it is so so small it's barely noticeable.

Do I just keep quiet about this even though I don't totally love it, or do I be honest - I'd be willing to pay for the difference to say change to a 0.5 carat diamond instead but don't want to offend him by suggesting this. I'm not after some big 2carat ring or something. I assume the platinum think band itself was pricey. I've no idea how much it cost and I know I don't need to know that, I don't know if upgrading the diamond by half a carat is going to be unreasonable either.

What would you do here? Do I just wear it regardless or should I be honest and try not to offend him while I do?

Thanks all... let the beating begin...

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Nordicrain · 08/07/2023 11:45

I think it is likely to offend him to want to change it for a bigger diamond, yes. It’s suggesting you don’t think he spent enough on you.

ButterCrackers · 08/07/2023 11:47

Keep it as it is. The size of diamond doesn’t matter it’s the thought that counts.

Original poster
heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 11:48

It's also too big which isn't an issue as my fingers are tiny - so it will need to be resized anyway, so I was wondering if I could tackle both issues at once.

I feel ungrateful.. but it's not that, I just have to wear this forever and the band is so thick, and the stone so small, it just looks off...

OP posts:
Luckingfovely · 08/07/2023 11:50

If you don't like it change it. In theory you're going to be wearing it for the rest of your life, and it's madness to wear something you don't like for that long.

Placing all this mawkish sentiment on the original stone is a bit silly, I think.

Go to a good local jeweller/goldsmith and get a quote to replace it with a bigger diamond. Have the little one made into a pendant or something.

Iamblossom · 08/07/2023 11:50

Can we see a picture so we can give an informed opinion?

MoveOnTheCards · 08/07/2023 11:51

I think you should keep the stone he chose. But I would then look at what style wedding band might give you a bit more of the total look you want. Mine has stones in it that dial-up the bling but my engagement ring is a very simple (but beautiful) design in itself.

Landlubber2019 · 08/07/2023 11:51

Sorry this might be the answer, but if my fiance chose an engagement ring unless it was hideous, I would accept the ring graciously.

Tbh if I gave someone a Tiffany ring and they would prefer to upgrade the carat, I would take this as a red flag and reconsider our compatibility.

I would carefully consider if the marriage will flourish and your lifestyle expectations going forward will be met.

Original poster
heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 11:51

Iamblossom · 08/07/2023 11:50

Can we see a picture so we can give an informed opinion?

I am really worried he's going to find this thread as it's already so outing!

OP posts:
YallaYallaaa · 08/07/2023 11:52

I also have an engagement ring I wouldn’t have chosen, but I love it because DH cared enough to choose it for me.

If you hated the style I think you might be able to say something without hurting him, but I can’t imagine a way of wording ‘the diamond you bought me is too small’ that comes across well.

Luckingfovely · 08/07/2023 11:53

Another option would be to add a halo of small diamonds around the original stone - this can make it look a lot bigger and more impactful.

I'm so tired of this sentiment that because the big important man has bought his lucky lucky little woman a ring, she should automatically love it and wear it forever. It's 2023, ffs.

Original poster
heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 11:54

Landlubber2019 · 08/07/2023 11:51

Sorry this might be the answer, but if my fiance chose an engagement ring unless it was hideous, I would accept the ring graciously.

Tbh if I gave someone a Tiffany ring and they would prefer to upgrade the carat, I would take this as a red flag and reconsider our compatibility.

I would carefully consider if the marriage will flourish and your lifestyle expectations going forward will be met.

I don't have any 'lifestyle expectations'. We have been together for over a decade, split everything equally, I don't depend on him or ask him to buy me anything. This is the only piece of jewellery he's ever bought me. Its just such a thick band and small stone that everything looks the same size.

OP posts:
savethatkitty · 08/07/2023 11:54

Most people will say you are being ungrateful & you should accept what is offered.

I say, you are the one who has to wear it/look at it on a daily basis, so if it's not your thing speak up!

Get what you want

Sapphire387 · 08/07/2023 11:55

This is a natural consequence of a man picking an engagement ring without input from the woman involved.

Personally I would go for a totally different style of ring - it does seem a bit grabby to just want a bigger diamond.

noglow · 08/07/2023 11:55

Ordinarily I'd say it's fine to ask to change if the style doesn't suit but no, you're being unreasonable to expect to upgrade it. He's put thought into it. He's bought what he can afford in the style you like. You'd basically be saying he hasn't spent enough. Unless you're willing to swap it for a cubic zirconia and let him have the money I think you'll hurt him.

Original poster
heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 11:56

savethatkitty · 08/07/2023 11:54

Most people will say you are being ungrateful & you should accept what is offered.

I say, you are the one who has to wear it/look at it on a daily basis, so if it's not your thing speak up!

Get what you want

Thank you, this is why I'm wondering if I pay for it, it might help.. but also he may not take that suggestion well either

OP posts:
Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 08/07/2023 11:56

Being resized may make it more balanced?

twointhemorning · 08/07/2023 11:57

Not much help really, but that's why I chose my own ring... (we went shopping together with a budget in Birmingham's Jewellery Quarter). Originally was going for a 0.50 carat and ended up going for a 0.70 carat as it looked more in proportion.

I'm not sure there's any nice way to ask to upgrade the stone size

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 08/07/2023 11:57

I had the opposite problem in that the stone was a lovely big rectangular one and it got in the way at work when I was typing or playing the piano. I got used to it over time but my first reaction was that it was too big!
The important thing is that he chose it for you, would he be offended if you asked to change it?

noglow · 08/07/2023 11:57

YallaYallaaa · 08/07/2023 11:52

I also have an engagement ring I wouldn’t have chosen, but I love it because DH cared enough to choose it for me.

If you hated the style I think you might be able to say something without hurting him, but I can’t imagine a way of wording ‘the diamond you bought me is too small’ that comes across well.

Yeah that's the thing. The size of the diamond is whats bugging you and yeah that does sound ungrateful tbh. Unless as I suggest you offer to swap for a much cheaper stone

Aprilx · 08/07/2023 11:57

Oh this is tricky. I am normally of the view that the women picks her own ring seeing as she is the one who will be wearing it. But as you are not objecting to the style but the size of the diamond, it really isn’t going to come across well. If you said you would like a narrower band would that help?

Original poster
heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 11:57

Sapphire387 · 08/07/2023 11:55

This is a natural consequence of a man picking an engagement ring without input from the woman involved.

Personally I would go for a totally different style of ring - it does seem a bit grabby to just want a bigger diamond.

That's what I'm worried about. I think the bulk of the money has gone into the thick platinum band that I could take or leave if that makes sense. I just want a simple band with one stone - I'd be happy if the band was silver.

OP posts:
cheesecakesss · 08/07/2023 11:57

I would just tell him you don't like it and choose one together. You don't want to be looking at something for years to come and not like it.

I think you should be able to be honest if you're getting married.

maximist · 08/07/2023 11:58

Could you say you need to swap it for a different size, so you need the receipt. Then get the different size but with a bigger stone (obs you pay the difference) and either hope he doesn't notice or say how strange it is that the stone in the new ring looks bigger, it must be an optical illusion....

Nordicrain · 08/07/2023 11:58

heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 11:57

That's what I'm worried about. I think the bulk of the money has gone into the thick platinum band that I could take or leave if that makes sense. I just want a simple band with one stone - I'd be happy if the band was silver.

Show quote history

So basically you don’t like anything about the ring her chose?

noglow · 08/07/2023 11:58

Aprilx · 08/07/2023 11:57

Oh this is tricky. I am normally of the view that the women picks her own ring seeing as she is the one who will be wearing it. But as you are not objecting to the style but the size of the diamond, it really isn’t going to come across well. If you said you would like a narrower band would that help?

Good shout. Ask to swap for a narrower band?