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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like my engagement ring and want to change it...

254 replies

heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 11:44

I know I'm going to get flamed for this and likely ripped to shreds by everyone but here goes.

My partner proposed to me on holiday, which was great and very sweet. We are both not the most socially outgoing types and he's quite uncomfortable with all the attention this news will bring so I haven't told a soul yet. I said yes, obviously.

We were in a country with a high crime rate so he had a temporary dummy ring for that and also because my actual ring hadn't arrived yet. It came yesterday and it's exactly the style I'd liked but the diamond is so tiny it's just lost on my hand.

I didn't want to be ungrateful as he really has tried here and the style of it is my dream ring, and he picked something from Tiffany all by himself. That may have a part to play as I know they mark up prices for everything. Anyway the diamond is a 0.22 carat and while it is very very sparkly it is so so small it's barely noticeable.

Do I just keep quiet about this even though I don't totally love it, or do I be honest - I'd be willing to pay for the difference to say change to a 0.5 carat diamond instead but don't want to offend him by suggesting this. I'm not after some big 2carat ring or something. I assume the platinum think band itself was pricey. I've no idea how much it cost and I know I don't need to know that, I don't know if upgrading the diamond by half a carat is going to be unreasonable either.

What would you do here? Do I just wear it regardless or should I be honest and try not to offend him while I do?

Thanks all... let the beating begin...

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Peony654 · 08/07/2023 14:20

I’m torn as I do think you should have a ring you like. But it seems you just want a bigger diamond rather than a different style or metal? I can see your partner being upset if you do ask to change to a bigger diamond. I have a 0.25 diamond and I like the fact it’s petite and classy

mogtheexcellent · 08/07/2023 14:21

Honestly my DH propsed with a .2ct diamond solitaire and i hated it. It was lost on my fat fingers and i had previously been engaged with an exact same diamond solitaire. Also had claw setting which kept catching.

I barely wore it and remember being relieved 2 years later when it didnt fit following pregnancy. At 10 years i had it reset and now have the two .2 diamonds flanking a central ruby with rubover setting. Which my DH agrees is a much nicer ring.

SaltyCrisps · 08/07/2023 14:22

When you get it resized could you increase the size of the diamond and pay for it yourself without telling him? Would he notice?

mogtheexcellent · 08/07/2023 14:23

And if anyone asks the second diamond was 'my grannys' Blush

SaltyCrisps · 08/07/2023 14:23

Or could you keep the diamond and choose a slimmer band, so that it's more in proportion? I don't think he could be offended by that, if you just tell him the band feels too large rather than that the stone seems too small.

Anewuser · 08/07/2023 14:24

I didn’t like my engagement ring when he proposed. OH realised so we went together looking at rings. He ended up getting me the one I liked as well. So I had 2 rings. (Not that I’m suggesting you need to be greedy, like me). However, 25 years on, it’s his ring I wear daily and never wear ‘mine’.

Your relationship is worth being honest. Yes, you could go into Tiffany pretending to just get the ring sized and then upgrade yourself. He will probably never even notice but you’ll spend the rest of your marriage knowing the lie.

Congratulations on your engagement.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 08/07/2023 14:26

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting an engagement ring you love and I agree he could have got way more for the money then buying one from Tiffany’s.

So many women on here with low standards telling you you should just be grateful, I don’t agree, this is the most important gift your husband will ever buy you and it’s perfectly fine to want something beautiful that you love, even if it’s expensive. I’ll be flamed for this no doubt but I also think it’s fine to want a more expensive ring, provided it’s relative to his income/wouldn’t cause financial difficulty.

Would you consider lab-grown OP if you want something a lot more blingy for the budget? Way more ethical as well so you could say you’d prefer a lab grown and get something much bigger.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/07/2023 14:28

heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 11:48

It's also too big which isn't an issue as my fingers are tiny - so it will need to be resized anyway, so I was wondering if I could tackle both issues at once.

I feel ungrateful.. but it's not that, I just have to wear this forever and the band is so thick, and the stone so small, it just looks off...

I think, when you take it back to be resized look at the other options. You might be able to get a bigger less 'quality' diamond for the same price or not much more. You could tell him you love his choice so much but you've fallen in love with another diamond would he mind at all if you had them swapped at the same time as being resized? Shower him with all sorts of compliments before and after this requests including how romantic Tiffany's is etc

Dazedandmore · 08/07/2023 14:30

Hi OP, is the 0.22 altogether or just the central stone or its 1 stone only? The difference between 0.22 and 0.5 if its 1 stone is HUGE! Pricewise will be thousands more. If its cluster ring will be less.

If you can afford it I would also go the resize route and change the stone size ... I'm pretty sure your partner wouldn't even notice ...

I also don't think you are ungrateful and I don't think you should settle for a ring you don't like . I was very particular about the size of my ring so I get it.

Good luck getting it sorted!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/07/2023 14:31

If you're going to swap it or take it back you could also cal the store to find out what the returns policy is you might have just a few more days to decide

HeldAtHunPoint · 08/07/2023 14:33

You’ll be looking at around £4,000 to upgrade from a 0.2 to a 0.5ish solitaire and I’m not sure it would look much different either.

Fightwithmyface · 08/07/2023 14:35

heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 12:56

No it didn't have to be Tiffany. I think him being clueless he assumed it had to be? I knows I like classic styles and quality over quantity so I guess in his mind it equated to Tiffany.

I agree, we will keep the budget the same and go for a thinner band, slightly bigger stone and it's a win win 😊

Show quote history

What you’re doing is exactly what I would have suggested. Sticking to the same budget shows you’re not being grabby. And although I’m sure he hoped you’d like the ring he chose, I expect he anticipated the possibility that you wouldn’t. Possibly this is why he went to Tiffany? So there would be options to swap?
Still, at Tiffany you’re def paying for the name. You will get much more for your money elsewhere. Good luck.

Justleaveitblankthen · 08/07/2023 14:35

maximist · 08/07/2023 11:58

Could you say you need to swap it for a different size, so you need the receipt. Then get the different size but with a bigger stone (obs you pay the difference) and either hope he doesn't notice or say how strange it is that the stone in the new ring looks bigger, it must be an optical illusion....

Have to say that I would do this. It's only a white lie if you are doing it to spare his feelings.

Batalax · 08/07/2023 14:37

It’s worth upsetting him for a short time in order to avoid upsetting yourself for a lifetime. You need to get it right.

Point out he’s done a great job and got it 98% right but you are glad that your are shopping together this afternoon to get it 100% right, as you’ll have to live with it forever.

Astsjakksmso · 08/07/2023 14:37

I know the problem has been solved but I just want to say... It's not wrong to want a bigger diamond!
It looks like the style he has chosen is thick band with tiny diamond. Which is its own style and many people myself included have it for a wedding ring. The diamond enhanced the band rather than being the star of the show.
An engagement ring is the opposite...

As long as you work within the budget it's not ungrateful I think. As long as you compromise e.g if you want a bigger stone downgrade to lab grown or another stone if diamonds are too pricey

nobodysdaughternow · 08/07/2023 14:38

Put the sentiment to one side (including guilt).

Concentrate on the practicalities:

Because it's a Tiffany ring, he will have spent a lot. Probably as much as he could - or thinks he should - spend.

You are happy to make up thee difference. Tell him you love the ring but would like to invest in a larger diamond and have the money to do this.

This approach reflects the times we live in. Women no longer need men to buy them rings.

My dh bought me the diamond size he could afford. I told him that I wanted to upsize the diamond if we ever got money. In fact, I had to pawn my engagement ring for fuck all when we hit the skids a couple of years ago.

I now have exactly the same ring with a much larger diamond which I bought and paid for.

It gives me joy everyday.

OrchardBloom · 08/07/2023 14:41

I changed my ring, my husband had tried really hard but it just wasn't me! He has a bit of a history of just getting the first thing in his price range so he wasn't sentimental or attached to it. If I am wearing it for the rest of my life then I want to love it!!

My first ring was Tiffany too, but we returned it and I got a ring more my style from goldsmiths which was cheaper. I didn't care if it was a sterling silver cubic zirconia - I just wanted to love it!

LadyBird1973 · 08/07/2023 14:41

I would get the band thinned - the diamond will probably look much bigger in a smaller, more delicate looking band. Especially if your fingers are small. If it's a very sparkly stone, it's probably a good diamond. And maybe get a narrow diamond eternity ring to wear as a wedding ring.

LadyBird1973 · 08/07/2023 14:42

Possibly you could also change the setting to raise it higher if the current setting is quite flat, which would emphasise the diamond.

Astsjakksmso · 08/07/2023 14:43

LadyBird1973 · 08/07/2023 14:42

Possibly you could also change the setting to raise it higher if the current setting is quite flat, which would emphasise the diamond.

Yes it also sounds like OP's diamond isn't set as an engagement ring
More like a wedding band or eternity ring

Gaggley · 08/07/2023 14:44

I was curious about Tiffany engagement rings so looked them up. A platinum 0.22 carat ring is £1600 on Tiffany's website:
https://www.tiffany.co.uk/engagement/engagement-rings/the-tiffany-setting-engagement-ring-in-platinum-GRP10862/the-tiffany-setting-engagement-ring-in-platinum-73150833/

Hope you are able to return it and choose one you like together.

TheLifeofMe · 08/07/2023 14:44

I changed my engagement ring 5 years later. My first ring was lovely but always looked lost on my hand. But it was what my husband could afford as he was paying for his son to go through private education and business want doing so well back then. But so many years later he asked me if I wanted a nicer ring that I would pick myself. And I did. It's an engagement ring and if they can't afford anything better, then wanting to change is a little rude. But if they picked wrong as they are rubbish at knowing what you want, then absolutely get it changed and pay the difference.

LivinDaylights · 08/07/2023 14:46

Change it. I was quite clear what I liked with my husband, circling a ring catalogue helped 😆. He still picked from these and decided when and where he'd propose. I love my ring. Funnily when he proposed it was dark and I didn't care in that moment but I wear that ring everyday and will do for the rest of my life, no way I wouldn't have said if he bought me an ugly ring I didn't like. I'd never be like that about a random present, but you are stuck with this on your hand everywhere you go! Tell him and pick the one you want.

Doggymummar · 08/07/2023 14:48

Gaggley · 08/07/2023 14:44

I was curious about Tiffany engagement rings so looked them up. A platinum 0.22 carat ring is £1600 on Tiffany's website:
https://www.tiffany.co.uk/engagement/engagement-rings/the-tiffany-setting-engagement-ring-in-platinum-GRP10862/the-tiffany-setting-engagement-ring-in-platinum-73150833/

Hope you are able to return it and choose one you like together.

That looks like it would be awkward to get a wedding band to suit to. I doubt they do refund though so would be a credit note or pay to upgrade

Budikka · 08/07/2023 14:51

Think of it like this. The engagement ring was bought by him with his love. Maybe you can insist on buying the wedding ring and somehow make it so that it complements the engagement ring???

To be honest, I think love trumps bling every day of the year!