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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like my engagement ring and want to change it...

254 replies

heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 11:44

I know I'm going to get flamed for this and likely ripped to shreds by everyone but here goes.

My partner proposed to me on holiday, which was great and very sweet. We are both not the most socially outgoing types and he's quite uncomfortable with all the attention this news will bring so I haven't told a soul yet. I said yes, obviously.

We were in a country with a high crime rate so he had a temporary dummy ring for that and also because my actual ring hadn't arrived yet. It came yesterday and it's exactly the style I'd liked but the diamond is so tiny it's just lost on my hand.

I didn't want to be ungrateful as he really has tried here and the style of it is my dream ring, and he picked something from Tiffany all by himself. That may have a part to play as I know they mark up prices for everything. Anyway the diamond is a 0.22 carat and while it is very very sparkly it is so so small it's barely noticeable.

Do I just keep quiet about this even though I don't totally love it, or do I be honest - I'd be willing to pay for the difference to say change to a 0.5 carat diamond instead but don't want to offend him by suggesting this. I'm not after some big 2carat ring or something. I assume the platinum think band itself was pricey. I've no idea how much it cost and I know I don't need to know that, I don't know if upgrading the diamond by half a carat is going to be unreasonable either.

What would you do here? Do I just wear it regardless or should I be honest and try not to offend him while I do?

Thanks all... let the beating begin...

OP posts:
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5
Littlemissprosecco · 08/07/2023 11:59

Can’t you just say you’re not sure on the style now it’s actually on your finger. And when you go in to get it resized see what else there is?

Original poster
heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 11:59

Aprilx · 08/07/2023 11:57

Oh this is tricky. I am normally of the view that the women picks her own ring seeing as she is the one who will be wearing it. But as you are not objecting to the style but the size of the diamond, it really isn’t going to come across well. If you said you would like a narrower band would that help?

I could look at this but then I think it would need to be a full refund from Tiffany... and that would upset him as he would think he did a bad job. I feel like I can't win... it's honestly not about value it's just proportions

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 08/07/2023 11:59

heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 11:57

That's what I'm worried about. I think the bulk of the money has gone into the thick platinum band that I could take or leave if that makes sense. I just want a simple band with one stone - I'd be happy if the band was silver.

Show quote history

Yeah totally fair enough. So it sounds like you do actually want a different ring with a slimmer band and bigger stone by proportion. You need to have this conversation with him and just say it isn't really your style, and see about shopping together for one.

StephanieSuperpowers · 08/07/2023 11:59

Bring it in to Tiffany to get it resized and just ask if you can quietly make the swap. Pay for it yourself. Say nothing.

Maireas · 08/07/2023 12:00

Why didn't you choose a ring together?
I find it odd that women nowadays leave it up to the man.
It's not to your liking, talk to him and get something different that suits you.

Original poster
heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 12:00

maximist · 08/07/2023 11:58

Could you say you need to swap it for a different size, so you need the receipt. Then get the different size but with a bigger stone (obs you pay the difference) and either hope he doesn't notice or say how strange it is that the stone in the new ring looks bigger, it must be an optical illusion....

I did wonder this.. I'm not even sure how much extra it will be but obviously i'd he happy to pay it myself

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 08/07/2023 12:01

Can I ask why you didn't choose the ring together?

noglow · 08/07/2023 12:01

Maireas · 08/07/2023 12:00

Why didn't you choose a ring together?
I find it odd that women nowadays leave it up to the man.
It's not to your liking, talk to him and get something different that suits you.

Because its a gift?

Original poster
heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 12:01

Maireas · 08/07/2023 12:00

Why didn't you choose a ring together?
I find it odd that women nowadays leave it up to the man.
It's not to your liking, talk to him and get something different that suits you.

I didn't leave it up to him it totally caught me by surprise

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 08/07/2023 12:02

Landlubber2019 · 08/07/2023 11:51

Sorry this might be the answer, but if my fiance chose an engagement ring unless it was hideous, I would accept the ring graciously.

Tbh if I gave someone a Tiffany ring and they would prefer to upgrade the carat, I would take this as a red flag and reconsider our compatibility.

I would carefully consider if the marriage will flourish and your lifestyle expectations going forward will be met.

I tend to agree with this.

Original poster
heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 12:02

StephanieSuperpowers · 08/07/2023 11:59

Bring it in to Tiffany to get it resized and just ask if you can quietly make the swap. Pay for it yourself. Say nothing.

This is my first option but they don't even show the smaller sizes online so I don't know what kind of price this will be. I need to make sure I have the money 😂

The first rings on their site start at 15k and they don't show the smaller ones

OP posts:
StephanieSuperpowers · 08/07/2023 12:02

If it's any consolation, OP, if you do this, you won't be the first they've seen. It's not an unusual situation.

Maireas · 08/07/2023 12:03

That could be a solution - but, thinking of a lifetime ahead - be honest. Really. You can acknowledge that he had good intentions and just say you'd prefer a different ring.
I'm sure he'd rather you were happy!

Original poster
heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 12:03

cushioncovers · 08/07/2023 12:01

Can I ask why you didn't choose the ring together?

Because I didn't ask him to propose to me?! I had no idea this was happening.

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 08/07/2023 12:03

I’d just be honest and say it’s not your style, maybe pick a different ring together from somewhere else where you could get a slightly bigger diamond without the Tiffany price tag. You’re going to wear it for the rest of your life.

Original poster
heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 12:03

StephanieSuperpowers · 08/07/2023 12:02

If it's any consolation, OP, if you do this, you won't be the first they've seen. It's not an unusual situation.

Thank you

OP posts:
sixthvestibule · 08/07/2023 12:03

Maybe wait a bit and change it once you get your wedding rings? Explain to him then that the stone needs to be a bit bigger to accentuate the difference between the two.

Plunkplink · 08/07/2023 12:04

I got bored with my engagement ring so switch it round, I’ve swapped it for silver junk rings, and much more expensive rings, I’ve still got my engagement ring I very rarely wear it. who cares.
to be honest I’d get it changed asap, you might learn a lot about your relationship in the process, who wants to wear a piece of jewellery they don’t like

Kesiat · 08/07/2023 12:04

I changed my ring a lot. I hated the first one so much I cried. I also thought the original diamond was too small for my hand as well as other issues with the general design. My fiancé was understandably upset but we discussed how I would have to wear it every day, not him and he understood. I did keep the original diamond though, but added
more that complemented the first. I love it now and it did end up costing more, but we’re happily planning the wedding and it’s a funny ‘how fussy are you’ story now. He is making me chose the wedding bands though, which is fair enough!

AngryBirdsNoMore · 08/07/2023 12:04

Haven’t read the other comments.

I don’t think it’s ungrateful at all: you’re going to wear it every day for hopefully the rest of your life. I was in a similar position to you - DH proposed with a dummy ring, then went to Tiffany’s to find something permanent. Difference is he didn’t pull the trigger on Tiffany’s because he said it all began to look the same to him and because he felt he was paying for the label - so we went to Hatton Gardens together to pick something. And it was a lovely afternoon together.

There is a massive mark up on Tiffany’s jewellery. You’ll get more for your money if you go to the jewellery / diamond quarter in your nearest big city - Hatton Garden being the best in London.

I’d say to him that you love the ring but that it feels disproportionate on your hand and you’d like to look at getting a more proportionate stone from somewhere which won’t charge you for the brand so much as the quality. Say you’d like to choose it together because you’re the one who’ll wear it forever.

If your relationship can’t survive that and he takes offence, he isn’t the right person anyway!

Congratulations on your engagement :)

StephanieSuperpowers · 08/07/2023 12:04

heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 12:02

This is my first option but they don't even show the smaller sizes online so I don't know what kind of price this will be. I need to make sure I have the money 😂

The first rings on their site start at 15k and they don't show the smaller ones

Show quote history

They wouldn't!! But a little chat will clear things up. Find out what you need to know.

Maireas · 08/07/2023 12:04

Luxell934 · 08/07/2023 12:03

I’d just be honest and say it’s not your style, maybe pick a different ring together from somewhere else where you could get a slightly bigger diamond without the Tiffany price tag. You’re going to wear it for the rest of your life.

Yes, I was just coming on to say the same thing.

cocksstrideintheevening · 08/07/2023 12:04

Speak up now, it will annoy you forever.

I don't like my engagement ring, never did, got contact dermatitis during covid with all the bloody sanitiser so took it off, haven't worn it since.

It's an expensive ring, it's not about the £££ but just not my style.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 08/07/2023 12:05

cheesecakesss · 08/07/2023 11:57

I would just tell him you don't like it and choose one together. You don't want to be looking at something for years to come and not like it.

I think you should be able to be honest if you're getting married.

Well, there's honest, and then there's tactless.

An engagement ring isn't an automatic right. It's a gift. Tossing it back as inadequate is an insult.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 08/07/2023 12:06

heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 12:02

This is my first option but they don't even show the smaller sizes online so I don't know what kind of price this will be. I need to make sure I have the money 😂

The first rings on their site start at 15k and they don't show the smaller ones

Show quote history

£15k! Lol.

if DH is ok with it, you can probably just return the original to Tiffany and you’ll get much more for your money in an independent jewellers. And you can have much more choice over design too.