To not like my engagement ring and want to change it...

[heregoesnothing583959]

I know I'm going to get flamed for this and likely ripped to shreds by everyone but here goes.

My partner proposed to me on holiday, which was great and very sweet. We are both not the most socially outgoing types and he's quite uncomfortable with all the attention this news will bring so I haven't told a soul yet. I said yes, obviously.

We were in a country with a high crime rate so he had a temporary dummy ring for that and also because my actual ring hadn't arrived yet. It came yesterday and it's exactly the style I'd liked but the diamond is so tiny it's just lost on my hand.

I didn't want to be ungrateful as he really has tried here and the style of it is my dream ring, and he picked something from Tiffany all by himself. That may have a part to play as I know they mark up prices for everything. Anyway the diamond is a 0.22 carat and while it is very very sparkly it is so so small it's barely noticeable.

Do I just keep quiet about this even though I don't totally love it, or do I be honest - I'd be willing to pay for the difference to say change to a 0.5 carat diamond instead but don't want to offend him by suggesting this. I'm not after some big 2carat ring or something. I assume the platinum think band itself was pricey. I've no idea how much it cost and I know I don't need to know that, I don't know if upgrading the diamond by half a carat is going to be unreasonable either.

What would you do here? Do I just wear it regardless or should I be honest and try not to offend him while I do?

Thanks all... let the beating begin...

OP, your fiance sounds like a thoughtful and committed guy. If you don't want to accept his ring, don't worry, I'm sure he won't have any trouble finding another woman who will.

Oh come on. Get a bloody grip. If he really loves her it's not this ring or no engagement at all.

If he loves her, he would want her to be happy with the ring. She's not happy.
Tell him the truth, get it changed, and move on with your life OP

Honestly, I have no idea why he would purchase this without your input. You are going to be wearing this everyday and most advice suggests couples should shop together.

Talk to your DH. I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with this thing as you are happy to pay the price difference. The Tiffany mark up is around 300% so personally, I don’t think you’re being grabby because you would have probably been able to get a larger stone with the same budget elsewhere.

I would say to him that you love the ring but couldn't possibly accept something so expensive and insist that he returns it. Then go and choose a less expensive ring together.

I changed my ring a lot. I hated the first one so much I cried.

Genuinely pathetic

Seems like it's a result of getting it from Tiffany's. Half of what you're paying for is the name. I don't think YABU because you're (hopefully) going to have to wear it for the rest of your life. I think be honest, which you should be able to be with your partner of 10 years. You can start with the positives, style and cut of stone is perfect, but.. Or you could take it to be resized yourself and get a bigger stone then on the sly! He might not notice??! Depends on the kind of bloke he is.

I would change it. If you are going to spend the rest of your life together surely you can speak honestly.
He will get over any 'hurt'. You are stuck with the ring.
This is why I chose my own.

As Tiffany is a well known (and equated to luxury) brand then he probably thought that was a good place to get the best he could afford. There's nothing wrong with that, and if you had been specifically wanting a Tiffany ring it would have been fine.
But really you could get better and bigger elsewhere , but if you don't know that, you wouldn't necessarily know where to look.
Regardless of what some pps have said diamonds are graded and certificated so they are directly comparable, and it absolutely is possible to get the same quality elsewhere (a lot cheaper)
Good luck OP I hope you find one you like or even if you don't buy today, get an idea of what suits you better.

I’d ask to change it. You’ll have that ring for the rest of your life so you need to take it back.
Id also not buy from Tiffany’s as you’re paying for the name and could then probably get more diamond for your money.
Im not into diamonds in engagement rings but I’d be really upset if I wanted a diamond engagement ring and it didn’t even have 1 carat in it. It’s the focal point of the ring

Really agree with @AngryBirdsNoMore, if your relationship cannot withstand this conversation, he is not the right one for you.

I'm glad you have found away through this.

I cannot get my head around not picking out my own ring, it suchba personal thing.

Best of luck.

I'm glad you spoke to your BF and that he was happy to look at other rings. I think it's a bit thoughtless to give a gift like that without inviting the recipient to exchange if if they want.

Also platinum is the best choice if you want a white (silver) metal. It's more hard-wearing than white gold and a lot cheaper at the moment

It's something you have to wear everyday so if you don't love it, you're within your rights to say so (kindly and graciously)... I can't understand all this put up and shut up nonsense.

This!

Just read your updates PP. Well done for biting the bullet! I was getting clueless bloke vibes from him and it sounds like that's what it was. He did his best! I'm glad you've been honest with him and hope you find something you really love!

If I wasn't keen on the style I'd say something, but I don't think I could about the size of the stone. But I am fairly low key and unglitzy style wise so a smaller stone would work for me.

Actually on this one point he sounds anything but thoughtful. The general understanding these days is that the couple choose the ring together.

It sounds from the OP’s posts that it’s a one off blip because he’s been mistakenly going by massively old fashioned ‘rules’ which say the man must produce the ring and the woman must be grateful so nobody is screaming ‘red flag’ but if he was actually so unreasonable as to leave her over her not liking the ring (which again, he isn’t and hasn’t), I for one would be saying ‘bullet dodged’.

Quite. You go out TOGETHER to choose one. This has been common practice for decades AFAIK.

So lie 😆? The best marriages start with a lie don't they! She doesn't like it, so why say she loves it? If you are close enough to someone to accept a marriage proposal, you are close enough to say, "I love you and all but that ring is fugly, let's go and pick one I actually like".

I would say majority of couples (IME) choose together but if men choose on their own they often come with pictures, instructions or ideas from their partner!!

Yes, she should wear it. It's 2023. Women to grow up and accept that it's not all about us.

I think if you keep the budget the same, and go for a less chunky band, (plus not a Tiffany brand name) you will find something much more balanced for your hand - which may well allow for a bigger diamond. Congrats on your engagement!

It's not really any different to what some other posters are suggesting in that she secretly gets a larger stone without him knowing, is it not?

Oh bless him. He’s been sucked in by the name. I vote tell him. I’m sure you can do it tactically. He’ll want you to have a ring you love. I agree with not paying more, but go somewhere else.

Is it the appearance of the perceived value that is the issue?