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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not like my engagement ring and want to change it...

254 replies

heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 11:44

I know I'm going to get flamed for this and likely ripped to shreds by everyone but here goes.

My partner proposed to me on holiday, which was great and very sweet. We are both not the most socially outgoing types and he's quite uncomfortable with all the attention this news will bring so I haven't told a soul yet. I said yes, obviously.

We were in a country with a high crime rate so he had a temporary dummy ring for that and also because my actual ring hadn't arrived yet. It came yesterday and it's exactly the style I'd liked but the diamond is so tiny it's just lost on my hand.

I didn't want to be ungrateful as he really has tried here and the style of it is my dream ring, and he picked something from Tiffany all by himself. That may have a part to play as I know they mark up prices for everything. Anyway the diamond is a 0.22 carat and while it is very very sparkly it is so so small it's barely noticeable.

Do I just keep quiet about this even though I don't totally love it, or do I be honest - I'd be willing to pay for the difference to say change to a 0.5 carat diamond instead but don't want to offend him by suggesting this. I'm not after some big 2carat ring or something. I assume the platinum think band itself was pricey. I've no idea how much it cost and I know I don't need to know that, I don't know if upgrading the diamond by half a carat is going to be unreasonable either.

What would you do here? Do I just wear it regardless or should I be honest and try not to offend him while I do?

Thanks all... let the beating begin...

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Fuchs1a · 08/07/2023 12:06

By choosing a Tiffany ring he has paid for a pretty blue box and not a decent ring. I would ask for it to be returned and then go to a diamond specialist in somewhere like Hatton Garden.

BibbleandSqwauk · 08/07/2023 12:07

definitely as its going to be resized anyway, ask them to narrow the band. For both my engagement rings I chose them - both partners knew that I would prefer that and didn't trust themeselves to get it right - its not a character flaw to have preferences and to make those known, as long as its done tactfully and politely.

CubDeCap · 08/07/2023 12:07

I would keep it now but have it resized to fit.

Then when you marry and have a matching wedding ring, or when / if you have a baby, or after a 5 year anniversary, upgrade then.

But don't have the conversation now.

Maireas · 08/07/2023 12:07

Fuchs1a · 08/07/2023 12:06

By choosing a Tiffany ring he has paid for a pretty blue box and not a decent ring. I would ask for it to be returned and then go to a diamond specialist in somewhere like Hatton Garden.

I agree.
Or even a High Street one as pp suggests.
You'd get a better ring for less money.

Anonmousse · 08/07/2023 12:08

I'm a jeweller and I would always hope the person gets something they like as they're likely to wear it regularly, if not every day.
The main issue is that he went to Tiffany, because the same budget would probably have got a bigger diamond elsewhere.
If you did decide to swap for another (slightly bigger) diamond I would ask Tiffany for a price ...but also get some quotes from elsewhere (independent jewellers) before deciding.

Topee · 08/07/2023 12:10

When you took it to be resized, the assistant suggested that the thick band wasn’t the best style for petite fingers. How would he feel about you exchanging it for the style they suggested?

AnOrange · 08/07/2023 12:10

If you click through on the Tiffany site and then click "select a diamond" you can change the stone by using the sliders, they go down to 0.21 carats which is £1600 with a platinum band.

Elsiebear90 · 08/07/2023 12:11

I think it’s a shame he has been suckered in by Tiffany’s, it sounds like he’s spent at least 15k on a platinum band with a 0.22ct diamond which is insane as that’s massively massively overpriced. I have a 0.75ct diamond on a 14ct gold band from the jewellery quarter which cost just under 2k and the stone is beautiful.

Do Tifanny’s accept refunds? I think best compromise you could do is say you would prefer a thinner band, that way the diamond will look more in proportion. Tell him the band is too thick and is uncomfortable. I think it’s never going to go down well to ask for a bigger stone, which is a shame because with his budget he could have got a very very nice sized diamond from an independent jeweller.

AnOrange · 08/07/2023 12:13

Elsiebear90 · 08/07/2023 12:11

I think it’s a shame he has been suckered in by Tiffany’s, it sounds like he’s spent at least 15k on a platinum band with a 0.22ct diamond which is insane as that’s massively massively overpriced. I have a 0.75ct diamond on a 14ct gold band from the jewellery quarter which cost just under 2k and the stone is beautiful.

Do Tifanny’s accept refunds? I think best compromise you could do is say you would prefer a thinner band, that way the diamond will look more in proportion. Tell him the band is too thick and is uncomfortable. I think it’s never going to go down well to ask for a bigger stone, which is a shame because with his budget he could have got a very very nice sized diamond from an independent jeweller.

The £15k rings have over a carat.

catsnhats11 · 08/07/2023 12:13

heregoesnothing583959 · 08/07/2023 12:02

This is my first option but they don't even show the smaller sizes online so I don't know what kind of price this will be. I need to make sure I have the money 😂

The first rings on their site start at 15k and they don't show the smaller ones

Show quote history

Look under the "normal" ring section as opposed to the engagement rings, it's probably there.

I'd just tell him gently that you dont think it suits your hand and you'd like to swap it for something you both love.

Passmethecrisps · 08/07/2023 12:15

If it’s a thick band, how will it sit alongside a wedding ring? I wear a thick band on one hand and it causes a callous on the palm of my hand. I mention this as this may be something you want to factor in if you discuss with him the ring.

make it about the thickness of the band. Perhaps the idea that you had envisioned a matching set and you are concerned that the band is too thick. Look at some matching sets together and plant the seed that this was a wonderful first idea but how romantic to buy the set together

MatildaTheCat · 08/07/2023 12:15

100% change it. Tiffany engagement rings are returned or exchanged all the time. If you are going to marry this man you should be able to tell him how absolutely thrilled you are to be getting married and you’d really imagined a ring just like this but now you have it on you feel it just doesn’t suit you.

I would also go elsewhere if you can but otherwise return it, try on multiple options and then choose. I personally can’t wear rings with an upright stone.

Just be sure to reiterate it’s not that he’s got it wrong, just your hands don’t work well with it.

JudgeRudy · 08/07/2023 12:16

How does it work if you buy jewellery and don't like it? Can you really just bring it back and exchange it?
In your position I'd look for something from the same jewellers with a more delicate band so the diamond seems more proportional. I'd also research some wedding rings too (all secretly of course) and come up with a potential partner and use this as a way of changing your original (assuming you can do that). Maybe say the band is a little big to complement the wedding ring. Suggest a pair and praise him for getting things (pretty much) right.
BTW - congratulations

Unicorn2022 · 08/07/2023 12:17

They do show the smaller rings on the Tiffany website and the ring he chose with the thick platinum band is showing at £1950. If you go somewhere like Bloomsbury Manor where they sell good as new Tiffany you could get at least an 0.4 carat ring, or bigger still if you don't want Tiffany and go for a non branded ring.

I don't agree with all of the others saying that you should accept it graciously - after a decade together and this being the only piece of jewellery he's ever bought, like hell would I accept a 0.22 carat ring I didn't like. Tell him you accept his proposal and appreciate the sentiment but would like to choose your own ring.

Jongleterre · 08/07/2023 12:19

I would get it resized and then wear it. I can assure you that years fly by as you get older and you will find yourself looking at your lovely ring one day and reflect on the happy years you have spent together and feel foolish for even considering telling him the diamond wasn't big enough.

Deadringer · 08/07/2023 12:19

I picked my own ring and would usually say that you should get a choice as it's you wearing it. But the problem here is that you do like the ring, you just want a bigger diamond, which will be way more expensive and might imply to him that he didn't spend enough. So I wouldn't say that the stone isn't big enough, or that you are willing to add money to get a bigger one, but that you don't love it, and you want to completely love it if you are going to wear it forever.

user1471548941 · 08/07/2023 12:22

I get it, this is not just about money, it’s about style. You might have been fine with the small stone on a more delicate band etc but the while thing sounds like it’s just not your style.

i’d gently ask him what’s behind his choice and see if you can steer the conversation gently to it not being your style. My DH would probably tell me he panicked or something and it would then be easy to ask if you minded if you chose something together.

I reckon a lot of the cost went in to the band and the brand so you could easily get a bigger stone with an independent jeweller and a smaller band without it being about the price. Me and DH had a wonderfully romantic day out in Birmingham chosing the ring together before anyone knew we were engaged- it’s a favourite memory!

Elsiebear90 · 08/07/2023 12:24

AnOrange · 08/07/2023 12:13

The £15k rings have over a carat.

Show quote history

Ahh okay, it seemed like OP was saying rings started at 15k, so I assumed that’s what her fiancé paid. I still think that’s overpriced for a stone that size as mine wasn’t much more than that and is 0.75ct. I suppose it depends on how upset she thinks her fiancé will be, a nice compromise is a thinner band I think.

FloweryWowery · 08/07/2023 12:25

I'd hate to think that a present I'd got for someone was worn because they didn't want to offend me rather than because they liked it. He's not a child and he took a risk choosing something without your input. Be honest, say you'd like to change it. The tip-toeing round him is ridiculous.

Lily0719 · 08/07/2023 12:25

@heregoesnothing583959 you have to wear this for the rest of your life, so I say get the ring you love. Maybe when you take the ring to be resized, pay for a bigger diamond in the middle and get them to do it in one go. He probably won’t even notice and will just be thrilled that you love your ring!

Shinyandnew1 · 08/07/2023 12:27

I think engagement rings should be chosen together-you should love it. I would say something

TruffleShuffles · 08/07/2023 12:27

Did it have to be a Tiffany ring? I imagine you’d have got exactly the size diamond you wanted with what your fiancé paid if wasn’t Tiffany.

I wouldn’t take it well if I was your fiancé and you asked to swap it when it’s as you say the design you wanted but just not a big enough diamond. If you didn’t like the design I’d say ask to change it no problem.

I also wouldn’t sacrifice a platinum band to get a bigger diamond, it won’t wear anywhere near as well.

Twiglets1 · 08/07/2023 12:29

maximist · 08/07/2023 11:58

Could you say you need to swap it for a different size, so you need the receipt. Then get the different size but with a bigger stone (obs you pay the difference) and either hope he doesn't notice or say how strange it is that the stone in the new ring looks bigger, it must be an optical illusion....

This is what I would do.

Once you have the receipt you could go into Tiffany yourself and have a discreet chat with them about how much extra it would cost to change the ring to one you would love. If you can afford it, I would do it and put the bigger stone (if he even notices) down to the other change.

SistersNotCisters · 08/07/2023 12:32

I changed mine and DH was happy I got what I wanted.
The one he proposed with was white gold and far too small. I only wear yellow gold and don't like white gold much (I always think, if I wanted silver jewellery I'd buy that instead of gold looking like silver and having to pay out a fortune having it redone every few years) and it wouldn't have matched my everyday earrings, bracelets and necklace. I was very very tactful when I said it and DH said he only got that one because the sales girl pushed it.
My new one was a little more expensive (about £20 or so) and I paid it.
Whilst I don't agree that a woman should demand a super expensive ring and make him pay, I do think that she should be able to have a say in something she will be wearing every single day of her life.
OP, go for it but be really bloody careful how you phrase it.

SeamsLegit · 08/07/2023 12:33

I do not think he'll notice!! If he did, just shrug and say that it being made smaller must make the rest seem bigger. Be totally blase about it