Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like my engagement ring and want to change it...

254 replies

heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 11:44

I know I'm going to get flamed for this and likely ripped to shreds by everyone but here goes.

My partner proposed to me on holiday, which was great and very sweet. We are both not the most socially outgoing types and he's quite uncomfortable with all the attention this news will bring so I haven't told a soul yet. I said yes, obviously.

We were in a country with a high crime rate so he had a temporary dummy ring for that and also because my actual ring hadn't arrived yet. It came yesterday and it's exactly the style I'd liked but the diamond is so tiny it's just lost on my hand.

I didn't want to be ungrateful as he really has tried here and the style of it is my dream ring, and he picked something from Tiffany all by himself. That may have a part to play as I know they mark up prices for everything. Anyway the diamond is a 0.22 carat and while it is very very sparkly it is so so small it's barely noticeable.

Do I just keep quiet about this even though I don't totally love it, or do I be honest - I'd be willing to pay for the difference to say change to a 0.5 carat diamond instead but don't want to offend him by suggesting this. I'm not after some big 2carat ring or something. I assume the platinum think band itself was pricey. I've no idea how much it cost and I know I don't need to know that, I don't know if upgrading the diamond by half a carat is going to be unreasonable either.

What would you do here? Do I just wear it regardless or should I be honest and try not to offend him while I do?

Thanks all... let the beating begin...

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 08/07/2023 12:33

I’d return it to Tiffany- you’ll probably get exactly what you want for same price elsewhere without the Tiffany mark up

ButchFace · 08/07/2023 12:34

I think you sound ungrateful

RosesAndHellebores · 08/07/2023 12:34

Is the solution to be found in a kindly compromise. Take the ring back to Tiffany for resizing. See if they will change it for, say, 0.33ct. Pay the extra.

Go back for the ring that fits perfectly. If he notices, which probably he won't, "I think now it fits perfectly, it enhances the diamond darling". Thank you so much.

Job done, you get more like the ring you wanted, he's not offended or hurt.

I have always been grateful that dh sent me to chose my ring with a budget. He then went and paid for it.

I disagree about Tiffany being a rip off. The stones will be of the quality they are said to be. My grandmother had a 1.5ct Cartier diamond ring and an emerald cut 1.5 ct diamond with stepped down stones across the shoulders - the total weight was in excess of 3.5ct.

When they were valued the cartier ring was worth more due mainly to the provenance as the diamonds were of very similar quality although the Cartier one had the edge.

CmonYouKnow · 08/07/2023 12:34

Can highly recommend London Diamonds. Have a look at their Instagram/website, you will
probably find you can get a lot more for your money than at Tiffany’s.

Beachhutnut · 08/07/2023 12:34

It will offend him. He has got you the best he can afford and listened to your requirements. Offering to pay to upgrade it is insulting. I think if you just wear it for a bit you will grow to love it as a symbol of his love for you. I know someone who had issues with the ring. It wasn't what she wanted, a lot of time was spent getting it right and in the end just before swapping the engagement was called off. Focus on what you have.

Original poster
heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 12:36

AngryBirdsNoMore · 08/07/2023 12:04

Haven’t read the other comments.

I don’t think it’s ungrateful at all: you’re going to wear it every day for hopefully the rest of your life. I was in a similar position to you - DH proposed with a dummy ring, then went to Tiffany’s to find something permanent. Difference is he didn’t pull the trigger on Tiffany’s because he said it all began to look the same to him and because he felt he was paying for the label - so we went to Hatton Gardens together to pick something. And it was a lovely afternoon together.

There is a massive mark up on Tiffany’s jewellery. You’ll get more for your money if you go to the jewellery / diamond quarter in your nearest big city - Hatton Garden being the best in London.

I’d say to him that you love the ring but that it feels disproportionate on your hand and you’d like to look at getting a more proportionate stone from somewhere which won’t charge you for the brand so much as the quality. Say you’d like to choose it together because you’re the one who’ll wear it forever.

If your relationship can’t survive that and he takes offence, he isn’t the right person anyway!

Congratulations on your engagement :)

Thank you so much for this. I appreciate you understanding what I meant by this and not assuming that I'm being grabby. I've just suggested exactly this to him. He's up for doing it - he's a little offended I want to change the ring but I did explain this is a very common thing to do, he said if it is then he understands as he's just clueless about this whole thing.

Thank you 💕

OP posts:
Sierra26 · 08/07/2023 12:36

Did he say anything when he gave it to you like “if you don’t like it we can change it”…? Most men seem to say that!

why don’t you do some homework first - talk to a few local jewellers or just go window shopping to look at prices. Then tell him the original ring is beautiful, it’s the style you like, but the proportions don’t suit your hand/fingers. You’ve spotted a nice and reasonably priced one, how would he feel about maybe swapping it. It’s awkward and you’ll feel a bit sad, but I say go for it.

PPs saying it implies you’re not happy with what he spent isn’t fair. It’s about style. Yes there’s a price tag but you have to WEAR this, it was a gift for YOU, you need to like it. And you’ve said you’d be happy to downgrade the band from platinum to free up some budget.

My ring was a fraction of that price - and it’s a good quality round brilliant diamond just under 1c, solitaire, with elegant tapering platinum band. Band was carefully designed to accentuate the size of the diamond. We designed it together and selected the diamond with a local jeweller. Was a lovely process!

SilverGlitterBaubles · 08/07/2023 12:36

It might be that if the resizing is too much it upsets the setting of the stone and perhaps they will ask you to choose another ring Wink

Twinsmummy1812 · 08/07/2023 12:37

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to just say the the style isn’t quite right, does he mind if you try some more on. Then you pick one that you like with a slimmer band and poss a bigger stone and if it costs more offer to pay the difference.

my stone isn’t the biggest and I’ve always teased my husband that it was supposed to cost gross income, not net and we call it the chip. We didn’t have a lot of money back then!

Blossomtoes · 08/07/2023 12:37

Landlubber2019 · 08/07/2023 11:51

Sorry this might be the answer, but if my fiance chose an engagement ring unless it was hideous, I would accept the ring graciously.

Tbh if I gave someone a Tiffany ring and they would prefer to upgrade the carat, I would take this as a red flag and reconsider our compatibility.

I would carefully consider if the marriage will flourish and your lifestyle expectations going forward will be met.

This. You’ve got a carefully chosen Tiffany ring which was quite possibly the top of his budget and you’re complaining because the diamond’s too small?

Sierra26 · 08/07/2023 12:37

Just read you’ve spoken to him - well done and enjoy the process from here! And congrats xx

Shodan · 08/07/2023 12:39

Another option might be to say you now think that a wide band engagement ring plus a wedding ring will be too bulky for your hand, and suggest returning the ring and instead getting a diamond studded wedding ring. One ring instead of two, and more sparkly.

Shodan · 08/07/2023 12:40

Oops dead slow typist- just seen that you've spoken to him already!

Wibbleswombats · 08/07/2023 12:42

MIne looks like a knuckleduster, so I've never worn it. It still bugs me.

Defo sort it out sooner...

Boatshoes · 08/07/2023 12:42

OP, it’s totally fine that it’s not your dream ring - ignore any one who says otherwise. Could you perhaps go for a more blingy wedding ring? I chose my engagement ring (pointed it out to DH when we were dating) and that’s the one he bought in the end. Unfortunately, I didn’t “love it” once I had it on, so I chose a wedding ring which is more of an eternity ring, which has lots of diamonds along a strip in the middle of the band (if that makes sense!) so it made the diamonds on my engagement ring “pop” more.

Alternatively, you can either tell your fiancé that you love the ring but would like a more “you” ring (if he can return it), otherwise you may learn to like / love it?

Huge congrats on your engagement!

Anonmousse · 08/07/2023 12:44

RosesAndHellebores · 08/07/2023 12:34

Is the solution to be found in a kindly compromise. Take the ring back to Tiffany for resizing. See if they will change it for, say, 0.33ct. Pay the extra.

Go back for the ring that fits perfectly. If he notices, which probably he won't, "I think now it fits perfectly, it enhances the diamond darling". Thank you so much.

Job done, you get more like the ring you wanted, he's not offended or hurt.

I have always been grateful that dh sent me to chose my ring with a budget. He then went and paid for it.

I disagree about Tiffany being a rip off. The stones will be of the quality they are said to be. My grandmother had a 1.5ct Cartier diamond ring and an emerald cut 1.5 ct diamond with stepped down stones across the shoulders - the total weight was in excess of 3.5ct.

When they were valued the cartier ring was worth more due mainly to the provenance as the diamonds were of very similar quality although the Cartier one had the edge.

Tiffany is overpriced if you're simply comparing like with like.
The most well known certificates for diamonds are GIA and most jewellers use them. Tiffany don't use superior diamonds for majority of their jewellery and you won't get a better quality ring in most cases. But you get an experience that you don't necessarily get elsewhere and you're paying for the brand name, advertising, luxury showroom in an expensive location, maybe a glass of champagne, matching box and bag and possibly an aftercare service.

TimesRwo · 08/07/2023 12:44

Diamonds are about more than the size. You are diamonds that are big but aren’t the best quality so don’t have that sparkle and are actually very dull, or diamonds that are smaller but have perfect colour, cut and clarity so sparkle amazingly.

Did you not discuss rings before he ordered? DH knew that the sparkle of the diamond was more important for me than the size, but for others, they care more about the size. But if you want a bigger diamond with as much sparkle, it won’t be cheap.

RiseYpres · 08/07/2023 12:48

I was going to say that you could suggest that you choose / design your wedding ring and make it set with diamonds in an eternity ring style (my favoiurite style) or a band studded with diamonds. Would that help?

2bazookas · 08/07/2023 12:50

You need to have a big hard think about what a lifetime commitment to one person is REALLY about.

Pushmepullu · 08/07/2023 12:51

This is what I’m worried about on my DS behalf. GFs dad is a diamond dealer, DS doesn’t earn much and is unlikely to in the future. Does he ask future FiL for a discount or does he buy a smaller ring that he can afford with the risk that like the OP his GF will consider the diamond tiny?

IfYouDontAsk · 08/07/2023 12:52

I imagine that your fiancé will be hurt however kindly you suggest changing the ring. From everything you’ve said I’ve no doubt you’ll be incredibly tactful.

however, I’m sure that hurt will be temporary and if he’s a decent guy I’d hope in the long run he’d want you to have a ring you’re happy with. I would offer to cover the cost of the shortfall though given that you’re wanting a more expensive ring rather than just a different style.

Start marriage as you mean to go on- being kind and respectful but not ignoring your own feelings just to make the other person happy.

Clara9283 · 08/07/2023 12:52

I'd be gutted too if I didn't like my engagement ring, but to be honest, it would make me feel very bad if I had spent considerable money and thought on a present for DP and he would go and upgrade it. I think offering to pay yourself for an upgrade is not the right way to do it because it inevitably says that what he has spent is not enough (even if that's not what you mean). If I really couldn't live with the ring, I'd tell him that it's just not my style - without mentioning the size of the diamond or an upgrade - and ask whether we can return this one and go and choose one together.

Original poster
heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 12:53

user1471548941 · 08/07/2023 12:22

I get it, this is not just about money, it’s about style. You might have been fine with the small stone on a more delicate band etc but the while thing sounds like it’s just not your style.

i’d gently ask him what’s behind his choice and see if you can steer the conversation gently to it not being your style. My DH would probably tell me he panicked or something and it would then be easy to ask if you minded if you chose something together.

I reckon a lot of the cost went in to the band and the brand so you could easily get a bigger stone with an independent jeweller and a smaller band without it being about the price. Me and DH had a wonderfully romantic day out in Birmingham chosing the ring together before anyone knew we were engaged- it’s a favourite memory!

This is the afternoon we're about to have. I feel like I'm sitting on a secret.. we are only just back from our trip and my mum came by yesterday and I just felt like I was living a lie in not telling her.

I think he is a little hurt because he didn't get it fully right (but I've explained that's hard without any input), and we're going to explore Hatton Garden this afternoon instead.

Thank you so much to everyone who got what I was trying to say and didn't just assume I was after something higher value. We will find something in the same budget that better fits my hand.

OP posts:
Original poster
heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 12:56

TruffleShuffles · 08/07/2023 12:27

Did it have to be a Tiffany ring? I imagine you’d have got exactly the size diamond you wanted with what your fiancé paid if wasn’t Tiffany.

I wouldn’t take it well if I was your fiancé and you asked to swap it when it’s as you say the design you wanted but just not a big enough diamond. If you didn’t like the design I’d say ask to change it no problem.

I also wouldn’t sacrifice a platinum band to get a bigger diamond, it won’t wear anywhere near as well.

No it didn't have to be Tiffany. I think him being clueless he assumed it had to be? I knows I like classic styles and quality over quantity so I guess in his mind it equated to Tiffany.

I agree, we will keep the budget the same and go for a thinner band, slightly bigger stone and it's a win win 😊

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 08/07/2023 13:01

I think you need to say you would like to change it. You are the one who is going to have to wear it.

You need to say something ASAP as he will only have a limited time in which he can get a refund

Tiffany are a lovely jeweller but there will be a sizable brand tax on any ring you get from there.

Look, just be honest, the style isn't quite right. You love him and want to go shopping together to choose a ring you love to wear forever. He might be a bit crestfallen but if you can't work through this then he's not the right man.